Superman #37

The Fourth Dimension looks awful.

While Superman is busy visiting the Fourth Dimension, I'm going to read a bit of Richard F. Burton's translation of The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night. I'm sure Superman has no need of my fucked up, arrogant, self-righteous point of view. Those are some of his best qualities.

It's probably been well over a year since I set this book down, and many years since I first started it. It's been about two decades since I received it as a gift from my girlfriend at the time! It's inscribed by her "Of my soul" and dated August 13th, 1995. I guess I wasn't as "of her soul" as I seemed to be twenty years ago.

I'm currently on page 678 which is only the 86th night! Holy fuck! Scheherazade had better start shortening up her fucking tales or this book is going to go on forever! The current story being told is "King Omar bin al-Nu'uman and his Sons Sharrkan and Zau al-Makan" and it's been going on for fucking ever. Or seemingly forever! Scheherazade actually began telling the story on the 45th night. I'll tell you this though: I don't know how she's survived telling this story for forty nights because it's really not that exciting. Sure, there have been some stories within the stories that featured magic fish and djinn and garden sex parties. But in-between the good stuff, it's been fucking Bored-to-Tearsville. That's why I set it down for so long! If I were the prince, Scheherazade would have died on the 87th morning. Unless the main reason the king is keeping her around is because of the sex.

It's difficult to get through this book because I have to keep taking masturbation breaks. It's hard not to with lusty, provocative passages like this:

One of the damsels pleased him: so he went unto her and knew her that night, and she conceived by him forthright.

Whew! I apologize for such graphic imagery but this is a nearly historical document so censoring the language would be bordering on criminal. Anyway, this should be about Superman and not about a bunch of ancient Muslim sex romps, so let's see how the Kryptonian is getting on in the next dimension.

I bet from the other side of this contraption, you can only see Superman's bare ass.

Superman should have known better than to help another seemingly good guy. Didn't he learn his lesson helping Wonderstar who turned out to be Magog? Didn't he learn anything from Batman whose number one rule is to "Trust no one"? I think that was Batman. Anyway, it might as well have been Batman. And remember how Martian Manhunter betrayed the entire Justice League? Yeah, I don't really remember that either since the story was never told. Or maybe it was told but then Martian Manhunter erased everybody's memory of it before he joined Stormwatch.

It's funny, isn't it? How super heroes will readily trust somebody that turns out to be a villain yet they never trust the actual heroes and wind up beating the shit out of each other only to realize they're both on the same side. I think superheroes should begin doubting their instincts and just doing the opposite of whatever they think they should do.

Klerik comes by to punch Ulysses in the jaw because Ulysses is a horrible son.

Oh my God! Did I say son?! Yes, you did say son, me! What a surprise twist revelation! Klerik and Ulysses were working together to fool the people of Earth into believing the lie of a beautiful world! Now they're all choosing to become sex slaves! And Superman can merely watch from his Anus Presenting Machine!

And then the ship travels to the Fourth Dimension for the big surprise reveal that everybody guessed! Even I guessed it when I wasn't pretending the humans were going to be sex slaves and/or pets!

The Great World uses the same kind of fuel as Willy Wonka's chocolate factory!

Superman points out to Ulysses that this whole scheme is reminiscent of a certain fascist German dictator. And Ulysses is all, "But if we don't use six million Earthlings for fuel, the people of the Great World will die! So if you stop me, then you're the genocider!" And Superman is all, "Unh-unh! No way!" And Ulysses is all, "Ha! Got you in a logic trap!" And Superman is all, "There's always a way!" And Ulysses is all, "Nuh-uh!" And Superman is all, "We'll take everybody back to Earth!" And Ulysses is all, "Ew! Gross! Earth sucks!"

If you hadn't noticed by now, I was not on the high school debate team.

Oh, so it's okay to kill six million people you don't know but not two that you do know?

One of my favorite moments on this previous season of Finding Your Roots was when Henry Louis Gates asked David Sedaris, "Can you imagine actually killing another human being?" And David Sedaris says, "Not a stranger."

I have a solution to the Great World's problem! Can Mob Rule create six million duplicates?!

Ulysses frees Superman and they begin the rescue operation. Ulysses teleports all of the Earthlings back to Earth. Later, they'll figure out how to get the Great Worlders to agree to being refugees on Earth until another planet can be found for them. But in the middle of the rescue operation, Klerik attempts to murder his adopted son! And then the ship crashes into the planet's surface and sets off a chain reaction that will end the Great World! Superman grabs Ulysses and they fly off world before the explosion can consume them as well.

Oh well. You can stop trying to contact Mob Rule. It looks like the problem was solved. Not an ideal solution but at least Earth won't have to prepare beds for millions of alien house guests.

So now millions of people died but Superman can rest easy knowing that he saved the millions of faceless nobodies that mattered! Aliens schmaliens! Who cares?

Oh yeah. I guess Ulysses cares.

Superman #37 Rating: No change. What an ethical dilemma this issue presented, right? Superman basically had to choose which millions of people had to die. He made the right choice, of course. Humans always come first. I mean, the victims of a genocidal plot by alien genociders always come first! After they're saved, then you can think about saving the horrible people that have been murdering citizens of other dimensions simply to keep their lives going. The whole philosophical argument about who to save kind of breaks down when one group of people are murdering the other group of people to remain alive. You can't trade a life for a life! I mean, you can. Like, if an ant were to trade his life to save my life, I'd surely be appreciative of that. And even if I forced the ant to trade his life to save my life, that ant's got to be pretty proud of himself for having saved one of God's children, right? That's like instant Sainthood! Can ants be Saints? I bet probably. And anyway, millions of people kill millions of ants every day for no reason, right? So if an ant's life could be put to good use (like saving me!), it would have to give up its life or else be derided for making a terrible philosophical choice. You can even replace "ant" with any lower form of life like a cow or a kitten or a snake or one of the dumber dolphins or maybe even a medical transcriptionist. I'm pretty sure I'm way more important than any of those things!

