Justice League Dark #38

Maybe help the lady out, Flash?

I actually left the house and went on an adventure downtown yesterday! First I stopped by Billy Galaxy's which has tons of cool old toys and old comics and old Dungeons and Dragons materials but everything is way overpriced. It's still a neat little store to browse through and, if you don't mind paying a premium, you might be able to find the missing piece to some old toy collection. I like the store well enough and decided to support them so I paid nine dollars for a loose Super Powers Hawkman action figure. For thirty years now, I've had a Hawkman with a broken wing he received while riding shotgun in the Batmobile. Batman must have been drunk that day because he thought it would be a good idea to drive the Batmobile straight off the back porch. The car flipped upside down and landed on Hawkman's wing, snapping it off completely. I figured it was about time I replaced him.

I also stopped by the Doc Martin's store to see if they had any bright pink Doc Martins. They did! I asked an employee if they might possibly have any which would fit my feet and she said the largest size they make them in is a man's ten. I said, "Perfect! Bring them out!" As I opened the box, I knew they'd fit lengthwise but my feet were going to be too wide. I tried them on and still almost shelled out however many clams they'd cost (I never asked the price) but common sense told me the width would be a problem. So once again, I had to forgo bright pink Doc Martins because the world isn't ready for a world where shoes for men aren't completely boring and more boring. The employee sympathized with me and said, "I don't know why they don't just make them in all sizes." And I said, "Right on, sister!" Except I didn't say that part. I just said, "Thank you," and left.

Next I met the Non-Certified Spouse at Powell's where we each bought a book even though Powell's is the most expensive used book store in the history of used bookstores ever. People might think living in Portland is the bees knees because they have the biggest used bookstore ever and it's super famous and let's all jerk off over it, but they never consider the downside. Most of the books in Powell's aren't used. And even the used books are priced way higher than they should be. And because Powell's is so popular, smaller used bookstores find it harder to stay in business so there is a dearth of cutesie, affordable used bookstores with cats living in them here in Portland. Fuck you, Powell's! Although I still kind of love Powell's too. I think I'm in an abusive relationship with Powell's.

Finally we ate at the McMenamins under The Crystal Ballroom. I don't know what that one is called because I really wasn't paying attention. We prepared ourselves for a long wait punctuated by infrequent visits from an obnoxious server but were pleasantly surprised to get the one member of Mcmenamins' waitstaff who was friendly and timely. He did throw a few more thumbs ups at me than I was comfortable with. I was beginning to feel like I owed him a quick suck and tug by the end of the meal. Living in Portland, I guess I'm just not used to friendly service anymore!

And that's what happens on days that I actually venture out into the real world! I wind up ignoring Justice League Dark completely!

The issue begins with Swamp Thing, Frankenstein, Nightmare Nurse, and Andrew Bennett sailing across the seas of nothingness. I hope I don't have to read twenty-two pages of J.M. DeMatteis conversation between these characters. I mean, what else could possibly happen? They've sailed past the edge of everything and are now outside of all space and time!

Don't worry, guys! It's just the Zatanna tree!

Over in the Realm of Now (no, Now! Now! Now! Now?), Deadman, Black Orchid, and Madame Xanadu also become consumed by the Zatanna tree. Now Justice League Dark will all be together again and they'll return to the point in time where the House of Wonders ceased to be. And everything will return to normal and this comic book will end and life as we know it will never be the same again. Also, a bunch of people will begin buying DC Comics again simply because "The New 52" label is finally going to be dropped and they all believe that means "The New 52" has been cancelled and they're going to get their precious fictional characters back. Pshaw. They'll get what DC gives them and they'll like it! Or they'll stew and pout and bitch and moan about change just like old white men constantly do.

In my day, DC Comics destroyed infinite worlds and we liked it! We didn't have any of this "internet" in which to find other like-minded people with which to commiserate. Although to be fair, DC Comics really kind of sucked before Crisis on Infinite Earths. So it's not a good analogy to The New 52 because DC actually had some good shit going on before obliterating it this time. But, like always, things change not for the better or for the worse. They just change. So The New 52 has some shitty stuff and some really fucking good stuff. And the good stuff keeps getting better. I've been wondering when DC was going to finally drop The New 52 from the covers. I think that, and Conviviality, and all the new books beginning in June, will bring back a bunch of readers. It'll be up to DC to keep up the quality and maintain the new readers after that.

I'm particularly looking forward to the revamp because I've been saying all along that DC needs to concentrate more on individual stories and less on continuity. It looks like they're going to try that for a bit.

Anyway, Zatanna has now made friends with a face-tree living in a psychedelic miasma.

The Justice League Dark all wind up in Zatanna's land of imagination. Everybody hugs and enjoys celebratory cupcakes (except for Boston because he can't eat them and nobody will let him possess them to enjoy his cupcake and Frankenstein sat on it anyway). "Unnnh," he said, "I have cupcake on my pants." Then everybody laughed and the credits rolled.

Okay, maybe they didn't laugh. But they did have a long, boring discussion about whose little adventure was the worst and the pain of fantasy. And no matter how much I wished it, the credits refused to roll over any of it. Hopefully they'll get back into the House of Leaves and figure out what they're up against. And the World Tree decides to make it easy for them by creating the house right before their eyes.

Yggdrasil equals Zampanò's House of Leaves equals The House of Mystery. I'll buy that.

The House of Mystery takes the Justice League Dark to a place called The Heart of Chronos where time is created. And to their dismay, they find it ass-full of Time Gremlins! I think they're also known as Langoliers.

