Batman #18

This issue should just be twenty pages of Scott Snyder whining how Morrison was able to kill Damian immediately after Death of the Family ended without a drop of spilled Bat-Blood.

I thought Death of the Family (excluding the crossover titles) was a solid Joker story even though it didn't end in any real, physical tragedy. But the real problem with it came immediately after it ended. The Joker's plan was to tear the family apart and it seemed like that's what he did. For the story to have any real lasting impact, the Bat-Family should be avoiding Batman at all costs, hurt and bewildered and trying to process what just happened. See? It's right in the name of the crossover: Death of the Family. But guess what? They're all immediately hanging out at the Bat-Getaway in the next issue of Red Hood and the Outlaws. There are just too many Bat-related titles with too many different (and, at least one, horrible) writers trying to tell their own stories to make Death of the Family mean anything. I was hoping it would at least have some effect here in this title but then that other thing happened. Damian was killed.

So in a story that took even comic book shop owners by surprise, Grant Morrison kills Damian immediately after Death of the Family concludes. Perhaps Snyder's plan was to kill Damian but Morrison had dibs? Perhaps DC's plan was for everybody to feel safe, feel they could relax, and then WHAM! Tragedy! But I can't help thinking that Damian's death was more of a whim by Grant Morrison. Which sucks (whim or not) because I really liked Damian Wayne and what he brought to Batman. Being that Batman Incorporated was delayed for a month due to the Colorado movie theater shooting, Damian's death should have taken place a month before Death of the Family ended. That is, of course, if it were planned that far in advance which I think it was judging by the way Batman Incorporated #1 begins with Bruce Wayne in a cemetery telling Alfred it was all over. Although Bruce Wayne is being arrested at that moment as well. Maybe he'll be accused of child endangerment and child abuse!

Of course Batman Incorporated #9 hasn't come out yet, so Robin might not officially be dead. They already faked his death once in the comic. Maybe his death needed to be super faked in order to draw out Talia and end her game! Or maybe I'm still grasping at comic book fanboy straws! No, no. Death in comics is never the last word. Unless you're Ted Kord.

Enough about Grant Morrison. Let's see if Scott Snyder, at least, has kept up this theme of the Death of the Family in his comic.

Batman #18 begins with Future Robin and her brother Cullen:

I hope Damian lives but isn't allowed to be Robin anymore. Then we could still have Damian as a character and Harper as the next Robin.

Harper and Cullen are headed out to Blackgate to visit their dad. Blackgate is on an island. Is every major destination in Gotham on an island? They visit their dad. Their dad is a dick. They leave with hurt feelings.

Afterward Harper continues with her hobby of tracking Batman around Gotham. Batman has been on a nonstop rampage for a week and Harper is worried about him. She saved his life after he escaped The Court of Owls' underground labyrinth, so she probably feels somewhat responsible for him. Or maybe The Joker manipulated her life in just the right way so that she can become the next Robin! That makes the most sense. But why is Batman on a day and night rampage? It's probably because Alfred is a complete pain in the ass patient and he keeps ringing that Goddamned bell, constantly, incessantly ringing that motherfucking bell! So he's driven Batman out of Wayne Manor to take his frustrations out on the local thugs. Or it could be he's still upset about The Joker. Or maybe his son died or something.

With nobody to take care of them, do you think Damian's pets will band together to become The Batpets? That should always be the back-up story in this comic book. Titus, Alfred, and Batcow are...THE BATPETS! They can battle The Penguin's Penguins or The Riddler's Guinea Pigs or Bane's Rottweilers or The Joker's dead Hyenas or Zsasz's gerbils. Maybe they could team up with Beppo or Krypto or Dex-Starr.

While watching him from afar, Harper can see deep into Batman's psyche to the pain and loss and grief he's suffering. Maybe it's the way he punches differently now. Or the way he runs over criminals in the Batcar in just that way that says, "I'm so sad." Maybe it's the constant stream of tears that give away his inner heart? Or the way he collapses in the corner of an alley surrounded by barely breathing thugs, sobbing Damian's name over and over again? No. I don't think Batman does any of those things. I think she notices the pain he's going through because she's projecting her own feelings onto him and, coincidentally, they just happen to mirror hers.

I guess Harper might be able to read minds and emotions as well. But if she has a superpower, I don't think she can become Robin.

Haven't you heard? Robin is dead! He died about the same time as Bruce Wayne's son. I think it was a tandem bicycle accident.

