Scavenger! (as seen in Aquaman #17)

Part 16 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Unknown
Occupation: Professional Criminal [As opposed to amateurs who don't get paid or can't find any sponsors?]
Marital Status: Single [How does anybody know this for sure? His alter ego is unknown?]
Known Relatives: None [At least this one makes sense because his alter ego is unknown, he has no known relatives. Marital Status really should be "Unknown". I'm such a stickler.]
Group Affiliation: None [Because he hates Black Manta and Ocean Master. Who else is there?]
Base of Operations: Mobile [But probably underwater. Unless his Scorpion Ship is a space ship as well!]
First Appearance: AQUAMAN #37
Height: 5'9" Weight: 176 lbs. [I love how these statistics are always so specific even though his identity is unknown and the only other times he's been encountered have been in his Shark Scuba Suit.]
Eyes: Unknown Hair: Unknown [Sure, you can get his exact height and weight but fuck if you can tell his eye or hair color through that mask!]

HISTORY
"Of the many mysteries held by the Seven Seas, the origin of the underwater villain Scavenger remains one of the greatest [Really? This jerk's identity is one of the greatest secrets of the Seven Seas? This was either written by the creator of this nobody character or some six year old with a fascination for men in shark-shaped scuba suits and hyperbole.]. He appeared in the depths of the Atlantic to menace Aquaman (see Aquaman) and Aqualad (see Aqualad) in his search for the 'time decelerator,' an ancient device created by an alien super-civilization [Okay but what does it do?!]. Without the usual posturing and boasting of costumed villains, Scavenger went after his goal without explanation of his unusual motif and advanced scientific equipment [So what you're trying to say is this guy is non-union? He's actually the Scabvenger! Ha ha!].

Aquaman was able to destroy Scavenger's heavily armed Scorpion Ship [Why a Scorpion Ship? How does that feature into his Shark-shaped Scuba gear? Where's the overarching theme? I'm pretty sure he couldn't explain himself because he just cobbled this get-up together out of spare parts. He's definitely not in the Super Villain union.], but not before Scavenger gained possession of the decelerator. His prize, however, only succeeded in sending him on a seemingly reverse trip through time, devolving him to an infant, and then nothing [Well, I'm sure it was something. But you probably needed a microscope to see him.].

The decelerator sent Scavenger into a timeless limbo from which it took years for him to escape [I'm pretty sure by 'timeless limbo' the writer means 'his father's testicles'.]. Once he did, Scavenger [had to wait 21 years before being able to rent another Scorpion Ship?] had but one thought: to gain vengeance on Aquaman. He has yet to succeed [Because he's only a little baby!]."

POWERS & WEAPONS
"Though possessing no powers of his own, Scavenger surrounded himself with super-scientific equipment [What makes something 'super' scientific?], which made him a formidable foe [And the Seven Seas' greatest secret!]. His Scorpion Ship was equipped with a deadly arsenal ranging from an electrical field to cannons [Because when I think 'super-scientific', I think 'cannons'!].

Scavenger's costume includes a built-in oxygen supply that enables him to make forays into the deep. He is an adept underwater fighter, obviously having trained in order to be able to overcome the crushing pressures of the ocean floor [Oh yeah. Totes obvs.]."

Aquaman #17

In this issue, Aquaman finds himself trapped with a kitten and a raccoon after he slips down a sewer grate in a big storm!

I'm seriously thinking about spending my money not on some really fantastic comic book trades I've been meaning to read from the time I was away from comics but on the Aquaman Omnibus instead. I'm curious to see why he became so famous and well-liked. Was he ever well-liked? What weird decades all the previous ones were? People were really like that in them? Strange!

Uh-oh! It looks like today is a speak in generalities kind of day! I wonder if I can catch up on my comic book reading by writing vague and uninteresting commentaries? Let me practice a little bit before I begin reading Aquaman.

"The art in this issue wasn't up to the usual quality because reasons. Aquaman's motivations seemed to lack motivation and his actions were less than full of action. His hair did look particularly nice though."

That was some good writing practice! I think I'm ready to work on my novel about a protagonist that does things which cause him to learn things. It's uplifting and inspiring and has something to do with rags and bootstraps. It's a truly mediocre American novel.

This issue begins with Aquaman giving a Junior High School oral report in the same vein as legends like Hawkman or Deathstroke. At least when they were being written by that master craftsman and Jack Kirbyesque master of comic books (according to a panel at Emerald City Comic Con) Rob Liefeld.

Aquaman: "The Phone-it-inicians thought up the term, 'The Seven Seas.' But the only sea those big dumb dumbs knew was the Mediterranean Sea! They must have paddled out in their primitive stone age canoes and were all, 'Whoa! Look at this sea! It goes on forever!' And then one of their friends ran up from the shore and went, 'Hey guys! There's a whole other sea on the other side of the island!' And the guy paddling the stone boat put his hands up to his head with his fingers splayed out and went, 'MIND. BLOWN.'
Aquaman: "But then more successful cultures were all, 'What big dumb dumbs! Thinking one sea was seven seas?! Ha ha ha!' And then an even more successful culture went, 'Oh? You think they're the dumb dumbs, dumb dumbs? Have you ever heard the term--' And he looked dramatically over one shoulder. And then slowly turned his head to look over the other shoulder. And then he fixed his gaze back on the now drooling with anticipation dumb dumbs and said, 'Ocean.'"
Aquaman: "And then everybody's minds were literally blown and the Seven Seas had to be discovered all over again. Thank you. I hope I get an A+."