Zatanna manages to kill all of the Time Gremlins by expelling all the magical energy she's collected while living in her fantasy world. But she fails to seal the leaks in the Heart of Chronos. That might be a problem for the team next issue.

Justice League Dark #38 Rating: -1 Ranking. This story, "The Amber of the Moment," has had four parts so far. Two were interesting enough to entertain me and two were horrible enough for me to throw up in my mouth two or three times while reading them. And the Justice League Dark is still in the dark about what's going on. Is that where they get their name?

Star Spangled War Stories #6

This comic book was so boring it ended Earth-Main-Earth.

I should only be doing commentary on comic books that people actually read. I waste some of my best material on this fucking comic book that nobody is interested in! Somebody take Gray and Palmiotti off of these war stories that nobody is interested in and force them to do a romance book that takes place in a Hollywood senior care facility with a bunch of delusional old people that keep slipping in and out of characters they played when they were younger. Also maybe have a monster lurking in the basement that feeds off of the energy of old people fucking. And perhaps the staff were cats that were transformed into people by an ancient curse which had actually cursed the cat's owners to switch places with the cats but the cat owners (as cats) died years ago. And a neighborhood eight-year old constantly comes around with catnip and yarn and field mice he's captured because he learned it makes the staff flip the fuck out. And maybe a local politician is trying to raze the facility to the ground to build condominiums but what he really wants to do is clear the ground for a satanic ritual to grant him tons of power but it can only be performed on an ancient burial ground which this senior care center was built upon.

I think I just pitched the next season of American Horror Story: Senior Care Facility.

This issue begins with some guy I don't care about in Ecuador calling some guy I don't care about in Utah about some deal I don't care about at all. Then the scene shifts to a woman swimming naked with milk leaking out of her nipples.

If I were a nursing mother, I'd have a tube inserted into my breast which was attached to a bottle of Strawberry Quik Syrup. Then I'd be all, "Somebody get this kid a wet nurse!" And then I'd drink up my own sweet, sweet strawberry flavored breast milk.

Tiffany, or whatever her name was, climbs naked out of the pool to find one of the guys I don't care about sitting in the corner of her room getting a sneak peek at her best bits. They discuss fingers and then she puts her underwear on. It's damn near Shakespeare. You know, in that I find it incomprehensible and boring.

Although that Titus Andronicus is pretty good as long as somebody stands nearby as you read it while splashing blood around the room at all the points blood should be splashing. And you can learn some pretty good Jewish slurs from The Merchant of Venice. And maybe some good slurs for black people from Othello! I can't remember that one as well except that Othello's problem wasn't that he didn't love enough but that he loved too well. That was one of the first things I ever read where a character totally loves and trusts somebody and then a sketchy dude says practically one thing to make the character doubt the person they love and they completely change their opinion and wind up thinking, "Whelp, I guess she has to die then!" Maybe it's not that simple but by the end of the play, you're just left thinking, "Holy fuck. That Othello was a fucking dickbag."

I mean, Shakespeare?! Whut?!

This scene would be better if they were naked.

Somewhere in this Spa is a zombie in a body bag. I sure wish he'd break out so we can begin the zombie movie, Spa Day of the Dead.

Tiffany has another scene with a character I'm not interested in named Cat. They microwave tuna sandwiches and discuss how failing to join the Hillbilly Resistance would suck. Mostly because failures are killed and turned into tuna sandwiches.

Meanwhile, GI Zombie is delivered downstairs to the tuna sandwich making facility. Before he can be tuna sandwiched, he tuna sandwiches the two hillbilly tuna sandwich makers. But he doesn't do it stealthily, setting off the sprinklers when one of the sandwich makers begins running around the room coated in flames. Then GI Zombie stands triumphant and an old guy comes in looking like Frankenstein and says, "Sometimes dead is better."

When some more Hillbilly Spa Workers come looking for GI Zombie, he kills all but one of them. Then he demands answers while pointing a gun at her.

Why is it that every time somebody has a gun in a movie or comic book, they always wind up getting punched? Do they not know that guns are ranged weapons?! Stay out of melee combat, dicks!

GI Zombie winds up knocking the character I don't care about out. So now he'll have to get his information the hard way! By eating her brains! No, wait. He opts for exploring the facility. He finds a room with guns hanging from hooks on dozens of twenty foot tall walls and makes a few conclusions: the hillbillies are going to war, and they must have hired one of those people that come into your house and provide you with incredible tips on how to store your excess material goods. "You could fill this space from floor to ceiling with six inch walls spaced about eight inches apart! Then add hundreds of hooks to hang everything so you can just glance around and know where to find it! No more losing items in hard to reach boxes that have lost their labels!" Then she'd show a brief video with a narrator saying, "Has this every happened to you?" while the clumsiest man in the world tries to get a box out from underneath twenty other boxes and they all fall over and break the guy's neck and his house explodes and a mushroom cloud shoots up from the city and the entire planet dies from a nuclear winter.

GI Zombie grabs a gun and then heads into the men's room to threaten a guy taking a leak. The guy is all, "You've never been to prison, have you?" And GI Zombie is all, "Whut?" And the guy is all, "Oh, never mind. That was just something Tess and Tess's best friend from high school would understand." And GI Zombie is all, "Oh, okay then. Now let me shoot you in the knee for information." And then the guy gives up all of the information.

GI Zombie makes it to the monitor room to shut down all the monitors only to find that the monitor room is being monitored. It's like Inception but comprehensible and far less interesting!

What is this group trying to accomplish again? Some form of self-determination determined by the leaders of the self-determination movement?