So that's how she knows he's in pain! Batman is getting stabbed by half-drunk cyborgs (because the robot half can't get drunk!). Well there's only one thing for it! Harper needs to save the day! And she gets her chance when Batman decides to pick a fight with a pack of dogs on Venom!

Oh come on! Where the fuck is the union? This is so obviously a job for the Batpets!

Just as Batman is about to become a Batsnack, Harper shows up with an Ultra Doggy Whistle. The dogs scatter and Batman is saved! Although he's only saved by Harper because she had her Ultra Doggy Whistle handy while Batman had yet to reach into his utility belt to pull his out. She then shocks the Dog Trainer in the balls with her Ultra Ball Shocker which gives Batman a chance to punch the guy in the nose and end the fight. Except all those dogs on Venom are now running loose in the city. I think they pass out really quickly from the effects of the drug though, so they'll probably only be able to maul two or three kids.

And then Batman tells Harper what he probably should have framed and mounted in the Batcave under a gigantic neon sign that says, "WHY ROBINS ARE A BAD IDEA."

There might be some good reasons to have a Robin as well. But if there were only one bad reason not to have a young kid fight at your side and it was because you'll soon have a young corpse at your side, that reason should probably trump all of the good reasons.

Harper comes back with, "I don't need another father!" which makes Batman grit his teeth and tell Harper to "fuck the fuck off!" Those quotation marks may be a bit misleading as they may have said some other things that didn't totally come off like a teenaged know-it-all that thinks she has something new to say to Batman and an old cold-hearted fart that doesn't want to get to know anymore people that might one day die on them.

And then the art changes which means the back-up story must have begun although it sort of continues the story as Harper makes plans on infiltrating Wayne Tower or the Batman Incorporated Building or whatever the building that looks like Batman is called. She's going to see Bruce Wayne to get a message to Batman. See? See that?! Even this poverty stricken girl with no access to a criminal mastermind laboratory of high tech weapons tries to get to Batman through Bruce Wayne. That's why you don't tie your secret identity so closely to your super hero identity! Jesus, Batman! It's Introduction to Secret Identities 101! The community college course!

I thought Harper was going to unroll her blueprints only to find she'd mistakenly grabbed the Banana Splits poster.

Because of the blueprints, Batman comes to see Harper and apologize for breaking her nose. And to get lectured by her again! Or to show him that people care about him and Gotham needs him. I guess it depends on how cynical you are. Harper takes off to let Batman watch the light show she created by fucking with Wayne Enterprises electrical system. It's supposed to spell out a word one letter at a time but it's the first letter that's all Batman cares about.

The whole word was "resolve". It meant something to somebody or something.

Batman #18 Rating: No change. I think Harper would make an interesting Robin. She can constantly tell Batman her mom's words of wisdom. And she can be the first Robin to never know Batman's secret identity. They'll just meet up at night and kick some ass and then go home separately. Later, Cullen could become Robin's sidekick and call himself Egg. But mostly I just want The Batpets happening in New 52 continuity and not just over in the new Li'l Gotham comic.

Green Lantern #18

The most powerful weapon in the universe and these chumps use it to make swords and flails.

Hal Jordan and Sinestro have been stuck inside The Black Hand's Black Lantern Ring for a good space of time. That's about as accurate as I can be since I really don't know how much time has passed in the Green Lantern Verse since the Zero Issue. Or whenever they were sucked up. The issue before that? An Annual? Anyway, it's been a long fucking time. And now Simon Baz has joined them. I think that means they're counting on the cosmic squirrel to save their asses.

With Simon Baz now trapped inside The Black Hand's ring, things look pretty bleak for Hal and Sinestro.

Oh Sinestro! You're always so critical! If you're so perfect, why the fuck are you in The Dead Zone too?

From what I've seen, Simon Baz utilizes the ring even better than Sinestro and he's brand new at it. Once Sinestro sees what Simon Baz can do, he'll take all of the credit and forget about the fact that Hal Jordan got his chocolate in Sinestro's Power Ring even though it's the combination of these two Green Lanterns that enabled the ring to pick a person more suited to the job than either of them alone.

Although you'll never convince Sinestro of that fact. Or me, either, really. I never did like Hal Jordan.

