Gotham By Midnight #1

How many secret cocks can you count on the cover of Gotham By Midnight? I count two on my copy!

Just a second. Let me put my dick back in my pants before I begin.

So, for as long as I can remember, I've done this thing where I look at a piece of text and cancel out repeating letters until I'm left with only the letters with no pairs. In elementary school when the teacher would hand out dittos, I would do one of two things. I would either draw a little stick man on the top sentence and draw a path of his decent through the sentences, dropping between words, bouncing off of "o"s, being impaled on "t"s, and sliding through small "l"s to gain another life. If I didn't do that (or sometimes after I'd marked my stickperson's descent), I'd begin crossing out letter pairs until all the repeated letters on the page were crossed out. Then I'd list the leftover letters to the side and see if they could be rearranged to spell something. I mention all of this because Gotham By Midnight becomes "Day Nob" I'm sure it means something!

That explanation would have been more exciting if the secret message in the title would have been better than "Day Nob." Or "No Day B." Or "Bandoy." Or "Yo Band." Or "Boy Nad." Or "An Body." Or one of any other of the 720 possible combinations. Unless I did my math wrong and maybe I already listed all of the possibilities.

This issue begins with the statement that Gotham City can't possibly survive without protection. Isn't that putting the donkey in front of the carrot? Don't villages and cities and towns come together because people are more protected in groups than alone? So the city itself is just the symptom of people needing and feeling protected. Once the city, or gathering of people, becomes too large, the people all become strangers to each other with no connection which begins to erode the feeling of safety. The amount of protection afforded by the city passes its peak and becomes more and more dangerous as the people begin to see their fellow residents as the threat they had once felt protected from by their peers. The other people, rather than the unknown and the wilds of nature, suddenly become the thing to fear. At that point, does the city really need protecting? Why must a city that has lost its value to the community need protection? Maybe it needs to be fixed, or changed, or restructured. But does a city that kills off its populace by the dozens every night need protection?

Oh wait! I bet "Gotham City" is an inherent metaphor for "the people of Gotham City!" Stupid me! I probably got confused because DC Comics (and especially the Batman within DC Comics) constantly treats Gotham City as just another character in its universe while it treats the people of Gotham City as faceless victims to be slaughtered by the whims of the current plot. I always get the feeling that Gotham City itself is somehow more important than the people that live in Gotham, even though, as I just realized, they are one and the same.

It's The X-Files meets The Wire!

If this is The X-Files meets The Wire, does that mean Jim Corrigan is going to be the Omar Little of this comic book?

Corrigan is called Detective Corrigan by Lieutenant Weaver, so I guess he's part of the the Gotham City Police Department. Which means he's not equivalent to Omar. Maybe I should stop thinking about this comic book as The Wire or as The X-Files because I can probably only be disappointed if I'm expecting it to measure up to those shows!

The bald guy, Sergeant Rook, explains that his visit is a formality and he'll be shutting down Precinct Thirteen in two days, no matter how many g-g-g-g-g-ghosts he sees.

It looks like McNulty has his next X-file!

It turns out comic books without super heroes in them are better than comic books with super heroes in them! It seems that when a character doesn't have a cool super power to show off, they resort to talking to other characters! They open up with them and discuss who they are and trade stories about growing up and bond and all that human shit humans do! Which, in turn, makes me interested in the characters! So by page seven of this comic book, I'm already more invested in the characters than after eight issues of World's End and the seemingly infinite amount of issues of Aquaman and the Others!

This is embarrassing to admit for a guy who reads all of DC's New 52 books and hardly any Marvel Comics, but when I was a kid, I wanted to be Spider-Man.

Corrigan and his partner, Detective Lisa Drake, take Sergeant Rook with them as they investigate their new case. It's a case which the Gotham Police closed, coming to the conclusion that it was just two young girls who returned home after running away. But Jim Corrigan knows something supernatural is going on and he wants Rook to see it with his own eyes so he doesn't dry up the funding on The Spooky Files.

The young girls have only spoken in tongues since they came home. That alone won't prove anything to Sergeant Rook! My sister and her friend Colleen used to talk in tongues all the time, saying things like "Gidigo fidiguck yidigoursidigelf" to me and then laughing uproariously! The joke is on them though! Because I still don't know what they were saying! Ha ha! My feelings weren't hurt at all!

Rook and Corrigan head off to Slaughter Swamp to question some flowers about missing children. Hopefully the flowers know what's going on! I bet just before the flowers begin talking and telling Corrigan what's going on, Rook will have fallen behind and gotten lost in the swamp. He'll step out of the bushes just as the flowers finish speaking and say, "See, Mulder! Nothing out of the ordinary going on around here!" And then he'll probably pray to Jesus.

"A burrito sure would hit the spot right about now"?

Jim Corrigan had better stumble upon some for real life Goddamned g-g-g-g-ghosts already or Sergeant Rook is going to shut down The Spooky Files in the first issue! What Jim does stumble upon is an old abandoned church falling apart in the middle of Slaughter Swamp. This looks like a job for The Spectre! Or a representative from OSHA.