Forrest, the leader of the Hillbilly Self-Determination Spa and Radicalization Retreat who I don't care about, initiates the self-destruct sequence. Does the self-destruct sequence always have to be initiated? And does it always have to be a sequence? Can't it just be a command that is turned on? Everybody in the facility now has fifteen minutes left to get their affairs in order or to escape on the one plane leaving within the next fifteen minutes. After that, the Spa will explode in nuclear fire. I guess the self-destruct sequence begins by telling the clumsiest man in the world to go retrieve a copy of Sherilyn Fenn's Playboy spread down in storage. And of course it's in the bottom box in a very tall stack of boxes!

At least Tiffany, that main character I don't care about who might also be named Sandra or Megan or something, has been invited to board the escape plane. But will GI Zombie make it aboard in time?! I'm going to guess, "Yes."

Star Spangled War Stories #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. This was the best issue so far! Especially considering I don't care about any of the characters! It still didn't involve war of any kind. This really should be called Star Spangled Tales of Espionage.

Sinestro #9

I thought Mongul was still hiding from Brainiac in the Phantom Zone?

Lately every time I sit down to read another comic, I become overwhelmed by sadness and loss. I've been doing this commentary thing for a little over three years and during that time, I had a constant companion somewhere near me. On my desk. In my comic book boxes behind my head. On his comic book box perch beside me. Beside me in the lawn chair when writing out back in the summer. In my lap.

Judas, my best friend for fifteen years.

And lately it's just hit me how lonely it feels getting on the laptop to write another commentary without him nearby. Especially when it's a comic book that I don't really care about. I used to spend as much time petting Judas and talking to him as I did reading and writing. He was as good a distraction from tediousness as he was a deadly hunter of sticky hands and wacky wallwalkers. I just wanted to acknowledge my pain and sadness before trying to be funny. You know, grease the humor wheels!

Now that Sinestro can get back to his own storyline and he doesn't have to deal with Hal Jordan's next vehicle to show the universe that he means something, he's going to once again have to deal with The Paling. He'd thought he'd taken care of them before getting caught up in his best friend and most hated enemy's problems. But they're back! And they don't give a shit! Because giving a shit is the problem, you see? If you can just wipe emotion out of your life, you'll be free! Free to not care that you're being enslaved and manipulated by some pale, apathetic assholes. Free to not give a shit when they decimate your world and fuck your boyfriend. Free from worry! Free from strife! Free from choice! Free from joyfully cackling over ubiquitous videos of kittens misjudging jumps and falling on their faces. You're even free from feeling gratitude to The Paling for freeing you from the roller coaster of having emotions.

Besides Sinestro and his Corps, it looks like another group have a grudge against The Paling as well.

With laughter! Man the joke books! Memorize the Robin Williams' albums! And arm yourselves with sadness! Remember your dead friends! And arm yourselves with anger! Realize that Buck Buck and Old Weird Harold and Fat Albert and Noah and drifting backwards into the bay in a Volkswagen are tainted memories! Also arm yourselves with whatever other emotions exist. Willpower, I think?

Currently the Yellow Lanterns are in a fictional place (more fictional than the usual fictional places they hang out in) called "Sector 3601." Is that outside of the regular DC Universe? Cullen Bunn is the guy that doesn't know the difference between a galaxy and a universe, so he probably didn't do his due diligence on understanding the way the DC Universe is divided up into 3600 sectors. I'm sure he's going to use Sector 3601 as a sector outside of the Green Lantern Corps' jurisdiction. And it's possible that my understanding of the sectors is completely wrong and totally made up in my mind. But since the number is 3600, it seems to relate to the number of degrees in a circle. So I always pictured all the sectors extending outward from Oa in pyramid-like shapes, growing larger as they grew further from Oa. And every galaxy within that sector as it expanded to the edges of the known universe were patrolled by two Lanterns. Did I just make that up in my own logical and smarter than everybody else's head?

Sinestro ignores his underlings because he's in loOoOoOoOoOve with Bekka of New Genesis! Somebody get this pushover a Violet Ring already! Pee-yuke!

Arkillo is a little miffed about the situation since it was Bekka that cut off his fingers. Now he has to wear his yellow ring on fake yellow fingers of light. Why doesn't he just wear it on his other hand? Does he masturbate with the other hand and he doesn't like how the ring catches on his pubic hair? Actually, I don't think Arkillo has pubic hair since he seems to be evolved from some kind of walrus. I think those are mostly hairless! I should probably look that up instead of passing it on as an incorrect fact much the way Ann Nocenti would do.

Looking it up on the internet, source of all correct information, I found a picture of walruses from a distance with the caption that reads: The hair on a walrus is hard to see. Yeah, especially from twenty feet away! Thanks a lot, Internet. Anyway, they kind of have hair but it's not long enough to get caught in a ring while masturbating.

Black Mercys! Who could be behind this?! Seriously, I don't think Jim Starlin is writing this so who is it?

Sinestro sends Dez, Arkillo, and Soranik home so that he and Lyssa can face Mongul on their own. For some reason. Maybe Sinestro will Narration Box why he doesn't want his army with him when he faces Mongul. Knowing Sinestro's complex character traits and myriad motivations, I'm sure the reason he wants to face Mongul alone will be unguessable. Or it's his pride.

Sinestro does indeed find Mongul waiting for him. Mongul and Warworld. That's funny because I thought they were in the Phantom Zone. But what do I know, right? I'm just a slacker with an internet tested IQ of 28 who has read just about every DC Comic book since The New 52 began. That doesn't mean I remember any of it!