Sinestro doesn't believe in the competency of anybody but Sinestro. So as soon as he realizes Simon Baz is wearing his old ring, Sinestro tries to take it. And either Sinestro's willpower is so powerful that he can withstand the blows from any Green Lantern ring or he's just simply unaffected by it due to some changes he made in his ring before he lost it. Sinestro just wades through anything Simon Baz can hit him with. Well, almost anything.

Well, you had to figure the gun would come in handy at some point before Steve Trevor and the JLA took it away from him.

Meanwhile the Space Squirrel B'dg that I keep disrespecting because he's so fuzzy and wuzzy and cute is busy making a bad ass stand against The Black Hand in the hopes of rescuing Simon from Black Hand's ring. How come I can't treat B'dg with the respect he deserves as a Green Lantern? Is it my fault half the Green Lanterns were created during the silliness of the Silver Age? They're never going to fit into the grim and gritty modern age stories! I mean, they will. But I won't accept it without kicking and screaming and pointing out how cute B'dg's widdle bwack eyes are and how fwuffy his widdle tail is!

Back in the ring, Sinestro's will is too strong to be killed by one bullet.

Sinestro's eyeball has some serious trust issues.

Dead Tomar-re graces everyone with a short book report on Volthoom since even Sinestro doesn't know who he is. But Tomar-re knows because millions of the dead people in the Dead Zone were killed by Volthoom and they just can't shut up about it. Volthoom was, of course, a mysterious explorer from an unknown time and an unknown place. He's probably from a time far in the future so that his actual origin never has to really be explained. But he traveled back in time to witness Krona witness the creation of the universe. Why didn't he just go back in time to actually witness the creation of the universe? I don't know! Maybe that was too dangerous! As it was, when he arrived and/or when Krona looked at The Big Goat.se, everything blew up and things went haywire and Volthoom suddenly had the power of the Emotional Spectrum. The Guardians saw his power and said, "Hey! Quit bogarting that fucking power, dude!" And Volthoom looked down on them and said, "No."

That sounds like a whole lotta hogwash!

After the lecture, B'dg's green light reaches in to pull Simon Baz free. But as he's leaving, he creates a duplicate ring for Hal Jordan so that he can escape as well. When did one of the powers of the ring become making duplicate rings? They've used that a number of times in this book and it just seems silly. And dangerous! If I were a Green Lantern, I'd just make thousands of rings to give out so I wouldn't have to patrol my gigantic, enormous, fucking crazy big sector of the universe all by myself. Or, you know, with just the one partner. Whatever the current protocol is.

But the ring doesn't go to Hal Jordan. Sinestro frightens Hal just a smidgen and the ring goes to Sinestro. But since Hal Jordan's destiny is to become the greatest Black Lantern ever, it's fitting that Sinestro escapes along with Simon Baz. But once they're free (thanks to the fuzzy wuzzy space squirrel!), Black Hand disappears into the ring himself. While wearing the ring. Oh shit! RECURSION ALERT!

RECURSRECURSIONALRECURSIONALERRECURSIONALERTTERTIONALERT!

So the ring was sucked inside the ring and the ring was not sucked inside the ring to be able to suck the ring inside the ring which sucked the ring inside the ring which wasn't sucked inside the ring while simultaneously being sucked inside the ring that wasn't sucked inside the ring that was sucked inside the ring.

end recursion alert

Now the only way out of the Dead Zone is for Hal Jordan to use the Black Lantern Ring. But he can't use it because he's still half-alive. Which means he needs to stop willing himself alive and commit suicide. And since he's going to be the best Black Lantern ever, get ta steppin', Hal!

Splat.

Green Lantern #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. It took about a year or so for me to finally feel comfortable with all of the Green Lantern history that was dragged along into the Reboot but now that I am, I'm enjoying this book a lot more. Plus Hal Jordan isn't the star!

The Phantom Stranger #6

I've always thought of Hell as more of a Nation-State than a City. Unless this cover is just a hellish rendering of Las Vegas. In which case you can disregard my entire oeuvre.

Yeah, it's pretty pretentious to categorize my commentaries as my "oeuvre" when they're really just a bunch of posts calling Scott Lobdell a hack, Ann Nocenti a magnetic poetry loving walrus, and Tom DeFalco's mother's vagina a jerk. Fuck it. We can't all be motherfucking John Steinbeck.

