Sinestro #10

Is this DC Comics' final "Fuck you!" to the Comics Code Authority? Some guy pissing all over himself right on the cover of the book?

I've said it before but I think it bears repeating in this age of Outraged Twitter Pile-ons: businesses really need to invest in a Department of Cynicism. Just set aside an office for a couple of smart-ass men and women to glance at every product before you ship it out of the door. If it's a Play-doh molder that looks like a penis or a picture of Sinestro that looks like he's pissing all over himself as he hangs upside down, you'll catch it before you let it out into the world creating a firestorm of faux outrage. Seriously, though, we all know the outrage is mostly faux simply because people have too much time on their hands with too little meaning in their lives. I guess getting pissed off at toys that look like cocks and taking it to your local television news station makes people feel like crusaders for justice. But for every person that was upset by the Play-doh cum machine, I guarantee you there were at least two dozen parents who laughed about it and then still gave it to their kid to play with because who the fuck cares? Kids are innocent little turds! They just want to squeeze Play-doh out of a tube. They aren't going to fellate the fucking thing once the parents leave the room.

Anyway, a Department of Cynicism would be the easiest thing in the world and probably save companies a ton of money. Just stock an office with video games, salty snacks, kittens, and soda pop to keep your cynics happy. Then run your ideas past them a few times a day and they'll let you know if you've accidentally developed a fruit snack that looks like an anal sphincter. You should probably also allow them unchecked internet access to keep their cynicism honed to a razor's edge.

Last issue, Sinestro was captured by the Apex League, a group of vigilantes who were looking for a weapon to use against The Paling. I guess Warworld seemed like a pretty good weapon. Also, Sinestro must not have taken a leak for quite some time before he was captured. You know, you'd never see Hal Jordan pissing himself. Although his willpower might be buttressed by his fear of people knowing a grown man pissed himself while Sinestro knows no fear and thus doesn't mind people knowing that he pissed in his own face.

I'm going to write a lot about pissing in faces this commentary.

The issue also contains more vomit kink than I expected.

Sinestro is beaten by the Apex League and Mongul because his ring loses all of its juice. This time Sinestro's ring was drained by some weapon of Mongul's. And while that kind of thing seems to happen a lot to ringbearers, I have another question! When did the rings begin reporting how little charge they had left? Didn't the fucking things used to last twenty-four hours no matter what? Now it's as if they run on a limited supply of fuel. I suppose readers were tired of Green Lanterns going in to battle only to realize when all hell was breaking loose that they hadn't recharged their rings. Then every reader was all, "What the fuck? You can't take a few extra seconds to recharge the goddamned thing before heading out? You have one job and you keep forgetting to do that one job, you idiot Hal!" I suppose building tension is more believable when the ring runs out due to being overused rather than the wearer having forgotten to charge it.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they always used to run out due to excessive use. Unless Green Lantern was a guest in a comic book I read, or a member of a larger team, I didn't really follow him much. Although I did follow Guy Gardner because he was super cool with a slick outfit and a fashionable haircut. I like the way he was constantly mean to everybody. Take that, you self-righteous a-holes!

Later Sinestro is going to wish he'd pissed himself here while he was still upright.

Meanwhile back on New Korugar correctly located this issue in Sector 3567, the Sinestro Corps receive the "distress signal" that Sinestro sent out. The signal split into two beams so the other one is probably off bugging Hal Jordan, Sinestro's best friend and greatest enemy. In the message, Sinestro pleads for help because he's a useless failure that was easily captured by Mongul and he really needs to pee. He might not have said it in those exact words but the Corps could tell that's what he meant by his stance, less rigid than usual, and his pee pee dance body language.

