Detective Comics #42

This cover is too artsy for me. And by "artsy," I mean "incomprehensible." And by "me," I mean stupid dumb idiot moron.

If Harvey Bullock is now the main character of Detective Comics, shouldn't Harvey Bullock be on the cover? Does DC Comics have an issue with putting fat slobs on the cover? Oh, don't get your twisters in a knick! I mean Harvey is both fat and a slob not that all fat people are slobs. I suppose if Harvey were on the cover, some people might pick this comic book up thinking it's the new issue of Section Eight.

Last issue ended with Montoya, Yip, and Bullock rushing off to save Commissioner Batman's ass. Only one of those three officers to the rescue do not currently have cum dripping down the inside of their leg.

Commissioner Batman is having trouble battling bad guys in skeleton costumes with automatic weapons and rocket propelled grenades. Such an amateur. He's going to have a new found respect for Batman when Batman comes back. Maybe that's Batman's plan! The Gotham Police will see firsthand just how super duper expensive it can be to battle the real threats to Gotham City. When he finally returns, they'll be all, "Oh yeah, buddy! You can go back to being a vigilante as long as you pick up the tab. Mad respect for however you please Bruce Wayne on a regular basis to convince him to pay for all the battle gear you blow up each week and all the explosives (non-lethal, of course!) you use! You must be real nice to him, right? Wink wink! Nudge nudge. Coughhomocough." I imagine Gotham Cops aren't very subtle and spend most of their time either calling another cop gay or protesting that they're not gay after another cop called them gay.

The skeleton gang fail to kill Commissioner Batman (which it seems was the whole point of the attack) but they do put the Honey Bunny Bat Armor out of commission by shooting out its knee joints. So for the cost of two bullets, Commissioner Batman's armor needs to go back to the shop for what will probably be millions of dollars in repairs. I think the Skeleton Gang wins this round.

Since returning to the Gotham Police Department, Renee Montoya has noticed that there are an awful lot of dirty cops.

I wonder what impressed Yip the most about Bullock? His gruff, no-nonsense attitude, or the smell of the litter box in the middle of his studio apartment?

Later that night, Jim Gordon stops by to pout. "Nobody likes me," he says. "They all think I'm stupid," he says. "They're all laughing at me," he says. "If Batman comes back, he's going to kick my ass for turning him into a laughingstock," he says. All of those things are true, especially the last one. Bullock just listens and drinks his beers and says, "You know I'm fucking Yip, right? A real woman?"

The backup Batman team of Yip, Montoya, and Bullock stand around waiting for Commissioner Batman to fuck up so they can swoop in and delay the bad guys until Alvarez and Keyes show up. Yip goes off to get some coffee and hops immediately on the phone. Bullock says to Renee, "You know I'm fucking Yip, right? A real woman? And I never get to do that so could you check on this number that keeps calling her cell phone because I don't want somebody else fucking Yip because then she might stop letting me fuck her." And Renee is all, "You realize how Yip is always the object of the sentence when you talk about the two of you fucking, right? You know she's also fucking you, right? The only difference is she'd probably never tell anybody about it." So now Renee is going to find out that Yip is in contact with cop killers!

The Skeleton Crew ambush Commissioner Batman and short circuit his suit. So he gets out of his suit to fight them hand to hand. It's a good thing the armor release mechanism is manually activated! Or a bad thing because Jim is probably going to get his ass kicked next issue.

Detective Comics #42 Rating: -1 Ranking. I like the interactions between Montoya and Bullock but they're too short and not often enough. Like last issue, it didn't feel like there was really a lot going on. The "Yip is a Dirty Rat Cop" plot continues to slowly slouch toward the story that was already told in the Sneak Peek. I have a feeling the whole point of the Sneak Peek was to make the reader think the other cops discover Yip's dirty secret and are forced to kill her on duty to make it look like an accident. But it has to be misdirection or else it means almost nothing except to make these current issues of Detective Comics without tension. So the Backup Batcrew will probably discover Yip is betraying the Gotham Police but they'll find out that she's being extorted or blackmailed. Whatever the case, it'll be against her will. And the only way to get the bad guys off of her case is to fake her own death. Aside from the Sneak Peek kind of ruining the pacing of Detective Comics if what it portrayed was true (and even if it is a fake death scene, Detective Comics is currently a kind of boring slog (except for Harvey and Renee!)), it's also impossible to believe that Harvey, Renee, and Jim would murder a fellow cop. And that being the case, there's just no tension in this whole "Yip is Dirty" plot. And I don't mean she's dirty because she's banging Harvey! Oh!

Justice League 3001 #1

This isn't the right comic book to be mentioning this but this is the only case in which I'd buy that every single person in the world has suddenly turned on Superman. If they had big fat starfish on their faces.

I just watched the trailer for Batdude Vs. Superbro: Johns of Just Ass and I have to ask: is Jesse Eisenberg's Lex Luthor supposed to be a parody of Donald Trump? Is that why the bad wig and the trying to be funny but failing miserably? Also, I apologize for using the word "dude".

It's one year later on Camelot Nine! Unless it's just one day after the last page of the last issue of Justice League 3000 and that one day was New Years Eve. Anyhow, it's time for more of the same joke by Giffen and DeMatteis! Get ready for it because you'll probably hear it four or five times!

Back in the year 3000, I asked the probing question, "Where is L-Ron and Oberon?" Well, guess which one's back?

And guess who's sorry he asked the question?!