I can't find where I said it because I'm eternally unorganized and can't remember most of the things I've written from commentary to commentary, but I'm pretty sure when I speculated as to what Aquaman would be doing after fighting Black Mantis and Ocean Master and dealing with Atlantis, the only thing he would have left to deal with are Japanese Whalers and Dolphin Killers. Well guess the fuck what?

The Japanese Whalers have gotten their hands on some Atlantean Whale-killing tech and are having a gay old time. Literally a gay old time because whaling is an old career and whalers loved doing gay things to each other. Sheesh, read Moby Dick sometime!

Paul Pelletier has a funny way of drawing Japanese people! Maybe these guys are Icelandic or Norwegian! Wouldn't that just be typical of DC? Even when they're portraying bad guys, they have to pick white guys! Except of course when Aquaman's enemy has "black" in his name! Black Manta really should have been a Japanese Whaler.

Aquaman shows up with a squad of Atlantean Whaler Killers to stop the horrible abuse of ancient land mammals that signed a treaty with Atlantis for protection if they only moved into the ocean. I'm pretty sure that happened. And since the Atlanteans are defending the whales, maybe the weird coral-looking Whale Cannon the Whalers are using isn't Atlantean Technology. Unless Garth is some kind of black market Atlantean Tech fence! Maybe Dolphin sold the tech to the Japanese Whalers so they'll leave the dolphins alone!

Oh! I get what's happening. Those fucking whales are so Goddamned noisy with their singing all of the time, some Atlanteans can't get any fucking sleep. So they sell some Atlantean Whale Killing Tech to the land dwellers and have them silence those loud-mouthed water mammals!

After Aquaman stops the whalers, the Sea Devils (who have been fighting against the whalers themselves) climb on board the whaler's ship and yell at Aquaman.

Aquaman: "Thank you, Sea Devils, for helping us defeat these bloodthirsty villains!"
Sea Devil Dean: "You're a fucking terrorist and nobody likes you."
Aquaman: "Jesus fucking Christ in a pita pocket. You land-dwellers act as if your genitals are constantly caught in the pincers of a crab."
Sea Devil Judy: "Tee hee! I'm just doing this to research a part in a movie! Tee hee!"
Sea Devil Dean: "Fucking Judy. You do realize you've been Rebooted, right? Drop the stupid actress bullshit!"
Sea Devil Judy: "Hey asshole! We've only been in the Reboot for like ten fucking seconds. How do you know I'm not an actress?!"
Sea Devil Dean: "Well look at fucking Little Nicky. Not so little anymore, is he? And does it look like we're Frogmen searching for lost treasures and battling ancient underwater civilizations?"
Sea Devil Nicky: "Actually..."
Sea Devil Dean & Judy: "Shut the fuck up, Nicky!"
Aquaman: "I don't have all day here, guys. Did you need to do something other than calling me names?"

Because of this confrontation, Aquaman earns the mistrust of the human Sea Devils as well as the mistrust of the Atlantean Men-of-War. Arthur just can't win.

Afterward Aquaman goes to talk with Amanda Waller about some arms dealer selling Atlantean Technology on the international black market! I fucking knew Garth was up to no good! Actually, the technology that's being sold is stuff scavenged off of the bottom of the ocean left over from the very, very recent war between Boston and Atlantis. And "scavenged" is the operative word here because the page before Waller and Arthur discuss the world's hatred for Atlantis, Scavenger is shown scavenging the tech on the bottom of the sea. I had no idea who Scavenger was but I recognized his Shark-mouth Scuba Suit from the cover of Who's Who #XX. Apparently he's super mysterious and once devolved into an infant and then into sperm (or an egg (or both?)) and then into Limbo. But that probably never happened since that's old time Pre-Crisis History. That's so far removed from The New 52 that it might as well be a Marvel story.

Waller mentions that Orm may possibly get the death penalty for leading the attack on Boston. Really? It was just fucking Boston. Everybody calm down! Aquaman looks worried even as he declares that Orm wasn't a scapegoat and that Orm really does need to be punished for his decision to go to war. I think Aquaman is in denial because he wants to fit in so badly. But he should really listen to Waller here. She knows what she's talking about. Orm is absolutely a scapegoat. And if Waller had any feelings at all, she'll remember this moment and stick Ocean Master (Orm! Sheesh!) on the Suicide Squad so he'll stand a chance of beating the electric chair. But since Waller doesn't have any feelings at all, Orm had better just hope one of her super secret not-so-secret Suicide Squad missions takes place underwater.

How does Amanda know how Atlantis feels? Where does she get her information on everyone? She even knows why Mera wants nothing to do with Atlantis! Does Amanda have a better version of Who's Who than I do?!

Of course Waller being Waller, she immediately gets on the phone and tells her contacts they should take Mera now. Oh Amanda. You unfeeling bitch. Somebody throw a pie in this woman's face already.

