Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #11 (Third Week of February 2018)

 

E!TACT! #11
Detective Comics #973, Trixie Belden, Deathstork Annual #1, Detective Comics Annual #1, Swamp Thing Winter Special #1, Dark Nights: Metal #5, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy

Detective Comics #973
By Tynion IV, Merino, and Wright
I'm no detective but I've been looking into The Mystery of the Dumb American Populace and I'm ready to finger a culprit! Because the mystery was really boring and now I'm horny! Although fingering the culprit will probably just make me hornier. What I should have declared was that I'm ready to stick my genitalia into a well-lubed orifice of a culprit. After that, I should be ready to do some research on this mystery. Although from what I've learned while researching this mystery, it seems the people who claim they've done their own research are usually the dumbest people in the comment thread. What they mean by "I've studied this for years" or "I don't take anybody's word for it and investigate on my own" is that they listen to conspiracy YouTube channels while distrusting any source that concludes things they aren't willing to believe. Usually the third thing out of the mouths of the "I've studied and researched and investigated" people is "Snopes is bullshit." Mostly because Snopes often disproves the things they want to believe and Snopes actually lists all of its sources. That makes it different from the conspiracy YouTube channel that these people rely on where you'll only hear the word "source" if somebody misspeaks while talking about a horse.

Currently one of the worst sources for the Dumb American Populace is Wikileaks. This is because it feeds their conspiracy-laden fever dreams with all manner of confirmation bias. Remember when Wikileaks was trying to destabilize America by reaching out to the leftists and liberals? Remember when they released all that war footage showing the American military killing civilians and news people and other maddening crap? That wasn't about making the American populace more aware of the atrocities the American military commits while "protecting freedom." It was more about dividing this nation. But what Wikileaks learned was that while they could enrage the left with actual horrendous footage, that was about as far as they could take that campaign. People on the left were just, in general, more skeptical and less willing to buy into flagrant propaganda and conspiratorial innuendo. Unless it was about aliens or Bigfoot, I mean. But they soon found fertile ground in the right's ability to believe anything at all. Especially the bigots already worked up into a frothing madness by Fox News's constant character assassination of President Obama. So now dumb people were becoming even dumber as everything they've always felt in their stupid guts was being confirmed by online sources.

Not that Wikileaks is the only place where the real fake news originated (before Donald Trump, seizing upon the only argument anybody on the right ever seems to seize upon: blame other people for that thing which you have done or are doing). The Russians also saw an opportunity to destabilize the United States by the power of dumb people. Using a tactic deployed with great success in Mexican elections, they began to use social media to lie to and enrage as many idiots as they could. And this didn't just affect conservative idiots. They also realized they could split the democratic party by enraging a bunch of misogynist nerds into hate fucking Hillary supporters all over the Internet. I think I used "hate fucking" incorrectly but I don't care and I don't have an editor. So go hate fuck yourself. Um, so, they targeted Bernie Sanders' supporters, making sure those idiots helped elect Trump by getting them so angry about never having put their penis inside of a vagina that they would never vote for Clinton.

It's pretty easy to see how dumb people have allowed themselves to grow even dumber in their stupid confidence thanks to online propaganda. I wish it were possible to identify those people who voted for Hillary Clinton so that I could tell the difference between those who were responsible adults who knew the best thing that could happen for the United States and those who were complete and utter dopes. Just to be clear, the dopes were those who didn't vote for Clinton. Nice try turning my words back on me, you dumb-dumb failed comedians who think you're witty but are just angry at your own failures and lack of charisma! That would be conservatives! I hate having to explain myself every other line. I probably won't have to after this newsletter because all of my dumb-dumb conservative readers just clutched their pearls and unsubscribed.

Obviously these are just my opinions and not the official policy of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! Official policy would need actual research and as I pointed out earlier, I don't do research. Research is for morons! Except in cases where it isn't, like in the pursuit of actual knowledge. And by actual knowledge, I don't mean "What happened to Building 7?"

It's weird that I began that line of reasoning with "I'm no detective." I completely forgot that I totally am a detective, having taken the "Trixie Belden's So You Want To Be The World's Greatest Detective Home Course." It's possible I never quite finished the course but I think I finished enough to find my way around a mystery involving a seemingly haunted house or the disappearance of some kid's piggy bank.

This is what happens in this issue. Clayface is shot in the head by Batwoman while Cassandra's eyes melt out of her head.

Rating: This is it! This is the event that turns Tim into an interesting character! At least that's what the last few Detective Comics stories have been warning us about. Batwoman would do something drastic that would make Tim become Batman with a gun. But we all know what he'll really become, right? RIGHT?! Good children. Yes, that's exactly right. A vampire that eventually comes back from the future as the child molester Harvest!


Trixie Belden's So You Want to be the World's Greatest Detective Home Course Lesson #5
Before we get on with the next lesson, let's take a quick walk down memory lane by rereading Lesson #5:

I've been falling behind on my Trixie Belden's So You Want To Be The World's Greatest Detective Home Course classes, so I should probably do one of those now since I have no pressing political or social issues to talk about. I think we've solved them all! Let's all go outside and hug someone to show that we've done it! We've fixed the world! Now nobody ever has to append some comment with "It's 2015 for fuck's sake!" Now everybody can say, "It's 2015 and everything is cool!" I bet people have been saying "It's [whatever year it is] for darn tootin's sake!" for centuries! "How are doctors still getting the four humours confused? It's 1822 for fuck's sake!"

I was also joking about going outside and hugging somebody. We haven't actually fixed every social ill so if you try that, you might get shot in the face.

Time to take Course #5! It's a mystery story called "The Guest" and it's copyright Trixie Belden!

Trixie Belden had her arms full of lesbian pornography when she rang the doorbell of the Madame's House.

"Well, hi!" said Honey Wheeler, Trixie's teenaged lover, who opened the door. She took the pornography from Trixie's arms and casually slid the back of her hand across Trixie's breasts as she did so. The way Trixie's nipple instantly grew hard against her skin made Honey's labia swell. "What's up? You look like a traveling library."

"I had to do a paper about the European history of same sex pornography, and Jim loaned these to me," Trixie said as she wiped her hands diligently on the front of her skirt. "Is the pervert home? I promised I'd return them when I finished."

Before Honey could kiss Trixie open mouthed, a slim dark-haired man came down the stairs. He paused when Honey turned toward him, blushing.

"Trixie, this is our guest, Mr. Ivannascrewu," Honey said.

The man pulled his penis out of his pants. It was misshapen and semi-erect. Trixie grimaced, looked at Honey, and mouthed, "What the fuck?"

"Mr. Ivannascrewu met our friends, the Bronsons, in Paris," Honey explained to Trixie's satisfaction. She'd heard about Paris! Ooh la la! "They asked him to call my parents." Trixie looked confused and horny because Honey's statement didn't make sense and she was exuding a delicious, pre-intimate scent which Trixie was all too familiar with.

"And I am most happy to oblige," said the man about the call to the parents which still didn't seem to make any sense and Trixie was really hoping Honey would explain better. Or maybe Honey would just shove her tongue up Trixie's womanly font of sensual aromas and Trixie could just forget about this weirdness.

The man spoke again in a strong accent: "Mrs. Wheeler was so kind to ask me to stay here in this beautiful place. I travel much on business, and one gets tired of hotels. But brothels? Oh! Oh! My penis stiffens at the very thought!" I noticed, thought Trixie as she felt her breakfast working its way back up her gullet.

"The Madame's House is beautiful," Trixie agreed. "Is your home in Paris?" Trixie wasn't even aware that she'd pulled out her pad and pencil and was taking notes. Always the consummate (and consummating!) detective!

"It is now, but it was not always so," Mr. Ivannascrewu told her. "I was born in Romania, in a village in the Carpathian Mountains."

"The Carpathians?" Trixie brightened up and Honey Wheeler realized she might as well put away her metaphorical dick. She knew when Trixie's mind had gone from clit tickling to full blown detectivating! "Isn't Dracula's castle in the Carpathians?"

"Dracula?" For an instant, the guest looked around for a place to flee. Then he laughed. "Ah, yes. The vampire count that is totally not me that some so-clever person totally made up because he isn't real and isn't here or anything so silly. His penis was totally straight, did you know that? I think I may have possibly heard of this 'Draguler,' was it? Sometimes in Europe, they still show the motion pictures in the theaters. But if you will excuse me, please? I am keeping Mr. and Mrs. Wheeler tied up. Ha ha. Figuratively, of course!"

Mr. Ivannascrewu put his penis away and went into the blowing room. A moment later, Trixie heard him fucking Honey's parents.

"Honey!" Trixie said in low, sexy tones. "I think your mother should telephone the Bronsons right away and ask how well they know that man's penis. I think he's a fake!"

Why did Trixie suspect Wheelers' guest?

Trixie probably suspected the guest was a bloodsucking vampire because his shirt was covered in blood and gore and because he lisped (although I forgot to write the lisp into his dialogue) and he was steaming from the sunlight coming in the windows. None of the things I mentioned were also mentioned in the story though so I don't know how Trixie figured out the guy was a vampire. I think I finally failed a class! I'd better read the answer!

Any true Romanian would know that Count Dracula was a real person who lived in the Carpathians centuries ago, and that he was not simply a character in a book and a motion picture.

Wait. What? That's how she figured out that this guy was a confidence man from New Jersey?! I guess what this course is teaching me is that I shouldn't base my suspicions on facts but on my own gut instincts after which I can make up facts to show how my gut instincts weren't just gut instincts but based in some kind of logical deduction of the facts presented. I think Trixie just got lucky this time! She probably, intuitively, realized his accent was completely bogus and he sounded more like some guy from the Jersey Shore than a real, honest-to-goodness vampire like he was pretending to not be! Even though I didn't solve this mystery, I think I learned an important lesson about fingering any old suspect for a crime no matter what the evidence shows. Sometimes you'll get lucky! And sometimes it won't matter because who cares if you caught the right person as long as the public thinks you did! I'm going to be a great detective in no time!

Wow! That was way better than I remembered! What a sexy story. It's so sexy that maybe I'm a bit sleepy now. I guess I'll save Lesson #6 for the next newsletter. And maybe I'll make it interactive so that everybody has a chance to figure out the answer!