The woman screaming at L-Ronald the way that Maxwell Lord would normally be screaming at L-Ronald if this were one thousand years in the past and on a different planet is Fake Ariel, otherwise known as Lois Lane, Queen of the Universe. She's the leader of the Injustice League 3001. They ominously did something ominous on the final page of Justice League 3000 but I don't really remember what it was. I think they just infiltrated the Justice League's castle headquarters. Now, one year later, they've super infiltrated to the point that Ariel Masters must be bound and gagged in the basement and hopefully in her underwear. You know, for fan service (hetero-male and lesbian fans only).

Lois Lane's mind has been injected into Ariel Master's brain and now Lois--as Ariel!--keeps sending the Justice League out on suicide missions. But she's worse than New 52 Amanda Waller at getting her people killed because the Justice League is now more famous than ever across the universe having dealt with every deadly scenario Lois has sent them into.

For those of you who didn't read the Justice League 3001 Sneak Peek, Guy Gardner has been added to the team. And he's now in the body of a woman because DC Comics couldn't wait to be called transphobic! I'm not accusing them of being transphobic. I'm accusing Giffen and DeMatteis of coming up with a concept that makes using the same joke over and over super easy! Guy Gardner, macho bad-ass, now a woman?! Oh boy! He's going to say lots of horribly sexist things! But he's a woman now so it's...um...well, I can't think of the right word to describe what that makes it. Maybe funny in the way somebody might say funny while shrugging their shoulders with the palms of their hands turned outward and kind of wincing and looking doubtful and slightly apologetic? But I do say DC must want to be called transphobic because this Venn diagram exists of people who hate DC Comics and people who want to call out as many people as they can because, I don't know, justice? And I say justice while shrugging my shoulders with the palms of my hands turned outward and kind of wincing and looking doubtful and slightly apologetic.

Currently, Justice League 3001 are investigating the massacre of the Legion of Super-heroes on Starro World. Not investigating in the way Columbo investigates by bothering the suspect until the suspect asks to be arrested so Peter Falk stops looking at him with his weird eye but in the way that the police say "You did this!" and the accused says "Diplomatic immunity!"

I've loved Guy Gardner for years but I think this is the first time I've ever had a crush on Guy Gardner.

While the Starros stand around drooling because they can't wait to fry up Mon-el and Sunboy, Batman and Superman argue about whether or not Guy is male or female. Batman takes the correct side and Superman, who has been shown to be an idiot for about fifteen issues now, takes the side that instantly makes everybody at DC Comics transphobic. What a jerk!

Guy Gardner heads to Moonshadow Six because J.M. DeMatteis wants to remind everybody that he once wrote something moving and interesting. It's a bureaucratic planet so, you know, like the Vogons. Guy doesn't do bureaucracy though and he begins punching people in all of their alien faces. That's probably not a great move since the only thing worse than dealing with a bureaucrat is dealing with a bureaucrat's system without any help from the bureaucrat.

Meanwhile on Takron-Galtos, the Super Buddies 3001 are now open for business with Booster, Beetle, Fire, and Ice. That should be a poem about how the world ends! Does it end in fire, or ice, or booster, or beetle? Takron-Galtos seems like a strange place to set up a super hero franchise since it's a prison planet. Are they crime-fighters or prison wardens? While the members of Justice League 3001 are the DNA of long dead heroes copied over the DNA of host bodies, the members of the Super Buddies are all originals. Booster and Beetle were in suspended animation for one thousand years, Fire was banging Etrigan in Hell on Camelot Nine, and Ice is an immortal goddess.

Who do I root for? The despot who enslaved a world legally or the hero manufacturing fake evidence against the evil, vile overlord of an enslaved people?!

As Batman and The Flash wait around for Guy to return with the documents, they engage in another pronoun debate. Batman still has it right while Teri seems to just be confused. She insisted earlier that Guy was a man when Superman was checking out his adorable ass but she did call Guy a "she" when saying "She's a man!" If only Guy Gardner would put up his preferred pronouns on his Tumblr page, we could just move past the discussion! Who are they to decide how Guy thinks of himself anyway? If I were in Guy's position, I'd obviously still be a man but I'd certainly enjoy my body a whole lot more.

Guy returns and announces to Batman and The Flash that they can legally (sort of) beat the shit out of Starro. He also, inadvertently because they're on camera, announces it to the entire planet.

Yay! Ambush Bug! I hope he becomes a Super Buddy and not just a character Howard Porter gets to toss in in all of the crowd scenes.

Meanwhile a small ship comes crashing down on Wodin Twelve (which is the planet of Starros). Inside that ship is Supergirl! She's probably been in stasis for one thousand years which means she's the real deal which means she should join the Super Buddies and not the Justice League Clones. Did that sound bigoty?

Justice League 3001 #1 Rating: Giffen and DeMatteis can be a bit much when they're not putting much effort into their whimsy. But I like the future world they've created in Justice League 3000 and are continuing to tweak and evolve in this title. They've got their own little DC Universe to play with and reshape to their own liking. And because of the spotty memories of the cloned Justice League members, they get to pick and choose what bits of the overall DC Comics history they want to keep in continuity. As long as they can balance their hijinks with an interesting plot, this can work. As soon as the comic book begins to overpower the plot with its wackiness, it'll become Larfleeze and/or a drinking game. I hope they have some strong ideas because this comic book has the potential to be really entertaining. Also, I'm a big fan of Howard Porter's art.

Lost Army #1

Didn't this book already fail when it was called Legion Lost?

I'm still not over the way 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 was portrayed in the Sneak Peek. Cullen Bunn had her cursing or speaking or whatever in binary. There's absolutely no reason why she would be speaking in fucking binary. She (and possibly her entire race) is a math genius. People who are good at math do not speak in binary. And even if...EVEN IF...she did speak in binary, the binary she was speaking in the Sneak Peek was gibberish! Cullen Bunn doesn't understand my girl 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 and he's going to ruin her. And apparently I'm going to pay to watch her defiled by this monster. So who's the real monster here?!