I suppose, if I don't want to be a pesky dickface, I can assume that when the Phantom Zone Projector exploded at the end of the Doomed story arc, that it freed Mongul and Warworld and shot them into the fictional Sector 3601. I suppose, if I want to be gracious and kind, I can believe that. Fuck gracious and kind. Somebody screwed up!

I don't know why Mongul called Sinestro out to fight in Sector 3601 after school but here we are! Sinestro mentions that Mongul's skin is too tough for his light to penetrate, so he sends his yellow construct up through Mongul's dickhole. No, seriously. He asks Mongul where Mongul thinks he was able to breach Mongul's defenses: "Your pores? Beneath a fingernail? Through a hair follicle?"

That smile definitely says "dickhole."

I guess sometime in pre-Flashpoint, Sinestro kicked Mongul's ass and this plan is just Mongul's way of getting revenge. Mongul mentions something called the Mongul Corps, so this must have happened in the Geoff Johns Rainbow Years where Geoff Johns just thought he was the smartest fucker in the room. Probably thought he had an IQ of like 32 or something. Braggart.

Sinestro hates Mongul because he sees himself in Mongul and he hates himself. So why does he hate Jordan? Because he sees somebody totally different from himself and he hates everybody totally different from himself? Does Sinestro not like anything?

Just as Sinestro is about to unleash his killing blow on Mongul, he's blasted out of his uniform by some glowing fucker. This guy claims to be a member of the Apex League and they need Sinestro's help to defeat The Paling! Probably.

My guesses as to the identities of the Apex League from left to right: Ennui, Star Cluster Face, Naked Robot, Flaming Duck Feet, Curmudgeon, and The Grump.

Sinestro #9 Rating: No change. I don't know. At least the artist knew which one of Arkillo's hands was maimed. I guess that shows somebody put some effort into this comic book. And how about that last page reveal of the evil villain group?! I've never seen that done before! Now I'm excited for next month's issue to find out who they are! Too bad by next month, I'll have completely forgotten how this issue ended and I'll open up the issue and think, "Who the fuck are these guys?"

Infinity Man and the Forever People #7

It's February. Enough with the happy new years already.

I have the original script of Infinity Man and the Forever People #7 in my hands! I think it would have been more successful if they hadn't made any changes to the script but then that's why I don't run a comic book publishing business, I guess. Let's compare the original script to what made it to the shelves, shall we?

Page One.

The original script:

PAGE ONE: Mark Moonrider sits unhappily in a location where he ought to seem happy, perhaps a strip club with a woman straddling him and rubbing her breasts in his face? He wears a stupid hat to indicate that it is the eve of the new year.

Narration Box: Why did I come here in loose fitting clothes? How am I going to stand up? Worse yet, what if I blow New Genesis seed all over the inside of my super trousers?
Narration Box: It's so hard being a white man god. Nobody understands the angst created by not having any problems projected onto me by society, leaving me the time and luxury to become introspective and think about nothing but my own existence. So much angst! So much brooding!
Narration Box: Man tears!

Page Two.

PAGE TWO: Nine panels showing the back of Mark Moonrider as Serafina enters from the VIP Lounge, completely sopping wet. She sits by him and they talk in the last three panels:

P.7
Mark: Serafina.
Serafina: Mark.

P.8
Mark: Funny meeting you here.
Serafina: Yeah. Funny.

P.9
Mark: Want to talk about it? Why are your clothes soaking wet? How much did it cost? Please want to talk about it.

PAGE THREE: Serafina, still dripping in mystery fluids, tells her story to Mark Moonrider. The story continues in flashbacks with Serafina narrating. [NOTE: Remember to use white text in a lavender box for Serafina's Narration Boxes to increase reader eye strain]

Narration Box: Even though this whole New Gods Graduation Class Trip to Earth Mission makes no sense, I still try to take it seriously because I'm a black woman god in a white male god world and I have to fight for every ounce of respect I can get. I save the world and it's, "Holy shit! We can't believe Serafina, with Mark Moonrider's help, saved the world. To say she fulfilled the least of our expectations would be a lie because we actually had no expectations for her!" You save the world and it's all, "Mark Moonrider does it again! Masterful! Amazing! Truly epic! And he practically did it all by himself with minimal help from his POC and female sidekicks!"
Narration Box: So we just had that mission where we battled Mantis that we failed but I think Infinity Man succeeded because of course our group, being over half female and POC, need to call on a white male god (who is, let's face it, probably cishet) to solve all of our problems. So gross.

Narration Box: Anyway, then we couldn't fucking figure out how to get home because "maps are confusing, tee hee!" And we had to get directions from a cow.
Narration Box: Then we destroyed our entire neighborhood by battling a bunch of Green Lanterns because even though we don't agree with what New God Patriarchy is up to, we still get blamed for their actions by outsiders to New Genesis.
Narration Box: It's fucking bullshit, man.
Narration Box: So anyway, I decided to do what I could to help this world without asking any of you munchholes. So I see this guy that's being bullied and I think, "Hey! I can help this one person and make the world a better place." So I enhance the hell out of the fucker with New God technology, right?
Narration Box: Only to find out later he's a borderline sociopath with a history of violence. Of course he was! He was a white male! I should have just left him to deal with his pathetic white guy versus white guy problems himself. Last fucking time I get involved, I tell you what.

Penultimate Panel: Serafina opens the door to Doctor Skuba's apartment and is knocked down by a wave of water.
Last Panel: POV from between Doctor Skuba's legs as Serafina, on her ass, looks up into his crotch and asks, "Dr. Skuba?"

PAGE FOUR: Doctor Skuba and Serafina talk outside of his apartment.

P.1.
Skuba: Hello, woman who also cared about water!
Serafina: Oh shit. You got that Darkseid look about you now.