While Mera is shopping, a bunch of cops show up to take her to the station for questioning. Well, that's not as bad as what I expected. I thought we were going to get a Mera/King Shark throw-down! Dammit. Now that's what I want to read!

While Mera is being arrested, Aquaman answers Amanda Waller's question.

Now aren't you feeling even a little badly about ordering Fish and Chips in Issue One?

Now I'm having one of those weird moments I think only girls are supposed to have. I feel all queasy in my stomach and my mouth wavers a bit and my vision becomes blurry as if I were walking in the windswept rain. This is not a boy feeling at all! How come I don't want to punch or fuck something right now? Why do I want to hug kittens and save puppies?!

Aquaman's Vuu Vuu Vuu telepathic waves reach all across the oceans and are eventually picked up by some guy beneath Antarctica who says, "King of the Seven Seas? How wrong you are." I don't know who this guy is but since he seems to have a problem with Arthur declaring himself King of the Seven Seas, it's probably Poseidon (even though he's super busy right now fighting The First Born in Wonder Woman).

Aquaman #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. There were a few beats in this issue that were really well done and which I really enjoyed. You can tell I liked it because I completely forgot to make fun of Aquaman while reading it! I still think he's being a bit harsh and cruel toward his brother but he may eventually send Murk and the Men-of-war to free Orm since the land-dwellers are threatening to give him the death penalty. More likely, Arthur will just kind of look the other way as Murk and the Men-of-war free Orm on their own and they become Ocean Master's loyal henchmen.

Justice League #17

If only the Justice League hadn't lost their Green Lantern. Without a Green Lantern, they're just a second tier super group.

The Justice League managed to Boom Tube out of the ocean and back up into the Justice League Watchtower where they find Doctor Shin recovering from Vulko's beat-down. I guess since the entire Justice League was stuck in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, nobody was worried about Cyborg's Boom Tube malfunctioning and sending them to Apokolips. Although if that had happened, the war with Atlantis would probably be over by the time they got back and a fish would be president of the United States.

Turns out Vulko was pissed at Orm and the Atlanteans for exiling him years ago. So he engineered a human missile strike on Atlantis so that the Atlantean Army would come to the surface and attack the humans. Vulko doesn't care what happens to the humans; they're just collateral damage. Vulko merely wanted the Atlanteans on land where they'd be most vulnerable. And then he sent the Trench Fish up to destroy them.

At least that's Mera's theory and I'd believe anything she says. *sigh*

While the elite heroes make plans aboard their fancy satellite headquarters, the foot soldier heroes are down on the front lines fighting the Atlanteans.

I notice Green Arrow and Hawkman are missing from this brawl. It's probably because they were called up to the Justice League of America but I like to think it's because they were let go due to extreme suckage.

When I turn the page, I'm greeted with Hawkman stabbing Orm in the wrist, so I guess Hawkman still made the cut. Even though Batman tried to veto him from the group. Meanwhile Firestorm tells Black Canary that he can't transmute organic material. I remember that being a weakness of his in Preboot history but I think this might be the first time it's been mentioned in The New 52. There's a lot to remember when having read about 900 comics in the last year though, so it's very possible I'm wrong about that.

And then the Justice League risks another detour to Apokolips and Boom Tubes themselves into the battle.

Shut up, Superman. He does. He does indeed.

While Batman meets up with the Justice League Farm Team at the docks, Aquaman battles Orm. Orm has the ability to control water the way that Mera does. But Aquaman doesn't have that power! Is that only an ability of full Atlanteans? Or maybe full-blooded Royal Atlanteans since I haven't seen any other Atlanteans use the power. And what about speaking with fish? Is that just something that Aquaman can do? I think Orm might have sent all of the sea-life out of the area before his army attacked Boston but, once again, I'm not too sure. Stupid memory. And stupid laziness keeping me from looking it up!

Batman organizes the Farm Team into a posse to hunt down Vulko. That's about all they're useful for now that Superman and Wonder Woman are on the scene. Too bad most of them can't take their eyes off of the famous Batman because Vulko is simply standing on a skyscraper overlooking the battle hoping that Aquaman will kill Orm. But after Orm gets all emotional and girl scoutery, I doubt that's going to happen.

So what happened to change the weeping into warring? Give him a hug!

While throwing a bus at Orm, Aquaman tells him how much he loved finding out he had a brother as well! Then they kiss kick and hug hit each other for a few pages until Aquaman finally defeats Orm just as Batman and his posse discover Vulko.

Oh! I guess that's probably what Vulko wanted. Aquaman back on the throne. Thus the name of the crossover! Orm being killed would simply have been an added bonus.

Now that Aquaman is king again, he commands the Atlanteans to attack the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underwater Dwellers. The Trench Fish People are apparently just enough fish for nobody to care about killing them. Why do fish not get any love? Vegetarians are often Pescetarians but you never see any Vegetarians that are Vaccatarians! Although I have known quite a few Pancettatarians! I don't subscribe to any of those terms. I'm just an Angry Vegetarian. I only eat animals that piss me off.