During the Sneak Peek, it was established that John Stewart, Arisia Rrab, Xrill-Vrek, Kilowog, and 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 (or, more properly (apparently!) 00110010-00110110-00111000-00110001-00110111-00111001-00110101) have mysteriously found themselves in a mystery place. They found Krona because his corpse was stolen from Atrocitus and apparently resurrected and stuck in this strange world. They were beset by creatures that devour foreign matter. This issue begins with the group battling these strange creatures.

These things want to kill you because you are foreign invaders. That means they're the immune system of whatever creature you've been shrunken down and injected into. Mystery solved!

I just cleared it up Kilowog! Granted, you still don't know whose body you're inside of (probably Hal Jordan's which is why Krona is here because he's linked somehow to Krona's Gauntlet) or how you were shrunk down and by who or why you don't remember any of it. I guess those will be the mysteries you'll need to solve. But don't think you'll solve them in this first issue! It'll probably take at least six issues before the revelation that you're inside some other creature!

John Stewart begins flashing back to when he was in the military because he can't stop Narration Boxing about aggression and how he uses it as a tool to solve problems. He points out that it's not a popular concept because it's an idiotic concept, asshole. Sure, aggression is a way to solve the problem of having been sent to force a foreign people in their own land to submit to your philosophies, especially when they--not surprisingly--aggressively try to get you the hell out of their homelands. Kind of weird how that works, right, John?

I've never disliked John Stewart until this comic book. Thanks, Mr. Bunn!

What you were born to do was invade another species' home and then murder them all when they try to defend their territory?

Krona decides to give a four panel speech about his past which begins with "I am a scientist" and ends with "I have my own [faith]." Fuckity fuck fuck somebody fucking please choke me to death right this fucking minute.

Lantern's crew find some other Lanterns encased in red crystal. They're dead because, as is usual in the Lanternverse, the enemy they're facing is pretty much immune to green lantern light. I seriously wish the yellow flaw never went away because even if it was an incredibly stupid way to give the Lanterns an occasional hard time, at least it was something established. Now the "yellow flaw" is just lazy writers forcing the Lanterns to battle enemies who just happen to somehow be immune to the light. It's a constant. The most powerful weapon in the universe is never very fucking powerful. Also, the rings run out of charge at every convenient moment. When they used to retain a charge for 24 hours, writers were constantly coming up with excuses for how the ring was just charged nearly 24 hours before a big fight and now the ring is failing! Now the rings just fail because too much stress is put on them and the charge drops down to zero in just a few panels. The Green Lanterns are possibly the worst outfitted heroes in the universe for the job they do.

Krona suggests giving him a ring from one of the dead Lanterns and he'll use his Science Suit to track the energy back to the Willpower Source. I think Willpower resides in the chin so they'll have to make their way to Hal Jordan's chin now.

The crew is suddenly attacked by more popcorn shrimp when flashes of green and red light shoot around them, killing the attackers and saving the day.

Well why not. Let Cullen Bunn ruin Guy Gardner as well.

I guess Guy isn't ready to be truly hopeful because he's stuck with the red and green rings still.

The crew continues to follow Krona's lead right into a huge pyramid of red spectrum energy. And John Stewart is all, "Aggression, man, aggression! It wins wars! And this thing is aggressive! We're in trouble and that rhymes with bubble and that stands for pool!" I bet next issue one of the other characters thinks about a different spectrum energy and changes the whole theme and then they find the source of that energy as well!

Lost Army #1 Rating: Somebody needs to hire Gerhard to work on this comic book because it desperately needs some background art. It's like the Lost Lanterns are just flying in front of a cosmic screensaver and it's set to the factory default boring ass generic various colors bullshit. At least the characters all look good, so kudos to Jesus Saiz. As for the story? It needs a lot of work to keep me interested.

Gotham By Midnight #6

The Joker versus The Spectre. Has that ever happened?

This issue begins with the Midnight Shift mourning the loss of Justine the nun. I don't know why. She's with her husband now, right? They attend the funeral and, afterward, Jim Corrigan has the right attitude. "I hate funerals," he scowls. Damn right. Fuck funerals. I mean the usual funerals that we all eventually just get roped into because nobody wants to deal with all the bureaucracy of burial shit when they've just lost a loved one. At my grandmother's funeral (on my mother's side), the priest (or whatever. Fuck if I know anything about the nomenclature of church henchmen) gave his "eulogy" for her. Although he didn't know anything about her because who knows the last time she had any connection to any church in her city. I'm fairly certain she just slowly became an agnostic after many years of observing hatred and racism by other people in her church who professed to be Catholic. But this priest's eulogy was based on having Googled her name. Then he spoke about what her name meant and how it probably represented who she was. I'm still disappointed with myself that I didn't stand up and just tell him to shut the fuck up. Her family knew who she was and didn't need to say anything out loud to the other family in the room. The only person to get up to speak was a hyper-religious cousin whose only story of my grandmother was how when my grandmother was sick in the hospital and afraid of dying (she lived and later, eventually, died at home), this cousin convinced my grandmother to accept Jesus Christ as her lord and savior. So her entire story about my grandmother was how she, this cousin, used my grandmother's fear and desperation to tic off another name in the "Saved" column. Fucking piece of shit. I should have stood up and told her to shut the fuck up!

Funerals need some serious competition. Enough with this religious monopoly on death! I think I'm going to open up a paint gun arena where your loved one's ashes are mixed into paint ball pellets. Then the deceased's loved ones and friends can spend the day chasing each other around and shooting each other with their dead friend, sibling, mother, or son.