Star Spangled War Stories #5

In this issue, Torpedo Tits gets lucky! Or, um, unlucky. One of those.

For a war comic book, this comic book sure is short on war. At least the other DC war comic books took place during wars. Or had Nazi War Wheels. Or had Kung Fu tanks, even if they were driven by ghosts. Or had a guy with "soldier" in his name, even if nobody knew his real name. This one has a zombie which, I think, makes it a horror comic book! And now judging by this cover, it's a romantic horror comic! Just sticking "G.I." in front of the word "zombie" does not make it a war comic book!

Why does DC even continue to publish "war comics"? Forget that they have to keep the trademark on the names of all of their crazy war series like Star Spangled War Stories or G.I. Combat or Men of War or whatever the other one was. Was there another one? I don't fucking remember. Anyway, modern war isn't the best mode for telling character driven stories. Now maybe if they did a story about drones, they'd have some characters that were in on all the action. It could be like one of those Pixar movies where they somehow think making the characters into vehicles makes it more interesting. Although does it? Really? Why the fuck would I want to see a bunch of cars going about their daily lives? Maybe if they did it in a more realistic and gruesome way. Like present humans entering them as some kind of bodily invasion. Or the fact that they have no agency and must go wherever and do whatever the human parasite (or rapist, if you really want to watch an appalling movie) forces them to do. Then they sit for hours on end with other enslaved cars in the blistering sun of the uncovered employee parking lot, moaning and complaining and planning for the day when some crazy magical meteorite explodes into the atmosphere and brings them all to life so they can go on a killing rampage. I think Maximum Overdrive is the logical final reel of Pixar's Cars.

When we last left the world of Star Spangled Wars, a small town in Tennessee was ground zero for a zombie outbreak. The military had been called in to stop it from spreading.

The horrors of war!

One of the soldiers asks if they even knew the rabbit was infected. The officer tells him, "At this point, we don't care. We have to establish the perimeter and work back toward the town." Excuse me. I think knowing whether or not the rabbit was infected is quite important to establishing your perimeter! If it was infected, then perhaps your perimeter isn't perimetery enough! This is the way the world ends! Letting morons run the show!

But now the world might be in for an even bigger disaster because G.I. Zombie is beginning to turn into a zombie! I think that's terrifying somehow.

Oh no! My mistake. GI Zombie was just starving to death. I guess when he gets too hungry, he just eats anybody close to him. Luckily he works for the government and they can send him meals from Death Row Delivery Services. Once he's had his fill of convicted felon and government secrecy, GI Zombie is ready and willing to shut down the rebel bikers that everybody keeps mistaking for hillbillies.

Meanwhile, Tiffany convinces the leader of the anti-government hillbillies that she's ready to play along and be part of their team. That alone should be a red flag for a cult leader. Who willingly joins a cult without out at least a little brainwashing and a sad, lonely life before being asked to join? She wants to be a part of their crazy plan to free people so that they can run their own lives? That's fucking silly! Who has the ability to manage their own fucking lives?! Who would want to? Not only is it hard and time consuming, it always ends in death! Sure, sometimes the death doesn't take place for fifty or sixty years. And sometimes the dead leaves behind a happy family and a genuinely uplifting legacy. But they're still dead! And it all started because of that singular drive to leave home and direct their own life! Can't we just be happy allowing other people to make our decisions for us? Although I suppose that still ends in death too. And before that death, you have to live in one room under your parents' roof as they constantly look at you with eyes full of disappointment and hatred? Their faces full of sorrow and regret for that one decision they made to bring your sad, sorry life into the world. And just imagine how musty your fucking bedroom smells! A fifty year old living in what was once a kid's room? Ugh! Gross! Pick up your fucking socks, you miserable bastard!

GI Zombie heads out to find Carmen or Tiffany or whatever the fuck her name was and winds up being updated by an old friend of his named Eliot.

Who doesn't miss their twenties?! That reminds me! I need to get back to watching Friends!

GI Zombie's mission is to infiltrate the Hillbilly Spa and Survivalist Bunker, find out what Tiffany knows, and then, um, get a facial, I guess. I think this comic should be called Star Spangled Spy Stories.

While GI Zombie is studying the papers with his new identity, a conflict between two men and a woman somehow winds up in his motel room. He takes the side of the woman which is the wrong side because she's the assassin out to kill the other two men for leaving the Hillbilly Suvivalists (actually, they're bikers!). After GI Zombie stops and disarms the men, the woman gets the gun back and kills everybody. Including GI Zombie. Except, you know, he can't die. So he pretends to be dead and gets a free lift back to the Hillbilly Spa and Survivalist Bunker.

Star Spangled War Stories #5 Rating: No change. Is this comic book any good? I'm not sure I can judge it since I don't find it very interesting. Based on my opinion that it's boring, I'm not really giving it a proper, unbiased critical review. It sort of feels like it could be a John Grisham thriller but replace the low level file clerk protagonist with an undying military soldier, and the evil, corrupt law firm with a rich survivalist group. Then it's practically The Firm all over again! Or one of his other books that might as well have been called The Firm as well. Okay, okay. That's not really fair! It's not like I ever read anything else he ever wrote! I have no idea what his other books are like! Didn't he also do The Pelican Brief? That one is different than The Firm, right? It has Julia Roberts as the main character instead of Tom Cruise.