Mongul discovered Relic's ring-draining technology just floating around in space after the Green Lanterns defeated him because apparently none of the Green Lanterns feel like cleaning up after a fight is their job. Besides, space is so vast, why should they worry about the worst technology in the universe falling into the hands of their enemies? Just let it float around in space! No big deal! Well, it was a very big deal! Now Sinestro and his Corps are about to die and Mongul is going to steal Parallax out of Sinestro's urine! Good going, Green Lanterns. Can we add this to your already too long list of fuck-ups?

This is Venomous Shade of the Apex League. He's going to be switching sides soon.

The Sinestro Corps arrive but Sinestro doesn't care because he has no confidence in them. If he was defeated by Mongul, it's obvious that they'll be defeated too. But Sinestro doesn't really care about that either way. He just hopes that his other summons is answered because it will prove that Bekka loves him too. And she answers the summons wearing the yellow ring he gave her. Sinestro has a girlfriend!

Sinestro #10 Rating: No change. From now on instead of trying to say something critical and review-like after giving the rating, I'm just going to give the comic book a Ratings Metaphor. Sinestro #10 is the first time I'm doing this so this is to acclimate you to the new experience. Let me do this whole ratings paragraph over with how it will look in future comic book reviews:

Sinestro #10 Rating: No change. It was as exciting as the cover to an advertisement for Microprose games from 1997!

Sinestro #9

I thought Mongul was still hiding from Brainiac in the Phantom Zone?

Lately every time I sit down to read another comic, I become overwhelmed by sadness and loss. I've been doing this commentary thing for a little over three years and during that time, I had a constant companion somewhere near me. On my desk. In my comic book boxes behind my head. On his comic book box perch beside me. Beside me in the lawn chair when writing out back in the summer. In my lap.

Judas, my best friend for fifteen years.

And lately it's just hit me how lonely it feels getting on the laptop to write another commentary without him nearby. Especially when it's a comic book that I don't really care about. I used to spend as much time petting Judas and talking to him as I did reading and writing. He was as good a distraction from tediousness as he was a deadly hunter of sticky hands and wacky wallwalkers. I just wanted to acknowledge my pain and sadness before trying to be funny. You know, grease the humor wheels!

Now that Sinestro can get back to his own storyline and he doesn't have to deal with Hal Jordan's next vehicle to show the universe that he means something, he's going to once again have to deal with The Paling. He'd thought he'd taken care of them before getting caught up in his best friend and most hated enemy's problems. But they're back! And they don't give a shit! Because giving a shit is the problem, you see? If you can just wipe emotion out of your life, you'll be free! Free to not care that you're being enslaved and manipulated by some pale, apathetic assholes. Free to not give a shit when they decimate your world and fuck your boyfriend. Free from worry! Free from strife! Free from choice! Free from joyfully cackling over ubiquitous videos of kittens misjudging jumps and falling on their faces. You're even free from feeling gratitude to The Paling for freeing you from the roller coaster of having emotions.

Besides Sinestro and his Corps, it looks like another group have a grudge against The Paling as well.

With laughter! Man the joke books! Memorize the Robin Williams' albums! And arm yourselves with sadness! Remember your dead friends! And arm yourselves with anger! Realize that Buck Buck and Old Weird Harold and Fat Albert and Noah and drifting backwards into the bay in a Volkswagen are tainted memories! Also arm yourselves with whatever other emotions exist. Willpower, I think?

Currently the Yellow Lanterns are in a fictional place (more fictional than the usual fictional places they hang out in) called "Sector 3601." Is that outside of the regular DC Universe? Cullen Bunn is the guy that doesn't know the difference between a galaxy and a universe, so he probably didn't do his due diligence on understanding the way the DC Universe is divided up into 3600 sectors. I'm sure he's going to use Sector 3601 as a sector outside of the Green Lantern Corps' jurisdiction. And it's possible that my understanding of the sectors is completely wrong and totally made up in my mind. But since the number is 3600, it seems to relate to the number of degrees in a circle. So I always pictured all the sectors extending outward from Oa in pyramid-like shapes, growing larger as they grew further from Oa. And every galaxy within that sector as it expanded to the edges of the known universe were patrolled by two Lanterns. Did I just make that up in my own logical and smarter than everybody else's head?