James wants to go raise a glass to Justine because everything makes James want to go raise a glass. He's such a stereotype. But instead the Midnight Shift has to go investigate some strange goings on at the Powers Corporation. Hey! That's where they designed the Honey Bunny Bat Armor!

All Rook cares about is getting the proper receipts! Document, document, document, people!

While everybody is pointing fingers at the Spectre and saying things like, "HOLY FUCKING SHIT DUDE!", James Corrigan decides he should clear all of the airs. So he's all, "You think I'm scary?! Drake is a fucking Banshee! She screams, somebody dies! So don't fucking jump out at her from the closet, you bozos!" I wonder if it's any scream or if it's a particular kind of wail? I wonder if she can do it any time she wants or if it's just somebody's impending death which makes her scream? I wish I had a Banshee scream! But only if you could choose the victim. I don't want one of those monkey paw banshee screams that is all, "So, you want somebody to die, do you? How about...your favorite porn star! Ah ha ha ha ha!"

Tarr, the guy that can speak Ancient Gibberish, has wandered into the church to chastise Jesus Christ. As if He cares! Some nerd is going to question His choices? Please! Jesus was crucified a virgin, man! You think it could get any worse than that?! Okay, so maybe he wasn't a virgin. It's not like The Bible talks about anything he was up to in his teens and his twenties. Those are prime years for putting your penis in other people's orifices! God was probably, "Okay son. You have this many years to do whatever you want and I promise I won't document any of it. Sure, some crackpots might come along and write about your life during those years but I'll make sure all that shit gets labeled as apocrypha, got it? Now go have fun because you are in for some wild shit when you get to your thirties!"

The team winds up at the Powers Corporation which reminds me I have those old Power Company books by Kurt Busiek to read which reminds me that Kurt Busiek came into my comic shop last Wednesday while I was buying comic books. He was busy talking with the owner so I didn't suck his dick at all. Although I probably owe him at least a handjob with a little ass play simply for writing Astro City.

This guy Jenner they meet at the Power Corporation says their new Powerwatch will sell "billions" by the end of the month. That guy is delusional. Who is buying all of these expensive watches?! I hope he isn't in charge of anything more important than bullshit press releases or human resources or this company is in trouble. The company might be in trouble anyway since a ghost is haunting it. And it's not a cute ghost that just creates cold spots and rocks rocking chairs. It's a ghost that screams and sprays blood and causes pieces of human hearts to materialize in the throats of employees. It's one of those ghosts that everybody is afraid of, even people who sometimes sing that they ain't afraid of them.

He probably had a stroke after the twentieth time hearing Jenner repeat that the Powerwatch will sell billions in a month. Even if everybody in the United States bought one of your stupid watches which most of them can't afford anyway, you'd still not even be close to selling your first billion, you dumb asshole! I have a headache!

While Jim investigates the clock on the wall which he saw in a vision earlier, it begins to bleed. Then the ghost appears and screams, "ALL HANDS". Then it writes "Return on investment" on the wall which is a dead giveaway that Jenner and the Powers Corporation killed the man from too much stress. Plus they forced him to take speed to stay awake for days on end because it's always beneficial to your overall product to have somebody with severe sleep deprivation on speed making crucial design decisions on an upcoming product. I bet he built in a button that zaps demons and another one that creates white noise to drown out the voices in your head and an application that translates the weird creature speaking nonsense in the corner of the room. Hmm, now I want that watch.

Meanwhile, Manhunter stops by with some hot DC Lawyer action for Lieutenant Weaver (I'm always surprised when I spell Lieutenant right on the first try!) and the Midnight Shift!.

They better have those Jeezly Crow receipts handy!

Gotham By Midnight #6 Rating: No change. This was like one of those episodes of The X-Files that you know is just padding the season with a so-so mystery but filling up some of the space around that mystery with information applicable to the overarching relationship between Fox and Dana. What I mean is, in general, it was probably forgettable but some of the scenes will be remembered but in the context where a person mentioning the scene will be all, "I don't remember if it happened during Interview with Jose Chung or Postmodern Prometheus?" Although it obviously wouldn't have happened during either of those because the person speaking would obviously have both of those episodes completely memorized!

Batgirl #41

Commissioner Batman must have installed a Brown Note Weapon in the Bunny-Armor.

Dear Diary!
Have you read the news today? Oh boy! A whole bunch of holes in blackbriar lankenshears! That song doesn't make any sense, Diary! I might have the lyrics wrong but no way in Aitch Eee Two Hockey Sticks Fucking am I going to look them up online because as everybody knows (especially super smart computer tech chicks like me!), music lyric web pages are full of spiders and cookies and trojan backdoors and ad blocker-cock-blockers! They're ridiculous! Notice how I spelled ridiculous correctly, Diary? That makes me better than 110% of the people on the internet! After my use of percentages in that last sentence, you might think I'm bad at math but you have to figure in all the computer programs acting like real people. That's probably 90% of the 110% which, if you're bad at math like 125% of the people off of the internet are, you might think means 20% of people are good at math! But if you came out with that number, you'd be so wrong I'm laughing at you and peeing myself a little bit. Buy a calculator, Jerks Reading My Diary Without My Permission Who Are Bad At Math!

I just realized I began my diary entry today to talk about the death of Batman! I wish Dick were here so I could cry on his shoulder and he could take advantage of my sadness. I bet he would obliterate my virginity! Although I'd make sure he was wearing about five condoms because I sure as heck don't want to catch anything. You never know what kind of weird space herpes he picked up from that orange space hoochie. I'm pretty sure she's boned at least half of the Robins, and a few other sidekicks that she really should be embarrassed about fucking. I mean, Speedy?! Ha! She might as well pork one of Aquaman's giant seahorses!