Last issue, a lot of things were not cleared up. But one thing that was cleared up: The Question was the asshat that kidnapped The Phantom Stranger's family and crucified the babysitter. Who does The Question work for? What was his crime that was so terrible that he was blessed cursed with immortality? What's his big punishment? To only ask questions? If I were forced to only speak in questions but be granted immortality at the same time, I think I could live with that. Oh! I guess I'd have to live with it! Hell, if I were in the Phantom Stranger's shoes and was forced to betray people while getting to be immortal, I'd do it. Fuck, who am I kidding? If I were forced to walk around eating dog shit as the price for immortality, I'm not too proud to say no to that deal!

Perhaps DC's Las Vegas is simply hell on earth. So, you know, like normal Las Vegas.

The Phantom Stranger must be a mystical creature of great power since he's allowed to wander around the casino in a hat pulled low over his face and a gigantic trench coat covering up his entire body. Perhaps security just thinks he's performing later. The Phantom Stranger wanders through the casino judging Las Vegas as a place people come to escape from the specter of death constantly looming before them. That doesn't really make Las Vegas any different from anywhere else in the world though. I'm pretty sure everything people do fits into two categories: Survival and I'mma Just Pretend I'm Immortal Over Here. Sure there are subcategories. And since Las Vegas is all about luxury time and frivolous activities, it radiates a sense of desperate urgency more so than, perhaps, a college campus where it looks like people are working toward something or building the future. But there's probably just as much drinking, gambling, and carousing in one as there is in the other. Appearances and cultural judgment aside, we're all just treading water until our arms and legs tire out and we sink into oblivion.

This is a might cheery comic book, isn't it?!

While wandering the casino, The Phantom Stranger gets a phone call from Dr. Thirteen on a prostitute's cell phone.

Does Dr. Thirteen's bag of snacks indicate Beppo's canonical existence in The New 52? Or is he just a made up mascot for a crappy snack food brand? Maybe Beppo is the CEO of a large snack food corporation?

The Phantom Stranger decides to play some High Stakes Poker because the VIP area has mystical blocks all around it. Hopefully he'll be playing with Detective Chimp!

Nope. No Detective Chimp. Just a corpse, three Firestorm Demons, and Carmen San Diego.

The demon players (and possibly the kidnappers of The Phantom's family as opposed to The Question whose name I've been libeling all over the place) are Belial, Suge, and Ruskoff. Suge and Ruskoff are Trigon's sons. Belial is, well, the king of lies, I believe! Unless he's the Lord of Flies? One of those things. Unless it's a different one. I'm currently not on speaking terms with Lord Google, so everybody will just have to be content with my random guessing. Maybe Belial is also one of Trigon's sons!

The Phantom Stranger buys his way into the game with his necklace of silver coins. Carmen San Diego accepts them (she's the dealer!) and deals the cards (See? The dealer!).

The talk over the poker game leads to speculation that Raven kidnapped The Stranger's family because of what he did to her. Good point! There are so many possibilities! Maybe Pandora did it? Or perhaps The Phantom Stranger entered into a fugue state, killed the baby sitter and dumped his family in the ocean because he unconsciously didn't want to deal with the human aspect of his life anymore, and then came back home, hit the outside intercom and said, "Dick Laurent is dead." Or maybe God did it because he was tired of his pet Stranger constantly being distracted by soccer games and soccer games!

Oh, and besides the talk about The Phantom Stranger's personal life, they manage to play some really crappy Hades Hold 'em.

I don't think you're insulting his intelligence at all! You're just showing what a crappy player you are! Needing two more cards for your straight with two cards left to turn up is hardly a "potential straight." That's praying to a fart.

Apparently it wasn't simply knowing how to play poker but The Phantom Stranger's magic Jedi Mind Trick that caused Ruskoff to fold. But he won't be able to use that trick against Suge since Suge goes all in with his three sixes. The Phantom Stranger needs one more card to fill his flush. Belial has a pair of Jacks and a long shot straight as well. Everybody else at the table goes all in as well. Now if Hades Hold 'em uses the same rules as Texas Hold 'em, The Stranger has a pretty decent shot at winning this. But at the beginning of the game, Ruskoff began to tell the rules and Suge shut him the heaven up. So I'm not really sure what a winning hand comprises in this game! Maybe they don't acknowledge flushes and The Stranger is playing a dead hand!