P.2
Skuba: I've been talking to water lately! I have so much in common with it. It's all, "We oppress fish!" And I'm all, "I oppress those that don't look or act like me!" And it's all, "Cool!" And I'm all, "I know!"

P.3: As Skuba and Serafina talk, two men encased in water float nearby.
Skuba: The water wanted me to punish those guys who peed in it, so now I've encapsulated them in their own pee water!

P.4:
Skuba: Justice for all water and mankind who thinks and acts similarly to the way I do!

PAGE FIVE

P.1
Serafina laughing loudly: Ha ha! Good one! But, um, no.

P.2
Skuba: Have you ever peed in the pool, missy?!

P.3
Serafina: Of course not! [Is a Narration Box needed here to indicate she's lying or should we assume the reader knows she's lying since everybody has peed in a pool at least once in their lives? Maybe just let Skuba's reaction reveal the falsehood]

P.4
Skuba: No. You're just like them! No regard for the water!

P.5
Serafina: But you use toilets, right? That's water! You also defile the....
Skuba: Enough! The water has spoken! Everybody drowns!

Page Six.

PAGE SIX: Literal Splash Page. Ha ha! Doctor Skuba stands as a wave crashes down on Serafina and nearby pedestrians, flooding the apartment complex and the streets nearby.

Narration Box: I was all, "Oof!" and "Urgh!" and "Ack!" Then I thought about YouTube which is weird because I don't think anything called "YouTube" exists in the DC Universe. Isn't it called MeCardboardLightsaber or something stupidly tongue-in-cheek?

PAGE SEVEN: Doctor Skuba and Serafina tussle in the flooded neighborhood while all the stray cats drown.

P.1
Skuba: Water covers like 33% of the world's surface and I plan on claiming the other 65%! [Check facts and math on that before printing]
Serafina: Just like a fucking white male. Thinking you have to be the champion of the underrepresented! Have you asked the water what it wants? Do you think it really wants to be brought up on land where it's going to flood the sewer system and become more polluted than from just some drunk asshole throwing a piss balloon in a pool?

P.2
Skuba: Do not try to censor me, you dumb cunt! I have the right to say what I think the underrepresented really want without you telling me what you really want!
Serafina: Gross! Shut up! Give me back my enhancement! I'm sorry I ever felt sorry for you!

P.3
Skuba: You don't know everything I've done for the water! You don't know me! I've championed the water since whenever!
Serafina: Have another fucking cookie then, assmite.

P.4
Skuba: And now you drown!

PAGE EIGHT

P.1: Doctor Skuba creates a bubble of air around himself as he tries to drown Serafina.
Skuba: I cannot breathe water yet but soon! Soon I will wear all of water's accoutrements! I will speak in water slang! I will sport a waterfro! I will listen to gently roaring sounds of every ocean and when I ask The Indian Ocean if it's ever heard the sound of the Pacific Ocean and it says, "Why, no." I'll say, "Ha! I'm more water than you!"

P.2-4: As Doctor Skuba loses himself in his Evil Villain Monologue, Serafina pounces on him and pulls the enhancement from his back.
Serafina: Appropriate much!
Skuba: No! NO! That's mine now!
Serafina: It was never yours!

P.5: Serafina far out at sea as Doctor Skuba sinks beneath the waves.
Narration Box: And then I headed home without asking the water for kudos because I'm just trying to help out where I can, you know?

PAGE NINE: Serafina ends her story, scene shifts back to the present, Moonrider begins the story of his day. It begins in a hotel room with the other Forever People sitting around listening to Big Bear.

Last Panel
Big Bear: Based on the New God's studies of human behavior, as well as some extra information given to us by a cow, a dog, and three turkeys, these are the things we should do on New Years Eve to fit in: Wear a tiny hat. Explode tiny guns filled with paper. Blow on miniature and out of tune horns. Fuck wantonly. Imbibe dangerously of alcoholic brews. Scream and shout a lot to indicate we are enjoying ourselves and are not at all simply lost and lonely and trying to pretend we are happy amongst dozens of other people pretending in like manner.

Page Ten.

PAGE TEN: Panels with the Forever People reacting to Big Bear's revelations of what to do on New Year's. Make them up as you see fit.

PAGE ELEVEN: Keith, you're a pretty good writer. Just do whatever you want for Mark Moonrider's story. I have a fucking publishing company to run.

Page Eleven is just filled with doodles of naked Batwoman and naked Maggie Sawyer with Didio standing between them masturbating and cackling evilly.

At this point, the script changes noticeably in that before it was typed and organized while now it is scribbled and stained with wine, tears, and enchilada sauce.

PAGE WHATEVER: Fuck you, Dan Didio. I have a life. I have experience. I have tenure! Fucking only giving me half-pay on a book I write most of the jokes for! I'll show him. He loves his Jack Kirby creations so Goddamned much.

A Panel
Big Bear: "I'm a fucking New God but I'm so stupid that I don't understand the rotation of the planets or the way most alien cultures divide their planet's orbit around the sun into seasons and years!"
Some Other Forever Person. Whichever. They're All The Same: "Can we not just say the mystic chant of 'Happy New Year' and make the new year come already? DER!"

Another Panel
Black Vykin: "Duh! My chronothing says it's almost midnight and I don't feel weird at all!"
Big Bear: "Only proves my theory that we New Gods are bad ass motherfuckers! Yeah!"

Yet Another Panel
Black Bear: "More stupid bullshit because I'm the leader of the Earth Summer Reading Program but I know nothing! Brrrt!"