Deathstork Annual #1
By Priest, Cowan, Sienkiewicz, and Cox

I wasn't sure I was going to comment on this one because it's an annual and, really, I'm just trying to get some of these comic books out of the stack. But then speaking of stacks, I really wanted to scan this picture:

Does that segue work or should I have been talking about racks? I could have at least said something about my comics being stacked, I guess. Maybe I'm getting lazy.

I'm not a fan of women drawn with flat Barbie pudenda. Where's the lady bulge? That lady bulge is some sexy stuff. It's like, "Here's all the good junk!" I can't believe there wasn't more lady bulge on television in the seventies and eighties. Remember all the nipples through t-shirts? Those were some good years! If television promised to also show men in tight shorts so you could make out some details down there, can we go back to seeing more women nipples and lady bulges? HBO got it right by making sure women get to see some schlong during their shows even though the shlong to titty ratio is still pretty out of whack. The penis to vagina ratio doesn't quite even out either. Although that might be more fair because when you see vagina, you're really just seeing the merkin pasted over all the good bits. Maybe that's just to compensate for never seeing an erect penis. Although that slave with the huge penis in Rome had to be pretty erect, right? It was just weighed down by all the jewelry and penis-cuffs so that it wasn't pointing straight in the air doing the Joey.

Speaking of Joey, I should reintroduce my Friends reviews! Those were fun. I mean, the writing them was fun. The watching each show was painful. Of course, the pain is what really spoke to me. It really shines through in the reviews.

For some reason that I haven't been able to parse, Deathstork decided to stop killing. I think it happened during that truly terrible time travel crossover with the Titans. He realized love wins or something equally stupid. Tony S. Daniel's recent version of Deathstork was terrible but at least he had a running count of kills in the near quadruple digits. For the life of me, I can't see the point in a Deathstork that has decided killing is wrong. What are Priest and editorial thinking? Does this make him more Teen Rated? Did somebody at DC suddenly decide violence was too terrible for a main character? That perhaps it shouldn't be glorified even in a series where the main character is the best mercenary for hire in the DC Universe? I mean, it can't be that, can it?

Especially when they've decided that this is still canon. But, then again, I guess he quit statutory raping as well.

This reeks of editorial interference. Remember when Red Hood stopped killing because . . . well, I don't really know why DC made that decision either. Fully seventy-five percent of his character was that he killed to make the world a better place because Batman was a total pussy. What the hell was he when he stopped killing? Just another Bat-kid? Except one that used a gun. Poorly, by the way. Why even bother to use a gun when you're not going to kill the target? At least Slade is using "tranquilizer" ammunition with red gel packs that burst on impact in his gun so it looks like he's killing everybody. Which simply makes me think nobody reminded the artist that Deathstork has stopped killing so editorial had to alter the dialogue to remind readers that nobody died. "Oh, um, yeah. About that guy's head exploding in the previous panel. Deathstork used, um, Ich Luger bullets! They're like tranquilizers. Only they break the surface of the skin, enough to cause a little blood but no real damage." Then the reader was all, "Oh! Okay. Cool! I get it. Now I can enjoy my mineral water without worry!"

Earlier in the issue, Bolt was shot in the chest by a sniper and blood splattered out the back of him. He reappears saying, "My teleportation armor is bullet resistant, Slade." Is that all the evidence I need to prove my altered dialogue theory from the previous paragraph? Now I'm picturing myself in court slam dunking a basketball while the jury cheers. Later, they all give me oral sex during my closing argument because I'm so good at law. The defense attorney jumps up and screams, "Objection! The prosecutor is making a total farce of the justice system." But the judge has her hands down the front of her robe and she's all, "Um, mmm. Overruled. I'm going to allow whatever this is. Victory, I guess?" Then I come rainbows and end injustice across the globe.

It's too bad I hate lawyers because I could probably save the world. Also I can't slam dunk so I'd have to devise some other physical metaphor for how devastating my arguments can be. Maybe a yo-yo trick?

Of course Robin vetoed Skitters. She was a terrible concept. Scott Lobdell hit that reverse home run right into the park it was so bad. That burn made more sense when I workshopped it to a three year old this morning.

That was just a minor interlude at Teen Titans Headquarters where Beast Boy worries about people looking at his butt while in costume. Although he doesn't seem to worry about people looking at his butthole and his balls and everything else that swings about on display when he transforms into an elephant or a goat.

Back to Deathstork's story, we see he eventually falls back on the crutches of killing.

I think. I mean, that's exactly what the artist's rendition of a person being shot in the head with an Ich Luger bullet looked like earlier. It's a good thing AI Wintergreen was there to tell the reader this was an actual kill.

Later, Wally discovers Tanya killed herself. Why? Because she wasn't as Christian as she thought she was, I guess. She was all, "Deathstork killed my dog and lots of other people but I guess I'll work with him. But I won't have a homosexual fucking in my house. Although I'm going to try to fuck Wally in my house. I'm so confused. I guess as a Christian, suicide is forgivable, right? I guess I'll do that."

Mostly I think Power Girl kills herself because she wasn't as exciting as DC Comics hoped she would be. Also she refused to wear the Boob Window outfit. Fucking sacrilege, that is. Unless I mean blasphemy. How should I know? I'm an atheist.

Slade loved the new Power Girl? Is that why he stopped killing? To prove to her he was good enough to have statutory rape with?

After those previous panels, Slade and Adeline punch each other in the face until they grief-fuck.

Rating: I guess Deathstork's Defiance program failed with the death of Power Girl (who didn't really die, by the way. She just became trapped in an interdimensional void with original Power Girl because Wally West fucked up her rescue attempt) which also means Deathstork will go back to killing? I hope he does because I still don't understand why he decided to stop. Not for story reasons or for overall editorial changes to the character. It doesn't make sense. Some editor was all, "We can't have Deathstork killing bad guys! It's not right! But we should remind readers that he once fucked a young girl in an attempt to murder a bunch of other kids. And also, can we have him punch his ex-wife until she gets sloppy wet for him? Awesome! Let's go, team!"


Detective Comics Annual #1
By Tynion IV, Barrows, Ferreira, and Lucas

Rating: As subtle as a ten inch dick down the back of your throat. Just so we're clear, that's not subtle at all. Right? I really wouldn't know from experience. I don't know anybody with a dick that big.


Swamp Thing Winter Special #1
By Wein, King, Fabok, Jones, Madsen, and Anderson

Why the square brackets? I'm going to assume Len Wein originally said "his dick" there. And now that Wein is dead, there's no way to know for sure. So I'm probably right.

Rating: This issue contains one story by Tom King and one story by Len Wein. Len died before completing the dialogue script so the story is left without words (although Len's original script appears in the book as well). The story works okay without dialogue or captions and would probably work just fine if Len had meant for it to be published sans dialogue. It's definitely better than most stories from DC writers that wind up overwritten. I'm not wishing for Neal Adams to die but I can't help thinking the final few issues of Deadman could be greatly improved by losing his final dialogue script.


Dark Nights: Metal #5
By those guys who are doing it. You know those guys.

Oh yeah. I did a full review of this on the old blog. It's here.


Letters to Me!

Upright writes: I AM OFFENDED.

A QUOTE THAT STARTS WITH "Where Johns exceeds Moore is in how much...” HAD BETTER END WITH “...he’s a shit writer.” OR THE PERSON BEING QUOTED IS A FOOL, A HALF PERSON.

Bah. Who was that guy? He’s probably an agent of ISIS.

My reply: Do you think ISIS is actually reviewing comic books now? If so, that probably means our culture has nearly destroyed them, right?! I bet if Marvel were to make a Ms. Marvel movie, we could totally sway them to our side. I wonder if Marvel would hire me to write it. I think I'd start out with Johnny Storm getting some flak for depicting Mohammed in flames. Ms. Marvel will be all, "That's not cool. I mean, I don't really care that much, being Americanized and shit. I even drank beer once! And I'm horny all the time. Which is probably something you can be in Islam just like in Christiantiy or Judaism. But you can't show that you're horny which is similar to Christianity and although you can show it in Judaism, you have to feel really guilty about it. I hope I'm not being insensitive to religion by talking about how stupid it all is!"

I should get an agent! I bet Marvel would pick up that pitch in a heartbeat!


KB writes: Speaking of detective comics, I was watching this clip from "Would I Lie to You?":



I grow convinced of the following:

1) Lee Mack missed his true calling as a police interrogator.
2) All police procedural shows should include a segment where a panel of sarcastic British comedians pick apart the suspects' stories in front of an audience.
3) David Mitchell would make a fantastic arch-nemesis for Detective Lee Mack.

My reply: Have we discussed "Would I Lie to You?" before? It's one of my favorite shows. This last season took so long to come out after they'd taped the series that I developed an anxiety disorder. Doom Bunny and Upright are probably thinking, "Oh? You developed that just this year, did you?" Or maybe Doom Bunny is just thinking, "I'm drunk!" And Upright is just thinking, "Doom Bunny's probably drunk!"

One of the things I love about British panel shows is how readily British comedians laugh at the wit and jokes of their peers. You can tell that David Mitchell enjoys Lee Mack as much as anybody in the audience. They're such a great team.

I also can't get enough of Rob Brydon and Lee Mack doing their imitations of David Mitchell. What a great fucking show.

KB: Credit where it is very much due: if I come up with workable one-line solutions to problems in comics, it's because you spot the problems. I often get in the habit of playing dumb to tolerate substandard writing, which is to say, I am slowly being sucked down into the abyss. Hell, I'm even on record as once having enjoyed Lobdell's writing, but of course that was X-Men in the early 90s and there was no rhyme or reason to any of that.

Turns out I do like chess, and have found the ChessEdge channel on YouTube is tremendously helpful. Dude came up with a pretty good distillation of good chess tactics, or at least the types of moves to look for. (No, it's not attempting to reduce chess to a formula, any more than learning the bebop scale means you're playing bebop by formula.) I will not claim that chess is the greatest game ever or anything like that, but there is artistry, and that artistry comes from combining the abilities of various pieces to achieve results nobody saw coming.

About Geoff Johns and the failings of the nu52 ... I don't mind the original concept that, when superheroes first came out, they were treated with distrust and were considered criminals. I don't mind it because it's a starting place. But if you start there, very quickly you need to show the heroes building relationships with public officials, gaining the public trust, and so on. I wouldn't be surprised if Johns planned for that to happen; certainly it happened in Batman's "Zero Year", to great effect. But elsewhere (mostly Superman) ... ? Well when you've got Eddie Berganza as a group editor, don't expect characters operating through trust and responsibility rather than power and intimidation. Thus, Superman got turned into Wolverine: lost his powers, hated and feared by the masses, riding around on a motorcycle, punching cops. I don't think that is on Johns.