Dude. With a full house, you stab yourself in the face and quit just because you thought The Stranger was cheating? Anyway, why would he need to root around your head to see your cards at this point? When everyone went all in, everybody should have turned their cards over because there's nothing left to do but see the dealer's last two cards. Or last one, at this point. Between this story, Ann Nocenti's Green Arrow poker scene, and the back-up story in Detective Comics with Hugo Strange's son playing poker, I'm beginning to think no one at DC can write a realistic poker scene. Granted, demons are playing poker here. So it's already pretty far outside the realm of realism!

Ruskoff is out because something forced him to fold. Suge is out because something forced him to stab himself in the face. And now, for some reason, Belial chooses to bow out instead of seeing the final card when he realizes The Stranger hasn't been manipulating the other players to cheat at poker but has been rooting around inside of their heads for information about his family's disappearance. Did some other force cause Belial to end the game early as well?

Carmen San Diego is looking a bit gaunt all of a sudden.

The person The Phantom is speaking to in that last panel is Deadman. So I guess he makes it back from Faerie! That means he won't be the one that Constantine leaves behind. That'll probably be Tim Hunter anyway since that's fitting and not a big deal. But getting back to The Phantom Stranger and leaving Justice League Dark commentary for later, Deadman tells The Stranger that the demons weren't lying. They have no idea what happened to The Stranger's family.

After the encounter, The Stranger gets another phone call from Dr. Thirteen. He tells The Stranger to get his ass over to his lab as soon as possible or it will be the end of everything. He's lying simply to get him back so The Question can fuck with him. So after all that, it looks like The Question did kidnap The Stranger's family. And this wild goose chase was simply The Question's way of creating a rift between Belial and The Stranger because The Question is a dick.

The Phantom Stranger #6 Rating: No change. How long before Detective Chimp shows up? That's all I ask!

Detective Comics #18

Let the month of sadness begin!

I wonder if these Requiem titles are all going to try to out sadden all of the other Requiem titles. Do you think there's a pool in the DC Offices trying to guess who can make the most nerds cry? Even though Artya, one of my readers, already told me he wept like fifteen toddlers watching a puppy drown when he read Batman and Robin, Batman and Robin would have been my guess as to the most emotional of the batch. I'm sure Scott Snyder's Batman will be pretty good too. But Tomasi has just been knocking the feels out of the park over in Batman and Robin. I wonder if I should get drunk to help deaden the pain while I read it?

I'm actually not too worried about being sad while reading Detective Comics. I don't know much about John Layman and he's fairly new to the Detective Comics scene. And the only way my miniscule brain knows how to interpret that is: "John Layman sucks at writing emotion." As you can see, I'd make a really horrible detective.

But you know what? Forget about that loser Robin! Detective Comics doesn't have time for all of that sentimental claptrap! It's time for a fucking face-off between Oswald Cobblepot and Ignatius Ogilvy! Penguin Death Match!

Batman is busy cleaning up Arkham after The Joker's madcap party filled with hilarious anecdotes and raucous laughter. So this story must take place before Robin took twenty too many bullets to the chest. Maybe. Batman Incorporated seems to take place in a "Grant Morrison" space. That means you can wedge it in anywhere in the timeline it seems to fit because no editor is going to tell Grant Morrison to change something he's written. And don't even get me started on trying to figure out when a Scott Lobdell story falls into the timeline! Being that Batman is constantly everywhere, it's just not an issue. I think readers have learned to look askance at the minutiae of Batman's timeline.

While cleaning up Arkham, Batman has to figure out what to do with The Penguin since he was hardly there of his own free will.

That Penguin has some gall! Although he does have a fucking point. He is not one of these loony birds.

Batman has to let The Penguin go because, after all, he's just a little fuck that mostly just hides in his Casino. If Batman wants him, he knows where to get him. The real problem is the prisoner that they notice is missing after all of this: Victor Zsasz. And Batman has no idea where to find that maniac.

And then the scene changes to a cemetery, so it turns out I was wrong about the timeline. Robin is currently on the wrong side of the worm eating.

How does the funeral work? Different dates to bury Robin and Damian? Nobody in Gotham is putting two and two together here? "Holy shit! Batman's sidekick and Bruce Wayne's son both dead! What a coinky-dink!"

So Batman is sad and Alfred can't help because there isn't enough tea in the world to help Batman's broken heart. Although there are many, many types of tea that can probably help Batman forget about it, at least for awhile.