It's possible that most of the heroes like Superman and Batman don't kill the Fish Guys while they fight them. It's hard to tell since the ultimate goal is to simply drive them back into the ocean. That can only be accomplished using the Dead King's Scepter so it's a good thing Batman found Vulko. Batman is always thinking ahead!

Well then it's a good thing it all fucking worked out exactly like you planned it, isn't it? Vulko is a mastermind on the level of Harvest!

With the Dead King's Scepter, Aquaman sends the Trench Monsters home and the war is over. He arrests Vulko and sends him back to Atlantis with the Atlantean Army. And then to prove himself to Batman and Superman and Wonder Woman, he arrests Orm and sends him off to Belle Reve. It's really shitty logic and a fucking crappy thing to do to his brother. Basically Aquaman labels Orm a terrorist because after the fight, Orm is no longer a king defending his nation. Even though he was a king defending his nation when he launched the attack. Fucking Aquaman really is a land dweller now, isn't he? And he's got good old American Rationale down pat too. If Superman really meant what he said earlier about Aquaman not having to prove himself, he should have stepped in and stopped this fucking travesty of justice. Instead, the Justice League are all really proud of Aquaman for doing the right* thing.

*"Right" being what they wanted him to do in the first place. Jerks.

But now Aquaman has to go back to Atlantis and be a responsible ruler.

Good riddance!

This crossover causes three things to happen on the final page. Amanda Waller decides it's time to activate the Justice League of America. Batman thinks it would be a good idea to expand their membership. And the Legion of Doom begins hiring! Beginning with the Scarecrow because he's had the most experience so far in The New 52 having starred in at least two major stories and a back-up story or two.

Justice League #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. Okay, so maybe the big bad Super Villain Co-Op won't go by the name Legion of Doom. Maybe they'll be the Secret Society of Super-Villains. But just knowing they're coming in some form is good enough for me. That was the best part of the story which is why I mentioned it first. The rest of the story resolved itself nicely and in a nice, short manner. I was worried Geoff Johns was going to drag this out for ten years. The only thing I don't like is how Aquaman turned his brother into a scapegoat. It was an international incident caused by a third party while Orm was king. Arresting him just because he gave up the crown after the battle was over seems like a really dick move. But then I don't actually expect anything more from Superman, Batman, and Aquaman! Jerks!

Justice League of America #1

I just have the boring old American flag version.

Five years ago, super heroes began cropping up all over the Goddamn place. But not everybody with super smarts or super powers had the good of humanity in mind. Meeting in London were two of these villains: Professor Ivo who would go on to create Amazo (which the other Justice League fought in Issue #7 or thereabouts) and a mysterious man with a cane. Because it's in London and Stargirl is a member of the team, I'm guessing it's The Shade. And if it is The Shade, I'm guessing it'll have nothing to do with The Shade maxi-series that began with The New 52. My bet is that falls out of New 52 continuity as a weird bridge series.

Five years after that (meaning now!), a man in some kind of Japanese Oni mask is running for his life from robots of Wonder Woman, Batman, and Superman. I guess Professor Ivo went back to the drawing board after his Amazo was defeated by one of Green Arrow's arrows to the buttocks.

Meanwhile in cozy offices, Amanda Waller and Steve Trevor discuss why Waller is running every single government black ops and/or super hero group. Okay, she's not running the Justice League. But she's the official liaison between the Justice League and ARGUS, so close enough. This lady is busier than Batman.

Well holy shit. Wouldn't you know Amanda mentions that the Justice League has already fought the two big villains I made fun of DC for deciding not to highlight because they were too busy having super heroes fight each other. Fuckin' DC.

Amanda is trying to convince Steve Trevor to be the team field leader of the new government controlled Justice League of America. But he has his doubts because how can a team with characters from three of the currently worst comic books in The New 52 (Catwoman, Hawkman, and Green Arrow. And hell, Katana has sucked under Swierczynski. And how good will she end up being with Nocenti behind the pen?) be worth leading? He'll just become a laughingstock. I mean a bigger laughingstock since everyone already laughs at him because of his failed relationship with Wonder Woman. And what is that about, by the way? Why is everybody being so cruel to Steve Trevor about a break up? The DCnU is full of dicks.

Steve Trevor eventually agrees to the job simply to cockblock Superman. So I suspect the rest of the comic will be Trevor hunting down members of the JLA?

No, it's even more exciting than that! It's Amanda telling Trevor why each hero will ultimately agree to join! Yay!

First up is Hawkman! Booo! Hisss!

What the fuck? Where does Amanda get her information? Where the fuck has "Katar Hol" been doing that? I mean besides the single fucking page they show him on in this comic just before this panel. Need an instant Reboot of Hawkman! Just add Geoff Johns!

Next up is Katana! Yay! Cheer!

"Why do you think we're taking the characters that have been written like shit since The New 52 began, Steve? Our PR department is going to reboot the fuck out of them!"

I suppose Hawkman and Katana, even though they're killers, were the easiest to turn into heroes that don't kill. Deathstroke and Grifter suck balls but there's no hope for them on a super team backed by the American Government. At least not one that allows photographs.

Next up is Vibe! Booo! Lame! He's a jinx! Don't take him! He'll get you all killed!

You'd think I'd be scanning in pictures of the super heroes, wouldn't you?!

