Futures End: The Flash #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, as Goggles McDeathhurt and her lost tribe wander the Dusty Stretches, Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea returns to the internet! Because Tess doesn't have a voice for radio and, anyway, the radio source could be tracked and somebody might not take too kindly to his not being dead like he's supposed to be. So Tess found a shitty little terminal still hooked up to an anemic internet with just the barest hints of life, somehow kept alive by super nerds spread across the globe. I don't know how it all works! I just write comic book fiction about comic book fiction! Logic hasn't merely been thrown out the window. It's been castrated, eviscerated, sodomoderated, and left to bleed out in the gutter. Also, logic is male, apparently. I mean, duh!

Hey loneliest of loneliest souls! Greetings from the Underworld. That's a joke about how I'm supposed to be dead because that woman with the crazy eyes and the broad shoulders and the swimming goggles tangled up in her wild hair supposedly stuck me like your morning breakfast was stuck before it was processed and shipped and sold and cooked and turned into your morning breakfast. Also it's a clue to my whereabouts which are underground! So far underground that you'd never find me even if you were a master spelunker. Master Spelunker isn't quite as clever as Master Debater or Cunning Linguist. Actually, it isn't clever at all. It's just two words that I put one after the other to describe something relatively mundane. Anyway, I have a comic book to read!

It's the Futures End version of The Flash and I wanted to read it today because our theme today is running! As The Flash television show once said so adroitly: "We are all running. Sometimes we're running from something. Sometimes we're running to something." So true! And profound! Sometimes when I'm just sitting, my nose begins running! Sometimes it runs a goddamned marathon! But before I read The Flash comic book, I want to present an essay I wrote a few days ago but I was feeling nervous and vulnerable about posting it so I didn't post it and now I'm going to post it because I think vulnerable people need to feel inspired by the idea that other people feel vulnerable. Take special note of the parts where I explain how much sex I've had throughout my life.

My Not At All Plagiarized Or Stolen Or Satirical Or Mean-Spirited Parody of Somebody Else's Essay
By Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea and not anybody else. Seriously.

I have had a privileged life. I mean, I haven't really. Not in the way white males think people mean privileged. But I'm white and male so I need to say I have led a privileged life because, you know! It's much easier to live without everybody telling me who I'm supposed to be or who I'm supposed to hate or how I can't have all the sex that I love to have. So at least I get to be me without any interference from society around me. I mean, mostly! Obviously I live in society (and have loads of sex in it) so it's going to be a jerk to me and scare me all the time because I have scaredy cat issues. But I didn't know I had scaredy cat issues until this woman who totally jerked me off while her fist was in my ass told me that I had scaredy cat issues. That was a good day. I mean, weeks! We totally did that for weeks.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm super vulnerable and it might look like I'm white and a man but life is still hard because it's hard for everybody even if it's harder for other people but, you know, it's still hard for me too! Like my dick when chicks are all up on it!

But I also cry and stuff although I didn't used to cry but now I cry but I'm ashamed of crying because of the white and male thing earlier, remember? But I think I'm also broken because didn't Douglas Coupland constantly write like twenty novels a day about how white suburban males are totally lost and broken? Hey! That's me and stuff! Plus all the sex. Remember the sex I constantly have. Not that that makes my life any easier. I'm still very vulnerable, of course!

And people need to know that they're not the only ones who feel vulnerable because this shit is easy but it's really hard, see? Inspiring! I probably should have said "inspire" a few times. But also "lonely" and "alone" and "together alone" and "deep throated throughout my thirties." Stuff like that would have made this more tear jerkery! Anyway, thanks for listening about how vulnerable and thoroughly sexed I am even though I'm a white male! The end!

See how we're all running? Or something! Hey look! A comic book!

What good is running fast if you lose time while running fast? You might as well just walk everywhere!

Reverse-Flash has escaped from prison but Forward-Flash is on the other side of the planet. So he isn't going to be able to stop Reverse-Flash from killing Wally West and crippling Iris West. Not that he knows that that's going to happen since he's The Flash and not The Psychic. But The Flash from thirty-five fifteen years in the future knows that it's going to happen so he's come back in time to stop it from happening. If he can time travel, what does it matter if he loses time? I think Flash needs to work on his interactions with reality and comic book logic.

Why does everybody in this comic book wear clothes that are five sizes too small for them? Oh, I remember why! Because Brett Booth is drawing it!