Me: "Playing dumb to tolerate substandard writing" has been one of my pet peeves with comic book fans for a long time. But I totally get what you're saying. I've been writing about comic books long enough that I can't help but find every little bit wrong simply to use it as a spring board to talk about whatever the fuck is in my head at the time. If I were just reading the books, I'm sure Nightwing riding a motorcycle up the side of a building would have gotten an eye roll and I would have promptly forgotten about it.

I haven't played chess much at all in the last, um, thirty-five years? I mostly played with my father's father who died in the early 80s. He was an engineer who worked on the SR-71 Blackbird. I think he liked playing chess against me because I was an untrained chess player who made unpredictable and challenging moves. It's like when I invented demolishing Germany by invading on Russia's first turn in Axis and Allies.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I invented that. I also invented wasting time and resources in taking Australia as Japan. So, you know, unpredictable!

And as to your last comment, I think you're letting Johns off the hook too easily! Isn't his title "Creative Director of Creativity and Direction Except When It Comes To Drawings And Then I Call Jim Lee"?

Dark Nights: Metal #5

How many teeth do people from the Dark Multiverse have?

This series is only on Issue #5 and yet it started in the fall of 1992. It's spawned thousands of tie-in issues and forced millions of people to wake up one morning thinking, "What the fuck happened to Scott Snyder? 'Black Mirror' wasn't just a wet dream, was it? Did he wake up one morning thinking, 'I can't wait to do to comics what Geoff Johns did to comics' mom!'" Sometimes when I have a thought, I think, "That must be a thing millions of people have thought previously." Then I use that thought to back-up the previous thought with thought statistics. It's most of the reason why I know I'm the sexiest comic book critic alive. Although it's not most of the reason why I know I'm the greatest comic book critic alive. You just have to go online and read all the rest of comic book criticism to learn that.

I have noticed some people think I care more about comic books than I actually do. I'm constantly being sent questions about my feelings on various comic book characters and story arcs. What these people don't understand is that I mostly don't give a shit about any of this crap. Here is a question I got recently (twice!): "Have Martian Manhunter and Green Lantern ever had sidedicks? If not why if yes how?" Even if I knew every fact about the history of the DC Universe, how am I supposed to answer "how" Martian Manhunter and Green Lantern have had sidedicks. I mean, Martian Manhunter can have as many sidedicks as he wants, being a shapechanger. So I guess the question is easier to answer than I thought. But I don't want to answer questions like that! As I mentioned in my newsletter, "I'm not writing a history of comic books; I'm writing a memoir of my bitterness and hate." What people should be asking me are questions like "How many of your strokes is Scott Lobdell responsible for?" and "How many times have you hate-masturbated to Ann Nocenti's Katana?"

Here's another question I received that I apparently forgot to answer by not really answering: "Why does Wonder Woman treat Donna like a Pariah, she shows her no affection or care, she is a shitty mentor." First off, Donna is a pariah. Second off, she never asked to be mentor to a character created out of editorial stupidity. Third off, she hates Terry Long and disowned Donna the minute she started dating that monster. Fourth off, I don't fucking care about shit like this! You want the real answer?! Wonder Woman treats Donna like a pariah because the writer of the story line which caused you to think Wonder Woman treats Donna like a pariah probably hates Donna Troy! Maybe stop wondering shit like this and try to reflect on why your mother treated you like a pariah! I know it's true because you're a comic book fan.

I should probably begin proving why I'm the best comic book reviewer in the world now.

But before I do that, I should express a concern I have. I sometimes worry that if I ever meet Greg Capullo and one of my stupid friends says, "This is that jerk from the Internet, Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!", I'm going to get my ass kicked. So nobody tell Greg Capullo how stupid I think Metal is.

This is so true. I wake up screaming every morning.

I don't actually wake up screaming. It takes a few moments for me to recall who I am and what my life has become before I begin.

After some superhero battles meant to extend the story by making it exciting, Bat-Joker reveals a new secret. "Endings are the loudest of all!" It's so Scott Snyder to begin the comic book by saying something that seems to make sense because he gave two examples to back up his ridiculous statement ("Beginnings are loud because the Big Bang and babies! Never mind that the Big Bang wasn't loud at all because nobody was there to hear it. That's philosophy!") only to reveal that the opposite of the statement is really true! What a twist! I feel so smart having read that! He truly knows how to manipulate narratives and fangenders!

The issue ends with all of the Justice League members losing their Nth metal to the Dark Knights. All hope seems lost! Except Batman and Superman have decided to take a plunge into the Forge of Worlds' magma pit because why not? And Wonder Woman takes the narrative spine of the story (you know, the thing about noise and loudness and screams and shit) and turns it on its head! She doesn't scream at all; she yells her war cry! OH MY GOD! I just busted my comic book nut. Scott Snyder is so fucking good at this!

I think I have a long enough history writing these things that I don't have to point out sarcasm, right?

Dark Nights: Metal #5: As comic book events go, this is a big one. You can tell it's a big one because the editors get off the Snyder's metaphorical dick and allow him to pull from whatever continuity and canon he wants, and to manipulate it to whatever ends he desires. Bring in Sandman from Vertigo? Sure, why not?! Use Plastic Man in a serious manner? Oh yeah! Big events practically call for that to happen! Age Batman thirty years in an alternate dimension and then have him back to normal by the end somehow? Pretty much standard big event fare, that. Create a timeline based completely on Batman being the center of everything and also the reason everything goes wrong due to his hubris that, being the center of everything, he can stop all the bad stuff himself? Well, come on! This is DC Comics, after all! This is the kind of shit comic book fans shove up their vaginas as fast as they can possibly lube themselves up. It's 98% marketing and 2% Scott Snyder's semen. But a lot of fangenders really seem to love that stuff. The marketing, not the semen. I mean, I'm sure some like the semen. It's James Tynion IV approved!

What I'm saying is, I guess it's stupid fun. And there's almost always room for stupid fun. Unless the current president is Donald Trump and practically everybody in congress has been bought by the NRA. Then maybe we should put aside the stupid fun and do something about this shit. Not me, of course! I'm too old and Gen-Xy! The newer generations need to fix this shit. We Gen-Xers stated right out of the gate that we weren't ever getting involved. We're Walter in Get Out. We might not be much help but we know what the fuck is going on and we'll be really funny explaining it.

Dark Nights: Hawkman Found #1

I preferred when Hawkman remained lost.

Look at that cover again. Or better yet, find a version of the cover via Google Image Search that doesn't look like it was smeared with anal lube before being scanned. If your first reaction isn't "Why is that giant bird man hanging from the rebar trying to fuck the tiny bird person in the ass?" then we probably don't have a lot in common. Here's another way to find out if maybe we'd enjoy having a beer together: are you also a petty ass bitch who's super pissed off that Hawkman is coming back to the DC Universe even though it won't affect your life in the least and might even make Hawkman fans happy that they'll get to read terrible stories about their favorite stupid character? If your answer to that question is not a resounding "Of course I am!", you probably live by a philosophy so alien to me that I wouldn't even recognize you as human. I'd be sitting at the bar thinking, "What is this hazy, gibbering smoke monster trying to drink beer out of a mug and why does it think I care what it has to jabber about?! Where is my gun?"

The issue begins with Hawkman telling a story terribly. I think that's postmodern! He's doing what everybody who has ever written a Hawkman story has done: told a shitty story. Hawkman says, "Every night I dream I am a bird. No wait. Not a bird. A warrior. Who can fly. So why did I begin with that bird thing? That was stupid. I guess my point is that I'm not a bird, you stupid asshole readers. I'm not a fucking joke. 'Oh! Oh! Hawkman's big powers are that he can fly and that he votes Libertarian! What a stupid character!' Well that's not all I am! I can beat the shit out of people! That's what makes me bad-ass. I'm not just a guy in a dumb mask with an old-fashioned weapon who can fly. I'm a trained warrior that can beat your stupid mouth to a pulp!" In other words, Hawkman uses the same defense that Aquaman uses when somebody points out that they're a stupid hero that might have made sense when they were created because kids in the forties had a severely limited imagination.

Seriously, Aquaman is a dumb concept. I don't care that he's super strong and nearly invulnerable and can force sharks to jump out of the water to kill parademons. He's still an idiotic concept. Plus, I mean, that shark image from the early New 52 Justice League issues that people use to show how cool he is? Super dumb. It should have caused people to stop saying a thing jumped the shark, replacing it with the thing's shark jumped.

Hawkman's dream is the opposite of that Sandman dream story where the dreamer learns that there is a third option to fly. Hawkman begins by flying and winds up falling to his death. He also mentions a seemingly trivial detail about his teeth loosening. But dreaming about losing your teeth is a sign that you feel powerless in your waking life. Also birds don't have teeth. I guess warriors probably still have some. Which is why it's a good thing he wasn't actually dreaming about being a bird.

Hawkman awakens to Manhawks attacking his stone age community.

At some point, somebody decided that the antagonist of every superhero story should be a dark reflection of the superhero. So now every story is completely narcissistic with the hero disappearing up their own ass.

I hear what you're saying, jabbering smoke monster: "Who else should a comic book called 'Batman' be about if not Batman?!" Well, maybe it could be about justice or acting as a responsible father figure to broken children or saving a city on the brink of destruction or doing the right thing no matter how much you have to sacrifice. It doesn't always have to be about Batman seeing what he might have become if he didn't have the inner strength and intellectual clarity he somehow developed all on his own without any help from parents (no matter how much the butler tries to take credit for some of it). How many of Batman's villains eventually just became shadows of Batman himself? Wrath. Hush. Bane. Even The Joker became molded more toward being the antithesis of Batman rather than some psychotic maniac trying to make a bit of money. If the only enemies we're going to get are twisted versions of the heroes, at least make them whimsical or interesting, like Bizarro or Nam-Tab! I just made up Nam-Tab. He's an ex-Vietcong soldier who drank a Tab can mixed with napalm. He's super poor and his parents weren't murdered in an alley. Now he spends his life trying to murder parents in alleys because his life probably would have been better if his parents had been killed that way. He doesn't have a butler and has never taken in children as wards and has a dog named Eca.