Next up is Stargirl! Um. Who?

Oh, that's who!

So Star Girl is at least the second owner of the cosmic rod and possibly the third although New 52 history may get a little wonky when dealing with All Star Squadron and Justice Society and Infinity, Inc. history. But Sylvester Pemberton was The Star Spangled Kid AKA Skyman. Something horrible and Satanic appears to have happened to him and Stargirl received the rod. Whether or not there was a Starman who came before Skyman, I don't know. I didn't read The Shade maxiseries because my New 52 reading policy doesn't extend to anything not considered one of the monthly 52 titles. Unless Ambush Bug gets one! But this lends validity to the supposition that the other villain at the beginning of the comic is The Shade and that he probably had something to do with whatever happened to the previous cosmic rod owner, Sylvester Pemberton.

Amanda claims Stargirl will join the team simply because they know who her biological father is. Nobody says any more on that subject though.

Next up is Martian Manhunter (YAY!) and Simon Baz, Green Lantern (Yay!) and Green Arrow (BOOOOOOO! *throws black Jujubes*).

I thought Martian Manhunter erased everybody's memories of his having been in the Justice League. Even though the Justice League themselves still remember. So Steve Trevor must have been allowed to remember as well. Probably so Martian Manhunter would have a liaison with the League if Stormwatch had needed to get in touch with them.

Justice League of America is going to be better than the regular Justice League simply because they'll have Martian Manhunter AND a Green Lantern. Losing the Green Lantern from your team is like a mall losing Radio Shack. It's just the beginning of the end, baby.

Next Steve Trevor goes after Catwoman himself because Green Arrow is a gigantic failure. At least Catwoman was decent when Judd Winick was writing her.

"I registered this room in your name and then sat in the dark for four nights straight until you noticed."

I don't know if Trevor is speaking in a sort of sly nod and wink code here and saying he can find out Catwoman's real name for her since Nocenti's Zero Issue set up Selina Kyle as Catwoman's fake name. Even Catwoman doesn't know who she really is though because when she found a file of herself, the name was in Cyrillic. So what Trevor is actually saying here is, "We can figure out who you really are." Right? RIGHT?! Otherwise I don't know what he means and who this other woman is.

Amanda and Trevor agree to the team. The group is meant to match up against the Justice League which is why Trevor wanted Catwoman over Green Arrow. He thought Catwoman was a better match-up against Batman than Green Arrow. He's probably right. Green Arrow is horrible! The match ups are Martian Manhunter vs. Superman (a toss-up), Catwoman vs. Batman (The Goddamned Batman!), Katana vs. Wonder Woman (Wonder Woman!), Simon Baz vs. Hal Jordan (Simon Baz since Hal Jordan fucking quit the Justice League!), Vibe vs. The Flash (I gotta go with Vibe here. I'm guessing he can absolutely disrupt The Flash's powers and render him useless), Stargirl vs. Cyborg (Stargirl because Cyborg is going to fall in love with her!), and Hawkman vs. Aquaman (who cares?). After confirming the team, Steve Trevor has to run off to check in on the dying man in the Oni mask that just limped back into ARGUS. Who is this mysterious man?!

Yay! Best ending ever! I'm going to believe this ending is canon and cut Green Arrow from my pull list!

Justice League of America #1 Rating: I'm sticking this one right in the middle like I did with Threshold and Vibe. It seems pretty average and since Johns is writing it, he's just taking any fucking liberties he wants with DCnU Continuity. That Hawkman shit Amanda pulls out of her ass at the beginning? Ridiculous. Also, I don't see the second issue faring too well with the tease "Team Dynamics." I'm pretty sure that means a bunch of heroes not getting along and punching each other in the gizzards.

Turds of Prey #17

OF HER BOWELS!

I look at this comic book and I feel like a disappointed parent watching all of their hopes and dreams of the future flushed down the toilet by their selfish kid squandering all of her potential. This comic book could be so much more than panel after panel of characters performing actions that are not based on previous panels and project no causality onto future panels. The Birds search out a mastermind's hideout and suddenly find their minds wiped and they're out in an alley. Do they investigate and find out what happened? No. They just go about their business. Katana hacks Poison Ivy allegedly to death at the end of one comic and how do the Birds deal with the consequences? Nobody ever mentions it again. Ever. Black Canary watches Katana hack thugs to death with her sword as Starling puts bullets in people's chests one page, and the next page Black Canary is demanding that they don't kill. This comic book is like 95% of teenagers in their parents' eyes: a confusing mess. I wonder if the comic book looks at me as a stodgy old fart that can't get with the times, reliving his glory days while seeming to be a complete failure in the comic book's eyes. Boy, I'm sure glad I decided never to have comic books!

Last issue ended with Black Canary blowing up a power station with her Canary Cry. This happened because Kurt Lance has the power to magnify other people's powers and he's been hanging out in Gotham lately. So he must be close enough to screw with her powers. Although proximity might not matter with these two because I'm pretty sure Black Canary lost control in Japan as well when Kurt wasn't anywhere near her. This power station was also a Basilisk headquarters. I think. It might not matter since, as I explained earlier, this comic book has no sense of causality.

