The Flash #23

I find this cover more sexual than it should be. I think. I haven't read the story yet, so maybe my slight arousal is correct!

I keep wanting to discuss DC's decision to not allow Kate Kane and Maggie Sawyer to marry but I don't currently have a Batwoman comic book commentary to put my thoughts in! And if you think I'm going to write a whole post on something that doesn't relate to a comic book I'm currently reading, thus putting me that much further away from reading Forever Evil, you've got another think coming! Although you should probably not strain yourself with two thinks within minutes of each other. Maybe you should text some friends or play a few levels of Candy Crush before you fire up another cognitive process.

Oh! But I just had another think and realized there won't be another Batwoman comic book for a full month! So I guess I'll just have to tie the thought into The Flash somehow. But I should go smoke a cigarette or walk the dog first because my head hurts from the two thinks I just thunked so closely together.

Okay! So let me begin by saying, "I agree with DC." Now, I don't agree with their decision to not let Kate and Maggie marry. I agree with their seeming corporate policy that marriage is bullshit. I simply don't see the need for most aspects of it in the modern age. But then I never plan to have children either which might be one of the few reasons I would grudgingly concede the argument for marriage. Also if you had a full time job with proper medical benefits and they only allowed your married partner to get the benefits as well, I'd probably go for it there too. Although that's more of a problem with our culture. Long term partners without a certificate should be accepted as marriage partners in all situations that legally would deny them their rights due as loved ones. But I think I'm getting off track.

My issue is that I don't need a government agency or a religious institution telling me who I should spend my life with and what permissions they've so charitably granted me for participating in their State and/or Religious Bonding Program. I was best man at Doom Bunny's wedding (if you're a regular reader, I shouldn't have to explain Doom Buny. If you aren't a regular reader, what the hell is wrong with you?) so I had to give that stupid best man toast thing that seems to be some kind of tradition or something. Luckily the speech came to me in a dream the night before the wedding. Also, I still can't believe Doom Bunny would allow me a soap box to speak at his wedding! Have you read some of the fucked up things that come out of my mouth (or typing hands)? Even though he made a poor decision in choosing his Best Man, I chose the high road and decided not to disparage marriage. So I began my speech by saying all the things about marriage that I had decided not to say like how wedding rings are the ultimate proof of purchase and analogies about spiders and flies and probably some other things I can't remember because I had been drinking a bit and nobody thought to record the speech. Just so you don't think I'm a bigger asshole than you already think I am, I did say some nice stuff too. I think.

It would be more accurate to say I'm not a fan of marriage than to say I'm against marriage. People want to get married? Fine. Go ahead! And I was looking forward to Kate and Maggie getting married because I think that whole dynamic would be brilliant. They're both strong and independent and would be extremely busy in their own lives fighting crime. But those story beats that would revolve around their marriage and making things work and maybe one-upping each other a bit on their jobs would have been a lot of fun. DC is wrong to not let them marry because it's another story that would be interesting, especially when told by good writers like Williams and Blackman. And nothing in comic books last forever anyway! There's no end to any comic book narrative except for Ted Kord's. But marriages do end and that would be a story for the future as well. Most likely it would end in Maggie's death. But then that leaves a new, great story to be told: Batwoman having to take care of Maggie's daughter whom Kate would have probably adopted by then. Can we say sidekick?! Battoddler! Actually, she's older than that but I couldn't resist saying, "Battoddler!"

Anyway, fuck DC and their overbearing editorial out-of-control control. They're going to lose all of their good writers because good writers have stories they want to tell as opposed to bad writers that don't mind telling stories editorial wants to tell mixed with some stories they want to tell so that eventually nothing makes sense because CONTINUITY IS IMPORTANT!

Last month, The Flash was about to be killed by Reverse-Flash when he had to take a break to visit a Jazz Club with Hal Jordan. Well now The Flash is back in the grip of Reverse-Flash and everybody is ready to find out who this fucker is! My theory is that he's Dr. Darwin Elias!

But that's Darwin and Reverse-Flash in the same panel. So my new theory is that it's Dr. Darwin Elias. From the FUTURE!

The Flash has the same problem I have. He thought Reverse-Flash was Elias but now that seems all wrong. But The Flash only has his Speed Mind power to figure shit out while I have whatever I have which is better somehow. It's all very technical and biological and if there are two classes I couldn't stand in college, it was Biology and Technicality.

This scene breaks down all manlike and shit with kicking to the faces and lasers being shot and words being spelled out in shadows. Better than typical comic book stuff but still typical comic book stuff. So I'm pretty excited when the scene shifts to Patty and Iris because women!

Patty is running tests on the DNA sample found on the piece of monorail lost in time. This issue blatantly states it's a blood sample so I guess I have to stop pretending that it was semen. Whatever. Thanks for ruining my fun, DC!