I wonder if she's porked any of Aquaman's giant seahorses?!

Anyswayze, Diary, have I got a story for you! I found this place today which we'll call...let's see...The House of Mystery! *LIGHTNING! CACKLES! BATS! FOOTBALL PLAYERS SCREAMING IN TERROR!* Frankie and I had noticed a drain on the power grid (okay, fine. It was mostly Frankie. I was busy playing Nethack! I was having this epic game where I'd made it all the way to Croseus's castle but couldn't play a musical instrument correctly to lower the drawbridge and had nothing to get around the moat except one levitation potion which only took me half way around the castle and stranded me on a little strip of land where I couldn't even starve because I had a ring of slow digestion and tons of food so my Valkyrie just prayed to Tyr until he got pissed off and struck me with a bolt of lightning. Dick. I wish Fenrir had eaten more than just his hand! Frankie saw me playing and she was all, "What the hell is that ghetto shit?" And I was all, "It might not look pretty or modern but this game has depth baby!" And then she was all, "No, in the window underneath." And I was all, really low and sheepishly, "Oh. Porn."). So the drain on the grid was happening at...THE HOUSE OF MYSTERY! Ah ha ha ha ha!...where this cult of huge Apple Douchebags were all gathered around wearing robes and being totally ignorant of Linux. The lead douchebag was all, "I cannot be a douchebag. I am a robot. Beep beep beep. I know Robot Kung Fu. I will defeat you, Batgirl. Ha Cha Cha Cha." But he didn't defeat me because I defeated him! Like a punkass bitch! Um, he was! I was super cool and suave and sexually sophisticated. I wish I hadn't made my suit out of such thick leather so that my nips would like totally show through in the heat of battle. But only with good looking bad guys! Ugly fat bad guys can just avert their fat ugly eyes!

Okay fine. I was going to defeat him but Honey Bunny Batman got there first. Or second, really. But he was a little more insistent about kicking ass than I was.

Diary, have you ever seen eyes as gorgeous as mine or an ass as smoking hot? I know, right? I might have to look at some heterosexual male porn later to see if my cooter is up to snuff. I think it looks like a peach and smells like a clear lake topped with a fresh fall of cherry blossoms but I haven't really been able to compare it to any other cooters. Back when I was on the Birds of Prey, I was all, "Let's have a girls night where we sit around naked eating popcorn and watching each others vaginas! I mean scary movies!" And Grump Canary was all, "Ixnay on the aygay alktay in ontfray of ixstray!" And I was all, "Whyay?" And Black Canary showed me a note Strix had given her that read, "Fuk u?" And I was all, "Oh! She just mixes up her punctuation! That should be an exclamation point! She's angry at you because you still won't buy her an iPad!" And Black Canary was all, "Well fuck her! I'm not made of money!" And then Strix choked the fuck out of Dinah and I laughed and laughed! Then I was all, "Strix! Strix! Save some of that anger for Condom!" That's what I always called Condor because his stupid helmet made him look like a total dick head. Also he was a total dick head.

After running into that hunka hunka armored Batman (GOOOSH!), I had to strip down to my underwear and hop around on Frankie's bed telling her the story and hoping that maybe I might catch a glimpse of Frankie's vag! I bet hers would be all sultry and flavored like cinnamon while my whole crotch experience is just kind of blotchy red where it's not blindingly white! I mean, I hope people don't see it that way but when I look at Frankie, I just think, "Sigh! I bet guys come in their pants when she just casually smiles at them!" I'm more of the kind of girl that casually smiles at a guy and he's all, "You have any Magic cards to trade?" And then I sag my shoulders and sigh and say, "Yeah."

But then dad stopped by before I could come up with a plan to lose the panties and we had a father/daughter day out on the park!

Someday, I am going to marry that unicorn.

So dad buys me ice cream and sits me down next to Brian the Fuckicorn and says, "Darling. I am the Goddamned Batman." And my brain was all, "You thought he was sexy last night!" And then my cooter was all, "Moisture? What is moisture? Have we ever even known what moisture is?!" And my ass was all, "Is this how you kiss? You pucker nice and tight, just like this, right?" Then dad continues with all this stuff about how he didn't want to lie to me and he didn't want me to find out the hard way if he ever got hurt and how he didn't want to lead a double life. And I'm just thinking, "Jesus Christ, I get it! I'm a big jerk! Keep rubbing it in, why dontcha?!" And he was rubbing it in! I just know it! Dad totally must know I'm Batgirl. He was warning me that he's going to be hunting vigilantes and he didn't want to have to hunt me! Although he could have done it in a way that didn't make me feel bad and make him look all righteous and noble!

Later, my evil me came out of the douchebag cult's Computer Body Creator Pod because stupid Batdad didn't unhook it from the power grid and put it in evidence. What is wrong with him?! Did he forget how to be a cop as soon as he put on the bunny ears?! But before that, Frankie and I took some time to get our drinks on and play the Sailor V video game down at the arcade.

When did I become the less hot friend?! Gyah!

The Sailor V video game is a weird mix of Galaga, Asteroids, and Star Trek. I think maybe it was just a different game housed in a Sailor V case.

Anyswayze, it was right around then that my Nemesister-from-another-mister attacked Burnside! She blew up a car out front and Frankie was all, "This is probably your fault! Go fix this! And I have a great set of tits!" And I was all, "Hell yeah you do!" And she was all, "I know, right?!" Then I put on my Batgirl suit which really takes a lot longer than you'd think. But sometimes you've got make a big show of it to service the fans, you know. The fans of my ass! OH YEAH!