What is Catwoman doing robbing a jewelry store? According to Ann Nocenti's Catwoman, she doesn't steal that stuff anymore, having undergone "aversion therapy" to gems and jewelry due to her Eclipso Gem Heist.

Even though Black Canary's Sonic Scream can explode heads and destroy property, somehow Batgirl and Condor couldn't hear Black Canary's super out-of-control cry which destroyed the building. They go on assuming Basilisk set off their bomb. But Starling knows it was Canary's fault! And so does Strix who immediately attacks her. Fuck. I thought they got past this bullshit last issue. Now I just have to hope it's over quickly instead of wasting a quarter of the comic book.

The fight is over in only two pages but it allows for conflict between other members of the group which is the only way DC seems to utilize Super Hero teams.

DC Comic Book Fans: "You know what would be exciting? If the Justice League fought the Legion of Doom!"
DC Comics: "You know what you're going to get? Wonder Woman fighting Green Lantern!"
DC Comic Book Fans: "Well, after that's cleared up, maybe they can fight Despero!"
DC Comics: "Nope! After that, it's Superman and Wonder Woman versus the rest of the Justice League!"
DC Comic Book Fans: "What about Starro? That could be a big crossover event!"
DC Comics: "But wait! You haven't heard our plans for when everyone goes after Batman!"
DC Comic Book Fans: "I wonder what's going on in the Fantastic Four?"

Strix and Black Canary's little brawl gives them a chance to, once again, not talk about what happened with Poison Ivy.

Does not talking make Strix super wise and insightful?

Why are the Birds of Prey even a team? Starling mistrusts Black Canary and is constantly ragging on her about how Dinah possibly murdered her husband. Well, I guess Starling is on the team because she's in Amanda Waller's back pocket. But why is Batgirl with them? She and Black Canary have been arguing membership since the beginning. Black Canary hates killing but Starling uses guns. So why does Black Canary keep her around? Batgirl didn't want to join the team because crazy plant lady was one of them but she stuck around anyway. And now she's brought a known killer and loose cannon onto the team! And why the fuck is the Talon joining? Loneliness? I'd be more appreciative of a team that got along than one that's constantly bickering. And people wonder why the fuck I like Worlds' Finest so much! It's a fucking treat to see two heroes that love and respect each other and have a good fucking time just hanging out!

As the team bickers, the bad guys begin crawling out of the rubble.

Oh, so the bad guys can hear and recognize Canary's Sonic Scream but ever-vigilant, Batman-trained Batgirl is clueless? Fuck you, Duane.

Luckily the bad guys came prepared with the stupidest techno-gadgets this side of a Mr. Terrific comic book: HEARTSTOPPERS! They're floating balls that scan for human hearts. When they find one, they lock on to the person's chest and shock the shit out of them until they flatline and die. I don't know. This just sounds like someone in Basilisk R & D has a little too much free time on their hands. "What's the most ridiculous and convoluted contraption I can come up with to kill another human being? And the only way it wouldn't work is if one of our enemies did not have a beating heart! But oh ho ho! How likely is that to happen?! Amirite?!" But it just so happens they've deployed the Heartstoppers just when the Turds of Prey have recruited a member without a heart! Oh the humani-irony!

Black Canary's big plan is for everyone to take cover! But Batgirl asks, "Cover -koff koff-...sure... but where?"

Meanwhile behind cover, Starling is secretly speaking with Amanda Waller on her phone. There's a bunch of back and forth about Starling not having been hired to think but then Starling also being in debt to Waller so it sounds less like Waller hired Starling and more like Waller coerced and/or blackmailed Starling into being a gigantic traitor. When will the "big twist" pendulum swing back the other way and readers will begin to be surprised when a member of a super hero team ISN'T a traitor or spy?

While Condor keeps the Heartfuckers at bay with his telekinetic powers, a team of gun crazy government maniacs shows up to begin shooting at whatever the hell they want to shoot at. Luckily the person they shoot is Strix as she roundhouses a Heartstopper to death. Black Canary looks at the broken Heartraper and says, "Gee whiz, guys! This is Basilisk tech which means someone must be nearby and alive and controlling these things! Because, hee hee, I'm sure they aren't automated! Amirite? Tee hee!" Batgirl and Condor run off to find the guy with the remote, leaving Black Canary and Talon alone together. You know? As a test! To see if they can get along! Nobody seems to care where Starling is.

But the Talon decides she'd rather team up with a Heartstopper.

Batgirl and Condor take out the guy with the remote which kills the drones which means Black Canary will never know if Strix meant to do her harm or not! Who needs a team where the members actually trust each other? Fuck that. Where's the fun? So the mission wraps up with a bunch of captured Basilisk members and, probably, a bunch of dead ones in the rubble created by Canary's Cry. And just like a really good terrible comic book, it ends on the person with a drinking problem making a "joke" about drinking!

How many issues of starring in a really shitty comic constitutes "hitting rock bottom"?

Turds of Prey #17 Rating: -1 Ranking. I think I pointed out everything that was wrong with this issue already. If I went on now, it'd just be to cruelly hurt Mr. Swierczynski's feelings. And I like to pretend that I don't engage in that sort of juvenile display.