Since Zsasz has escaped, Batman doesn't have time to pick on the Penguin and make his life hell. But that's okay, Batman, because Ogilvy is doing it for you. The Emperor Penguin has taken over all of The Penguin's assets. The Penguin's credit cards have been canceled, his house is under armed guard, and his cell phone service has been killed. So The Penguin is forced to participate in the most unbelievable panel so far in The New 52.

A working phone booth in Gotham City? Please.

The Penguin grabs his secret cache of umbrella guns and heads off to the casino to murder himself an Emperor Penguin. But apparently Batman is really pissed off at the Penguin because when he hears some people have been murdered in a Zsaszy way, Batman heads off to bust the penguin for trespassing and vandalism at the zoo.

Nice work, Batman! Personal vendetta complete! Now maybe you can capture Zsasz before he kills some people that won't help with one of your own personal agendas!

Batman's really being a dick to The Penguin. Sure, The Penguin is a mob boss that should be in prison. But fuck, Bats! He didn't kill Damian! You should at least go take out some anger on Zsasz. Now that guy deserves a good beating. Although if you were to hang about the Casino, you might run into him seeing as how he was being paid by Emperor Penguin to kill Penguin's lawyers.

So Emperor Penguin Ogilvy has done it. He's taken over the role of The Penguin and The Penguin is off to spend some time in Blackgate. Perfect! I never really liked The Penguin anyway and Ogilvy has become one of my favorite not-too-smart Gotham residents! And even though I keep thinking he's getting too smart for his own good which, according to Ogilvy, is always the downfall of thugs in Gotham, I guess going after the Penguin was actually a pretty stupid move. Which is why he pulled it off! If it were a smart move, he would have failed! Or something. You know. According to Ogilvy's philosophy. But now Ogilvy is really getting stupid because he thinks the only person he needs to take down now is Batman! And he's going to use Langstrom's Man-bat Serum to do it! Oh Ogilvy. The only good way to deal with Batman is to stay off his fucking radar. It was nice knowing you!

Right. How many times am I going to say that to Ogilvy? This guy has pulled off some seriously ridiculous crap so far. And with a stupidly derivative name, too! I like this chump!

The back-up story is about Ogilvy hiring Zsasz to hurt The Penguin. Zsasz has a bit of a beef against The Penguin since it was at The Penguin's casino where Zsasz lost everything. I should pull out my Shadow of the Bat #1-4 and reread Zsasz's Preboot origin. Unless that wasn't his origin. I believe it was his first appearance though. Anyway, not much to say about it. Zsasz is on the loose. To be continued.

Detective Comics #18 Rating: No change. I don't think my mind was entirely on this comic while reading it. I walked away about three or four times to do other things. So it might have been better than I thought it was. Or not. It didn't have much sadness in it, that's for sure.

Swamp Thing #18

Sure. Live it up while Cliff Baker gets his heart ripped out. Jerks.

Swamp Thing and Animal Man have been sent back in time to fix the world. Animal Man did his thing over in Animal Man #18 and nothing tragic happened at all no matter what I said in the caption to the cover of this issue. So I'm pretty sure nothing tragic will happen in this one either even with the whole "death do them part" foreshadowment on the cover.

As in Animal Man's case, The Parliament of Decay spits Swamp Thing out in the past with about one second left to save Abby's life.

For a bunch of Parliamentary Corpses claiming to want to restore balance to the world, they cut it awfully close here.

But since The Swamp Thing apparently isn't fucking around this time, I guess one second is all he needs.

This is Page Two. I guess Snyder needs 18 pages to depict Abby fucking The Swamp Thing.

Too bad the fucking never happens. Abby and The Swamp Thing realize that Arcane will simply reform. They need to find a way to destroy him and get the Parliament of Decay to choose a newer, fluffier, less aggressive Avatar. Besides, Future Anton Arcane arrives to try to create his Rotworld again and discovers Past Anton Arcane ripped in half. He eats him and heads off to teach The Parliament of Decay a lesson for helping Swamp Thing and Animal Man.

Apparently the newer, fluffier, less aggressive Avatar next in the queue is Abby herself. She was always meant to be the next Avatar of Decay but she abdicated when Swamp Thing saved her from Sethe. That's when Anton was chosen as the Avatar. So for Abigail to accept her proper role as the Avatar of Decay, she needs to die just like Alec died to become Swamp Thing. So Swamp Thing shrugs his mossy shoulders and says, "Okay!"

It really didn't take that much convincing. This is like page three or something.