The rest of the story is the just the dream repeated. Hawkman fights back against the Manhawks. Hawkman discovers the dark Hawkman keeping him imprisoned. Hawkman defeats him and escapes on newly found wings. The wings fall apart and he falls to his death, only to wake just before he dies. Basically his prison or afterlife or wherever he is is just a dark reflection of his life on Earth where he constantly died and was reborn.

Dark Nights: Hawkman Found #1 Ranking: The only reason anybody needed to buy this comic book was because they're completists and it said "Dark Nights Metal Tie-In" on the cover. Hawkman was never actually found. The reader just learns where Hawkman has been since his sales dropped through the floor due to terrible writers telling his stories (that probably weren't even worth telling even if a great writer had been on the book). Apparently Hawkman has been off trying to save the Multiverse by working the Dark Forge. That's important for some reason that I've already forgotten because it was dumb. This book didn't make me curious enough to go back and remember why that was.

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Dark Nights: Metal #4

No. YOU got lube on YOUR scanner.

It's been five years since Metal #3 hit the stands but thanks to great planning by way of writing a blog entry about Metal #3, I remember exactly what was happening! Well, maybe not exactly since the plot points are punctuated by a bunch of dick jokes. I can't be certain, five years later, which dick jokes were actually part of Metal #3 and which ones I just made up. But at least I have a better than vague notion of what was happening!

This issue begins with the Sandman reminding everybody how the Metal story was interrupted by some stupid tie-ins that should probably have been left unwritten, ending their lives in his library of stories that were never told. I guess Sandman is in this tie-in because Scott Snyder was all, "You know what character would bring a bit of intellectual literary seriousness to this story? Plastic Man! Ha ha! Just kidding. Dream of the Endless! Why not give Neil Gaiman's coattails some riding time! We can give Alan Moore's a break for a week or two. Oh, that reminds me. Do we own any of Warren Ellis's characters and stories? We should monetize those too! And look in on Dave Sim and Gerhard's health. Cerebus is public domain when those fogeys die and I've got a great idea for a Cerebus/Ambush Bug team-up!"

Dream's prologue gives way to Batman being freed from imprisonment in the Dark Multiverse. His escorts off the Dark Multiverse battery are dark versions of Superman (one of them is electric blue Superman. He's now a dark dream of what might have been so I guess Rebirth couldn't bring that bullshit back into canon (although it did in that Action Comics Mr. Mxyzptlk story (sort of))). One of them wears a glove full of different colored Kryptonite because he's an idiot? I was going to begin a rant that starts out with "Who carries a weapon that can be turned against them so easily?!" before I remember police use guns. Maybe I can adapt what I was going to say as "Who carries a weapon that can only destroy a small percentage of people in the universe when you, the carrier of that weapon, are part of that small percentage?!" But I won't because that sentence is unwieldy.

You've probably already figured it out by my previous paragraph: Batman wrests control of this weapon (a glove, to be exact) to turn it against Superman. This is a comic book so I shouldn't ask for realism, especially when the story is already on such insubstantial footing as having Superman wield a Kryptonite weapon but can somebody please explain to me how Batman tears a glove off of Superman?! No wait! I can tell myself! This is what happens when you wear a glove practically made out of Kryptonite, Superman! Your hand becomes as weak as a baby's so that you can't even stop somebody from pulling it from your hand! Idiot.

Anyway, the battle never takes place because Batman (who has been strapped to the Dark Multiverse battery for thirty years and really, really needs to shit) calls to Dream for rescue. It's a good thing it's the Daniel version of Dream and not the Morpheus version of Dream. Morpheus never would have helped Batman. He would have just looked on bored and been all, "Really, really. I can't get involved. When I get involved, I cause...complications. I mean, I get involved sometimes but that's only if the thing I'm manipulating will eventually lead to my death. It surprises some people when they realize the entirety of the Sandman run was just one long, convoluted suicide." Daniel is more like, "I'm chipper and upbeat! Go go Sandman Dream Powers!" And just like that, Batman and Superman are pulled from the Dark Multiverse! Now if Batman could just get Destiny and Death to intervene, this story could end in just a few more pages.

With that done, the story returns to the heroes traveling the universe looking for Nth metal to save the day.

I get that maybe "gym selfies" represents pride but what does pushing nuns down stairs represent? Oh! Lust, of course!

Wonder Woman and her gang defeat the seven sins while Aquaman and Deathstork climb into Arion's crypt seeking the Nth metal below Atlantis. Over on Thanagar Prime (a planet heretofore unknown to even Hal Jordan (as if that's supposed to be surprising to anybody but Hal Jordan. He doesn't strike me as the studious type), Hal and Mr. Terrific learn that Lord Synn has taken over the planet with help from his buddy, Starro. Starro's big reveal is that he no longer needs the little stars to take control of the populace of a planet. That's just stupid! That was the best part of Starro! Plus it allowed him to control multiple planets all across the universe and it allowed me to rationalize it! But I can't suspend my disbelief if the little stars aren't stuck to people's faces and yet they're still being controlled while Starro is a thousand light years away micro-managing one of his other holdings. Lord Synn explains that he can't help them because he already knows how to deal with Earth after the Dark Multiverse has taken it over.

He does mean razing, right? If not, I don't know what he's talking about.

Scott Snyder's Starro speaks like a character from one of Grunion Guy's novels. He ends a lot of sentences with "idiot" or "moron" or "jerko!" Well, maybe not "Jerko!" since I've trademarked that. At least I told my assistant, Pickle Boy, to put in the paperwork. I'm sure he got around to it.

Back in The Dreaming, Daniel tells Superman and Batman a story which explains what's happening. At the beginning of the universe, a couple more beings than the Monitor and Anti-Monitor were created. One was the forger and the other was his dragon, Barbatos. The Forger created every world in DC's universe and Barbatos destroyed the ones that weren't selling well. But then Barbatos killed The Forger and forgot to keep doing his job, letting terrible worlds survive. That probably explains The New 52. But now he wants to destroy the Rebirth worlds as well! And DC can't have that because they've invested quite a bit of their reputation in fixing their stupid fucking universe that they keep breaking by way of fixing it. So, eventually, this fix will be seen as the next break that must be fixed. But for now, Barbatos must be stopped before he destroys DC Comics!

Wonder Woman's team's plan goes off the rails when...well, I don't want to say. If you haven't read this comic book, you'll be left thinking, "Why are you always making shit up, Tess? Can't you ever just explain the plot in as straightforward and boring a way as possible? You know, the way the Weird Science Blog guys do it?" And I don't want you thinking ill of me! I'd scan the scene in but I've been known to present some pretty amazing photoshops before so you still might not believe it. But maybe...just maybe...you understand how Scott Snyder writes comic books. He understands that they're supposed to be ridiculous and the more ridiculous they are, the more people he can convince that they're good. So considering that, I guess I'll mention what happens. Kendra whips out the Anti-Monitor's brain so she can whip it into the center of the Multiverse which will destroy the Dark Multiverse (along with Batman, Superman, and Hawkman). But before she can do that, she turns into Lady Blackhawk. Not the military Lady Blackhawk that is probably a lesbian but some weird Hawk and Dove type birdlike manifestation of god-like powers. Then she's all, "All roads lead back to darkness!" which totally isn't true because some roads lead to the light bulb factory. I mean, they must, right? Anyway, after that, Black Adam appears and incinerates Doctor Fate because the other things were just too boring to hold a comic book reader's attention.

And finally, Batman and Superman arrive at the World Forge in the hopes to save the world by, I don't know, forging a new world? But they find the forge has gone out. And guarding the forge, they find Hawman spouting nonsense.

So Barbatos the dragon has a dragon of his own in Hawkman? Okay. I guess!

Metal #4 Rating: I have two ratings for this book! If you're a big stupid comic book fan that laps up every exciting tie-in that you know is exciting because the people making and selling the comic book have gone on record as saying, "I haven't felt this good reading a book since I jerked off while reading a different book!" then you'll probably love this book. Five out of five stars! But if you're a person who has realized in middle age that maybe comic books are far less intelligent than you used to give them credit for, this comic book rates as two giant hawk turds out of however many hawk turds equals a good book. Two hawk turds means it's not a good book, even in hawk turd terms.

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Dark Nights: Batman Who Laughs #1

Sometimes I get loads of Vaseline on my scanner.

Apparently when you merge Batman with The Joker he becomes a leather and chains loving sado-masochistic pedophile kink king. I would have, at most, figured him for a third rate bipolar stand up comedian. At least, he'd be the dirty joke spewing pervy uncle brooding from the corner of the room during Thanksgiving while nursing a constant half-boner.

What I'm trying to say is I'm surprised DC went for the Queen of Robins who — I'm guessing — will yell "YASSSSSSS!" at least once during this issue.

The plot of this issue probably won't be surprising after an interminable amount of these tie-ins. Batman steps over the line and kills. This time he kills — SURPRISE! — The Joker. It makes sense that this Dark Multiverse Earth exists. What doesn't make sense is that all of the Dark Multiverse Earths aren't creations of Batman thinking, every time he battles The Joker, "I should probably just kill him, right? Save everybody a lot of grief. But then I couldn't lord my 'No killing!' stance over all those other asshole heroes that have killed once or twice. Damned if I'll lose my holier than thou status over Superman. The day he killed Doomsday was the greatest day of my life! I mean also the saddest because Doomsday killed Superman. But that boy scout killed a sentient being! At least I presume it was sentient. It showed some serious intelligence by kicking Booster Gold's ass upon first meeting him."

One of the terrible writers who wrote one of the previous terrible tie-ins (I think it was Joshua Williamson in the Bats Out of Hell four part story that made me wish I'd chosen euthanizing puppies as a hobby rather than reading comic books) mentioned that the Dark Multiverse Earths weren't just created out of Batman's fears but Batman's regrets. That's a stupid thing to say because Batman never did the things that the Batmen on the Dark Multiverse Earth's did so he couldn't have regretted them. Unless what Mr. Williamson meant was that Batman constantly regrets not killing every member of the Justice League or every one of his enemies every day of his existence. But that seems out of character. Not that Batman torturing himself is out of character but Batman regretting choosing not to kill. It's like the exact opposite of what all of these tie-ins are saying.

I know why Batman laughed! He thought, "Sounds like a terrible psychologist!"