Batwoman #17

Come on, Batwoman! It wouldn't have taken Batman 17 issues to save those stupid kids!

This cover looks like a Batwoman Triumphant kind of thing so maybe this is the final issue of a story that basically began in Issue One when La Llorona kidnapped some children. That's a really long story arc but I haven't been hearing people complain about how the story is dragging on. Perhaps that's because I haven't heard many people talking about this comic book. But it seems to be selling pretty well, so that's a very good thing and means I don't have to worry about one of the best comics in The New 52 being cancelled.

Last issue ended with the success of Medusa's plan to summon forth Ceto the Mother of all Monsters. This issue begins with a whole bunch of Gotham residents shitting their pants.

You've got to admire the guts in this lady. I'd say the plan of at least 85% of other DCnU heroes would be to call Batman.

The battle between Flamebird and The Hook ends pretty quickly now that she's installed flamethrowers on her wrists. I had to look her up in my 1990s Who's Who because I couldn't remember if she ever had super powers or not. Turns out she's just another Robinesque sidekick. She's an excellent acrobat and she uses gadgets in her crime fighting. And now she's decided to change her name as well.

Does this signify that she's not a sidekick anymore?

Hawkfire really shouldn't have done that. It's not the guy that's crazy and doing the killing! He's just a victim of the Hook! And now she's set the Hook free! Sure, it's at the bottom of Gotham Bay. But that won't stop it! It'll find somebody to attach to in a few years. In the meantime, the guy without a hand will end up in Arkham having to undergo psychotherapy for crimes he probably won't even be able to remember. But at least he'll remember the name Firehawk! Flamehawk? Hawkbird!

And then on the next page:

See?! Now that's a Bat-villain! CRABHOOK!

Last commentary, I mentioned how awful the monster on monster crime had become in Gotham. And now Abbot the Werewolf, as he backs up Batwoman against Medusa's horde of monsters, thinks basically the same thing. As he charges Medusa, he thinks, "Part of me feels I shouldn't be here. A werewolf, gutting other monsters." But he sticks by Batwoman's side to protect his Gotham from the chaos and destruction which Medusa brings. Too bad Werewolves aren't immune to Stone Gaze. Alas poor Abbot. I didn't know him. Was he a werewolf of limited humor? Um, yeah. Probably.

So this might be my favorite monster in the battle. Chicken Man. Is this a lesbian in-joke?

The last Urban Legend standing in their way before they get to Medusa is Bloody Mary. Which perhaps Medusa and her cohorts didn't think through very well. Since Mary is, you know, made of mirrors? Wonder Woman, Hawkflame, and Batwoman smash Mary into broken bits. Batwoman uses one of the shards to reflect Medusa's gaze back at her. And that's it. Medusa turns to stone and Batwoman smashes the newly formed statue. But they still have the Mother of all Monsters to deal with. Now is it time to call Batman?

Batman wishes!

Ceto explains how her monstrous form was the one her daughter, Medusa, wanted her to take. Ceto herself means no harm to anyone now that her daughter and her daughter's wishes are gone. She just wants people to stop thinking of monsters as monsters. Wait. How does that work?

Wonder Woman doesn't understand how it would work either and wants to kill Ceto. But Batwoman remembers the name of this issue is "Mercy" and stays Wonder Woman's hand.

Do I sense a Naked Sidekick in the works?

And that's very nearly that. Batwoman gathers up all of the children and takes them to Maggie Sawyer so Maggie can bring them in to the Gotham Police Department and finish this up right.

I think that's a damn fine ending for a 17 month story arc.

The last two pages are a tease for the next story line. Mr. Bones wakes Batwoman's sister Beth (Alice) from inside a steampunk medical sarcophagus. When speaking to Beth, Mr. Bones refers to Kate as "our sister" although I can't be sure if it's just a figure of speech or if The New 52 version of Mr. Bones actually knows his biological origin as opposed to just his surrogate daddy, Dr. Love.

Batwoman #17 Rating: +2 Ranking. I wonder if I should read the Preboot Batwoman series before next month's storyline begins?! I'm pretty sure this was one of those comic books where not a lot has changed because of the Reboot. What is it with Gotham and its connection to Wonderland? Half of Batman's villains are Wonderland characters and Batwoman's nemesister has an Alice fixation! I guess it's simply because "they're all crazy here" in Gotham.

Legion of Super-heroes #17

Sometimes I think Giffen's art is stuck in this space where he's emulating aspects of Jack Kirby while parodying aspects of Rob Liefeld.

Legion of Super-heroes still has too many characters I'm not interested in and too many relationships I can't remember. I don't think anybody interested in Legion of Super-heroes reads my commentaries on them. I also don't think anybody not interested in Legion reads my commentaries on them! Legion of Super-heroes gets the least likes and the least responses of any other comic book of The New 52.

Why do I bother continuing to read it?! *sigh* Let's make this quick!

Phantom Girl has crashed on an alien planet and her translator is down, so some aliens show up speaking in a new Alien Font that I need to translate! This may be a tough one since the letters just look like smeared inkblots but I suppose I'm going to now waste more time translating it simply to find the aliens are saying things like, "This is an alien language!" and "Keith Giffen's mother chews used condoms!"