Final Panel Maybe
Black Bear: "Happy New Year, whatever that is!"

PAGE WHO CARES?

A Panel: Black Vykin sees kissing on the television.
Black Vykin: "Ho diddly doo! Now that's a new yar! Come here, whichever one of you I'm in a relationship with!"

Another Panel: Black Vykin and that other Forever Person kiss.
Mark Moonripper: "Get a room!"
Beauteous Dreamer: "This is a room! Oh! Kissing seems like a good time. Look at my bosoms and feel the heat of my crotchy area!"
Mark Moonriper: "I'm impotent! Or gay! Or a traitor! So I can't kiss you! Goodbye!"

Another Panel: Mark Moonracer runs from the room.

PAGE PAGEY: Back to Mark and Serafina sitting in the strip club.

A Panel
Serafina: "Wait. You're gay?"

Another Panel
Mark: "If by gay you mean I can't get it up for Dreamer due to amazing amounts of pressure and constantly thinking about how many other men she's been with and totally feeling oppressed by a changing society that's trying to castrate the white man and getting little sleep having to answer emails on the Meninist site I run, then yes. I mean, no, I'm not but it's that other stuff that has caused the stiff to vacate my stiffy."

Another Panel: Mark crying tons and tons of mantears as strippers pass by with disgusted looks on their faces.
Mark: Why is the world so hard for a white male cishet god!?

Another Panel
Serafina: "Oh, shut up. You're lucky you're hot and I'm horny and this comic book needs a little drama, so open up that mouth and take my vagina, you clod!"

PAGE NEARING THE END I HOPE: Fuck you, DidioOOOOOOOOOOOO!

A Panel
Serafina: "Let's promise to fuck later! I'm going back to the party to drop hints about us to Dreamer and watch her squirm!"

Another Panel: A mysterious woman approaches Mark from behind.
Mystery Woman: "Nice boner."
Mark: "It works! I'm in love!"

MORE PAGES UGH!

Some Panels: The Mysterious Stranger turns out to be that woman that lived near Big Bear's New Gods Complex Apartment or whatever. Leilani or something.
Leilani: "Let's fuck."
Mark: "What? NO! This boner is not for you!"
Leilani: "Why not? Prude."
Mark: "Slut!"
Leilani: "You will die by my father's hands and your bones shall be strewn amongst the wreckage of this planet!"
Mark: "Wait. What? Do I know you?"

Last Panel: Leilani skates off masturbating furiously.

Page Sixteen.

The last four pages of script are a printed out group text to penciller Daniel HDR from Didio and Giffen.

Didio: Goddamn it, Giffen! You were supposed to introduce the Lord Aagog plot hinted at from Futures End!
Giffen: Fack oo. I've drunk.
Didio: Daniel, make sure Mark doesn't let Leilani skate away. And she isn't fucking masturbating! Don't you dare try to sneak in some cute FAP sound effect or something!
Giffen: FAP FAP FAPPITY FAP FAP
Didio: If Julius Schwartz hadn't put that clause in your contract that forces DC to give you work until you die, I would so fucking fire you, Giffen!
Giffen: FAP FAP FAPPITY FAPPITY FOO!
Didio: Dan, make sure Mark explicates who Lord Aagog is and how he leads the cult of Yuga Khan who is Darkseid's father! You got that?
HDR: My last name is weird!
Giffen: Fiffee dollars unt no more, kay? hurry up boner failsing
Didio: Wrong text window, Giffen.
Giffen: WHoopsees!
Didio: Go ahead and just finish out the last few pages with a battle between Marc and Leilani, Thumpa, Killsandra, and Enchanthrax. Better known as The Femmes Fatales! I'm going to bed.
Giffen: Wait. wait wait wait wait wiait.
Didio: What?
Giffen: I love you! Bwa ha ha ha!

Infinity Man and the Forever People #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book was awesome! And then it was changed and printed differently. Whatever.

Harley Quinn #14

Harley's losing her touch. She should be using a tattoo gun.

Harley has a bad day.

Harley Quinn #14 Rating: No change. It was just a bad day! She'll get it together next time. And maybe she'll even get to suck Mason's fat cock. And decapitate a girl on roller skates. Perhaps she'll finally get her beaver fixed up too. I wonder if she's heard The Joker is back in Gotham City? And that he's an immortal monster? I know she's been spending some time down there fucking around with Deathstroke and trying to get him killed by The Batman. That's always a bad plan though because doesn't she know Batman doesn't kill people? The best part about this comic book is that she looked crazy sexy on just about every page. The worst part was how she apparently reads G.I. Zombie. Look, Palmiotti. Nobody cares about your stupid war books for DC Comics. Unless the next one is Adventures of Naked Super Model Zombies and Big Cocked Marines, it's just not going to sell, okay?

The Spooky Files #3

Sister Justine's true face is composed of a cock, two vaginas, and a sphincter full of teeth.

If you are pregnant or have a heart condition or are pregnant with a baby with a heart condition, you should not read my commentary of The Spooky Files #3 because things are going to get quite spooky indeed. But first, I need to practice being the World's Greatest Detective by taking the third course in the Trixie Belden Course For World's Greatest Detectivating!

This course is titled "The Case of the Tricky Tattoos!" Since I live in Portland, Oregon, I bet I'll be pretty good at solving crimes involving tattoos and/or non-prescription glasses. Here is the case:

Trixie is investigating a robbery in which there are four suspects: Donna the Dip, Dapper Dave, Jailbird Joe, and Carol the Con. Where was the robbery? The 1940s?! Did somebody steal a thing that represents the 1940s that would be totally hilarious to people that grew up in the 1940s but since I didn't I can't think of any? Maybe a Zoot Suit? Or a Nazi? Anyway, Trixie has four clues to help her nab the culprit! If one of those clues is "They had a tattoo on their neck," that's my vote for the guilty party!