Oh, by the way, I only said my opponent was the me I defeated to build suspense and drama! It was actually this electric woman whom Batman built this totally wicked Ghostbuster trap to catch when she was hassling Superman a few months ago. Even as pure electricity, I totally recognized her because of my sweet I-Tic-Tac Memory! Have I ever mentioned that I'm a killer at Pub Trivia?! Although it's always the dumb hooting, tee-heeing whores with the lowest scores who get all the fat dick at the end of the night! Why doesn't anybody want a bat-piece of this?! I need to improve my game!

Anyswayzeyetagainsies, this poor girl's name was Livewire. I bet she gets less brotang than me! Hmm, I bet I just used that wrong even though I just made it up. I think "brotang" is where two frat guys jerk each other off when they can't find any girls to date rape. Turns out I didn't have to take this perp down either because BatDad dropped in yet again to take the glory. Doesn't he know Burnside is my part of town? Isn't there enough crime across the river in Downtown Gotham?! I think this is proof that he knows who I am!

So after Livewire zips away on whatever electrical grid she travels on, BatDad turns to me and is all, "You're under arrest." And I'm all...oh crap! I think I just heard Frankie fall getting out of the shower! This is my chance to see her vaghole while I'm pretending to help her up! I'll finish my story later, Diary!

Batgirl #41 Rating: +1 Ranking. The choice to have Gordon confide in Barbara is a great choice, storywise. Especially because it just strengthens the suspicion, without proving anything, that Jim does indeed know his daughter is Batgirl. She almost told him in Simone's run and he was all, "Let's change the subject! YOLO!" And she almost tells him here but he cuts her off yet again. And now he's really kind of intruding on her neighborhood, right? I really think it would be interesting if she finally told old James but being that comic book stories never end, decade after decade, I don't know how well that would ultimately play out. But then that's what Retcons and Reboots are for, amirite?!

Teen Titans #9

Why does anybody want him?

I just got back from seeing Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory at the Laurelhurst theater. I've seen it dozens of times since it's as old as me but since it's currently fresh in my head, I thought I'd ramble about it a little bit. First off, it's a great movie with an uplifting message that treats kids as human beings. This movie, along with Mary Poppins, are two of my favorite movies from childhood. The Non-Certified Wife says it's because they're all about chaos. While that's not untrue, I appreciate when adults aren't teaching kids that they must begin learning to act like adults. They're stories about encouraging kids to follow non-practical dreams. Although at the end of Willy Wonka, Gene Wilder basically says he wants a kid to take over his business because they're easier to brainwash and control.

I also realized that Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory might be the first modern horror movie. It takes place at an isolated location with a bunch of young people who begin to be killed off by a madman one by one. And none of the deaths are accidents. By the time it's just Charlie and Mike, Wonka takes them on a trip via the Hsawaknow which only has enough room for Wonka and two families. And then when they get to the Wonkavision room, there are only enough outfits to protect the people who are left. Wonka did his research before allowing these kids in and he tempts them one by one with irresistible temptations which he knows will destroy them. Only Charlie gets lucky enough to not be butchered by this slaver madman. I'm pretty sure Wonka even shows a bit of disappointment when Charlie and his Grandpa finally catch back up with the rest of the group.

Now on to Teen Titans and my first thought as I open the book: Kenneth Rocafort's art is seriously making me think about dropping this book. It's not as rock and roll as he'd like to think. I'm not saying it's bad. Hell, I know a lot of people love it. But when I look at it, it feels like razor blades across the back of my brain. It's the visual equivalent of a Ted Nugent song. Damn it. Now I've alienated fans of Ted Nugent as well as fans of Kenneth Rocafort. Bah, fuck it. I don't have time to be concerned with everybody's feelings! I think I might be part Oompa Loompa. Boy, those are judgmental bastards! Fat shaming; parent shaming; hobby shaming. They just never stop with their cute little shame songs!

Red Robin and whichever Teen Titans are still loyal to him have decided to hide Superboy from the STAR Labs group of Teen Titans and J'onn J'onzz. The people after Superboy think he's killed twenty-two Muslims. But they were really Durlans so nobody should be calling him an Islamaphobe. It's more correct to refer to him as a Xenophobe. Anyway, Superboy is currently hiding in the skies of Chicago where he'll be sure to never be seen by anybody except maybe a few fat fucks with giant hot dogs stuffed in their mouths saying, "Ish shat a brd? Ish shat a prawn? It'sh Shlurpermern!"

If anybody purchasing this book thought the two page splash of Superboy flying through the sky when he should be hiding was a waste of two pages, get ready for another full page wasted as Red Robin and Chimera (the Durlan witness to Superboy's murders) have a discussion to explain to the reader why the double splash page was necessary. Superboy just needed to get out and stretch his powers or else he was going to go crazy. Now he's just going to bring the wrath of the non-merciful, justice loving Martian Manhunter down on Chicago.

Fuck you, Tim Drake.

I'm no friend of the media but Tim Drake is acting as if the media should somehow be reporting a version of the story that only exists in his own head. The only reason he's helping Superboy hide from the law is because he knows Superboy didn't commit the murders. And I don't mean "he knows" as in "he has proof." No, he just knows because he's a genius who chose Superboy to be on the Teen Titans and he obviously would never have chosen a murderer because, you know, genius! But Superboy was seen killing these people by at least one witness who spoke to the police (pretty sure it was Chimera who now claims she's certain Superboy didn't do it), he was brought in for questioning, and he broke out of police custody in a violent fight that destroyed the precinct. The law isn't going to stop trying to bring in a potential suspect simply because Tim Drake says they're wrong. Stop being so stupidly naive, Mr. Smarty Pants.