Tacoman #37

I'm just going to call Aquaman "Tacoman" from now on.

Darwyn Cooke understands Tacoman! His adventures are so boring that the best image he could come up with is Tacoman making out with Mera! Mera is the best part of Tacoman's adventures anyway. She really should have her name on the title of this comic book. No wonder she's so envious of The Others! They're worse than Tacoman and yet they still get billing right alongside him! But does Mera get any recognition in this comic book? Even when she's the main reason most people are buying it? Of course not! Totally sexist! And probably racist too since she's a Xenubisomethingorotherian. You know! One of those Water Weirds! A Spongie! Ocean trash!

I am so sick of censorship. Especially self-censorship because everybody is afraid to be the next pig at the bottom of the pile. I can't believe the way we're not teaching the youth about censorship because we're all being so fucking inclusive that we now have a long list of words nobody can even say in a college fucking debate without some poor offended soul deciding they should now shout down the speaker and get the whole fucking program shut down. Because fuck logical debate when you can just scream until everybody is tired of listening to you scream and they all decide to go home. What we need is not a world where adults talk to each other as if toddlers were in the room and they don't want to say a word the kid might repeat out in public but a world where people have a much thicker skin than they currently seem to have.

What's generally happened is that we've taken an act such as...oh, let's say...rape and decided that if you point out how our culture justifies rape then you can now begin to act as if not just rape is wrong but anything you can link to possibly being a contributing factor of rape is wrong. It's ultimately about censorship, power, and control. If you feel powerless in the face of the Patriarchy, you come up with a way to subvert things in a manner that gives you some kind of power and control. It's nothing new. The same thing has been done over and over again, by the powerful and the powerless, and always to the detriment of society. Labeling somebody as a "sexist" or a "phobic" or a "misogynist" is modern day witchhunting. It's labeling somebody a communist, or a pacifist in the face of patriotic war, to shut them up and marginalize them. Pointing out that something is problematic or perpetuates rape culture is arguing that comic books cause kids to become degenerate monsters, or video games are behind school shootings.

Part of what happens is that the battle cannot be fought after the crime has occurred. We do not want to live in a society where you only punish people after they've committed rape. You must fight to stop rape from happening at all. And everybody except rapists and frat bros agree that rape is wrong. So there's no fight to be had there. That's why some freedom fighters move the battle line. Now they begin to fight all the assholes who blame the victims. It's an obvious, and a good place, to move the battle. You battle against the tired "he said/she said" mentality and fight for people to instead develop a "this woman was violated by a criminal" way of thinking. Many people continue to fight this fight as the cutting edge guerrilla fighters begin to point out how language needs to change, and basic ideas of gender need to be revamped, and the way we, as a society, treat the genders differently from before birth, beginning the cycle which has led to where we find ourselves today.

Am I arguing against any of those battles? Fuck no. Those battles are about trying to change people's views through intellectual debate. Even telling people that they cannot say certain things because they believe it perpetuates rape culture is something people are free to argue. I believe they're wrong but since when has being wrong ever been a reason not to speak your mind? It's only shutting down people's ability to speak freely that hurts all causes. When you have determined that something cannot be challenged, or that something cannot be ridiculed, or that something cannot be railed against in even the most sexist and misogynistic terms because it contributes to rape culture and is therefore as bad as rape and should be outlawed, you've moved far past anything I believe.

Here's the stupid thing: My vision of a perfect civilization and society is probably very near to even the most vocal social justice advocates. Our only real difference (though it's a big one) is about how we eventually get there, and who we fight against. I would rather pick targets with care and snipe the enemy while others seem to want to fire off shotguns and mortars every time their hackles are raised. I am not against any of them, any of you. I am not against making the world a better place. But I don't believe tearing down everybody and everything that offends you makes the world a better place. One of those reasons I think that is because just stating what I've stated here could easily make me a target, and the enemy. That's fucking dangerous because no matter what I look like, or what words I say, or what tasteless jokes I might find funny, as unbelievable and ridiculous as it might sound, we almost certainly believe, fundamentally, most of the same shit. If we were to compare our beliefs by our actions and the ways we live, and not by the words we say, or the theories we debate, I would be willing to bet they would contain negligible differences.

But I will not self-censor for fear of becoming another compatriot shot in the back and left to bleed out on the side of the road because I wouldn't march step to another person's inflexible beliefs.

It's also easy to not self-censor when nobody reads what you have to say and you're really not fucking important! Another thing about what I just wrote: I didn't have to say any of it! I would say 99% of the time (okay, maybe 10% of the time. But 99% of the time when I'm not being facetious), my words reflect my truest beliefs as a Situational Individualist. That is to say, I believe in the individual's right to live the life they want to live, unhampered by law or society or outside pressures. And I believe in a philosophy of examining each situation in and of itself, rather than being mired in rigid, foundational beliefs that take precedence over extenuating circumstances and individual personalities. In other words, I believe in your right to believe whatever the fuck you want to believe. And I expect you to allow me the right to think your beliefs are complete and utter horsedick.

So, where was Tacoman when we last left him?!

Holy fucking God! Will somebody stop listening to Dr. Evan and his "theories"?!

Dr. Evans continues to think that science is jumping to conclusions based on no evidence at all! His main form of experimentation so far since he's become a member of this comic book? Sticking objects in holes based on the size and shapes of the objects and the holes. This fucker could be replaced by any number of toddlers I've met in my life! Except Frankie. Oh shit that kid was dumb. Kid, I was not teleporting toys across the room from behind my back! I was throwing them over your head when I brought my hands back around to the front of my body! And I never fucking had your nose, you panicky little shit! It was pretend!