While Corrigan and Rook enter the church, the little girls back home begin flipping the fuck out. They might be reacting to Jim setting foot inside their school or they're reacting to the nun, Sister Justine, that came to visit them. Because nobody likes a fucking nun coming into their home and telling them that they're possessed by the devil because they masturbate constantly. Or, um, you know, for other reasons. Like speaking in tongues!

Instead of getting lost or refusing to look directly at the UFO or missing the weirdness because he's too busy trying to come up with a rational explanation for the alien/demon/monster standing directly in front of him, Sergeant Rook gets an eyeful of a Spooky File!

This isn't so spooky! It's just a private Catholic school in a swamp with midnight classes! Although the dunce monkey in the corner is kind of weird. Should you really punish a monkey for being a bit out of control in a classroom setting and for being not quite as smart as the human kids?

The Spooky Files #1 Rating: DC Comics is really hitting some home runs with their new fall comic books! The only one that probably sucks is Deathstroke but that hardly matters since a lot of people will buy that comic book simply because Deathstork Deathstroke is the title character. And the art on Gotham Academy, Gotham By Midnight, and Arkham Manor are all non-industry standard. Thank god who dwells in my belly and is currently dining on masticated doughnut!

World's End #8

I don't recognize any of Constantine's new friends.

I haven't even begun reading this issue and I'm already bored! We already know how this ends! Earth-2 and Earth-0 are eventually going to merge and lots of people will die but none of them matter because they're just Twofers. And who cares about Twofers? Pretty much nobody because they have nothing to do with current continuity and current continuity is king! Let's kill some of these motherfuckers and have a grand old time!

It's okay to hope for comic book characters to die, right? Because they're not real. And most of us can tell fictional characters apart from real people, right?

"Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles. He saved hundreds of thousands of lives. Are you going to convict Jack Bauer? Say that criminal law is against him? 'You have the right to a jury trial?' Is any jury going to convict Jack Bauer? I don't think so." -- Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia

Um. Uh. Whut? Jesus Christ. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! When did the television show "24" become evidence in Supreme Court cases?! Are you fucking kidding me, Scalia? You're an idiot. You may be the biggest idiot. How are you in a position to interpret the law according to the constitution when you're using fictional fucking characters and made up scenarios to back up your arguments?! If Jack Bauer can be used as evidence that torture is worthwhile, then I'm going to believe Scalia's use of Jack Bauer to back up his arguments in the highest court of the land is evidence that nobody in America takes their job seriously. Why don't we all just say fuck it and go home forever? What are we all even doing here when the laws of the land are in the hands of this idiot?

Now I'm really fucking pissed. Bend over, Wilson, because I need to take my anger out on somebody and if I said "Bend over, Marguerite," it might look bad.

With Apokolips now Earth's new moon, The World Army decides it's time to evacuate Earth instead of fight. And since humans can't easily evacuate Earth, they begin hiding inside of it. I've seen enough horror movies to know that hiding in the closet is the same as just slitting your own throat. At least put up a fight! Don't ever roll over and accept death, you dummies!

Maybe they're just buying time until The Misters have a chance to destroy Apokolps.

Every fucking page is a new plot! I'm getting dizzy! Can't you assholes stick to one story for even two pages?! I can't even get a rhythm going so that I can scan a picture! Each bit of story is over before it even barely begun and nothing really interesting is happening. I mean, besides Barbara Grayson being crushed by a meteor. But that's not even important to this book since the editor's note says to read Earth 2 #29 to find out what happens to her. So I have to buy another comic book to find out she was smashed into jelly?

Wait! Here's something worth scanning! Constantine's friends from the cover.

Get it? His name is Carnival but spelled with 'evil' and 'karn.' Wait. I don't get it.

Karnevil was just added so whoever wrote this bit could shoot a racist in the face. So with Karnevil dead and the others realizing that Constantine will resort to a gun every now and then, Constantine heads over to Constantine #19 to travel alone for awhile looking for his way back home. Which has nothing to do with this story. I guess that journey will result in Constantine finding himself here. But even if it does, why steer readers of World's End #8 to Constantine #19? Oh yeah. Profits. Sorry, DC! I won't question your idiotic editor notes anymore.

By the way, I guess Famine died when Doctor Fate's Helmet fucked Jimmy Olsen's Mother Box. I didn't realize that had happened because the World Army Doctor with the iPad for a face didn't explain it very well. Famine's friends are still well and good though.

Solomon Grumpy! He's dead! For reals this time!

The Misters land their spaceship on Apokolips. That's all that happens. Two pages to show they've landed on Apokolips and have a brief discussion about how Apokolips is unstoppable. Then they exit the ship to go plant some piddly little nuclear bombs to blow it up.

