The Rogues #1

How is DC not pitching this as a sitcom?

The Rogues even have a location for the sitcom all set up: the Keystone Saloon! Sure, the name can use a little work. And it might seem a bit derivative of Cheers. But when did Cheers have super villains? That's right. Never. Carla may have been a super asshole and Cliff was a bumbling mega-genius, but they didn't have costumes, so it doesn't count. The other main set could be the jail and the Rogues could just suddenly appear and disappear from one location to the next in a red blur as The Flash captures them or lets them go, depending on how well his Crime Scene Detectivating went. Oh yeah! Barry is CSI! So I suppose if the networks aren't looking for a superhero sitcom, they can always have another CSI spinoff. CSI: Keystone.

Since Mirror Master was not stuck in Mirrorworld during Forever Evil, I expect him to learn how to free himself during this issue or else Geoff Johns is a walking embarrassment. With the hope that that turns out to be true, let's get on with this shit.

That scan is all wonky and I'm not even drunk! I blame the printers!

Mirror Master is currently out of the mirror but this is still the "NOW" of The New 52 Timeline, so we should still expect some flashbacks. My guess is that Mirror Master broke free with the power of love!

That Narration Box by Captain Cold is really awkward. "We look like costumed freaks so that we'll be underestimated"? I would expect people to overestimate a jerk in a flashy costume. And I have experience with being overestimated as Captain Cold!

Wonder Woman just gave up because I was so accurate with my Silly String Freeze Ray.

That's Doom Bunny as Wonder Woman! His wife bought the wig for him and she's apparently the only person in America that has no idea what Wonder Woman looks like.

Back before The Crime Syndicate and Gorilla Grodd Redux, The Rogues were busy trying to strike it rich by robbing a bank. That's a Speed Force Point for me because they were trying to rob the bank by going through a mine! Thus strike it rich! That was probably what Buccellato was going for. Maybe I should split the Speed Force Point with him. Maybe I shouldn't even be discussing Speed Force Points since I stopped using them well over a year ago and now nobody knows what the fuck I'm talking about!

Your starting line-up for tonight's comic!

The Rogues fail to steal ten million dollars because DC doesn't want rich super villains! What good are rich villains? What would motivate them to commit crimes? Even as I began asking that question, I knew it was stupid. Super Villains are always trying to steal as much money as possible. And to steal all that money, they usually spend a fortune on expensive gadgets and cutting edge technology. I suppose once they can afford to build a super secret space satellite, they have to keep committing crimes to pay for the staff and the fuel and the cable, electric, and water bills. It sounds like a stressful job being a super villain. I wouldn't bother even if I had a super power. I'd probably just go out on the street and busk to make enough money to pay for rent and food. And cable, of course.

The morning after The Rogue's celebration for failing to steal ten million dollars but full of self-congratulations for not having accidentally killed a building full of people, Glider decides it's time to rescue Mirror Master from his crappy Mirrorworld. It really does sound like a pretty boring place. Except you can go around watching people have sex. But you probably can't bake cookies.

Glider manages to free Mirror Master by using her Astral Projection somehow. It's all very metaphysical and you probably wouldn't understand the science behind the procedure. Not because you're too stupid but because I can't spell science words at all! You'd just be really confused when I began talking about tacky ions and electroencephalicardigans. I also can't explain the biology of why Glider goes into heart failure after freeing her beau.

Being that Glider is Captain Cold's sister, he throws a temper tantrum because she's dying. He decides to break up the team, get drunk, and go rob a bank.

Oh my god! You Rogues are boring the fuck out of me! "Don't kill anybody!" "Don't let my sister die!" "Don't rob banks while you're drunk!" Whiniest villains ever.

Everybody winds up in Mirrorworld for a gigantic group hug warm fuzzy feel good bullshit moment. Glider may be back in her coma but the rest of the team remains together. And they decide to allow Trickster back in for good measure. Which is where this thing began with the scene from Forever Evil. The team go to the Society meet and greet just like everybody else and then return to Keystone City to take over only to find a stupid monkey has already done it. And then left. Because he apparently has ADHD.

The Rogues #1 Rating: It could be that I'm very, very sleepy but I suspect this issue was just fucking stupid. We did learn how Mirror Master was freed but that was stupid. And we learned that The Rogues allowed Trickster back on the team but who fucking cares? Nothing really happened in this issue except Glider was sidelined and The Rogues ended up in a place where they're ready to fight for Keystone City in what will probably be a really shitty and unnecessary mini-series. That's my summation which is pretty shitty considering I've got major wood for The Rogues Gallery! So disappointingly mundane.