Oh look! This looks like a job for Dr. Evans! Or, you know, a two year old!

One of my secret joys of doing this blog are due to moments like this. If I were just reading this comic book, I never would have stopped to think about how Dr. Evans has, up until this point, basically just recognized shapes. But when taking the time to comment on the first page, I was able to mention Dr. Evans' special ability, turn the page, and be greeted by one of those moments I was just talking about. It truly makes me feel like a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, no matter what the critics and my mother say.

Tacoman checks out the symbol on the marker signifying the destination to the portal and asks Dr. Evans what he makes of it. For once, he's stumped! "I've never encountered that shape before! It's not a circle, or a square, or even a triangle! Could it be one of the fabled shapes of legend? Perhaps a rhombus?!"

Tacoman puts his thingy in the hole. Mera doesn't even make a joke about it! That truly shows her royal blood. If she were not a Xebusisomethingorotherian princess, she could not have resisted making a doing it joke.

After Tacoman and Mera disappear into the portal, Dr. Evans finds a smashed marker and ponders the symbol on it. It's the maelstrom but he's an idiot just like Tacoman and they don't seem to have ever heard of the word before. It's obviously "male storm" written by a dyslexic. That sounds like a crossword puzzle clue for "testosterone."

Tacoman and Mera step out of the other side of the portal into Gorilla City. Are the Gorillas of Gorilla City one of the lost tribes of Atlantis?!

Not eating! Tacoman will not stand for eating!

Solovar explains that the portal was used in ancient days before Atlantis sank. The Gorillas and the Atlanteans held a softball tournament every year until the island of Atlantis sunk into the waves. The Gorillas always assumed it was a ruse to get out of the tournament which the Atlanteans lost every year. But then fifteen years ago, the portal became active once more! But the only Gorilla who saw who came through was Grodd. And he's a fucking dick. But he's a telepathic dick, so maybe he and Tacoman can have a mindfight for the truth.

Ooh! Or maybe they can just fuckfight for it!

Grodd remains imprisoned in Gorilla City because he is the waste receptacle for all of the Gorillas' hatred and fear. This helps all of the other Gorillas to be peaceful and calm, allowing them to let go of fear and anger and direct their energy to more uplifting pursuits. That sounds like a good idea! Hey everybody! You should give me all of your fear and anger. Then you can all pursue lofty goals and high ideals while I stew in venom and bitterness and fear! But that can only make my blog more entertaining, right?!

You all know the downside of Grodd soaking up all of that hate and fear and anger, right? He's going to escape one day and then look out Barry Allen!

That's why Tacoman and Solovar are such good friends! Solovar likes denying people food too!

Grodd challenges Tacoman to a duel. If Tacoman wins, Grodd tells him what he wants to know. If Tacoman loses, I guess Grodd eats his brains and learns how to speak with fish. Now that's a prize worth dying for! Fish know all of the best secrets and sex jokes.

Is that kind of racist? Telling the King of Fishes "Don't take the bait"?

The first that occurs to Grodd (as it occurred to me!) is that if he eats Tacoman's brain, he'll be able to learn all the nasty fish sex jokes! It's been too many issues since Tacoman kept something from eating something it really wanted to eat, so it's nice to see he's finally going to deny another hungry person the meal they're looking forward to. Err, hungry "gorilla".

He's had a change of heart! Tacoman is now feeding opponents!

Why do people call it a "knuckle sandwich"? It would make sense if you first put your fist between two slices of bread. But other than the fist nearly going into somebody's mouth the way a sandwich would not do (it would actually go in the mouth!), I don't see the similarity.

Grodd gets his ass kicked because he neglected to have his name on the cover of the comic book in which he picked the fight. He tells Tacoman how Tacoman's mother came through the portal and stole the Maelstrom Marker from the Gorilla City portal. He also mentions that Katangala, the original name of Gorilla City (or still current non-Western, and thus non-racist, name), was once the home of one of the seven tribes of Atlantis. But the Gorillas, fed on intelligence raising seaweed, pulled a Planet of the Apes on the Katangalans and took over. At least that means one less threat to Tacoman's kingdom.

After Grodd keeps his promise, he steal's Tacoman's trident and somehow uses Dr. Evans' knowledge of shapes (even though he's never once eaten Dr. Evans' brains!) and opens the portal. As he heads through, Tacoman jumps on his back and travels with him. It looks like they're heading to the Labyrinth of Monsters next month!

Tacoman #37 Rating: +2 Ranking. This issue was worth every penny because it had monkeys in it. Also, the history of Gorilla City was interesting and unexpected. Something about the art. Something more about the writing. Summation of review. End with Stan Lee quote.

Harley Quinn #13

Harl E. Quiyote!

Boo! Hiss! Life!

Now that that's out of the way, comic books!

Remember how I ended my commentary on issue #12 by saying be here next issue when The Clock King gets his clock cleaned or The Sportsmaster courts disaster? That was pretty clever! I mean, the clock cleaned line is a gimme. But that "courts disaster" thing is the pizza of the resistance! If a publisher that wanted to purchase some books and they happened to read that line, they would have thought, "I should throw money at this person prompto!" So if any publishers missed it last time, there it was again! So clever! What a way with words that guy (me!) has!

Anyway, this issue begins with the Clock Queen about to get his clock kinged and the Courtsmaster sporting disaster! Gosh! So, so clever!

Shouldn't Sportsmaster be sticking to sports-related weapons? This seems like a cheat.