Later Batjoker kills all of the Batkids because the real Batman on Light Earth-0 fears he might someday do that. Or he regrets it. Or maybe it has nothing to do with him since that's just a part of the plot progression after he killed The Joker. That's the fear that created Earth-Negative-Twenty-Two (and also a billion other Earths, one for each time The Joker broke out of Arkham and killed at least one more person. Then Batman squatted on the ground while punching himself in the face and mumbling, "Why didn't I kill him last time? I should have killed him! Is this new death on me?! Probably!"). After killing the Batkids, he kills the Justice League. Then he killed everybody on Earth. That should make him seem scary since he mostly seems to me, right now, that he should be hosting Drag Night at The Tinker's Damn.

Batjoker's antics caught the attention of Barbatos who needed a valet to open a door for him. Batjoker's qualifications for the job had something to do with how, when you're playing with a deck of cards, having a hand that contains the king and the joker is the best hand ever in every game. But, I mean, is it? I don't know every card game but I'm pretty sure Batjoker should be teaming up with Ace the Wonder Dog if he wants a truly unbeatable hand. Of course, some games value the ace as the lowest card. But then again, only children play games that include the joker. Which probably means this story will end with Batjoker throwing a huge tantrum when he realizes he's about to lose.

The story ends with the revelation that Batjoker has been telling his origin to some guy in a wheelchair covered in bandages. I totally and honestly and not facetiously at all think it's Blue Beetle although I don't really know who it might be, probably because I haven't been paying close enough attention. And I don't mean just to this comic book story. I haven't been paying attention to anything in my life lately. Batjoker tells this poor invalid that his ultimate plan is to release all of DC's Elseworld's baddies on Earth-0. That should be exciting!

Dark Nights: Batman Who Laughs #1 Rating: I'm trying to be positive lately so this book gets one star out of two stars. That's ambivalent enough for me to delude myself into thinking I'm being positive.

Justice League #33

This face has way too many noses.

How come I'm still stupid enough to be purchasing comic books that simply "tie-in" to a different story arc? They're always terrible and unnecessary. I suppose this time I purchased The Flash and Hal Jordan because I've been picking up Justice League anyway. Although would it have mattered if I read those other two parts? They can be summed up in however many words I'm about to take to sum it up: the entire Justice League was captured. There! Now we're ready to move on to this issue.

The first three pages portray the Batjoker as an idiot. I really want to like him. I truly do. I want him to be vicious and terrifying and demented but instead he's stupid and illogical and annoying. I guess that can't be helped since he's being written by Joshua Williamson. That might not be fair to Mr. Williamson but I never did get over his complete dismantling of the plot on The New 52 Voodoo when he took over. Not that the plot was any good when he picked it up. But he could have, at least, read the story prior to his coming on board and tried to integrate his ideas into it. I have no patience for that kind of shoddy writing.

Okay, I have some patience for it! Quite a bit, actually, or else why would I still be reading comic books after three decades? It's actually more common for a writer to just raze the previous story and characters to the ground as they step in to establish their vision. I just want it known that I don't respect those writers at all. Take that, writers!

Cyborg has something inside him that Batjoker needs to dominate the multiverse. But Cyborg has too much heart to give it up. Or something. Whatever. I'm always so bored when reading Cyborg comic books. I think Raven tells him he's not as big a failure as everybody thinks he is which encourages him to fight back. He starts by spouting nonsense.

What the hell is Cyborg One Million? Um, baby?

I guess he means he's so much better than Cyborg 2.0 that he's Cyborg One Million Point O? No, I think Victor just got lost in his excitement about equating his name with being a winner. I wish he'd said, "I'll always be a Stone!" That's more how I think of him because stones are boring.

Anyway, stuff happens and they escape so they can continue on their adventures that were disrupted when this tie-in began. But that's just what Batjoker wanted! I mean, it wasn't what he wanted two pages before the end where Barbatos gets mad at him for losing the Justice League and he's all, "As long as I have the Titans and Task Force X, they'll be back!" Then two pages later, he's all, "They're just where I want them! Spreading your darkness through the multiverse!" And Barbatos isn't all, "Why didn't you say that two pages ago when I was scolding you? That your plan was to let them loose infected by my darkness? Why did you mention they'd be back for the others?" And Batjoker is all, "It makes sense. Stop overthinking it. Jerk."

Justice League #33 Rating: -3 stars out of 5. That's for the whole tie-in. Basically everything is back where it was before the tie-in began except with Flash, Raven, and Cyborg as one of the four teams instead of Flash, Superman, and Steel. Which doesn't really make sense because didn't they need Steel's metal? I guess Cyborg's Element X is better than whatever metal Steel had on him?

Justice League #32

It looks like Ethan initially drew Wonder Woman having a nip slip and it had to be corrected by an intern with a shitty pencil eraser.

That caption was too long. Forgive me but I'm slipping into a reality where writing a thought in 280 characters is comfortable, just like Twitter was hoping! That's why they didn't give us a number count for our Tweets. You can only pay attention to the little circle, making sure to stop halfway to filling it up, for so long before you think, "Just this once, I'll go a little past halfway." Next thing you know, you're thinking, "How did I ever compose a thought in only 140 characters?! Madness!"

This issue begins with Cyborg thinking one thought: "Team." That's a clue to the theme of this issue, boys and other boys who read comic books! I don't mean to suggest that girls don't read comic books! I just know they're smart enough to figure this shit out themselves. Now that I've said that and all the ladies have thought, "Oh! We misjudged Tess! We'll never use the term 'misogynist' in regards to Tess ever again! Such a sweet genius!", I can get back to explaining why Cyborg thinks "Team." If you're not a Writer like me, you might not fully understand the structure of stories — especially comic book stories that need as many short cuts as possible being that they're only twenty pages long and most of those pages don't have very many words on them. Comic book writers like to introduce a thought on the first page, often via a non sequitur or a strained line of reasoning. They'll drop the thought almost immediately but pick it up again on the last page to make it look like their story was about something more than an overly muscled dude or gal beating the crap out of some social outcast that probably has an undiagnosed mental disorder. It makes the book seem way more intelligent than it really is. It's one of my favorite tricks because then I can slip the comic book back in its Mylar sheathe and think, "Boy! That sure was a smart thing I just did and not a thing where I'm grasping at my long departed youth with fingers that have become crone claws over the years even though I don't feel any joy and wonder in it anymore!"

What I'm trying to say in a way that shouldn't open up the dark pain in my heart so the world can glimpse my longing ache for my father's love is that the concept of "team" will be really important this issue! I mean, it's kind of important every issue because this is the Justice League and they're always beating major threats at the last moment by Batman reminding them that they need to work together and everybody going, "Oh yeah!" And then also Batman says, "Not you, Aquaman!" Then everybody laughs. Except for Aquaman. He cries. You've seen that scene a million times even if Batman doesn't say the mean thing on panel. Just realize every time you thought Aquaman was dripping with sea water, those were actually tears.

Since this is Venditti's first time on this book (I think. What am I? Wikipedia?!), he's going straight to the most locally accessible and commonly known well location. He probably got the assignment and was all, "Oh! I know exactly how to write this book! When I'm writing Hal Jordan, I always have to portray him as the opposite of a team because he's a stubborn narcissist with an enormous cock. So I'll write this book by showing how that doesn't always work out as well as it seems to work out for Hal Jordan! I'll focus on how the Justice League is a team!" You see, Venditti has never had an issue with the idea that there are no original thoughts. He just clonked that despairing thought over the head when he went to write comic books and was all, "Who cares if I repeat everything that has been said multiple times in the last seven decades! The turnover rate on comic book readers is like 100% over every five years or so! Except for those sad adult men who continue to read them well into adulthood because they couldn't properly negotiate the trauma induced by their love of their mother and their slide into their hormonal teenage years!"

Team! What I'm trying to say is remember the word "team"! It's going to be important later! Sheesh! Stop trying to distract me by acting as a free public therapist! Although if you are a therapist and you want to engage in dialogue — say an hour or so three times a week? — feel free (free being the operative word). Just to clarify: I said "therapist" and not "the rapist" so if you're thinking about luring me into a situation where you can take sexual advantage of me because of my desperate need for companionship, don't bother commenting! Except maybe to say I have nice eyes or something. That would be nice.

My college Children's Literature professor would be gushing fruit juice from her nether regions right now! Look at all the words I've come up with after having read just one word! She was always adamant that when writing a paper, one should focus on one sentence that can be expanded to explain the entire text. She was always saying things like, "If the protagonist is sleeping on some roots, really think about that! Think about the idea of roots! And ancestors! And how they support us and protect us! And how sometimes they make it hard to sleep because their bony knees are jabbing you in the back until you're all, 'Grandpa! Go back to your own bed!'" I hated that idea because I read books to discuss the books. I don't read books to discuss one sentence in the book! Although she did compliment me on Halloween when I came to class dressed as Alice Cooper in Wonderland. Oh! I think I have a picture of the night before when I went as merely Alice in Wonderland!

To complete the Alice Cooper part, I added the Alice Cooper facial make-up and carried around the bloody, decapitated head of the white rabbit (a larger (stuffed animal!) rabbit than the one pictured. That one lived). Bonus picture: evidence of my problematic friend Soy Rakelson who I've mentioned numerous times on this blog! Just do a search for "Soy Rakelson" so you can enjoy some Soy stories!

Cyborg is thinking about teams because he needs to get his team, the Justice League, back together. When we last left them at the competent hands of Joshua Williamson (did that come across as an insult?), they had been split up and were each being attacked by a separate Batmonster from the Dark Multiverse. See?! That's why the Batmonsters are going to lose. Because they don't consider working as a team a positive. They each want to prove themselves as individuals and that's a weakness the Justice League will exploit! If the Batmonsters were smart, they would have just all gone to see Flash to make sure he died, then they'd go kill Green Lantern, and finally they'd move on to kill Wonder Woman. I didn't leave anybody of note out of that explanation because Superman and Batman are currently lost in the Dark Multiverse.

The first battle that takes place is between Flash and Batflash. Batflash has built a Batflashmobile that runs on the Speed Force. That doesn't just mean it's really fast in the way a person reading a comic book about The Flash having a Flash car would think. No, it means it can do anything the plot demands of it. That's the power of the Speed Force!