Under Geneva, Replacement Batman and his team find Superman's shirt and lose Helena's heartbeat. Then everybody gets sad and decides to take it out on Desaad when they find him. But first they'll have to get through Evil Huntress!

And then The Streak Starring Jay Garrick finds his mother in a refugee camp and has one of the most horrible reunions in comic book history.

Just fucking kiss already.

World's End #8 Rating: There is way too much going on in this comic book. I can't find the time to care about any of these story lines when they flash past me one page at a time. I can't even be bothered to stoke the fires of my passions to hate this comic book. It's just a weekly drain on my wallet that I'm not even enjoying reading. At least that's good news for Dan Jurgens! It's possible I hate reading this comic more than I hate reading Aquaman and the Others!

Batman Eternal #34

How Shakespearean!

See how I mentioned Shakespeare? That shows that I'm intellectual because I know the name of a guy who wrote stuff that people still like to tell other people they've read even if they've only seen the Mel Gibson version of the movie of the play. Or at least read the synopsis on IMDB.

I think it's time I just start shallowly referencing things instead of giving my opinions on things because I'm all out of opinions! I think I was supposed to kick ass somewhere in that last sentence as well! That's a reference to people on the internet that like to reference They Live!

This issue begins with that confrontation between Hush and Julia which ended last issue. While Julia blows a hole through Hush's shoulder with a grappling hook gun, Hush still manages to shoot her in the kidney, lock her in the cache, and blow it up. I'm not an expert on the biology of comic book characters, but shouldn't a grappling hook blown straight through somebody's shoulder hurt a little bit? Maybe Hush walked away from the scene and then collapsed against a wall screaming, "HOLY FUCKING JESUS FUCKERS!" And then maybe his arm fell off too. And he bled out. And Batman Eternal was over!

Batman rescues Julia who used her S.A.S. training to burrow like a mole down into the sewer tunnels before the explosion went off. Maybe she'll take on the name Batmole.

By the way, what's been happening with Jim Gordon? Did he get a lethal injection while the comic book was following a different plot thread?

Jesus, Bruce. Put it back in your pants. It's not like you just got invited to prom.

Bruce meets up with Hush and Hush mentions that this is the finale! I don't think Hush has much control over his narrative because in no way is this comic book anywhere near over. Spoiler still has to wind up in Catwoman's clutches. Batman needs to have trained two new sidekicks. Selina should have an underground replica of an ancient Egyptian city. Batman needs to be tied to the Batsignal while Gotham burns. There's still an awful lot left that needs to happen, Hush! I think you just blew your load early.

Oh! Maybe this is prom! Let's dance!

At this point, do Batman's batarangs ever need to return to him? I can't remember the last time he's needed them to do anything except fly straight into the bad guy.

Batman beats the crap out of Hush in just a few pages. I'm sure that, Hush being a super villain and all that, getting his ass kicked was just part of his plan! He was probably just distracting Batman while other aspects of his grand scheme fell into place. But before we find out what those aspects were, one more shot from prom.

Nearly an exact transcript from my after prom activities!

While Batman was fighting Hush, Lucius Fox held a press conference to declare that Wayne Enterprises has been taken over by the federal government. Oh no! Is Batman going to have to prove that he can still be Batman without all the money to back him up?! I suppose the worst problem facing Batman right now is that he'll have to lay off Alfred. But more important than Batman losing his corporation is the poorly designed invitation he finds in Hush's coat pocket. It's the same one Jason Bard and others were sent two weeks before James Gordon was framed for crashing a couple of subways together. Which means it's time to celebrate! I knew stupid, boring Hush couldn't be the person behind it all! Bring on the more interesting villains!

Batman Eternal #34 Rating: What does Batman do with Hush now that he's beaten him? The Gotham Police have just been releasing criminals he's been bringing in. Jason Bard is corrupt (although maybe getting less corrupt after Hush killed a bunch of cops). Arkham Asylum has been destroyed. Killing is probably still off the table. So what happens to Hush? I suppose Batman could just lock him in a closet somewhere. Or induce a coma and stick him in the hospital named after his mother. Or maybe he can rent out a space in the Phantom Zone from Superman.

Futures End #30

Shark! I mean, Despero! I mean, OMAC!

I sometimes wonder, "How come more people aren't reading this blog?" And then I look at how many people are actually reading this blog and I think, "Why the fuck are so many people reading this blog?" Then I get self-conscious and begin thinking about some kind of profound bullshit about which I can wax philosophic that allows me to throw in as many references to the crazy sex I have had throughout my life. I mean, crazy sex. Tons and tons of it. With attractive people even! Most of them human females! But then I think about how often I read the most trite, boring, obvious posts about life that have hundreds of thousands of notes and I think, "So! That's what people find entertaining: loads and loads of crap!" Which brings me back to my first thought: "How come more people aren't reading this blog?"