Judging by the last alien quote bubble that I thought I would begin with, I'm not sure this is anything but the entire alphabet of the font spaced out to look like words. It's hard to tell for sure since the letters are so crazy, but it looks like the last speech bubble has 27 letters and only one is repeated one time. So it seems to be a representation of the alphabet with one letter repeated. A few other bubbles have 32 letters, again with a single one repeating once. So numbers as well? Or punctuation. Anyway, that was a good five minutes wasted! Back to the story!

I believe Phantom Girl crashed on the Planet That Never Discovered Dental Hygiene! The putrid smell is probably because the planet's topsoil is composed of rotted teeth.

Phantom Girl survived the crash because she went intangible. Now she begins digging through the ship's rubble to see if any of the other Legion members survived.

What happens when Phantom Girl goes intangible while moving at high velocity? As her mass grows closer and closer to zero (assuming the transition takes some amount of time, even if a microscopic amount), wouldn't her velocity increase? Wouldn't she end up just shooting straight through the planet and into space? How can she stop when she encounters no friction?! When her mass does equal zero, does she just come to a dead stop since her momentum would now be zero? But doesn't that go against some law of thermodynamics? Fucking Tinya Wazoo. You make no Goddamned sense. I guess, once again, I simply just have to suspend my disbelief! Fucking comic books!

I like how such a simple power can be such a super headache when one tries to figure out how it would work according to universal laws. I'm sure I got a lot of shit wrong in my speculation, but you get the point. All she does is become intangible. But ultimately, she's DEFYING GOD'S WILL! And by God I simply mean Universal Law which is totally arbitrary as a rule set to this dimension.

Polar Boy survives by encasing himself in ice. Just as believable a survival method as losing all mass!

And what about Polar Boy's powers?! Isn't one of those laws of thermodynamics something about conservation of heat?! Where does the heat go when he freezes things? I believe he channels the heat through tiny wormholes where it mostly returns somewhere in deep space and dissipates. And occasionally the worm hole opens up in a character from Bleak House.

Where else can you go for Charles Dickens references and fart jokes? Yeah, yeah. The whole fucking rest of the internet, right?

Next Phantom Girl finds Invisible Kid. Good thing he survived or they'd never find his corpse. I wonder how he survived? With the power of invisibility? I think he was cocooned in ice as well. But the last Legion member they find didn't fare so well.

Yay! Maybe I can keep track of all the Legion Members now that they have one less! Let's see...infinity minus one is...DAMMIT!

Elsewhere on a planet that the narrator recognizes (Rimbor!), Ultra Boy, Chameleon Boy, and Glorith Girl are experiencing the same failure of technology that caused Phantom Girl's ship to crash. Perhaps when Phantom Girl's mass neared zero, her velocity neared infinity and she fucking broke the universe. Again. But they did notice one area on Rimbor still with power. Someone must have a gas powered generator made from Alternate Dimensional Technology and thus runs by a different set of Universal Laws!

I think I'm getting the hang of writing futuristic comic book stories!

Back on Somewhere, the little toothless aliens continue to yell the same few alien phrases at Polar Boy. They're probably screaming, "You just fucking crashed on an orphanage, you dicks!" Polar Boy ignores them and continues to walk around moping because Sun Boy is dead. Hey! Maybe that's where the heat went! Polar Boy and Sun Boy fuel each other! That would explain why Polar Boy is so depressed! How is he going to use his powers now? While he's out walking, he discovers a clue as to where they are!

Great! So now I have to believe in "organic rock"?

Back on Rimbor, Chameleon Boy finds evidence that Tharok of the Fatal Five is behind the Universal Power Outage. That's pretty fatal, all right! Ultra Boy, Chameleon Boy, and Glorith Girl are set upon by maintenance robots. But since they're just robots (never mind the advances in artificial intelligence that have made robots of this time self-aware. Probably!), Glorith can turn them into leaves with a spell.

Somebody had better warn Mon-El and his pervy fingers!

And then back on the Promethean Giant, this bit of awesome happens:

So that's what they've been saying this whole time: "Is it okay if we roast and eat your dead friend?"

Since this has been, by far, the best issue of Legion of Super-heroes so far, I hope it doesn't end up being one of Dream Girl's dreams. If all of this is really happening, I wonder if the readers killed Sun Boy? I bet Levitz and his editors (and maybe Giffen too) decided that whichever Legion member received the least votes in the election would be killed and eaten by aliens! Nice job, voters! I didn't vote so this is hardly my fault.

Polar Boy, offended, attacks the aliens and calls them "cannibals." Polar Boy. They're hardly cannibals! Eating Sun Boy is no different from you eating a member of the Legion of Super-cows. Before Polar Boy can throw a punch, the Promethean Giant begins to awaken! The horror!

The issue ends with the new and improved Tharok discussing a Fatal Five reunion with Persuader. But for the moment, they'll just sit back and see if the Legionnaires can make it out of the current predicaments Tharok has forced them into with his technological shenanigans. Also, Validus has just crashed on some planet's surface and he's ready to begin killing things.

Legion of Super-heroes #17 Rating: +2 Ranking. Best issue yet. I'll never dislike an issue of Legion of Super-heroes where their member count drops!