According to the rules and stipulations of comic book naming etiquette, Sportsmaster really should not be using a nuclear missile. Maybe if he placed a bomb in a badminton birdie or a jart or something, I'd totally be for it! I'd be all, "Oh yeah! Spike that birdie right into Power Girl's bosoms!" Or "Toss that jart way up into the air where it will most likely kill somebody exactly like it must have been designed to do because...hoo boy! Have you ever played that game? And lived to tell the tale somehow?!"

Can you believe kids today (and probably yesterday too!) have to wear helmets whenever they do anything that could possibly result in falling down. Even just standing up now, I think, like if you're in school or somewhere because who wants to get sued by a bunch of asshole parents who think their precious snowflake actually has something in its head that needs protection? But when I was growing up, parents actually purchased Jarts for us to play with. And not with adult supervision! Oh no. They shoved the box into our arms and said, "Get the hell out of my face! I don't want to see you back in this house before dinner is on the table!" And by "on the table," I mean in a McDonald's bag getting cold. Then we would go out to the school field across the street (or fifteen blocks away. Whatever! It was all the same, really!) and proceed to play with the Jarts in any way we could think of except the way the rules said we should play with them.

You know what one of my favorite games was as a wee lad? Kicking beer bottles at other beer bottles in the Redwood lined edges of the junior high school near my house. The mini-woods were full of bags of empty beer bottles left there by drunken teenagers. I probably caused dozens of severe lacerations over the years by littering the undergrowth with busted beer bottles. Not that they were really beer bottles! I mean, they were! But my cousin Jason and I pretended they were ships trying to sink each other by ramming into the other ship's broadside. That game was fun. But Jarts was probably more fun! Although throwing shurikens at each other as we stood against the garage door was fun too! Although nothing beat riding Big Wheels down the steep sides of Steven's Creek!

Helmets! Ha!

I wonder if not being able to remember names or come up with the exact words I'm looking for has anything to do with not having worn a helmet ever? Probably not!

The Clock King can time travel!? At least that's expected form a guy with that name! Take some notes, Sportsmaster!

So now a thermonuclear device has gone off in New York City! J. Jonah Jameson is going to be pissed if Peter Parker didn't snap a picture of it! I hope Superman doesn't find out that Power Girl was at Ground Zero or he might have to come lecture her about not taking the proper steps to stop the blast. He'll be all, "You sure remind me a lot of my irresponsible cousin! Did I mention she's a girl which is why I think she's so irresponsible? Hey, do you want to have sex with me? And if your answer is yes, which I think it might be or why would you be showing me so much bosom, right?, then could you wear this Batman mask?"

Thanks to Clock King's time travel tricks, he and Sportsmaster escape! Which leaves Power Girl and Harley Quinn plenty of free time to go back to their old life (which wasn't really Power Girl's old life but shh! Don't tell her because if we all stay really, really quiet and let Harley and Tony trick her, we might get to read about Power Girl and Harley Quinn having sexual relationships!).

Who ordered the Sex Omelet?! Hmm, probably everybody! Why would there even be anything else on the menu?

While Power Girl puts on her show which involves lots and lots of Spider Monkeys (which also reminds me I'm falling behind on my Friends watching!), Harley Quinn catches a news report on television that Clockmaster and Sports King are looting a sports store in Times Square.

Somehow Harley winds up in Central Park flirting with a mugger. She's all, "Look at my boobs!" And he's all, "Um, what?" And she's all, "Look at my butt!" And he's all, "Um, hokay!" And then he's defeated! After that little trip down tits and ass lane, Power Tits and Ass arrives hauling Sportsmaster and Clock King behind her! But they're not through putting up a fight yet! Sportsmaster still has some cheating tricks up his sleeve!

Although maybe that wrist blaster thing is regulation in Jai Alai?

After the case is wrapped up and Clock King wonders what happened to make him go from super serious character in Green Arrow to big joke in Harley Quinn, Power Girl asks Harley Quinn to fill in the gaps in her memory. Uh oh! That means Harley Quinn is going to have to make up a whole bunch of hysterical lies!

While Harley makes up her lies, a bird poops on Power Girl and she gets her memory back. Is anybody else beginning to think Amanda and Jimmy have some kind of Scheisse fetish? Is anybody else beginning to feel nauseated thinking about their honeymoon?!

But in the end, everything ends! And Chad Hardin says something nasty in French! About your mom!

Harley Quinn #13 Rating: +2 Ranking. Plus one for how much fun I've had adventuring with Harley and Power Girl. And plus one for the art because I really do adore Chad Hardin's style. I said as much when he first began working on Demon Knights! I hope Harley has lots and lots of guest stars! And I hope she even gets to do it to some of them!

Oh Christ, I think I'm going to hurl!

The Spooky Files #2

The Spooky Files! Starring Moldy and Skulker!

I'm already feeling spooky just from this cover! Unless Jim Corrigan is palming the nun's pudenda. No wait. That's even spookier. I wish I could read this book with the lights off so I could get really scared but I don't want to go blind! Did you know you could go blind from reading in low levels of light? That's what my grandmother said and why would she lie to me? She loved me!

Did you know that Friday the 13th The Final Chapter (that's Part IV!) takes place the day after the third chapter which takes place the day after the second chapter which takes place five years after the first one? Which means that only the first and fourth parts, so far, take place in the year they were filmed. The other two take place in the future! And apparently only one, maybe two of them take place on Friday the 13th! I guess Jason Voorhees is one of those people that celebrate their birthday all week long.