Future-Flash breaks the neck of Reverse-Flash because who hasn't been wanting to do that since Daniel West first appeared in this comic book! Pouty, whiny, woe is me asshole! Get a job! Preferably one that could really use a guy that can go backwards in time. Like maybe an executive at a Hollywood Movie Studio so you can see what movies are big hits then go back in time and produce them before the original person produces them.

Future-Flash also manages to save Iris and Wally.

All of their clothing is so goddamned fucking tight!

Forward-Flash is angry that Future-Flash broke Reverse-Flash's neck. He's all, "I didn't see that coming!" And Future-Flash is all, "He just ran out of time!" And Forward-Flash is all, "Stop running your mouth!" And Future-Flash is all, "Why couldn't Reverse-Flash urinate after having already pissed three times that day? Because he hit his Peed Limit!" And Forward-Flash is all, "Noooooo!" And Wally was all, "Holy shit! I can't wait to be Black-Flash so I can tell jokes all of the time!"

Future-Flash has determined that the Speed Force is broken because it was used in the wrong way. The only way it was supposed to be used was a very strict way which was Barry running really fast which was the only way to fix the Speed Force which naturally tends to break if left to its own devices. Or if used incorrectly. Or if stared at too long in a lascivious manner. Now the only way to fix the Speed Force is to travel back in time so that it breaks but it's also unbreaking because it wasn't as broken in the past even though traveling to the past is totally breaking it like crazy. Or something. I think the main thing is this: Forward-Flash must die! But not this version of him! The version of him five years prior to this one. I think. Since the cover of Issue #35 shows Forward-Flash fighting Future-Flash again.

I guess I should be calling this Futures End Forward-Flash "Not-Quite-As-Futury-As-Future-Flash-Flash." Except that doesn't really roll off the keyboard. And it doesn't make a clever acronym either.

Here's how you could have expended less effort: not stopped at all these pit stops along the way and just went straight back to your target time to kill The Flash which would have caused a chain reaction and stopped all the other things from happening as well.

Forward-Flash and Future-Flash cause some kind of feedback loop because as we all know you can't interact with yourself when time traveling! It's just bad news all the way around! Especially since you'll never be able to get the image of coming all over your duplicate's face out of your head. After the feedback loop causes an explosion spiral, Future-Flash is gone, Forward-Flash has half of his face melted, and Wally is now The Flash everybody but nobody has been waiting for. You know what I mean! He's the reboot version of a beloved prankster! And he doesn't have red hair. Obviously not the same character if he doesn't have red hair. Plus this Wally is a juvenile delinquent! Not because he's black! Because he just is! Or something.

Oh, don't worry about it. This moment of time has already ceased to exist! Probably. I mean, all of these moments will have already been excised from the future! Because Future-Flash will be defeated and Forward-Flash will fix the Speed Force and none of this will have ever already have been happening. Or something.

Hey! Have I mentioned how much I hate bad time travel stories and plots that depend on alternate future timelines?! I have? Oh, okay. Carry on.

Future-Flash arrives in the now to battle Now-Flash and, probably, Black-Flash. Just imagine how big that feedback loop will be! That wasn't a racial joke about the stereotypical size of a black man's junk. I guess it could have been if you thought that and found it funny. But it wasn't and if you found it offensive, it especially wasn't.

Futures End: The Flash #1 Rating: Wait. Am I still doing these rankings in the future? I think I stopped doing those like four years and eleven months ago!

The Flash #23

I find this cover more sexual than it should be. I think. I haven't read the story yet, so maybe my slight arousal is correct!

I keep wanting to discuss DC's decision to not allow Kate Kane and Maggie Sawyer to marry but I don't currently have a Batwoman comic book commentary to put my thoughts in! And if you think I'm going to write a whole post on something that doesn't relate to a comic book I'm currently reading, thus putting me that much further away from reading Forever Evil, you've got another think coming! Although you should probably not strain yourself with two thinks within minutes of each other. Maybe you should text some friends or play a few levels of Candy Crush before you fire up another cognitive process.

Oh! But I just had another think and realized there won't be another Batwoman comic book for a full month! So I guess I'll just have to tie the thought into The Flash somehow. But I should go smoke a cigarette or walk the dog first because my head hurts from the two thinks I just thunked so closely together.