The main issue with the branding of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea (other than the name and the way I arrogantly refer to myself as a 'Grandmaster Comic Book Reader') is that it isn't focused enough. I should probably come up with a better theme than "Scott Lobdell and Ann Nocenti are the worst writers to ever find a job in writing." It's hard to make a living sucking up to people that love to hate other people! I constantly feel like the painting of Jesus hanging over my marital bed is judging me. "Kindness is the key," he seems to whisper as I shove my dick into another sock. "Kindness is overrated!" I grunt back as I flail like a sea lion in the tide of my sheets.

That image of me masturbating is free to use in any of your most low rent, desperate fantasies! Enjoy!

I don't actually have a painting of Jesus over my bed (also my bed is not marital). But my grandparents did! Is that creepy and kind of gross? What were they thinking?!

Lois Lane can't tell that Clark Kent is just Superman with glasses but she looks at Red Tornado and instantly realizes the robot is a version of herself? From where I'm sitting (in Portland in a chair reading this comic book, if you must know), I don't see any resemblance between them at all! Red Tornado might as well be wearing glasses.

Lois Lane did have a vision earlier in this series where she realized a robot that looked like this had been created from her doppelganger, so I actually do understand why she recognizes herself. But understanding the comics as I'm reading them isn't entertaining for anybody! My entire commentary would be, "I am comprehending this story as well as could be expected of somebody that took speech therapy classes through first and second grade and, during that time, thought of his speech therapy teacher (an elderly man) as his best friend."

Green Arrow and his army consisting of Big Barda, Katana, and a bunch of other people that don't need to be mentioned because I already mentioned the two people that will be doing most of the actual fighting storm Cadmus Island only to have their plans wrecked by Hawkcop in about three seconds.

Let me guess: Keith Giffen wrote the dialogue for this page?

The OMACs storm the beach along with a bunch of possessed Twofers. Green Arrow's Plan A was to sneak onto the island and shoot one EMP arrow at Cadmus which would have shut down Brother Eye. When that single arrow that was the entirety of Green Arrow's plan is destroyed by Hawkcop, it's time to move on to Plan B!

I knew it! I knew that was the entire plan all along! That EMP arrow was just a bullshit ploy to make it seem like an archer might possibly be useful! But Ollie knew all along the only person worth a damn in this Arrow Army was Big Barda! And maybe Katana.

Oliver, Red Arrow, and Barda head into the jungle to find a Brother Eye terminal for Barda to punch while the other Outsiders remain on the beach to battle the OMACs which merge into one gigantic OMAC. I don't know if that makes them any more dangerous than they already are as dozens of individual units but I guess it's impressive? Or at least very comic booky?

On their way to disable Brother Eye (or at least break one of his monitors (or unplug a few of his servers (or confront him and then sit and cry and curse the cloud))), Oliver and the others run into Slade Wilson. Usually that would mean they're screwed but then Slade Wilson runs into Mister Miracle and Fury. Pay close attention to the "Fury" part of that sentence.

Finally! Somebody died! Now don't let up, Futures End! Let the bloodbath begin!

Which part of Slade's body houses his healing factor? I bet it's in his spine! And if enough of his spine has been left dangling out of the back of his skull, maybe both halves of Slade Wilson will regenerate!

Ollie? I thought Red Arrow was Connor Hawke? Um, anyway, take care to not get stepped on by the gigantic OMAC on your way to the boats!

I know Green Arrow referred to Red Arrow as his doppelganger earlier in this series but my memory is trying to tell me that Red Arrow was Connor Hawke over in Earth-2. But my memory is a notorious liar.

It turns out Power Girl is guarding Brother Eye. Okay then. Plan B through the rest of the alphabet can probably just go straight in the trash. Unless one of those plans was "Run like fuck." That would be a good plan to use now. Although Green Arrow has one more plan in his quiver: Plan I Always Keep This One Arrow On Hand Just For The Yucks.

Has a computer system ever been designed that actually had a big red off button?

The big red button shuts down everybody on the island except Power Girl because Brother Eye decided she had the best framework for housing his system.

While Big Barda beats the crap out of Power Girl, everybody else escapes the island on their Zodiac. Except Red Tornado. And the OMACs. And a bunch of normal scientists and other workers. Then the island blows up.

Notice how I didn't add Brother Eye to the list of people that didn't escape? He hitches a ride back on Lois Lane's cell phone. She is more trouble than she is worth without Superman to keep an eye on her!

Futures End #30 Rating: Finally somebody died! Two people died! No, three people died! Wait! Holy shit! Four people died: Tornado Lane, Power Girl, Big Barda, and Deathstroke! Hopefully the deaths just keep coming now! Ronnie last issue and now this massacre in this issue? This is more like it!

The Multiversity: Pax Americana #1

Earth-4! Earth-4! Earth-4 is on fire! We don't need no heroes! Let that motherfucker burn!