1. Three of the suspects are right-handed, and three of them have tattoos on the opposite wrist from the hand they write with. Wrist tattoos? Really? Those aren't hardcore! I think the fourth person is the thief!
2. Neither Dapper Dave nor Jailbird Joe has a tattoo on his left wrist, but both Jailbird Joe and Carol the Con have scars under their left eyes. How are these clues related to the crime? Are we just trying to figure out which suspect looks the most like a criminal? I don't even know what the crime was yet!
3. Donna the Dip writes with a different hand than Dapper Dave does. So what?!
4. The guilty suspect has no tattoos on either wrist. So arrest the person without any tattoos on their wrists then! What are you asking me for?!

Let me get this straight. Some place was robbed and the police just nabbed four people on the street who happened to have fishy nicknames. Then a witness came forth and said, "The thief didn't have any tattoos on their wrists." Then the cops went, "Duh! Which one could it be! Somebody get Trixie Belden over here!" Using my great deductive skills and impeccable logic, Jailbird Joe must be the thief because his nickname is "Jailbird"! Also he has a neck tattoo and the witness was all, "Yeah, yeah. That's totally the guy that stole all of those dildos. Also, Dapper Dave was the left handed one and since the trend in this town was to only put tattoos on the wrists of their non-dominant hand, Jailbird Joe should have had a tattoo, if he had a wrist tattoo at all, on his left wrist! That's when I shouted, "A-ha! Jailbird Joe! Your nickname is well earned, culprit!"

Okay, I made up the thing about the neck tattoo but the solution was Jailbird Joe so pretty soon I'm going to have The Batman's job!

That wasn't very spooky, was it? Let's get to the spooky stuff now. LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!

Just kidding! That was like when the counselor at camp tells a scary story that doesn't really have a scary ending to it so he just kicks the fire into the face of the kids while screaming the last line of his story.

Camp Counselor: "AND THE MAN WITH THE HOOK WAS UNDER THE BED LICKING THE GIRL'S HAND AND NOW HE'S STANDING BEHIND YOU!" *KICK FLAMES BURNING SCREAMING*

Since smallpox was wiped out in the non-biological warfare vaults world, do kids still get vaccinated against it? I thought there was a cut off year between those of us with a smallpox scar on our arm where we were inoculated and those of you with clear, unblemished skin who will never run into one of your government sponsored alien hybrid clones one day.

The girl is attacked by her shadow and that's just the time Ray Fawkes and Ben Templesmith decide we should experience a flashback! Jerkos!

Just like Sister Justine had a flashback last issue, Drake gets a flashback this issue. It's about a time she was stoned out of her mind as she and a friend went to pick up some drugs and wound up in a Quentin Tarantino movie. Something about a drug deal turned into a cop killing initiation and possibly Matches Malone being involved. We'll return to that story later.

Rook continues to investigate the Midnight Shift because he's totally their Dana Scully and he's all, "This can't be what it seems!" and "Aliens aren't real; it was probably bears!" and "Please God, give us the faith and wisdom to understand the scientific reasons behind these supposedly supernatural events. Amen."

Back at the hospital, the shadow escapes from its source body!

Smallpox has become shadowborne!

I think Oral Herpes went shadowborne decades ago. I'm pretty sure you can catch it just be having somebody's shadow pass over you while your mouth is open.

Back in the flashback, Drake turns out to be not high at all and an also she's an undercover cop. She can also knock people down with her screams. When did Black Canary go back to her maiden name and join the Gotham Police Department? Does she have a sister? Maybe this is her evil shadow twin that left Black Canary when she began dating Condor because she was so disgusted by him.

Back in the present, Doctor Tarr stops the spreading epidemic by talking to the shadow in Weird Little Girlese.

Maybe it can join the team?

Back in the flashback, Corrigan was the cop in the trunk that Drake had to save by killing all of the drug dealers and totally blowing her cover. And Jim Corrigan knows more about her Supernatural Scream than she does. She's probably a banshee. But the flashback doesn't let the reader know her secrets because the point of the story was just to show how Drake and Corrigan met and became partners. Unless there was a different point to the story!

Back in the present, Drake removes the shadow from the girl using a flashlight to cut it away. The shadow disappears and the girl dies or falls into a coma or some other sad thing that makes Drake cry. Unless she was crying for some other reason!

This case was just another spooky case involving a general rise in spookiness in Gotham City. The city is under attack by spooky forces and only the Midnight Shift has what it takes to stop it!

Gotham By Midnight #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. This book is good and I love the art but it could definitely be spookier. Somebody needs to turn the Spooky Rating to 11. No, to 12! Turning the dial to 11 is so three or four decades ago!

Gotham Academy #4

Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps!

Previously in Maps Goes To Gotham Academy With A Bunch Of Other Characters That Don't Matter Except Maybe Pomeline Fritch Because I Can Remember Her Full Name For Some Reason. Maybe it's because I really like this comic book! I also know Maps Mizoguchi and Olive Silverlock! And Kyle Mizoguchi but that's cheating because he has the same last name as the best character in all of comicdom so how could I ever forget it?

So far, Maps has been having a lot of scary adventures with her friend Olive. They've hunted ghosts and played Dungeons and Dragons and broke into the North Hall where they were forbidden to go and hung from a rope which interrupted Bruce Wayne's rich guy speech to the school. She's also invented the next huge catch phrase: "Oh my crap!" I'm waiting for Maps to get her own comic book now, DC. Don't make me start writing serious fan fiction!