Man! Don't get me started on the Speed Force! I'll start myself on it! The Speed Force is what happens when comic books begin to take themselves too seriously and people began thinking about the real world implications of The Flash's power. If The Flash runs at such high speeds then that means he needs to think faster than everybody else as well. But if he can think and react that fast, how can anybody defeat him at all? What happens to his body when he runs at top speed? What if that top speed is the speed of light? What if it's faster? What about time travel? What about his clothing? What about how he can constantly communicate with people while running really fast? I think there were probably more concerns but I never read The Flash. I don't even actually know why the Speed Force came about. You probably shouldn't be using me as any kind of a trusted source in comic book knowledge. Just know that the Speed Force is capable of anything because something was needed to make a guy who could move faster than nearly anything in the universe less boring. Or at least seem kind of interesting in a cosmic way? Maybe that's why they also gave him a huge family. Some editor was all, "We thought it was just Barry that made this character boring! But it's the concept! Make Wally more interesting somehow! Let him fuck that hot reporter! And give him space kids! Or time travel children! Or something! And somebody figure out why his face doesn't melt off when he runs fast or what being struck by lightning has to do with being fast. I mean aside from bolts of lightning being incredibly fast. Are they fast? They are, right? Like instantaneous!" He had to ask that because this imaginary moment comes from a time before the Internet. At least a time before the useful Internet that wasn't mostly AOL chatrooms and Neverwinter Nights bankrupting nerds.

Cyborg doesn't really know that The Flash is currently being rundown by multiple Flashmobiles inside a giant hourglass so he just keeps thinking about his football team analogy. He's all, "What if the running back can't run faster than the big fat defensive ends?! Then the team needs somebody who's angry!" That's when he starts thinking about Aquaman. Wait. That doesn't make sense. Shouldn't Cyborg think, "If the running back can't score, that's when the team must rely on the most boring player on the roster: the kicker!" Then the scene should shift to Aquaman.

Wouldn't all of sports be better without the guy who plays angry? I know the Justice League would! BROZINGA!

The Drowned turned Mera into a sea monster which somehow turns Aquaman's anger against the Justice League. That's not a confusing conclusion I came to. It's what Cyborg had to say about the angry player. Once the angry player is being used against you (like say, the super villain making fun of Aquaman and Batman snickering so that Aquaman turns on the Justice League screaming, "I know what you all think of me! I FUCKING KNOW!"), it's time for the next player! I hope he doesn't say it's time for the cheerleaders to get the crowd in the game and then start talking about Wonder Woman because I think that would be sexist. Also it's definitely something he won't say. Maybe he'll talk about how the defense will need to step up and then it'll be Green Lantern time. Wonder Woman is probably the halftime orange slices.

Instead of continuing with the football metaphor, Cyborg decides to change things up. He says, "Anger can be useful. But the other team can turn it against you. Drag you into a dogfight. When that happens, you brawl." Wait. What? What kind of football do they play in Detroit high schools?! "If we can't run it into the end zone, let's get angry! And if our anger doesn't scare them into letting our running back into the end zone, let's kick their motherloving asses!"

When Cyborg thinks of a brainless brawler, he, of course, thinks of Wonder Woman. That seems dumb. I know he wants to save the quarterback position for Batman but let's think this metaphor through. Wouldn't you want, as quarterback, the person who has the most experience on the field who has been trained by immortal football players who have spent all of their immortal lives training for the big game? Wonder Woman should either be the quarterback or the coach. But instead she's the enforcer? Which, you know, is a hockey term but what am I supposed to think? You don't brawl in football. Sometimes you brawl in hockey though! In football, one guy shoves another guy and then the other guy grabs the first guy's facemask and then a whole bunch of old white guys blow whistles and throw their underwear at them.

I really don't understand football but I do jerk off to it sometimes.

So every member of the home team is getting beat up. The game will be lost shortly unless the coach comes up with a plan. And what better plan when you've got a team than choosing one star player to win the day for you! Oh man! Venditti did the old double loop de loop trick shot on me! He was all, "This is about a team! And teams win by team efforts!" But then he's all, "No, no! Just kidding! It always comes down to the star player and you better believe Hal Jordan is the star player!" I'm not going to ask why Hal Jordan is even in this Metal series. Where are the newbies? It was probably explained earlier but how am I supposed to remember past issues! It's not like I've been rereading my previous commentaries to refresh my memories like I used to. Now I just approach each issue shrugging my shoulders and thinking, "I'll probably remember what was going on by about the sixth or seventh page."

Actually, I probably should have read the rest of the issue before commenting on Green Lantern saving the day. Hal only gets one page because the other characters took too much time losing. Thankfully Hal only needs one page to lose (probably because he's the focus of the next chapter, it being in his comic book and all). After that, Cyborg points out that the team was never going to be able to win because the coach (Cyborg) has been compromised by the other team! Shocking twist!

So in summary, Cyborg thinks football is won on speed, anger, hiring an ancient Amazonian warrior, and guts. I'm not sure he's as smart as DC wants us to think he is.

Justice League #32 Rating: How many of you read that part about me "slipping into a reality where writing a thought in 280 characters is comfortable" and thought, "Fuck you, you long-winded idiot! You've never had a thought that was less than three thousand words and six dick jokes!"?

The Flash #33

There's a whole voyeuristic shit eating fetish thing going on here that I don't want to think about too deeply.

Why am I reading another issue of The Flash? Because I'm an idiot who can't get enough of these Dark Nights Metal Tie-ins. Speaking of Dark Nights Metal, which is the real title of the series? Is it Metal? Is it Dark Nights? Is it Dark Nights Metal? Maybe it's Tie-in?! Whatever it is, I'm completely hooked. Not because it's gripping entertainment but because I lack the willpower to stop doing things that are harmful to myself.

The issue begins with Barry Allen Narration Boxing "My name is Barry Allen. I'm The Flash." You know, in case this is the first ever issue read by a seven year old immigrant child that was raised in the back woods of a country that is so seventh world that it has yet to be inundated with superhero pop culture. I know that seems far-fetched since 70% of the world economy depends on superhero pop culture but one should never assume everybody knows the titular character's secret identity and how that character often thinks to himself, "I'm me! And as me, I'm also The Flash!" Imagine how poor the world would be without all the blockbuster superhero movies. It's a good thing the cool kids finally decided that comic books weren't for the kids whose heads were constantly almost being flushed down the toilet for unknown reasons. There are adults today who are of a generation that can't even fathom how uncool it was to like comic books or science fiction or Dungeons & Dragons. Although they still think they're being "nerds" or "geeks" by liking the things that were once cause for ostracism and permanent banishment from most human contact (of the non-violent kind, of course). I don't mind them claiming those titles; it's just I don't think they have any idea what it was really like to be on the front lines of enjoying the things they enjoy today while not having their underwear most of the way up their ass and piss in their hair. Of course, now the young kids have other things to worry about. Like saying the wrong thing in front of that one "friend" who will instantly ostracize and permanently banish them from life entirely. Back in my youth, you might get a little banged up for not conforming to the social norms but today, you're just fucking done. And well you should be if you professed enjoyment for something your self-righteous, raving, Jim Jonesesque friend thought was problematic. Keep that shit to yourself, you monster.

I just realized another reason I read terrible comic books! They're a great distraction from our Brave New Shithole World! Thanks, Butthurt Angry Xenophobes! You sure showed them liberals! Y'all are like the heroin-addled downstairs neighbor I had years ago. One day, he had a big blowout fight with his girlfriend with lots of yelling and breaking of things. At one point I heard his girlfriend say, "You're too stupid not to break your own things!" So I guess he really gave it to her good by breaking his own stuff. Just like working class Trump voters!

If you don't want to hear anti-GOP political commentary in your comic book reviews, might I recommend the Weird Science blog? It has the added bonus that their reviews are actual reviews and not just the insane ramblings of a housebound misanthropist. Sure, they're bland and come from people who desperately want to be a serious part of the comic book community so they'll never say anything too harsh about the writing or art of a comic book, even when it's as terrible as Neal Adams' recent Deadman. But they won't call you stupid simply because of your political leanings! At least I don't think they will. I could be wrong. It's not like I've ever read more than a handful of their reviews. But I've read enough to declare the site my nemesis! I should probably interact with them more but they hurt my feelings the last time we had a conversation. One of their zealot followers threatened to slap me with his eight inch penis! And he made sure that I knew his penis is eight inches flaccid! I always knew that tough guy Internet comment monkeys must have the biggest penises. How else could they be confident enough to deliver their scathing rejoinders?!

After Barry identifies himself so that an audience that doesn't exist knows that the red Narration Boxes with the lightning bolt next to them are Barry's thoughts (and that Barry is The Flash because that might also be confusing), he explains that he's currently racing Superman and that Superman has to win. That's a lie. I mean, it's either a lie or poor writing and I don't want to hurt Joshua Williamson's feelings (any more than I may have already by saying his writing is mediocre and generally boring). So let's say it's a lie. Maybe it's an exaggeration of a half-truth so that The Flash can subtly suggest that he always beats Superman when they race. Why wouldn't he?! He's known as The Fasterest Man Alive! Why wouldn't Superman's lawyers shut that shit down if Superman were faster? I suppose, in the same way Superman is smarter than Batman but he lets Batman think Batman's smarter, Superman is just a good guy who enjoys letting his friends shine.

So they aren't racing. That's what I'm trying to say. They're both going really fast because The Flash needs to fling Superman into the Dark Universe. Mind you, nobody has ever willingly traveled to the Dark Universe before this. But when has not knowing how to do something that's never been done stopped a superhero from doing the impossible? Everybody knows that if The Flash just runs fast enough, he can justify any plot point. So that's what happens! He runs super fast and then Fastball Specials Superman into the Dark Universe.

Afterward, The Flash gives Steel the "I have a huge boner" eyes.

After Superman disappears into a black hole which certainly leads to the Dark Universe because reasons, Gorilla Grodd attacks the city. But it turns out it's not Grodd at all but a hungry person who just needed to eat a Snickers. It's a weird moment but it's good to see superheroes actually doing some good and helping regular folks for a change.

Steel contemplates fucking the Anti-Monitor's giant butt plug but The Flash argues against it. It's too dangerous! He points out that Batman fiddling with it is why they're in the mess they're in. I'm not sure they can really blame Batman though. Didn't they read Dark Nights: Batman Lost #1? Batman was manipulated by Barbatos for his entire life. I bet Barbatos even manipulated the radiation around Thomas and Martha Wayne so that Martha only had one viable Bat-egg and Thomas, one viable Bat-sperm.