Maybe this issue will be the one where everything is finally explained as opposed to being an entirely separate story about a different Earth where the Gentry are busy gentrifying it and putting in Artsy Toy Stores, and Artisan Pizza Places with forty-five minute waits, and movie theaters with couches that serve wine and apéritifs, and ice cream parlours with flavors like Strawberries And Bone Meal or Cookies and Cow Tongue. I'm really starting to get angry at The Gentry! I don't care if they drive out the previous residents due to increases in rent and property values! I just wish they didn't think a neighborhood needs one record store per block!

The original Earth-4 housed the Watchmen! Well, it housed the guys the Watchmen were based on. You know, the Charlton comic book characters like Blue Beetle and Captain Atom and Nightshade and The Question and probably a bunch of other ones that I never heard about. That probably means this story will be a reprint of Watchmen.

See? This is practically an exact reprinting of the blood spattered happy face button!

Hey? Remember when Chris Rock did that bit about how there would be a black president before a black vice-president? He was totally right!

It looks like the President of Pax America was Mister Eight! That symbol on that ring couldn't possibly mean anything else! Unless it's representative of a Domino Mask! That's a possibility. But there aren't any other possibilities! Also, Mister Eight is Terry Sloan who is also the original, and much whiter, Mister Terrific. Also, I really don't think that Terry Sloan will have anything to do with this comic book so I'm sorry for completely wasting your time with this paragraph which was all complete bullshit. Except for the Domino Mask part.

The president was shot in the head by (and I'm really stretching my comic book knowledge here so don't burn effigies of me if I'm wrong!) Peacemaker as he falls out of the sky. That's why the president falls over and bleeds all over the car and then the flag catches on fire which is what the image on the cover is! I guess I'm reading this comic book backwards! So now the question is, do I keep reading it backwards as I imagine it was intended to be read? Or do I say "Fuck you, Grant Morrison!" and begin reading from back to front? Knowing Grant Morrison, he's probably expecting that! Which means I'm going to keep reading it non-Manga style!

Whew! Good thing I kept reading it forwards like a good citizen in lockstep with regularity and tradition!

The new president's daughter is Nightshade, a superhero. But now, he says, it's time to end all superheroes! That's Watchmen talk!

The president and Nightshade's journey to the "exit strategy" is a cute little mini-scene where their words describe their passage across the page. It's too clever for its own good! I'm excising it from my comic book right now!

Meanwhile, Blue Beetle is chasing after The Question. Blue Beetle is all, "You're crazy like that guy from that Alan Moore book!" And The Question is all, "What? Where? Why? How? When?!" Then The Question is all, "Whoop whoop whoop whoop!" and Blue Beetle is all, "QUEEEEEEEEESTIIOOOOOON!" And then The Question runs into Nightshade.

I control the board! Me!

Just because I haven't mentioned all the similarities between the background images, the art, and the panel layouts between this and the Watchmen, don't think that I'm missing them. It's just that I covered them earlier when I said "That probably means this story will be a reprint of Watchmen." You know, before I even opened the comic book!

The Question escapes to search for clues at the crime scene of Nora O'Rourke who had cracked the code of Algorithm 8. See?! An 8! Just like on the ring! Unless the ring was representative of googly eyes. Maybe it's Algorithm Googly Eyes?

And then Captain Atom.

Aha! So I could have read the comic book backwards and it wouldn't have changed anything! Or, um, would it have? Um, what's going on here?! Why is this comic book acknowledging me?!

Whoever the Charlton version of The Comedian is (Sergeant Lane? Whoever that is?! (unless it's one of The Gentry since he mentions the scientists opening a hole to hell and he came crawling out) comes in, immediately after Captain Atom is sucked through a government sponsored black hole and out of the Earth-4 universe, to murder the scientists behind Cap's eviction.

So Nora was onto some conspiracy involving President Harley and his Algorithm 8. She thought the president was experimenting with Captain Atom for a new source of fuel but he was actually just trying to get rid of Captain Atom. Then The Comedian (or his Charlton equivalent which I still don't know. Judomaster?! Who else is there?) killed her to keep her quiet. But Peacemaker already knew too much so he took out the president. Now The Question is trying to piece it all together while The Comedian tries to beat some information out of Peacemaker to find out why he killed the president. I have a feeling Nightshade's dad, the new president, is in on the plot.

And since this is a Multiversity comic book, the plot must revolve around The Gentry taking over Earth-4. And it all has to do with that number 8! Unless it's representative of a pair of boobies! But nothing else. I can't think of anything else it could be a symbol for!

Earlier (when the president was still alive), Soon-to-be-president Harley made a deal with Captain Atom. It was a deal straight out of comic books which would change the world.

So when Peacemaker and Nora were talking about the president's plan on the night she was killed, they were talking about a plan by the president to have Peacemaker kill the president! And since Peacemaker has faith in the President's Algorithm 8 (because Harley has "been right so far" while using it), he agrees.

So now everybody is just waiting for Doctor Atom to return and resurrect the president so that thousands of years of peace can begin! So, you know, a lot like Ozymandias's plan! Which means The Question is probably going to fuck it all up, isn't he?!