I love how long marriages are always seen as an accomplishment. It's not hard to remain with the person you love! People see this as an accomplishment by their own failures to maintain a relationship because their relationships are generally based on all the wrong things. The problem with most relationships is that they begin and end with sexual attraction. And sexual chemistry is not going to get you through thirty years of conversations over breakfast. Although who really needs conversation when you're rutting in the scrambled eggs, amirite?

After Patty leaves for her parents party, Iris sits around pouting that she never developed Speed Force Powers. Sure you did, Iris! But I bet they're all concentrated in your ova! Which means you'll eventually have a child with Speed Force Powers who will grow rapidly due to the Speed Force Powers and then come back in time as Reverse-Flash! Oh man! I just came up with a new theory! And since Patty's computer now says they've found a match for the semen blood sample, I can find out which of my theories is correct!

If it turns out to be something other than what I said, I'm just going to go back and edit one of my paragraphs to make it look like I guessed that theory too!

Back to the masculine half of the comic book, Reverse-Flash reveals that he wants to move time backwards to change things. He needs to kill all the other people connected to the Speed Force that cause time to move forward. So my third theory is that Reverse-Flash is actually Pre-Flashpoint Barry Allen trying to go back in time and keep his mother from being killed! I think that theory only has a 0.000023*% of being correct. I'm not explaining that asterisk in the notation for all y'all non-regular readers. I'm already pissed off at you for not spending more hours of your day wasting your time on my commentaries. Selfish jerks. Can't you see that my life is important to me?

Proof that DC is correct and relationship junk is stupid. Get back to the punching!

The comic book doesn't get back to the punching immediately. First it heads back to Iris's reaction to the DNA result and my final theory about Reverse-Flash, Serial Killer from the Future.

The only reason she'd get so emotional is if the DNA sample was her brother. His DNA would be on file for such a quick match because he's a convict. He wants to go back in time to keep whatever happened that sent him to prison from happening. Although I'm not sure how he got caught up in the Speed Force by being on the Monorail. I know it took a trip to Mirrorland but Speed Force World?

Perhaps the computer just pulled Iris's brother's (was his name Billy? I forget!) DNA as matching because it doesn't have Iris's future evil super baby on file. And Iris apparently gets impregnated by her brother. Hmm, this theory might be starting to get unsupportable.

So Iris's power comes out now and it looks like it might be the ability to stop time although it's hard to tell from a static comic book panel! But if she can stop time that makes her, technically and biologically, faster than The Flash!

The Flash and Reverse-Flash speed out of the city to go fight in those Salt Flats because who wants to draw a bunch of buildings in the background while you draw people punching each other? Boring! And Dr. Elias follows them out of town on what is apparently the fastest fucking motorbike in existence. He wants to shoot him with his laser thing because it will extract their speed powers and give them to Dr. Elias. I think I forgot about that part since last month.

In the ensuing melee, Reverse-Flash gets his hands on Elias's power draining laser and is about to shoot The Flash in the face and take his powers when...well, I don't know what. I did turn the page to find out but it was two advertisements for Forever Evil on facing pages! That sometimes happens in these books with fancy shmancy panel layouts and page designs. So now I have to wait a whole page turning second longer to find out if Iris West saves The Flash!

And she does! Because she's the fasteresterest because she can stop time! Or maybe she's just super fast.

Oh yeah. His name is Daniel.

I don't think I actually get credit for guessing the identity of Reverse-Flash after the writers basically have told me the identity of Reverse-Flash with the Iris scene. I wonder if I had already guessed Danial in a previous commentary? Who can remember?! Usually when I have to guess at some mystery, I just speculate as much as possible because on of my theories has to end up being correct. And then I can just link back to the commentary where I guessed right and prove my Master Comic Book Readerness!

Anyway, Iris blocks the laser blast which means she probably has her powers sucked away immediately after discovering them. That's okay. There were already too many speedsters. She also might be dead! But I doubt she's dead. Barry has to dump Patty and marry Iris at some point in the future. Oops! I mean have a long-term, uncommitted, on-again, off-again adventurous and drama-filled relationship with Iris.

The issue ends with Reverse-Flash reversing shit and some weird shit going down in Shittown. It's possible Daniel West was involved in Barry's mom's murder somehow because of his time travel shenanigans and also because all this shit has to fit together somehow! It's not like he's going to want to change the past because of something connected with Aquaman's life!

The Flash #23 Rating: +3 Ranking. Look, it's been twenty-three issues. How many times can I say, "The Flash is consistently one of the best written and best drawn comic books of The New 52"? That isn't funny at all! So stop making me say it, Manapul and Buccellato! Fuck up once in awhile so I can compare you to Scott Lobdell!