Sinestro ignores his underlings because he's in loOoOoOoOoOve with Bekka of New Genesis! Somebody get this pushover a Violet Ring already! Pee-yuke!

Arkillo is a little miffed about the situation since it was Bekka that cut off his fingers. Now he has to wear his yellow ring on fake yellow fingers of light. Why doesn't he just wear it on his other hand? Does he masturbate with the other hand and he doesn't like how the ring catches on his pubic hair? Actually, I don't think Arkillo has pubic hair since he seems to be evolved from some kind of walrus. I think those are mostly hairless! I should probably look that up instead of passing it on as an incorrect fact much the way Ann Nocenti would do.

Looking it up on the internet, source of all correct information, I found a picture of walruses from a distance with the caption that reads: The hair on a walrus is hard to see. Yeah, especially from twenty feet away! Thanks a lot, Internet. Anyway, they kind of have hair but it's not long enough to get caught in a ring while masturbating.

Black Mercys! Who could be behind this?! Seriously, I don't think Jim Starlin is writing this so who is it?

Sinestro sends Dez, Arkillo, and Soranik home so that he and Lyssa can face Mongul on their own. For some reason. Maybe Sinestro will Narration Box why he doesn't want his army with him when he faces Mongul. Knowing Sinestro's complex character traits and myriad motivations, I'm sure the reason he wants to face Mongul alone will be unguessable. Or it's his pride.

Sinestro does indeed find Mongul waiting for him. Mongul and Warworld. That's funny because I thought they were in the Phantom Zone. But what do I know, right? I'm just a slacker with an internet tested IQ of 28 who has read just about every DC Comic book since The New 52 began. That doesn't mean I remember any of it!

I suppose, if I don't want to be a pesky dickface, I can assume that when the Phantom Zone Projector exploded at the end of the Doomed story arc, that it freed Mongul and Warworld and shot them into the fictional Sector 3601. I suppose, if I want to be gracious and kind, I can believe that. Fuck gracious and kind. Somebody screwed up!

I don't know why Mongul called Sinestro out to fight in Sector 3601 after school but here we are! Sinestro mentions that Mongul's skin is too tough for his light to penetrate, so he sends his yellow construct up through Mongul's dickhole. No, seriously. He asks Mongul where Mongul thinks he was able to breach Mongul's defenses: "Your pores? Beneath a fingernail? Through a hair follicle?"

That smile definitely says "dickhole."

I guess sometime in pre-Flashpoint, Sinestro kicked Mongul's ass and this plan is just Mongul's way of getting revenge. Mongul mentions something called the Mongul Corps, so this must have happened in the Geoff Johns Rainbow Years where Geoff Johns just thought he was the smartest fucker in the room. Probably thought he had an IQ of like 32 or something. Braggart.

Sinestro hates Mongul because he sees himself in Mongul and he hates himself. So why does he hate Jordan? Because he sees somebody totally different from himself and he hates everybody totally different from himself? Does Sinestro not like anything?

Just as Sinestro is about to unleash his killing blow on Mongul, he's blasted out of his uniform by some glowing fucker. This guy claims to be a member of the Apex League and they need Sinestro's help to defeat The Paling! Probably.

My guesses as to the identities of the Apex League from left to right: Ennui, Star Cluster Face, Naked Robot, Flaming Duck Feet, Curmudgeon, and The Grump.

Sinestro #9 Rating: No change. I don't know. At least the artist knew which one of Arkillo's hands was maimed. I guess that shows somebody put some effort into this comic book. And how about that last page reveal of the evil villain group?! I've never seen that done before! Now I'm excited for next month's issue to find out who they are! Too bad by next month, I'll have completely forgotten how this issue ended and I'll open up the issue and think, "Who the fuck are these guys?"