One other thing Question has been wondering about: a hero named Yellowjacket.

Remember that Before Watchmen project DC did? This single issue has been so much better than that entire series.

Turns out Yellowjacket was Harley's father whom he accidentally killed one night. As he went through his father's things, he found a gun. And then his father, dressed as Yellow Jacket, came in the window because he forgot his keys. And Harley shot him. So Harley's plan to sacrifice himself was his own way of punishing himself for killing his father while also trying to bring peace to the world. His Algorithm 8 seems to be a moment when he was visited by Captain Atom who showed him a glimpse of all time. And I guess he had a good memory?

And I guess now they wait for Captain Atom to return from helping save the Multiverse. According to Algorithm 8, he should come back and resurrect the president and redeem Peacemaker and inspire everybody to live peaceful lives of peace and inspiration! Theoretically, that's a much better plan than the Watchmen plan which decided to use fear of the other to bring everybody together! And it's better than the Vice President's plan which, I suppose, was a deal he made with The Gentry to turn his world into Pax Americana where there would be peace through intimidation and threats of force.

Now if I could just figure out what that symbol on the ring meant!

Batman Loves Superman #16

Superman's dance is called 'Steering the tractor.' Batman is in awe of it.

I hope this story by Greg Pak doesn't involve Superman and Batman losing any of their memories! They hardly have any memories left after the last fifteen issues. Plus Batman died and had his organs replaced by Toymaster parts! I think. Was that something that really happened or a misremembered forgotten memory?

Greg Pak has really disappointed me since his first Batman Loves Superman story arc. His stories would be better if they were taking place on Earth-47, the Earth where stories happen that don't really make sense for the current continuity because characters would have knowledge they never had in previous appearances and/or the heroes have toys beating in their chests. Earth-47 might actually be a different Earth but it hasn't appeared in Multiversity yet, so I think it's unassigned!

This issue begins with another article by Lois Lane that's less thought out than the rambling, incoherent shit I type on a daily basis. Her great big fucking ego has decided that she gets to declare that things around the world feel good again! I suppose you can say things are definitely better than when she was putting everybody into comas and watching comatose pilots with planes full of comatose people plunge out of the sky. And since Lois Lane is the arbiter of reality, I guess it's okay for the rest of the world to let out a shaky breath they hadn't realized they'd been keeping in, mop off their brow, and smile! Lois Lane has declared things are better! Let's fucking celebrate!

Things might be good again but do you guys really think it's a good time to prank the penguins?

Maybe this is how Superman helps farm ambergris? Although it would help if he knew what a Sperm Whale looked like.

Also, I have my doubts that Steel could fly while carrying a Killer Whale. It's just so preposterous that it's making me snort in derision! Try to keep at least one little toe planted in reality, comic books!

What's actually happening is Superman, Supergirl, and Steel must have been sitting around watching Blackfish and decided to kidnap some Killer Whales to make themselves feel better. I guess they figured they could get around with pissing off Sea World since Batman wasn't around to ask, "What gives us the right?!" Or something similarly stodgy and uptight.

And then a Killer Whale explodes. Followed by Krypto, Supergirl, and Steel all being hit by high velocity something or others. Ha! Serves them right! They never should have messed with Sea World!

Some guy in a children's ward dressed as Superman gets shot in the chest and dies about the same time as the Killer Whale's head explodes. But no projectiles or bombs or shrapnel were found on the whale or the guy portraying Juggling Superman, as seen in probably a fuckton of Superman comic books from the sixties. That must mean the projectile was made of ice! That's "Get Away With Murder 101"! You should always use an ice gun with ice bullets and ice gunpowder so that only water will be found at the scene of the crime. Unless you kill the person in below freezing conditions and then the police might find the ice bullet and the ice gun and probably you with your tongue stuck to the ice gun.

Superman knows a mystery when he sees one and luckily one of his best friends solves mysteries for a living! He heads to Gotham and asks Batman to start searching for clues!

"Clues?!" says Batman as he tries to stand in a manner that hides his erection. "I was made to find clues!"

"You may not find any on this case, Batman! I have decided to dub this case 'The Case of the Mystery That Stumped Superman!' Do not feel ashamed if you find no clues on this one, old chum!" lectured Superman as he secretly giggled in his mind because he would love to see Batman fail! Except he must have giggled a little bit in his mouth too because Batman looked hurt.

"You do not think I am the World's Greatest Detective, amigo? Well I will show you! I will solve this case in a heartbeat because I know a case that should be called 'The Case of the Melt-Away Weapon' when I see one!" Superman nodded wisely. "Of course you will solve this case! Unless, I mean, you are the world's greatest detective. What if the answer to this mystery is...out of this world!?"

Batman glared at Superman until Superman felt uncomfortable which took about three and a half seconds. Then Superman muttered an apology and they set out to solve the case which was really called, unbeknownst to them, "The Case of the Soon To Be Missing Memories!"