Also, I knew that Corey Feldman was in The Final Chapter but I was surprised to see Crispin Hellion Glover in it! I'd completely forgotten about that. I like him a lot! He's a certified genius (certified by me and my money which I paid to go see him two nights in a row a few years ago and which also bought me three of his books). I bet you didn't know he has books! He has books! They're not what you'd expect though because you're boring and you expect boring things that bore me. Not you! I'm talking to that one person that I can't stand that's still fucking following me! You know you hate me and everything I say, so why are you still reading?!

Last issue, Internal Affairs of the Gotham Police Department were investigating The Spooky Files because they don't believe in general spookiness. They figured it had to be some kind of scam, running a department that was chasing ghosts and werewolves. But Sergeant Rook (unless he was a Lieutenant) learned at the end of the issue that spookiness is all around us! Especially when you wander out of a swamp and into a haunted schoolroom with possessed kids and demonic teachers! School was spooky enough with just cheerleaders and football players. I might have lost my mind completely if it was full of ghosts too!

You can tell this classroom is haunted because of the spooky lighting!

Rook begins evacuating the screaming children while Jim Corrigan prepares to fight the demon nun. Rook is new to the job so why does Corrigan give him the difficult task?!

Oh! Remember the spooky girls who only spoke in tongues? They start flipping the fuck out when Sister Justine, The Spooky Files' Resident Holy Person, enters the house to stick a tongue depressor on their souls. That sends her into a flashback or a reverie or a daydream about her past.

Her previous church was fucked up. I mean it was spooky! This comic book isn't rated mature enough to be called The Fucked Up Files.

Back in Slaughter Swamp, Rook has rescued all of the children except the monkey in the dunce cap. He should probably leave the monkey alone! I bet it's going to be trouble. At the very least, he might get splashed by demon brains when Jim Corrigan blows the creature's head off. Better to stay out in the swamp with the kids mumbling in tongues.

Jim Corrigan keeps resisting The Spectre's advances which means nobody's going to buy this comic book! They want to see great big green glow in the dark vengeance! They don't want to see Jim Corrigan playing MP3s of school bells which cause the Demon Teacher Nun to explode!

Actually, that was kind of cool. Not very spooky though. I would have been more scared if he did some kind of exorcism ritual with lots of Latin and lit candles and splashing holy water and...no, come to think of it, that shit is over! We've seen the crap out of that crap. One of the reasons Constantine's television show has been so boring is because he just recites Latin whenever he needs to beat back the forces of darkness. He should be using ghost busting phone apps!

Oh Rook! Stop being so Dana! "Oh, oh! There's a logical explanation! Silly to think aliens! Probably more like, um, bears!"

Now that all the missing children have been accounted for, Corrigan and his team need to figure out what's going on. Why are the kids still speaking a language that nobody can identify? What kind of possession is taking over religious figures? Why is Gotham constantly generating more and more spooky content?

Next issue, the investigation gets serious! Seriously spooky!

Gotham By Midnight #2 Rating: No change. I love the look of this comic book. I enjoy the dialogue. And I'm loving the setting of a small department barely getting by in the bureaucracy of the Gotham Police Department. It really is a mix of The Wire and The X-Files. And just like those shows, I think it's going to take a few more issues before things really get rolling and nobody will be able to put this thing down. At least those are my hopes and aspirations for this title. I hope it hasn't been cancelled already!

Deathstroke #3

So much blood! This issue must be super exciting!

When this series began, Deathstroke's kill count was at 600, give or take a few. Last issue, Deathstroke killed 300 men in one battle. So he's at least up to 900 kills. I'll give him another 30 for issue one even though that's a complete guess. Does that sound about right? So let's keep a Deathstroke kill count going!

Current Deathstroke Killcount: 930

This issue begins with Slade wandering through the snow with no grey hair and two eyes. It's hardly even the same character! Especially the way he stumbles and falls over from exhaustion. Slade can't be defeated by snow! What the hell is wrong with this comic book? I bet Tony S. Daniel is just preparing for a double splash page! Because you know how artists make the big money, right? By selling their original art of double splash pages! Fuck how well it fits into the story, man. Tony S. Daniel has bills to pay!

He could have at least fallen down so I could read the credits.

As he lies unconscious in the snow, he remembers his conversation with Joey when he found him in a force field being manipulated by Odysseus. I get why Joey calls his father Slade but I don't know why Deathstroke keeps thinking of Joey as Jericho. Or boy! Disrespectful!

Slade mentions Rose and I pretend not to flip the fuck out over the convoluted past history of Deathstroke and how in all of the different versions of Slade's New 52 life, only the Team 7 version treated Slade's family as if all three children knew each other. So I guess we're going with that version even though it made no sense at the time as Rose and Joey and Grant all reminisced about eating sandwiches together. Or something.

Hell, I don't think this even squares up with Deathstroke's Villains Month issue and that was just over a year ago.

Slade doesn't remember if he eventually freed Joey...er, I mean, Jericho or not. So Slade picks himself up out of the snow after the nice rest and remembrance to continue heading toward his super duper secret safehouse! It must still be full of weapons and Hot Pockets because even Slade Wilson himself almost died trying to find it! No way Odysseus got to this one!

But maybe Opossum did because he was way more powerful than Deathstroke.

No wait! Tony S Daniel decided Slade needed to have more memories after one more page of walking! He remembers saving his naked son and fighting through more of those Eye People.

Current Deathstroke Killcount: 934

I had to add them to the killcount because he only just remembered them.

While escaping, Joey is forced to use his powers against the scientists trying to restrain him.

Gross! He's naked!

Deathstroke teaches Joey Jericho an important lesson that all fathers should teach their children: "Sometimes we have to do bad things for good reason." Yes, yes! Exactly! Also, I sometimes do good things for bad reasons. Both are generally viable solutions to life's problems.