Okay! So let me begin by saying, "I agree with DC." Now, I don't agree with their decision to not let Kate and Maggie marry. I agree with their seeming corporate policy that marriage is bullshit. I simply don't see the need for most aspects of it in the modern age. But then I never plan to have children either which might be one of the few reasons I would grudgingly concede the argument for marriage. Also if you had a full time job with proper medical benefits and they only allowed your married partner to get the benefits as well, I'd probably go for it there too. Although that's more of a problem with our culture. Long term partners without a certificate should be accepted as marriage partners in all situations that legally would deny them their rights due as loved ones. But I think I'm getting off track.

My issue is that I don't need a government agency or a religious institution telling me who I should spend my life with and what permissions they've so charitably granted me for participating in their State and/or Religious Bonding Program. I was best man at Doom Bunny's wedding (if you're a regular reader, I shouldn't have to explain Doom Buny. If you aren't a regular reader, what the hell is wrong with you?) so I had to give that stupid best man toast thing that seems to be some kind of tradition or something. Luckily the speech came to me in a dream the night before the wedding. Also, I still can't believe Doom Bunny would allow me a soap box to speak at his wedding! Have you read some of the fucked up things that come out of my mouth (or typing hands)? Even though he made a poor decision in choosing his Best Man, I chose the high road and decided not to disparage marriage. So I began my speech by saying all the things about marriage that I had decided not to say like how wedding rings are the ultimate proof of purchase and analogies about spiders and flies and probably some other things I can't remember because I had been drinking a bit and nobody thought to record the speech. Just so you don't think I'm a bigger asshole than you already think I am, I did say some nice stuff too. I think.

It would be more accurate to say I'm not a fan of marriage than to say I'm against marriage. People want to get married? Fine. Go ahead! And I was looking forward to Kate and Maggie getting married because I think that whole dynamic would be brilliant. They're both strong and independent and would be extremely busy in their own lives fighting crime. But those story beats that would revolve around their marriage and making things work and maybe one-upping each other a bit on their jobs would have been a lot of fun. DC is wrong to not let them marry because it's another story that would be interesting, especially when told by good writers like Williams and Blackman. And nothing in comic books last forever anyway! There's no end to any comic book narrative except for Ted Kord's. But marriages do end and that would be a story for the future as well. Most likely it would end in Maggie's death. But then that leaves a new, great story to be told: Batwoman having to take care of Maggie's daughter whom Kate would have probably adopted by then. Can we say sidekick?! Battoddler! Actually, she's older than that but I couldn't resist saying, "Battoddler!"

Anyway, fuck DC and their overbearing editorial out-of-control control. They're going to lose all of their good writers because good writers have stories they want to tell as opposed to bad writers that don't mind telling stories editorial wants to tell mixed with some stories they want to tell so that eventually nothing makes sense because CONTINUITY IS IMPORTANT!

Last month, The Flash was about to be killed by Reverse-Flash when he had to take a break to visit a Jazz Club with Hal Jordan. Well now The Flash is back in the grip of Reverse-Flash and everybody is ready to find out who this fucker is! My theory is that he's Dr. Darwin Elias!

But that's Darwin and Reverse-Flash in the same panel. So my new theory is that it's Dr. Darwin Elias. From the FUTURE!

The Flash has the same problem I have. He thought Reverse-Flash was Elias but now that seems all wrong. But The Flash only has his Speed Mind power to figure shit out while I have whatever I have which is better somehow. It's all very technical and biological and if there are two classes I couldn't stand in college, it was Biology and Technicality.

This scene breaks down all manlike and shit with kicking to the faces and lasers being shot and words being spelled out in shadows. Better than typical comic book stuff but still typical comic book stuff. So I'm pretty excited when the scene shifts to Patty and Iris because women!

Patty is running tests on the DNA sample found on the piece of monorail lost in time. This issue blatantly states it's a blood sample so I guess I have to stop pretending that it was semen. Whatever. Thanks for ruining my fun, DC!

I love how long marriages are always seen as an accomplishment. It's not hard to remain with the person you love! People see this as an accomplishment by their own failures to maintain a relationship because their relationships are generally based on all the wrong things. The problem with most relationships is that they begin and end with sexual attraction. And sexual chemistry is not going to get you through thirty years of conversations over breakfast. Although who really needs conversation when you're rutting in the scrambled eggs, amirite?