Kid, this is serious business and not the time for scrotum jokes!

If this kid actually thought that other guy with the huge gut was Superman, then he must be hospitalized for stupidity. Or if you're a romantic and not a cynical douchebag, maybe he was hospitalized for (when you read the following italicized phrase, close your eyes, tilt your head up at about a forty-five degree angle and do a bit of a Ray Charles head bob as you accentuate each syllable) wanting to believe.

A rare modern age appearance of Juggling Superman! Except he's juggling all wrong. Unless he's doing his 'juggling like a Looney Tunes character' act.

Batman says, "Why are you wasting time with witnesses to the man's murder, Superman? We should get back to finding clues!" And Superman is all, "You are a clue!" The children all laugh at Batman and he commits each of their faces to memory in the hopes he will one day catch them acting like juvenile delinquents so that he can break some of their bones.

Before Batman and Superman leave, one of the clues says, "Superman had a bug on his shirt right next to the ketchup and the gaping hole where I could see his beating heart!" Superman and Batman gasp! A bug! They suddenly had a trail and they were hot on it! "Let us go ask the Bat-Computer about Bugs, Superman! It will be fun!"

Batman checks all the files on the Bat-Computer as Superman lists all of his enemies. But Batman shakes his head and says, "No, no! None of that makes sense! Why would your enemies try to hurt you and your friends and complete strangers that wear your Underoos? Also, we need to think about this situation involving you as if it were involving me because we aren't talking about me enough!" Then Batman thinks for a second, snaps his Bat-Fingers, and says:

So cute! Batman has a Catwoman chair! I mean, doesn't Batman have any updated pictures of The Joker? His face is kind of doing this weird barely hanging on thing these days.

Superman gasps! "Brilliant deduction, Batman! Now who could my Joker be? Mr. Mxyzptlk? The Prankster? The Toymaster? Captain Swirlie? Atomic Wedgie?" Superman thinks for a moment and says, "Is this where we forget everything we've been doing?"

"Not yet!" says Batman! "First, we must solve this case which will reveal something super exciting but maybe too exciting for us to have knowledge of when we next appear in a different comic book. I mean, on a different case! So do not forget yet, pal! We have more clues to find!"

Superman wants to know how to combat a Joker and Batman says, "You monitor everybody close to you that your nemesis might know about! And you win a few! But you can't think of everything. So you lose a few." And when Batman says "You lose a few," he thinks of four scenes: Jason Todd being killed, Babs in her wheelchair, his Bat-Family with their "faces" cut off at the Joker's dinner party, and a bunch of random people killed with Joker Toxin. Out of those four scenarios, three of them are people he should have been monitoring which would have been his wins! Batman is horrible at his own advice!

Plus, Superman's Joker seems to have hacked into the Batcave. So when Batman brings up camera shots on all of Superman's friends (plus a picture of dead Superboy because why not, right?), Superman's Joker learns everybody close to Superman! Really? So Superman's Joker went through the nearly impossible task of hacking into and taking control of Batman's computer to find out the relatively easy research work (in comparison to hacking Bruce's computer) of finding out who is close to Superman? How did Superman's Joker know that Batman would have cameras keeping an eye on everybody close to Superman?! Oh wait. Everybody knows Batman is fucking paranoid and monitors every single aspect of the lives and the lives of the friends and family of all the members of the Justice League.

Batman Loves Superman #16 Rating: I guess Greg Pak realized his stories weren't making sense so he thought, "How do I use that to my advantage?!" Then he realized that The Joker doesn't make sense! So if Superman has a Joker, none of Superman's Joker's plans would have to make any sense because he's just crazy! So he basically spent this issue telling the readers that if things don't make sense then the story is going exactly as planned!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #13

Superhero prom was a blast! Superman even lost his eye in the dance-off!

Last issue was Charles Soule's last issue which is disappointing. But this issue is by Peter J. Tomasi which should be encouraging! But then Jenstanfield basically said this issue ate curried dick. So now I'm nervous that I'm going to like this issue! Also, curried dick sounds delicious! I want to go back to Berlin so I can wander around in the dark covered in currywurst curry and acting arrogant and above the Europeans. Can you believe they think culture is more important than money? Idiots!

Also, Europeans might not think that. How should I know? I'm an American! I don't give any thought at all to what people in the other parts of the world think! I'm sure most thoughts which consume their day have to do with wishing they were born in the greatest country on Earth! I think that's Denmark. Or one of the long Fjordick countries. Those are the countries with the Fjords that look like dicks and are also Nordic. So it's quite the clever thing to call them.

This issue begins five years ago when Superman and Wonder Woman first met eyes across a crowded battlefield full of parademons. It was love at first super sight! You think I'm making that up but I'm on page one and that's what is happening! Kind of. At the very least, the issue is called "Battlefield of Love" which is probably why I came up with the eyes meeting across a battlefield. It was either that or all of the parademons they're slaughtering while feeling their first giddy rush and sexual tinglings of a crush.