After killing Abby, Swamp Thing is killed by Anton. I sense a pattern here! Let me see if I can suss out what will happen next? Someone else needs to kill someone else. But who?!

Oh yeah! Abby takes Anton! At least she doesn't look like Howard Stern's Beetlejuice this time.

The Swamp Thing regrows back in the swamps of Louisiana near his Parliament of Seedlings. But the body of Alec Holland is gone, killed by Anton. Swamp Thing is all plant now and ready to take his place amongst the Parliament. Except this Swamp Thing has a choice. He can take root and finish out his days as a member of the Parliament, or he can continue to roam the world as The Green's Avatar. Before he chooses, he has a visitor bearing gifts.

What happens if they engage in sexual activity now? Will they destroy each other, leaving Maxine the most powerful creature on Earth?

Oh. Why am I always asking questions instead of turning pages!

I guess that's about as far as they can go.

After the romance, Swamp Thing chooses to continue to be the Avatar because legs. He has all the time in the world to end up rooted to one lousy spot in the swamp! As long as they're offering, he's going to hit the road!

Swamp Thing #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm excited about Swamp Thing stories without having to deal with Alec Holland's human side! And we'll probably get a few Abby as the Avatar of Decay one shot stories here and there which should be fun. I really like where this comic is headed now.

Animal Man #18

Did he lose his wallet?

Now that I know Animal Man #18 is going to be 20 pages of Buddy Baker frantically searching for his wallet because he doesn't have a stupid pocket in that skin-tight outfit, I can relax and write about other things!

Hmm. I like cupcakes. Did you know that? I liked cupcakes when they were just something your mom could bake in the oven and slather crappy frosting on. Remember when cupcakes cost less than $5 a pop? Our society has created so many empty shells of people that they have no idea who or what they are without their likes and material possessions. So instead of simply liking cupcakes, they have to SUPER DUPER LIKE CUPCAKES AND GO TO CUPCAKE SHOPS AND BE SEEN WITH CUPCAKE SWAG AND OH MY GOD!!! CUPCAKES!!!!

I bet Ralph Waldo Emerson used to run around town bitching about how fancy and trendy scones had suddenly become!

Yes, I'm comparing myself to Ralph Waldo Emerson. "Cupcakes are in the saddle and fuck mankind raw. RAW!"

You know what I just realized? Animal Man might not be about losing his wallet! One of his family members might die! Shit! I should probably read this now!

Remember how Rotworld ended? Swamp Thing and Buddy Baker were granted a do-over by the Parliament of Rot and sent back in time to fix their idiotic choices.

Really? Whatever it takes? I'm pretty sure you don't shout that in the face of fate, you morons! Next thing you know, you'll be frantically fucking each other in the eye sockets to save the world. Or maybe killing your loved ones. That's nearly as horrible a possibility.

Buddy Baker and Alec Holland are separated as they're sent back in time. They don't arrive back at the swamp before they dove into The Grey which would have been a really nice and easy place to stop this whole mess from falling apart, you stupid fucking Rot Parliament assholes. Instead they send him back with about one second to spare before Maxine is taken by the Hunters Three Two!

"Where is my fucking wallet, you sons of bitches?!"

Buddy Baker continues to fight the Hunters Two but can't seem to figure out how to put them down once and for all. He killed the third one somehow but I forget how. Maybe Maxine helped kill it. Or maybe she killed it since Socks seems to think she's the only one that can finish off the Hunters at this point. During the fight, William Arcane gets knocked into the barn by the Hunters and may or may not be dead. I guess it depends on how much Chlorophyll he sucked down.

While Animal Man is quickly approaching TKO territory (that's a sport's reference! It stands for Totally Knocked Out), Ellen is trying to keep Maxine from helping him. I guess she doesn't really love her husband. Maybe that's why he's having such a bad day. He just found out his wife doesn't need his gigantic donkey dick anymore. Or was it the size of a giraffe penis? Did anybody get back to me with the research on how big a giraffe's wiener is?

Oh come on, Ellen! It's not like this is Sophie's Choice! It's either the world or your little girl! I'm pretty sure I know who the world would pick!

Socks comes up with the plan to defeat The Hunters. Did you read what I just typed? Socks. The Cat. The cat comes up with the plan to save the world. It wasn't a fucking dog. A dog is a soldier, an infantry man that's only good for taking orders. A cat is a general! Sitting high above the battlefield on top of the bookshelf, planning and planning. Unless napping and licking its butthole look the same as planning. Hmm. Maybe letting the cat lead isn't the best idea.