The other members of the Justice League are all on missions to find Nth Metal. Remember when that happened in Metal? It was just before Detective Chimp was murdered by BatJoker. I know that Detective Chimp never dies on-panel but what other result should readers expect?! That maybe Detective Chimp jerked off all the Bat-monsters so he'd be spared? I suppose that's something that would take place off-panel, so I can't argue against that being what happened. Also I don't want to argue against that being what happened.

It doesn't matter what the other Justice League members were doing because they all get sucked up in Evil Boom Tubes. I'm sure they'll get back to their missions in the next issue of Metal. But for now, they need to fight some of the Bat-monsters to a stalemate so it seems like Metal is full of more action than it really needs.

I'd like to scan a picture of some of the big battles that take place but I can't because they don't exist. Okay, one exists. Doombat and Cybat beat the shit out of Steel and send The Flash into a dark room. The other Justice League members also find themselves in this room. This is probably the hell that the bats must get out of. And by bats, I don't think the title refers to the Batmonsters. I think the bats refer to the Justice League members who aren't Batman. It makes sense because fuck you. It's a clever take on a known phrase! People read it and go, "Oh yeah! I've heard people say that! It was even a Meatloaf album!"

The hells they wind up in are different versions of the Batcave where they're all individually attacked by the Batmonster inspired partly by each of them. And that's where the issue ends because this was all prologue to the big action scene. And in comics, the big action scene is the only reason people keep reading them! So exciting!

The Flash #33 Rating: 4 out of 10. It might earn a higher score if it had left out all of that Narration Boxing. A writer's use of Narration Boxes tends to make it so the writer doesn't need to write a script for a comic book. They just write the plot out through the character's rendition of what happened and leave it like that. It's also the way a writer can force a theme into the story's unwilling orifice. So The Flash, through Narration Boxes, tells a story about how he races Superman. Then that leads to him saying that Batman always advises him to run faster which leads to the big twist conclusion where The Flash points out that he's hearing Batman again but he's telling him there's nowhere to run! It's classic Flash storytelling! Just mention running as much as you can and equate it to whatever the fuck else is going on. Then finish it off by saying, "See? See what I did there? Clever, right?!"

Dark Nights: Batman the Devastator #1

"I have no penis!"

I probably don't really need to read this, do I? I almost certainly won't have anything intellectual to say about it. And don't think I don't hear the snickering after that line and the mumbled "You never do!"s! I also don't want to hear any criticism of the structure of that previous sentence! It communicated what I wanted to communicate and that's all that matters! I think I've run out of my daily allotment of exclamation points. I wasn't being calm in that previous sentence; it's just that — if you were paying attention — you'd remember that I ran out of exclamation points. But that's okay because now I'm going to use a bunch of semicolons and em dashes[exclamation point]

I would also like to clarify — before the Actually Nerds show up and shit down my everything — I realize Devastator has tights on in the cover and maybe — just maybe — he has an incredibly flat and minuscule penis. It's also possible that Doomsday lost his penis to one of his resurrections because he was kicked in the junk to death and needed to be reborn so that that would never happen again. Now the Actually Nerds are going to say something like, "Then why wouldn't he just lose his testicles?!" Well, maybe he did just lose them! But then maybe some hot alien lured him to his death with a blow job and his body was all, "Get rid of the penis so that that never happens again!" Now the Actually Nerds are all, "If he already lost his testicles, why would he be interested in a blow job?!" Well, you know what? I don't have all the fucking answers! If you want to go around simply being contrarian for the sake of how smart you think it makes you look, go ahead! But know this: nobody likes you! Also, I seem to have gotten a new shipment of exclamation points!

Here's an interesting and unsurprising fact about this issue: James Tynion IV wrote the script even though he wasn't credited on the cover. My guess is that Frank Tieri wrote a script but for once in their stupid lives, the editors rejected it. For once, the editors picked up a script that was delivered on time, actually read it, thought it was terrible, and didn't shrug their shoulders and think, "At least we'll make the deadline, Lobdell!" For once, their laziness didn't win out. My guess is that half of Frank Tieri's script was Batman calling Superman a fag and even though the editors were entertained by it and found themselves muttering under their breath, "Ha ha. Fag," they realized the shit would hit the fandom. They needed to call Scott Snyder for some last minute help. Not because Snyder would write the script. No, they just needed him to release Tynion from the Gimp Oubliette in his backyard.

I suppose people read online comic book reviews to either learn about what happened in a comic book they don't want to pay the exorbitant cover price for or because they want to know if it's worth picking up. I doubt many read them to hear what the reviewer thinks will happen in the comic book before the reviewer even reads it. But I'm sure there are one or two people out there who find my thoughts interesting. It would be nice if I could say three or four people but fuck you, Mom and Dad! I am too a failure! I mean a success!

My guess is that Batman the Devastator came into being when Batman realized the only real way to ever stop Superman if he goes rogue is to become the one thing that has a history of sort-of killing Superman: Doomsday! It's a good thing I'm not Batman because I enjoy whimsy and randomness so much that I'd just go for shoving Red Kryptonite in Superman's face to see what happens. In the real universe, Batman realized becoming Doomsday was a stupid idea because then he'd kill Superman and go on to kill the rest of the people on Earth. But in the Dark Multiverse, Dark Batman was all, "Yes! I know I vowed to never allow any other rich kid suffer the trauma of their parents' death but it's not like Jon Kent is rich! He's just a dumb farmer's kid. He'll get over his father's death way easier than a sheltered little mama's boy who never had to experience any harshness from life! So I can probably kill Superman and not really go back on the vow I made when I realized the world wasn't all day trips to the bank to look at my father's money." So Dark Batman injects Doomsday DNA into his butthole and WHAMMO! Batman the Devastator! Then the rest of the story is just like the other Metal Tie-ins. Batjoker appears and recruits Devastator who goes to Earth-Main-Earth's Metropolis to completely destroy it. Then Doctor Fate shows up and Superman goes to Bucky the Chimp's bar and...well, you've seen that part of the story.

So the plot of this issue was written by Frank Tieri while the words are Tynion's. How much did Tieri get paid for basically telling the same story that has been told in all the other issues? "Here's the plot, guys: Batman has a bad thought which turns the Batman of a Dark Universe Earth into that Devastator guy. Things go wrong when Batman decides killing is okay! But then he realizes he can't save the world because the world is ending when Batjoker appears and takes him to Earth-0. Then, um, well, you know. Just end it like the others ended. Doctor Destiny appears to save the day or whatever. Then maybe Batman can put some gay magazines in Devastator's backpack to make him look gay. Ha ha!"

I would like to say I was surprised by this Finch...I mean Daniel double-page spread but Tumblr's confusiongrows already spoiled it for me. Also, it's Tony S. Daniel. Was anybody actually surprised by it?

I bet Tony S. Daniel can get a decent amount of money for the original art of this double-page spread because it features Lobo. Also it features Batman and Doomsday, sort of. Plus over thirty percent of it is snow and who doesn't like snow?!

At the end of this battle, Devastator throws Lobo into the sun. I think. I mean, it's not like they spend twelve to fifteen issues showing Lobo travelling through space before he winds up flying into the sun. Devastator just tosses him into the air and the next panel it looks like Lobo is about to hit the sun and then the next panel Lobo is saying, "Frag it all." But Lobo's hair and face aren't on fire in the third panel so maybe that panel is just Lobo about to leave the Earth's atmosphere as he realizes what's going to happen in about, um, two years maybe?

I just decided that I don't give a fuck about this movie. Unless, of course, the Mercedes is acknowledged as an actual member of the League.

I hope Volkswagen gets to be a member of the X-men next year.

Later, when Devastator is telling Lois the story about how he killed Superman on Earth-Negative-One, Tony S. Daniel gives us another double-page spread. This one has far less snow in it. But it has a lot of dust! That's practically snow. So if any of you snow lovers couldn't pick up the original art of the first page, I'm sure the dust on this page looks just like snow in pencil!

You know the rest of the story even if you haven't read this one. Or any of the tie-ins since the story is so basic. Batman decided to ignore his no killing rule and everything went to hell. I guess this one is a bit different in that Superman is the one who stopped being sane. But Batman still kills in it!

Dark Nights: Batman the Devastator #1 Ranking: The premise of this issue is that everybody gets lazy because Superman promises to keep them safe. That's the usual complaint against Superman. People stop protecting themselves or their world because Superman is always there to save the day. This is the kind of extrapolation that relies on believing that everybody on this planet are pathetic, lazy idiots who need looking after. I resent it! Why can't we believe other people are strong and smart and...oh wait. I forgot Donald Trump was president of the United States. Never mind.

Dark Nights: Batman the Merciless #1

Is that Deathstork's Godslayer sword?

On one hand, I should be thrilled to see Tomasi's name on one of these Batman the Adjective books, especially since the next one has both Tieri and Daniel's names on the cover. But I know Tomasi has a history of writing shit stories based on editorial edicts. I get how he wouldn't care about writing a story that isn't his own. I can see how writing a crap story based on an editor's crap ideas probably makes him feel good about sticking it to the man. Why can't they do like he did and stop editing to become a writer if they're so fucking great at coming up with stories?! My main problem with his rebellion is that the readers become collateral damage. Now I also have to read Tomasi's "just enough to cash a paycheck" story?! Well, I suppose it's better than being subjected to Batman the Merciless written and drawn by Rob Liefeld.

No fucking way. What am I saying?! I would love to mock that fucking book!

Batman the Merciless's origin story takes place on Earth-Negative-Twelve. According to the Multiversity Guidebook, Earth-12 (not Earth--12! (which also shouldn't be confused with Earth—12! (that's Earth with an em dash before the 12 if you couldn't figure out what makes it different from Earth-12!))) is where Batman Beyond takes place. It doesn't look like that's the case for Earth-Negative-Twelve. Although it's possible because what do I know about Batman Beyond except that it had so many recent terrible versions that I've grown to hate it more than I hate the regular DC Universe.

Some of you might be thinking, "How can you review DC Comics if you hate the DC Universe?" I'm much too polite to respond to that since my response would be "Fuck you! It's my choice to waste the precious moments in my finite life screaming and ranting like a lunatic because I wasted more money on total garbage!"