Joey Jericho and Slade discover Odysseus who is also naked. A lot of naked shit goes down in Deathstroke's memories! Odysseus claims that the three of them together make the most powerful power ever. But before they get the power flowing, does Slade have to get naked as well?

Apparently Odysseus is Deathstroke's father. I guess he died and was reborn with Joey Jericho's help since the last time we saw Slade's dad which was in a hospital bed in Gary, Indiana in Deathstroke #8. Slade hates his father because his father once sold him to pay off a ten thousand dollar debt. There were other reasons he hated him too but that one kind of stands out. Deathstroke has a short conversation with his father before getting in the final word.

Current Deathstroke Killcount: 935

This family really has some serious trust issues.

That's the end of Slade's memory. He makes it to his safehouse and thinks about how he hasn't seen his father since he was twelve. Lies! I read Deathstroke #8 and Slade most certainly saw his father! It's the entire reason Slade Wilson does what he does! To prove his father wrong! It's a stupid reason but it was right there in Deathstroke #8! DC Comics, you suck at reboots. I mean, you're pretty good at rebooting over and over again. But how could you fuck up Deathstroke and his history so badly in the space of three years? Fucking imbeciles. And did you even ask Tony S. Daniel to familiarize himself with the past Deathstroke book? I assume you didn't since why should a writer base anything he's writing on what has actually happened to the character. It's not like the main reason people love comic books is the long history of the characters! Oh wait, you already killed that long history when you began The New 52 anyway. So I guess dumping Deathstroke's history three or four more times since then shouldn't be such a big deal.

But has Tony S. Daniel ever read any story with Deathstroke?! I don't think he knows that Jericho's actual name is Joseph!

The only reason Slade wandered so far out in the snow is to get a hidden satellite phone. But somebody beat him to it! The guy who he trusted completely right up until Red Fury said, "Are you sure you can trust him completely?" And then Slade was all, "You're right! Ew! I hate that guy!" That guy is Bronze Tiger! And they wind up fighting! At least Bronze Tiger doesn't have the head of a tiger like in Red Hood and the Outlaws. That's greeeeeaaaaat!

What does that mean? "Too good for your own sake"? Does it mean he's going to beat himself?! That's pretty good!

Red Fury shows up to put an end to the fight...for now! I don't know where he came from but a VTOL follows after him, so they all load up and head to some cozy chalet to make plans against Odysseus. Who I guess isn't dead even though Slade shot him in the eye. Unless that wasn't Odysseus. It also might not have been his father. Also, Joey Jericho may have been Odysseus.

What makes Red Fury think Jericho is the only one that can kill Odysseus? Doesn't anybody want to see the scientific reasons for this theory? Or are they just going to try again and hope this assumption holds true? I remember earlier this issue when Deathstroke said he doesn't hope!

Red Fury has learned that Joey Jericho is headed to Gotham City. So now it's time for Slade to go battle The Batman! Again! Remember the time they fought early on in The New 52? Of course you don't! Let me remind you: it was a dark and stormy night. Two-Face had just declared that he was One-Face. Some hot piece of ass calling herself The White Rabbit was thonging it up all over Gotham. Batman was flying his Batplane over Gotham Bay when Deathstroke, completely fucked up on Venom for no reason at all, drops out of the sky and onto the Batplane! Holy shitballs, Batman! What a crazy day! They fought then they fell out of the sky then Deathstroke quietly disappeared from Batman's life. Although on revisiting the story, I think maybe The White Rabbit teleported Deathstroke onto the Batplane with her finger guns. That still doesn't explain what Deathstroke was doing there and on Venom.

Anyway, I think Batman is probably too busy to deal with Deathstroke. So somebody else is waiting for him in Gotham.

Oh look! It's a fifteen year old dressed as Harley Quinn. How adorable!

Deathstroke #3 Rating: No change. There are so many things I don't like about this comic book but I can't really fault it too much on starting Deathstroke's history over. I can fault Daniel for the lousy plot but it's really not much worse than most average comic book plots. Maybe it's better but I can't see that it's better because of all that messed up stuff about not having seen his dad even though he did see his dad recently. And why doesn't Slade call his son Joey? Even when he thinks about him, he thinks of him as Jericho. And I hate that they youthed Slade up! Well, at least Daniel's art is nice to look at. It pains me to say that because I tend to concentrate on his flaws and weak points. I suppose if you're new to Deathstroke in The New 52, and you're one of those people that always thought when reading Deathstroke, "This would be more enjoyable if he weren't an old fucking man!", then you'll probably enjoy this comic book a lot. People die and shit, so that's cool, right?

The Flash #37

Ha ha! The Flash is slower than the Mach 52!

The murders at the offices of Charlie Hebdo hit Tumblr right in the awkward spot. "People were murdered and that's wrong because violence is bad. But they were people saying things that I think they shouldn't be saying, so while I'm against the murder I'm also against the victims. But victim blaming is wrong even if I think the victims were Islamophobic which shouldn't be a thing ever and should probably be outlawed somehow. I mean, censorship is horrendous but hate speech is even more horrendous and we all know hate speech when we read it (I think?) so it should be censored! But the people still shouldn't have been murdered no matter how vile their publication was. Although somebody should have shut them up because look what happened because of them! Except victim blaming is wrong so is there some way I can view the gun wielding killers as the victims because this whole situation is hurting my head?"