Bunker, Raven, and Garfield are walking the streets of Chicago like it's Disneyland. They're approached by two women who are "huge fans of what they're all about." Oh really? And what is that, exactly? Could it possibly be nothing which is why the girl remains so vague? Yep, that's the correct answer! This comic book has no point except to have a bunch of teens looking like Rocafort teens and doing Pfeifer teen things! I just wish they'd do more on-panel teen sex things so that a middle aged man like myself could stay interested. Oh yeah! Young people fucking! That's worth $2.99! I mean, as long as they're not too young! You know the age I mean! Young adults! The ones right in that age bracket that makes them sexually aware but doesn't allow them (in most states) to actually have sex with most of the population! The age where I'd rather see them fuck each other than have to listen to them discuss anything at all!

I am so non-sports minded that it took me another page to realize what the fuck Gar was talking about here. Just think if it were a couple months earlier. He could have been a racist caricature for the hockey fans!

While a crowd gathers to take pictures with the Teen Titans, a woman falls on the tracks of the 'L' Train. Beast Boy fucks up and can't save her because he turns into a cheetah instead of something that flies. Bunker fucks up and can't save her because he's not fast enough with making floating flying brick shoes. Or something. Raven fucks up because I guess she didn't have the proper spells memorized to save somebody in distress. So Superboy has to fly down and rescue her. Of course he doesn't pick her up and fly her out of danger. No, he drops on the tracks and stops the train on a dime. So I'm assuming at least, oh, forty people are now seriously injured? There aren't any seat belts on these things, Superasshole.

Superboy has been using his powers flying about and stuff but I guess it's only when he blows up a cop's gun in her hands (which, you know, goes a long way to proving he's a good guy, you know?) does he use enough power to alert Manchester Black as to his location. Now the STAR Labs Titans need to gear up and go start a huge brawl in the middle of Chicago for the safety of everybody! Except I think they actually have more selfish motivations that don't really stem from protecting the world from Superboy. Just a hunch.

Kid Flash takes a moment to say "Hey, girls!" as he passes by Wonder Girl and Power Girl. I think that was more an exclamation of surprise than a greeting. You'd think since he has superspeed, he'd at least spend some time bringing Wonder Girl up to speed on how he's back from the future and from the distant planet Takron-Galtos and maybe take a moment to say what happened to Solstice maybe?

Because Superboy appeared and riled up the crowd, they've now turned on the Teen Titans. Yawn. Also, I think I'm offended by every single comic book writer who thinks that most people are irrational, senseless monsters who feel the need to physically assault anything they fear.

The team has an Indigo Lantern and they're relying on Klarion to teleport them? I won't even mention the other ridiculous shit on this page. I'll leave that for y'all in the comments section!

The STAR Labs Titans teleport to just outside of Mento's Chicago apartment and then Cassie punches the door to pieces. At least it's not as bad as Superboy flying straight through the wall. The only thing I've learned from superheroes is that if I ever received super-strength, I'll never open another door or window as long as I live! Once Cassie is inside the apartment, she challenges Superboy to another fight where she'll probably think things like, "He's so dreamy but I must defeat him!" or "I wish we were tussling in bed but he's so bad! In a good way! But not too!" or "He's trying to kill me and it makes me so fucking wet!"

Teen Titans #9 Rating: -1 Ranking because the art is the worst possible art if you're me. Most of you aren't but then you also don't get to rate the comic books on this page. It also gets -1 Ranking for being predictable Teen Titans bullshit where crowds love them but then they also hate them and then the Teen Titans battle some other Teen Titans. Not a hint of justice being served anywhere in the issue!

Aquaman #41

This is The Joker's worst plan ever. Teeny tiny Jokerized Great Whites?!

Here's a thing that happened with Aquaman: he wasn't really a big seller until Geoff Johns took him under his wing at the beginning of The New 52 and made him likeable. He actually fit the character Johns gave him. He kept to himself but still felt the need to help the people of his town even if they didn't appreciate it. He was kind and his relationship with hot-tempered Mera was sweet and believable. Then Jeff Parker came along and basically took that Aquaman and sent him on a few grand Atlantis-themed adventures. Parker didn't attempt anything revolutionary, and he didn't really reveal or change anything major in Aquaman's character. Things seemed to be going smoothly for Aquaman. He was a man a bit too tied down to leadership than he'd have liked but he seemed happy, he acted heroic, and Mera kicked motherfucking ass. I know that third part didn't have anything to do with Aquaman but she's been at least 45% of the reason the book was interesting. So with that being said, what happened that Aquaman's world suddenly needed to fall apart? Well, hopefully this issue will explain it in a way that I find interesting or I'm going to pout and maybe even cuss Cullen Bunn out loud!

The issue begins with an ancient building appearing through the St. Louis arch which means at least once in his life, Cullen Bunn looked at the arch, elbowed his equally drunk friend, and slurred, "What if that's a pothole? Porthole? Portal!" Then his friend threw up all over the back of the prostitute blowing Cullen Bunn and Cullen Bunn decided to write the wrong part of that story into his first issue of Aquaman.

Aquaman narrates the arrival of the ancient building which wouldn't be too bad if he were describing things he actually could perceive. Instead he's saying how the humans seeing it "don't know what they're looking at," and "their brains work overtime trying to make sense of it all." How does he know? Maybe some of them are Coast to Coast AM listeners and they were totally expecting this. One of them actually says, "--heard about something like this." See, Aquaman? Suck it! Take your condescending attitude and dive back home.

Aquaman arrives to save the day sporting a new costume. It must be Atlantis's Banishment Armor. Or the "I cheated on my wife with a hot jungle girl" outfit. His buckle must be the Atlantis version of the Scarlet Letter, especially since it makes him look like he's sporting a huge boner. Do none of the editors at DC know what a boner looks like?

