Batman: The Dark Knight #23

I guess last month's one-shot was actually a two-shot! Stupid me and my ability to accept unresolved stories!

Last month's issue ended with Batman saving Commissioner Gordon from Clayface while Clayface looked on from the street in disguise. It's at that point that I declared that story over and that it was pretty decent for a one-shot. I guess I should have known that Batman wouldn't let it end at that! Especially since he's already put Clayface in Arkham about seven times so far in just The New 52 alone.

I might have been exaggerating when I said "seven times" but I don't think by much.

I have a huge--cataclysmically huge, if I may be so inaccurate and bold--problem with people labeling criminals like these as "smart."

First off, it doesn't make somebody smart if they can manipulate the financial system to make themselves lots and lots of money. It makes them a thief. It makes them an asshole. It makes them a cheater. But it doesn't make them smart. You are not a smart person if you get ahead in some kind of game by not following the rules. Not once did I ever play a game of Monopoly where it ended with somebody stealing all the money from the bank and everybody else giving that player a standing ovation, a chorus of "Bravo," and the Nobel Prize for Ingenuity. Beating people at something by manipulating the rules or playing by a different set of rules or by ignoring the rules altogether does not make you smarter than a person who has agreed to play by the rules. It makes you the asshole who doesn't merge until the very end when one lane has been closed. Yes. Bravo. You chose to be a dick. But it doesn't mean other people didn't see that fucking option. They just didn't want to fuck everybody else in the face for their own selfish needs and desires. So fuck everybody who calls a criminal "smart" when they're able to line their pockets at other people's expense. Unless smart is also a synonym for asshole and then, well, I'm okay with that.

I think I concentrated on the wrong part of the first page! I think I was supposed to notice the guy in the Scottish Golf Chauffeur Taxi Nerd Cap melting into a pile of earwax and sliding under the door. I wonder what that's about! I bet he's one of them smart criminals!

The man sliding under the door turns out to be Clayface for anybody not reading DC Comics for the last two hundred years. And if you've been reading Marvel, just imagine The Sandman but without the buzz cut and the nice striped shirt. Boy, I hope I'm correctly remembering what The Sandman looked like in the old Spiderman cartoons from when I was a kid! Those were the ones with the Spiderman theme song that everybody remembers although some people remember the lyrics as Spiderpig now.

Sandface distracts the guards with his "Old Man Trapped in a Closet" routine while Clayman's henchmen storm in and destroy the place. After that, they're all given their pay checks and sent home for the weekend.

Kidding! He kills them all!

I suppose, in comparison, I'd have to go with those other Wall Street criminals as being smart compared to fucking Gotham City Henchmen. Why don't they learn?! I suppose because they're dead. But why don't other Henchmen see that being a Henchman never fucking pays? If people are willing to put up with this kind of treatment to be a Henchman, I can't imagine what kind of horrors the employees at Gotham McDonalds are suffering through. "Hmm, McDonald's Drive Thru Cashier or Henchman for that psychotic madman, The Joker?"

It's right about this time that the Securities Exchange realizes they're going to have to call in the Gotham City Window Repair Union and pay their outrageous prices because Batman appears on the scene. And if Batman has ever walked through a door, I'll eat my cat. I first typed "gone through a door" and realized I was opening myself up to a major technicality since I'm certain he's crashed through a fair number of those as well as windows, walls, and skylights.

Batman saves a woman and the fight gets taken out to the street where cars and hydrants and lots and lots of pavement can be smashed. How can Clayface be so malleable and yet hard as an inmate's cock at the same time?! Hmm, I think I just answered my own question.

Batman has a gun that creates one of those hard plastic tubes that Batman caught Clayface inside of way back in an issue of Batman. I think it was an issue of Batman. It was the one where Clayface turned into Damian for a moment. Anyway, Batman can't quite lock him down because the tube keeps getting hung up on shit, allowing Clayface to throw it off of himself or slip out from under it.

Once again Clayface gets away. But now Batman needs to know how Clayface knows that Natalya had a connection with Batman. I think he may be beginning to panic that his secret identity could be slipping away! He doesn't know it yet but that's okay since Batwoman is going to figure it out next issue. And she'll probably sell it on eBay just for kicks.

Speaking of smart criminals who don't play by the rules, it's The Pen...hmm, I guess "not playing by the rules" is pretty much the definition of a criminal.

Not that I feel everybody needs to play by society's rules! But most people have decided that they're going to honor a certain contract by living in a community because that contract offers safety and peace for everybody. Some shit that thinks he's getting one over by breaking into cars hasn't thought up something that nobody else could have thought up. All that shit is doing is breaking the unspoken contract of community. Basically if you don't fuck with me, I won't fuck with you and we all fucking benefit from not being fucked with. Which is why I think that if you find some little shit breaking into a car, you should be allowed one good kick in their private area or a punch in the tits. Not having female body parts, I'm not sure which one would hurt more for a little female shit.

Later Batman goes to talk with Jim Gordon by using the Reverse Bat Signal Waste of Electricity Approach.

Nothing gets an old man's attention faster than a light having been left on!

Batman smacking Jim around was a nice touch too. Especially after Jim took a swing at him for corrupting Batgirl which ended up in his son "dying." He discusses his plan to capture Clayface which involves everybody dressing up like Batman and scaring Clayface. I think I've seen this in a movie before. Gone with the Wind, maybe? Didn't everybody dress up like General Sherman to scare the South into surrendering?

And it does work! Although y'all look fucking stupid.

Batman: The Dark Knight #23 Rating: +2 Ranking. I really did not expect to enjoy this issue as much as I did. Perhaps I've had a bit too much Clayface for now (and he gets a Villains Month Book! Yay?) lately. But there were some great moments in this thing. Most of which I scanned. So, you know, don't read any of the previous shit if you don't like spoilers.