Censorship, whether a person does it through violence, law, or ruining a person's career via a Twitter mob, is about controlling other people's voices because you can't stand to hear what's being said. Somehow, in the minds of the censors, that means that other people shouldn't be allowed to hear those things either. Inflicting their limits and boundaries on other people is not making the world a better nor a safer place. It's just making them look like stodgy assholes.

Although perhaps it's a little bit more insidious than that which is where the ambiguity of feelings on this specific incident occur. When you silence voices, you get extremist behavior from those who feel they have no voice. What is left but violence? This especially goes for laws limiting freedom of religion and other things which oppress a group's identity because the government fears their autonomy. Social groups can easily (and often do) form a kind of "cultural law" as well, so oppression isn't limited to governments. We've seen (and still see!) that time and time again in America alone with our abominable history with race relations. It is this censorship of ideas which governments, and their citizens, fear that usually ends in violence. Remember that whenever you yourself choose the side of censorship. Free speech is the safety valve that reduces the pressure of the system.

In the Charlie Hebdo case, people are equating one periodical's freedom of speech with oppression. This is a dangerous way of looking at the situation and skirts the line, if not in fact going straight over the line, of justification for the murders. Offending is not oppressing. Although they do share that whole double letters thing so I might have to rethink my position on this.

One booth I manage to purchase something from at every single comic related con I attend is the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund. I think when I saw Neil Gaiman do a talk at the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco, it was for the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund. Being against censorship (in all of its myriad forms) is kind of a thing with me. I have no idea why that is!

Hey, did you know The Flash runs super fast!? Crazy, right? Let's see what kind of funny, hilarious, get-our-mind-off-of-real-world-issues adventures he's up to this month!

This is crazy! Dinosaurs and people and gorillas living together?!

Everybody in the Speed Force fell through a rip in time at some point in their lives. Now they all live in one eternally long moment! Just like Arif's kingdom of Now in Justice League Dark! Except the citizens of the Speed Force aren't pretending something stupid like one eternally long moment is happening. They're just in a place where time doesn't matter. Everything acts like time matters since they walk from point A to point B, and people talk which is a good clue that time is happening since talking occurs across time! But people here don't get pregnant. Or at least one hasn't been able to get pregnant. I bet if a woman came over to the Speed Force with an egg released all up in her abdomen (or whatever the technical term for the lady parts might be (the abdowomen?)), it could be fertilized! But since nobody ages, the fertilized egg will probably remain dormant until the woman leaves the Speed Force.

Why the fuck am I so concerned with the way time acts in the Speed Force?! I don't care about that level of detail in comic books anymore! I'm just reading them to forget! I bet if I were drinking I could forget even faster!

Never mind what I'm trying to forget! I'm forgetting it so you should too!

Somebody or thing is spotted about to attack Crazytown with Dinosaurs, so the place readies for defense. But then the scene shifts to Central City, so we won't get the exciting conclusion to the battle until I'm bored to death of Wally West being a marginally bad kid.

But first Iris follows up on the lead given to her by Future-Flash! And that lead leads her to refrigerated shipping containers full of dead bodies from when the Crime Syndicate attacked! Also the gorillas. Lots and lots of gorillas attacked. So some of the bodies are probably partially eaten.

It's a great story because it doesn't really change anything but it incites rage and disgust in the citizens of Central City! And that sells papers, by golly! Instead of rebuilding the infrastructure and getting the city safe and maintaining law and order and doing whatever people do to keep civilization from crumbling, the mayor should have been identifying the bodies of all the people killed during Forever Evil!

I mean, seriously. What, he couldn't get a few temps on the job? I'm not sure it deserves the kind of outrage it's engendered but seriously. Like three or four people hauled in from the temp agency couldn't go through the victim's pockets or match photos of people still missing?

Anyway, now Iris West is practically the Lois Lane of Central City! No, no. She's probably more the Vicki Vale of Central City.

Back at the precinct, Future-Barry takes on all the "cold" cases (ha ha!) to make Director Singh's life easier. No wait. He actually takes on the cases so he can spend time with Iris West without Patty having a reason to be angry about it because it's work related. Plus he can avoid spending time on the current murder case that's fallen into his lap. It's one he doesn't want to solve because he killed the kid. So while it would be easy to solve, it would mean he wouldn't get to spend much time with Iris.

That made Patty cry?! She'd run out of tears if she were dating me! Um, because I'm very adamant about my opinions on when justice has been served.

Back in the Speed Force, Crazytown with Dinosaurs is attacked by people riding cybernetic animals (some of them dinosaurs!). Why are they attacking? Which side is the correct side to be on? Barry can't simply fight with the people that found him first, can he? He's too nice a guy for that! He's going to have to stop somebody and get some answers before protecting this crazy place.

It turns out the invaders are paleo-indians. So that's why they're so savage! Totally makes sense that isn't historically inaccurate whitewashed history! Barry doesn't really give a shit one way or the other though. He just wants to get home and ignore whatever turf skirmishes make life hell for these people. And to do that, he needs to find the place where the lightning comes from! Hairy Potter points up to the peak of a mountain. "There," he says, "lies the Chamber of Buttstuff."

Meanwhile in Central City, some Luddite in a top hat that gives carriage rides around Central City kills a guy for talking on his cellphone. His horse, Alistair, doesn't give a shit.

The Flash #37 Rating: No change. I don't really care what happens to Barry Allen in the Speed Force with all the dinosaurs. I think if he were killed, I wouldn't mind. Mostly because that world is a Brett Booth wonderland of boring. But Future-Flash is going to get things done! He'll probably kill a few more bad guys and have sex with lots and lots of chicks and corrupt Wally West (but in a way that he doesn't think is corruption at all!). I just have one question: why does Brett Booth love giving people super duper extra long legs?