They bicker a lot on their first meeting because Superman tries to tell her what to do and Wonder Woman tells Superman he is a huge idiot. Young love!

Is this man hiding the child's eyes from the excessive violence or the fantastic ass? Oh wait. They're in America. I know the answer to that one. The little girl either wants Wonder Woman to blow her horn or fist the parademon.

While the parademons massacre the civilians of Metropolis, Wonder Woman and Superman think it's a good time to get into a philosophical discussion about heroes and weakness and evisceration. I don't know why Batman hasn't butted in to tell them that they're both idiots and that they should not be multitasking at a time like this! But then, Batman is probably too busy multitasking to talk to them.

I watched the first episode of American Horror Story last night and I think I'm peeing blood this morning!

Um, anyway, that probably isn't a huge issue. So Superman thinks constantly lecturing Wonder Woman is the most useful thing he can do during the battle. That's how Bruce treats Selina! So you know Superman is in love!

I just realized something! Comic book relationships might be awful examples of relationships!

But that was the past! What's going on in the present, Superman and Wonder Woman?!

That dress is proof that Planetary exists in The New 52 because Diana obviously borrowed it from Jakita Warner.

Wonder Woman really doesn't understand typewriters because she asks Superman why he doesn't type faster. Regular humans can type too fast to jam up typewriters! Hell, Superman probably can't even type super fast on a laptop without destroying it. But Superman's real problem is that he's not a very good journalist and constantly second guesses everything he begins to type. It's probably because he's using Ernest Hemingway's old typewriter. Why use the typewriter of a lousy writer?! He should be using one of Steinbeck's!

Did Peter J. Tomasi watch an episode of Perfect Strangers before watching this and decide to base his Wonder Woman on Balki? Why doesn't she understand anything?! Why does Superman have to keep explaining everything to her like she's a child?! Did she take a blow to the head recently?

Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! Oh, wait. It's just Clark Kent and his way too hot girlfriend! Although without the glasses, is this really just Superman in a suit?

I guess it doesn't matter if Clark and Diana are in disguise because I don't recognize them anyway when drawn by Doug Mahnke and Jaime Mendoza!

While Clark and Diana are out on a date surrounded by people pretending not to know who they are, some guys at a nuclear power plant run into a person they think is a Star Sapphire.

I can see how he could make that mistake.

Are all of the people in Peter J. Tomasi's world idiots?! Who sees a guy with a flaming purple skull and thinks, "Love!"? Besides me?

Atomic Skull is working with Major Disaster who used to go by Captain Disaster until he realized that wasn't funny at all.

If I were Major Disaster, I would be worried about working so close to a guy with see-through skin and purple flames who has "atomic" in his name. I also wouldn't feel comfortable helping him break into a nuclear reactor so he can eat the fuel rods! Major Disaster is as stupid as everybody else in this comic book!

Superman and Wonder Woman feel the earthquake caused by Major Disaster and Wonder Woman determines that the earthquake can't be natural because they're in New York City. I think she'd be surprised! At least the possibility of super villains gets Wonder Woman to finally remove that hideous dress! And Superman in a suit decides to finally lose the suit. Does Clark's disguise still work if he pretends he's wearing contacts?

I bet if Clark Kent ever came to Portland, everybody would recognize him as Superman since they'd see just another guy wearing fake glasses. They'd see right through the disguise! Just like they see right through their fake glasses!

Isn't that dangerous? Biting into a fuel rod like that? While in a tornado?

Major Disaster takes out Wonder Woman with hailstones. I'm not sure if I'd call hail a "major" disaster. I guess it can cause a lot of damage to cars but is it really worthy of a visit from FEMA?

Is that a thing? Hot girls like more ice? Is it because they're so hot that they can't cool down? I'm just going to pretend like that other panel never happened.

Atomic Skull adds some nuclear knuckle sandwiches to the menu and Major Disaster finishes the whole thing off with a bunch of lightning strikes. Then as Major Disaster and Atomic Skull fly off to meet up with the brains of whatever new outfit they've joined, they're captured by a new guy named Wonderstar. His chest emblem is a penis entering a butthole. No, no. Seriously.

Okay, maybe it's representative of titty fucking.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #13 Rating: Sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing between a comic book I enjoyed and a comic book I simply enjoyed commenting on! I kind of liked this issue in the whole Challenge of the Superfriends way in that Superman and Wonder Woman got to battle a couple of B-list villains (I don't care how powerful Atomic Skull might be. He's still B-list (and that might be generous)). But I wasn't happy to see Wonder Woman being portrayed as a clueless foreigner. And Superman really was acting a lot like Bruce in the way he treated Diana on their first meeting in the fight against Darkseid. Why wasn't he lecturing Green Lantern or Batman or The Flash? Oh, wait. I think it has something to do with the organ they use for pissing. Also, holy Christ! That dress was hideous.