I mean, I kid, DC! I kid! Your universe is fantastic and imaginative! The people running DC must have a great imagination if they can somehow imagine Neal Adams is going to write and draw an entertaining take on Deadman. Did they read the last thing they let him write, The Coming of the Supermen? It was a total mess! It wasn't even sensical enough for me to use the term nonsensical! It was so far past nonsensical that anybody saying it had come back around to sensical are idiots because it was super nonsensical!

I kind of can't wait to read Neal Adams' Deadman now!

Before Wonder Batman came to Earth-Main-Earth, he was just plain old Batman battling Ares, the God of War. Everybody was dead except Batman and Ares. And since Ares was still one of the last two people left alive, it meant the two couldn't live in peace.

I suppose we should all be tolerant of cowboys but can't you at least make them wear the proper uniform for their current job?

Dark Nights: Batman the Merciless #1 Rating: Apparently I didn't have anything more to say about this story because I've just finished reading it. It was just like all the rest! Batman on a Negative Earth decided to drop his rule against killing and becomes a self-deluded monster. Then BatJoker convinces him to travel to Earth-Main-Earth where he can continue to act like an asshole. While the dialogue and characters were better written than in the previous Dark Nights tie-ins, the story was just as bland. I couldn't even figure out what bad thought of Batman's created this Negative World. It couldn't have been when he decides to wear Ares' helmet to save the world because that's exactly something Batman would do without a second thought. Maybe it was when he killed Wonder Woman after putting on the helmet. That's not a great thought, right? I suppose Batman was at a buffet somewhere and Wonder Woman took the last cup of pudding with Vanilla Wafers and he thought, just for a brief second, about killing her for it. That's when Earth-Negative-Twelve came into existence!

Dark Nights: Batman the Drowned #1

I can't wait to find out how Bruce Wayne got such a fantastic pair of tits.

I'm super excited to read yet another story about how Batman once had a dark thought that turned into a depressing world for a few minutes. I bet this time Batman's thought was "Why is this orange fucker on the team again?! If I had tits, they'd be more useful than this guy!" Then BAM! Earth-Negative-Guys-With-Awesome-Tits comes into existence! Why does that have to be a Dark Multiverse world? Why wasn't that one of Grant Morrison's 52 worlds? DC missed out on making a lot of money with that mistake.

You know what pisses me off? No, not 85% of DC's comics. The fact that Millennials think they invented eating ass! Eating ass as a Millennial is like dropping Cable TV when you have dozens of streaming options. It's not like you're sacrificing anything by giving up Comcast now! Also try eating ass in the 70s! That's real ass eating! Eating ass on a hairless person with impeccable grooming skills isn't a challenge! That's just doing something hot and sexy. If you were eating ass in the 60s and 70s, you were an adventuring spirit! A pioneer! You were the Columbus of your neighborhood! For the most part, it was okay to use Columbus as an example of an explorer in the 60s and 70s. I mean, it should be okay now too because explorers were mostly assholes. It's good to know what you're getting into by reminding everybody that Columbus wasn't the exception when it came to explorers. You can't really say "Stop glorifying Columbus! You should be glorifying decent explorers!" because the only decent explorers were the ones who got themselves killed before they could rape the native cultures with their dicks and guns and crosses.

Now I can't remember why I started talking about Columbus and his penchant for eating ass? Maybe I should just read the comic book!

Aquabat has come to Earth-Main-Earth to destroy it because it exists "at the expense" of the Dark Multiverse. That's illogical, Aquabat. You've been listening to Batjoker propaganda again, haven't you? Your world wasn't some kind of fuel for the regular DC Universe. Your world only exists because of the existence of the regular DC Universe. You should be thankful that you were given life by the regular DC Universe! Not that I'm thankful for the life my parents gave me. I seek to destroy them every day of my life. That's the logic you should be using! Hatred for having been brought non-consensually into this miserable existence! How dare they create this much angst and despair for one night of drinking wine and fucking after stuffing my sister's socking on Christmas Eve?! One night of pleasure they probably don't even remember resulted in forty-five years of a tortured existence that I'm frittering away on constant thoughts of not existing! That's why you should hate Earth-Main-Earth! Don't hate it because it lives and your world dies. Hate it because even though it knows the pain of living, it still creates other lives! I despise the arrogance of parents to think that the child wants to exist! I despise the neediness of parents who need to create a being to fill the hole left from the lack of love their parents bestowed on them daily! Why must I pay the price for my parents' careless night of fucking?!

Man, I hate when I'm reading comic books to distract from the eternal darkness of the looming grave when the comic book itself reminds me that death is still stalking me! Stupid comic book!

At least Aquabat has a great looking set of tits to look at as I read.

"This is my wish! And I'm taking it back. I'm taking them all back!"

The explanation for Bruce Wayne having magnificent tits occurs in a brief Narration Box where Aquabat thinks, "The gender roles are reversed here." I used the word "explanation" incorrectly in the last sentence. By saying the gender roles are reversed, does he mean the people who are women on Earth-Negative-Guys-With-Awesome-Tits are men on Earth-Main-Earth? Does that explain why he's a woman named Bruce? Or is he a man but men on Earth-Negative-Guys-With-Awesome-Tits would be considered women on Earth-Main-Earth? Am I using the correct pronoun for Aquabat? I can't tell because is being a woman actually considered being a man from his Dark Earth? Is that what he means by the gender roles being reversed"? My boner is super confused right now!

Oh! Everything becomes clear when the flashback happens and this is taking place on Earth-Negative-Eleven and also when I check back to the panel I scanned to see that Bruce Wayne is actually called Bryce Wayne. Is Bryce a non-gender specific name? Is any name, in this day and age, non-gender specific?! Down with parental labels that force a person (and others!) into seeing them as a specific gender! That's the fight we should be fighting! Also maybe the fight against circumcision. Can that be a major fight too? Hello? Anybody? Babies being mutilated here!

Anyway, now I have a question. If the Batman on Earth-Main-Earth is the Batman that Barbatos is obsessed with, why are all these Dark Earths, created by Earth-Main-Earth Batman's dark thoughts, not versions of Earth-Main-Earth? Oh wait! I have an answer to my question! Because Batjoker is actually the Dark Version of Earth-Main-Earth Batman. He just happened to recruit other versions of Dark Multiverse Batman before coming to the main universe. So Aquabat wasn't created from a stray thought of Earth-Main-Earth Batman. She was created by a stray thought from gender bent Earth-11 Batman! Okay, everything is straight now! Oh, I didn't mean that to sound like a micro-aggression! I just meant everything was back to normal! Oh man. That was a micro-aggression too, wasn't it? I just reiterated my implication that straight is normal!

Batwoman on Earth-Negative-Eleven decided to kill all the bad guys just like the Batperson on all the other negative Earths. Apparently that's Batman's constant dark thought on every world in which he exists. He just goes around thinking, "Why don't I just kill all of these assholes? Stupid Bat-Rules." On this world, he killed them all because they killed his lover Catman. Not that Catman! Differently gendered Selina Kyle! His name was Sylvester Kyle and my boner is disappointed that Catwoman had to get the gender bent treatment. I want to see Bryce and Selina make out. And yes that means I want to co-opt their lesbianism for my own heterosexual turn-ons! We can't all be saints!

Is the trident regarded as a phallic weapon or am I picturing dicks incorrectly?

I know I have a lot of fun attacking bad writers and artists in a hyperbolic way but whenever I hear Jim Lee give an interview, I feel bad about complaining about his scribbles all over the art he does. I genuinely like Jim Lee so much that it makes me hate myself for every time I critiqued a piece of his art that I didn't care for. Even though my hyperbolic rants are meant to be taken as the over-the-top ridiculous rantings of a rabid comic book fan, I know many people take this shit seriously instead of absorbing the whimsical feeling I have while while writing it. And since I like Jim Lee so much, I have to confront the fact that I might even like Scott Lobdell or (God forbid!) Cullen Bunn! Maybe I should stop being so mean? I mean so directly mean! I can be indirectly mean by making fun of the comic book and specific pieces of art that I scan because there's something wrong with them (like the way every colorist always fucks up the stripes in the American flag)! What I'm trying to say is this: "Jim Lee, I love you and I wish you were my father."

So Bryce transformed herself into Aquabat to defeat all of the Atlanteans on Earth-Negative-Eleven. You know the story from the past Dark Nights books. Batperson wins but still can't save the world. Batjoker arrives with the shuttle to Earth-Main-Earth. Everybody rides the train to funkytown. Earth-Main-Earth suffers horribly because the Justice League are terrible at saving the lives of people who don't get to be characters in the comic book. It seems it's okay to kill thousands of people nowadays and still finish the story with the idea that the good guys somehow won.

Aquabat turns Mera into one of its drowned henchman and then Doctor Fate saves Aquaman. Couldn't he have gotten there a bit sooner and saved Mera too? Or just saved Mera, really. Nobody cares about Aquaman.

Dark Nights: Batman the Drowned #1 Rating: Apparently I'm reading a different comic book than all of the comic book review sites on the Internet. According to the advertisement for Metal in this issue, other reviewers are saying embarrassing things like "Like a good guitar lick, it'll melt your face off." Who writes that and thinks it's clever? Worse, who reads that and thinks it's clever enough to be used as a review blurb?! Here's another good one because it shows they know all about the metal music genre: "Just hold on tight and ride the lightning." Since it's an Internet quote, I'm surprised they weren't asking us to ride the "lightening." It's as if these reviewers heard about the concept of this comic series and wrote their reviews on that! Because I agree with the review that said "one of the most viscerally exciting comics series to kick off this year." But I only agreed with it before I read all of these tie-in Dark Nights books! And I only agreed with it before I had to actually think about most of Scott Snyder's plot points! I mean, I still agree with it in that I love this kind of comic book shit! And I'll love it even when it's not as good as I was hoping it would be. It's just that I can't bring myself to laud something in this way simply because it gets the comic book nerd inside me erect. I expect the writing to give me that same visceral feeling! It's just that it never does. Especially these fucking Dark Knight Origin Stories that are all basically the same.

I think to write the kind of glowing reviews that Internet comic book lovers write, I need to just read the comic book without writing about it, not think about it while I'm not writing about it, somehow maintain a boner through whatever means necessary while reading it (to, you know, keep my interest and keep some of the blood out of my brain), and then talk about it with a really stupid friend who can't get enough of all the comic books. Then maybe I'd walk away thinking, "That was fucking awesome!" It's also possible I'm simply dead inside.