This is from the Sneak Peek so maybe they've toned down this raging erection armor for the regular series.

This is a comic book so you'd think that panels of Aquaman slicing away at the attacking tentacles would be enough for readers. It could be visually spectacular and tell the tale in gushes of blood and curling tentacles and sweeping panels of Aquaman's battle. Instead, the first panel shows Aquaman cutting a tentacle with a SLLLLSH and while doing it, Aquaman Narration Boxes, "Enchanted blade bites deep...unnatural flesh torn asunder beneath its edge." That's almost as bad as back in the Golden Age when a panel showing Lois driving off of a cliff in her car would have a Narration Box explaining how she's driving her car off of a cliff while she's thinking to herself, "Oh no! I just drove my car off of a cliff!"

The rest of the battle needs Narration Boxes because Aquaman introduces concepts such as the "bane-field" which he's keeping at bay through mysterious blessings he's been blessed with by blessers. But at least his dialogue makes the whole book worthwhile!

This is where I'd add "Not!" if I weren't instead adding, "That's what she said!"

It feels like Cullen Bunn decided Aquaman would be best suited as a pulp fiction hero. Then he wrote a short story and handed it off to Trevor McCarthy with a note that said, "Turn this into a comic book." Did his wallet pinch him and say, "Hey! Hey buddy! You see how much scratch Gail Simone is making with Red Sonja and them other pulp heroes?! Holy jizz cows! You gotta get me some of that moolah!" And Cullen Bunn was all, "Argh! Why did I ever buy this wallet in that department store surrounded by a Bane-Field?!"

A bunch of pulp monsters come out to battle Aquaman and he pulls out his switchtrident ready to face them. But first...a flashback! In the flashback, Aquaman, Mera, Tula, Murk, and Swoon discover an ancient building with tendrils and tentacles coming out of it. But this one is under the water and poisoning the sea! That's enough flashback for now. Back to the awesome battle.

The awesome battle ends quickly with Aquaman freezing all of the opponents with his new Ice Power. Then he stabs the building with his trident, turning the building and all of the creatures into a pile of ash. The people of St. Louis try hard to comprehend what happened but they fail just as they fail to comprehend anything that truly matters every day in their rote existence. But Aquaman pops a boner (unless it's his suit) and thinks about the next kill. Also he thinks maybe he should finish that flashback!

It's a good think Vulko is around to give them a pretty definitive answer about what's happening. But even without him, the wild speculation by Atlantis's doctors and scientists was pretty close to the mark. I don't know how they do it without any fucking evidence at all! They just surmise shit and everybody nods their heads and says, "That sounds reasonable!"

Vulko makes his dipping the toe analogy based on speculation. He says he studied the scientists' findings but the findings amount to "it's possible this has been happening on a much smaller scale." Then the doctor goes on to speculate that it could have started with pebbles or small relics and then she says, "Or, as some of us believe, lower lifeforms." Everybody readily admits that there's no fucking evidence for the smaller scale incursion theory but, hey, it sounds good and it allows Vulko to use the "dipping the toe in water" analogy! Plus Vulko knew Atlantis was sick with this "genetic disease" for centuries. He just figured why tell anybody if they're going to keep him locked up for no good reason. Well, practically no good reason, anyway!

Oh shit. The people of St. Louis really are trite morons!

More evidence that the people of St. Louis are idiots (at least in the DCyou! I wouldn't want to offend any actual knuckleheads from St. Louis! They can't be responsible for where they were born), they shout merrily "Look! Look! Are those your people? Are they from Atlantis?" while pointing at ships flying through the sky. Now, I realize these ships are from Atlantis. But that doesn't make the people assuming they would be any smarter just because they've jumped to the right conclusion with the shittiest of evidence. Why the fuck are Atlanteans flying around in sky ships?! I don't buy it! Where do they even make these ships? Where do they test fly them?!

The Atlanteans demand that Aquaman surrender or they will kill him. But he just tells them to fuck off and teleports away. The Atlanteans say, "He's doing it again! He's teleporting!" Well, if they knew that he could do that, and he's run from them before, and lethal force isn't out of the question...why not just open fire as soon as they see him? Mera should have paid them more to kill the man that cheated on her ass. Her super duper fine ass, by the way. It's totally delicious.

Even though Arthur finished the "what's going on with these invasive buildings" flashback, Arthur still needs more flashbacks to bring everybody up to speed on why Mera now hates him. Also why Mera was allowed to be Queen of Atlantis when everybody hates her Xebel ass.

Aha! That's when everything went wrong! The proposal! It angered the Editorial Gods!

Also, Aquaman has allowed one of the intruding building and its people to remain non-ash. It's located in the Amazon and I bet it's right next door to Jungle Girl Booty Call. Supposedly Mera is pissed at Aquaman for allowing these people (who are not monsters like the St. Louis invaders. They look like humans (mostly) so they're allowed to live, I guess) to live. I think Mera is pissed because he's allowed them to live in the Amazon near Ya'wara and she's tired of Arthur getting back to the palace at three in the morning smelling like Jungle Sex but saying he was just checking on his new subjects.

Aquaman #41 Rating: I feel like if I don't drop the ranking, I'm not doing my job properly. I mean, Aquaman is now cut off from Mera which is a really terrible idea (-1 Ranking!) and he has a new uniform that accentuates his phallus (-1 Ranking!) and he's being chased by Atlantis because...well, I don't know. He's not saving them fast enough or something. The best thing about this current Aquaman is he's worse than ever! Try to defend this jerk, Aqua-lovers!