The cat's plan, by the way, is for Maxine to heal the Hunters instead of killing them. I thought for sure the plan would be to play with them until you grew bored and wander off, leaving them half-maimed with guts spread across the kitchen floor.

I don't think you'd be able to fill out a super heroine costume yet, Maxine. Goddammit. Now I'm picturing a little girl doing the Boob and Butt Showcase!

Maxine manages to heal The Hunters, sloughing off the Rot encasing them and leaving them as two normal humans in stupid looking green costumes. I think somebody had better research what horrible institution those uniforms belong to so Buddy Baker can shut that shit down. One of them mentions the Ascension Chamber. Uh-oh. Isn't Black Orchid tied to something called Project Ascension? So much stuff to remember! So little brainspace left!

And then everybody lived happily ever after! Nothing bad ever happened to the Bakers ever again. Ever. At least if you only read the first seventeen pages which I'm suggesting you do. You can skip the 18th page where Rotten William Arcane comes back. And the 19th page where Cliff dies in Buddy's arms? That page can be torn out altogether. And now that that page is gone, the final page won't make any sense where everyone looks sad and ruined and Buddy still hasn't found his wallet. So you might as well forget about that page too.

Animal Man #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. It's about time Cliff died. Not that I wanted him to die, mind you! It's just that they've been foreshadowing that shit forever!

Dial H #10

I'm pretty sure I was fucked by this in a London Sex Dungeon back in 1993.

Last we saw Nelse, he had infiltrated the Nameless Canadian Black Ops Agency (unless it's only nameless because I've forgotten the name) as Glimpse. He found the Dial and because he's a spastic moron with more fat cells than brain cells, he decided he would try to steal it instead of just doing the reconnaissance like he was supposed to be doing. This brought him in conflict with the creature on the cover: The Bristol Bloodhound! It can't see Glimpse but it sure can smell him!

If this guy were in a Sex Dungeon, my guess is he'd pay to watch people masturbate while they poop.

The Human Centipede is the only person that can actually see The Glimpse due to his technologically fancy bug mask. He's manipulated Nelse and the Bristol Bloodhound into this confrontation so that he can observe how they react. So far, the Bristol Bloodhound seems to freeze up and follow Nelse's orders or at least be confused by them. Perhaps there's some kind of interference between the two Dials that confuses the beings inhabiting the heroes.

The Human Centipede shoots Nelson in the leg so that he can't escape. But while speaking with Manteau over their radio connection, he screams, "Help me!" The Bristol Bloodhound sees it as a command and picks up Glimpse to drag him out of danger. Perhaps some dials are simply subservient to other dials?

Come to think of it, I think I went by the name "Glimpse" back in my London Sex Dungeon days!

Nelson manages to get Bristol Bloodhound to take him to the rendezvous point where he meets up with Roxie. They're now one hostage and one dial richer than they were before! Perhaps I was wrong to jump all over Nelson for his premature escalation of their dial appropriation plans. But as they try to figure out why this guy and his dial acted so strangely, the hostage gives them the pertinent information needed to solve the mystery.

This is going to make Roxie and Nelson's relationship a bit awkward.

Does this mean there will be all sorts of Dials? Dial G for Goon? Dial T for Thug? Dial P for Pimp? Dial S for Slut?

Not only are there more than one type of Dial, the Dials can actually do more than change a person's shape. From some scattered notes of Eddison's encounter with the mysterious "O", The Human Centipede's Black Ops team realized the Dials are also capable of transportation when they're functioning correctly. The Human Centipede wants to get in contact with the Exchange, the people or the society that exiled "O" (or "O" escaped from with stolen technology?). He needs their help to hunt down Roxie and Nelson. And to find the Exchange, he's enlisted the help of the French leader of the Cult of the Dial that Roxie and Nelson fooled with their Super Wood Louse Dial Angel act a few issues ago.

Meanwhile Roxie and Nelson decide to try out the Hero and Sidekick Dials with Nelson volunteering to be Robin.

This way works. But I imagine it will be a disaster if Nelson has to lead Roxie.

And then it ends with me feeling really awkward about Batman & Robin, Captain America & Bucky, and Green Arrow & Speedy.

Roxie must be The Mistress.

Dial H #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. It was only a matter of time before these two dialed F-U-C-K.