This issue does not begin with Olive Silverlock's funeral for some reason. She was grabbed by a monster inside the North Hall when last issue ended but now she and her love interest, Pomeline Fritch, are standing outside of the North Hall's crime scene remembering how Olive didn't die. I hate when comic books begin with minor characters. Let's see what Maps is up to!

Olive is called into the Headmaster's office for mysterious reasons. She's probably going to be told that her mother escaped from Arkham Manor! Although that happened in the snow and it doesn't look like it's been snowing lately at Gotham Academy. So maybe that won't happen for a few issues yet. While waiting for the Headmaster to yell at her, she witnesses Bruce Wayne and Isla MacPherson talking about their date from the other night. So I guess Bruce Wayne has been sexing it up since Natalya's death! Maybe they're not discussing a date but it really seems like Bruce is trying to apologize for being such a greedy, selfish lover and Isla is trying to just forget the entire experience. Before Olive can hear any sweet details, Headmaster Hammer Head nearly scares the shit out of her. Why does he have to look so creepy? Doesn't he know Gotham Academy looks like the kind of place where creepy old man monsters roam the halls looking for sweet, young innocent flesh? Hmm, that describes every high school in America, I think!

Olive has also been noticing a symbol that looks like somebody typed an "A" on a typewriter and then moved the carriage back one space and typed a "V" over the "A" and then moved the carriage back one space and typed an "O" on top of that. What it is is a "W" on top of an "M" which is the symbol for Wayne Manor as seen in Arkham Manor when the workers were converting the place into an asylum. One of the workers just knocked the ends off of the "W" to turn it into an "A" and voila! Arkham Manor!

Oh look! It's the guy who reads!

The Guy Who Reads knows Olive. It seems he helped her over the summer which is still fuzzy in her memory. She should go ask Maps what Maps knows about him because Maps! She hasn't even been in this yet!

Oh wait! I just turned the page and there she was! Best character ever!

I hope Wizards of the Coast doesn't sue over this! I guess as long as Maps doesn't also paint a Mind Flayer and a Rust Monster, she'll be okay.

Eric, the boy who had better stay away from Maps if he knows what's good for him, is also in Maps's painting class. Apparently Maps and Olive saw the symbol in his sketchbook, so they head over to make him really uncomfortable in that way that only teenaged boys can feel uncomfortable when two cute girls approach him out of nowhere and want to talk to him and he didn't have any time to prepare what he should say so the only authentic response becomes to run away screaming.

Sigh. Maps is perfect! Except for the part where Eric's painting looks nothing like Tiamat. But I'll just blame Karl Kerschl for not getting that detail correct! Maps would never get a Tiamat fact wrong!

Even before the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon made the Dungeons and Dragons version of Tiamat a household name, I bet every Dungeons and Dragons Campaign in the late seventies and early eighties culminated in a battle against Tiamat (if not Orcus or Demogorgon or Juiblex).

Eric leaves a scattering of script pages to Macbeth in his wake as he flees from the attention of the cute girls. So Olive and Maps decide to stake out the drama nerds. They discover Eric designs the props and trap him in the backroom so they can get some answers out of him. Eric panics and tells them everywhere on campus that he's seen the symbol. One of them is in the girls' dorm, so Maps and Olive prepare to explore it by getting their fifty feet of rope, their ten foot pole, their iron spikes, and their iron rations together for the journey.

Also torches! They probably need torches! Fuck, I always forget the torches and then the Dungeon Master is all, "You can't see anything." And then I'm all, "But I'm an elf! I have infravision!" And then he scoffs and says, "That hardly works here in the cold depths of a forgotten barrow!" And then we spend another hour role playing going back into town to buy torches and a tinder box because fuck you, Dungeon Master, you won't laugh at me again when I can't light the torches!

While packing, Maps and Olive have a run in with the Ghost of Millie Jane! Oh my crap!

It's just a puppet operated by Heathcliff.

Olive catches Heathcliff on the roof and agrees not to tell Pomeline if he'll just knock it off. He was doing it to make Pomeline happy about summoning the ghost and not just being mean by trying to fool her. But now Olive and Heathcliff have a shared secret which will bring them closer! Pomeline isn't going to like this much.

Pomeline especially isn't going to like these mild flirtations!

Is giving the Guy Who Reads the name of "Grey" a good choice in the current Fifty Shades of Grey pop culture climate? Maybe Cloonan and Fletcher want us to make that association. They must, right? Who wouldn't? And is the name of the book "Fifty" or "50"? Do I really care? No, I don't really care.

On her way back to her dorm room, Olive stumbles upon the symbol and presses it, opening up a secret passage. Which she ventures into without her provisions or Maps! That's a bad idea! Maps is never going to forgive her for this insolence! Maps is the dungeon delving expert!

Sure, Olive breaks the window and leaves Maps to clean up while she goes gallivanting inside the walls. Typical!

While Olive waits for Maps to join her inside the walls, she runs into the monster that grabbed her leg last issue. He's a big blue version of Killer Croc! Unless he's just Karl Kerschl's version of Killer Croc bathed in blue light. Whoever he is, he has a picture of Olive and her mother taped to the wall by his makeshift bed. Olive realizes he's an escapee from Arkham and empathizes with him. She says she won't tell anybody that he's living in the walls but she also wants to know what he knows about her mother. Hopefully she'll get some answers out of him before Maps arrives and tries to kill him for two hundred experience points.

Gotham Academy #4 Rating: +1 Ranking because Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps Maps! I really like Maps!