After Patty leaves for her parents party, Iris sits around pouting that she never developed Speed Force Powers. Sure you did, Iris! But I bet they're all concentrated in your ova! Which means you'll eventually have a child with Speed Force Powers who will grow rapidly due to the Speed Force Powers and then come back in time as Reverse-Flash! Oh man! I just came up with a new theory! And since Patty's computer now says they've found a match for the semen blood sample, I can find out which of my theories is correct!

If it turns out to be something other than what I said, I'm just going to go back and edit one of my paragraphs to make it look like I guessed that theory too!

Back to the masculine half of the comic book, Reverse-Flash reveals that he wants to move time backwards to change things. He needs to kill all the other people connected to the Speed Force that cause time to move forward. So my third theory is that Reverse-Flash is actually Pre-Flashpoint Barry Allen trying to go back in time and keep his mother from being killed! I think that theory only has a 0.000023*% of being correct. I'm not explaining that asterisk in the notation for all y'all non-regular readers. I'm already pissed off at you for not spending more hours of your day wasting your time on my commentaries. Selfish jerks. Can't you see that my life is important to me?

Proof that DC is correct and relationship junk is stupid. Get back to the punching!

The comic book doesn't get back to the punching immediately. First it heads back to Iris's reaction to the DNA result and my final theory about Reverse-Flash, Serial Killer from the Future.

The only reason she'd get so emotional is if the DNA sample was her brother. His DNA would be on file for such a quick match because he's a convict. He wants to go back in time to keep whatever happened that sent him to prison from happening. Although I'm not sure how he got caught up in the Speed Force by being on the Monorail. I know it took a trip to Mirrorland but Speed Force World?

Perhaps the computer just pulled Iris's brother's (was his name Billy? I forget!) DNA as matching because it doesn't have Iris's future evil super baby on file. And Iris apparently gets impregnated by her brother. Hmm, this theory might be starting to get unsupportable.

So Iris's power comes out now and it looks like it might be the ability to stop time although it's hard to tell from a static comic book panel! But if she can stop time that makes her, technically and biologically, faster than The Flash!

The Flash and Reverse-Flash speed out of the city to go fight in those Salt Flats because who wants to draw a bunch of buildings in the background while you draw people punching each other? Boring! And Dr. Elias follows them out of town on what is apparently the fastest fucking motorbike in existence. He wants to shoot him with his laser thing because it will extract their speed powers and give them to Dr. Elias. I think I forgot about that part since last month.

In the ensuing melee, Reverse-Flash gets his hands on Elias's power draining laser and is about to shoot The Flash in the face and take his powers when...well, I don't know what. I did turn the page to find out but it was two advertisements for Forever Evil on facing pages! That sometimes happens in these books with fancy shmancy panel layouts and page designs. So now I have to wait a whole page turning second longer to find out if Iris West saves The Flash!

And she does! Because she's the fasteresterest because she can stop time! Or maybe she's just super fast.

Oh yeah. His name is Daniel.

I don't think I actually get credit for guessing the identity of Reverse-Flash after the writers basically have told me the identity of Reverse-Flash with the Iris scene. I wonder if I had already guessed Danial in a previous commentary? Who can remember?! Usually when I have to guess at some mystery, I just speculate as much as possible because on of my theories has to end up being correct. And then I can just link back to the commentary where I guessed right and prove my Master Comic Book Readerness!

Anyway, Iris blocks the laser blast which means she probably has her powers sucked away immediately after discovering them. That's okay. There were already too many speedsters. She also might be dead! But I doubt she's dead. Barry has to dump Patty and marry Iris at some point in the future. Oops! I mean have a long-term, uncommitted, on-again, off-again adventurous and drama-filled relationship with Iris.

The issue ends with Reverse-Flash reversing shit and some weird shit going down in Shittown. It's possible Daniel West was involved in Barry's mom's murder somehow because of his time travel shenanigans and also because all this shit has to fit together somehow! It's not like he's going to want to change the past because of something connected with Aquaman's life!

The Flash #23 Rating: +3 Ranking. Look, it's been twenty-three issues. How many times can I say, "The Flash is consistently one of the best written and best drawn comic books of The New 52"? That isn't funny at all! So stop making me say it, Manapul and Buccellato! Fuck up once in awhile so I can compare you to Scott Lobdell!