The Authority #25 (October 2001)

"No Homo!"

It has previously been established that Last Call shouts his name when he murders somebody by punching them in the face. It's also been established that he's completely terrified that somebody might think he's gay. So I've solved his problems by renaming him No Homo! Now whenever he murders a man by touching that man in a way that might cause some homophobes to think, "Ew! That man just touched another man!", he can scream, "No Homo!" and they'll think, "Oh, okay! I was unclear whether or not that was homosexual. I may have been distracted by how much my butthole itches because I'm too straight to wipe. The butt is the gay place!"

Last Call attacks a Space Asian who melts all over him and they both disappear into the Æther. Teuton distracts the rest of the space fleet by flying them to the jungles of some South American nation where their attack on Earth will help New Authority kill a bunch of drug runners. The rest of New Authority head back to The Carrier to discuss how much trouble they're in since they've discovered the Space Asians and the Poverty Bomb are their fault. They dumped the refugees in Re-Space and now they've Re-turned to get Re-venge. The Colonel gets pissed off when it's evident that he's the one who's going to get blamed since he's in charge. He also gets scared because punishment by his government masters comes in the form of a meeting with Hillbilly Assassin, Seth. And that guy doesn't just murder people. He also ejaculates himself inside people so he can explode out of their nether orifices. Sometimes he fucks and eats them and shits them out before fucking and eating them again.

Last Call finds himself caged in Re-Space where he gets a lesson on how it all works and why the attack on Earth happened so suddenly after dumping the bodies.

That's a lot of word to say, "We're going to fuck you the way you fucked us."

Speaking of fucking, this Re-Spaced Southeast Asian Refugee discovers Last Call's worst fear: being homosexual. So he's all, "I can think you homosexual and then you'll be homosexual and you'll just love dick so much!" And Last Call is all, "*drool drool drool*"

I don't know if the drool is from the ball gag in his mouth or the thought of what it will soon be replaced with. Dick. It's going to be replaced with dicks.

If Last Call had learned anything about psychic defenses, he could have fooled the Re-Space guy into thinking his worst fear was butt sex with a hot woman! Then the guy would have been, "Ha ha! I can imagine you having loads of butt sex with hot women for all eternity!" Then Last Call would have died from jizzing so hard at the thought. So maybe it's good he didn't have any psychic preparations for this attack.

I'm not going to discuss the issue with making Last Call gay as punishment because it's not like this guy is all, "Being gay is a punishment for everybody!" He's just all, "Being gay would be a punishment for you and I fucking can't stand you so now you're gay, sir."

Chaplain Action kicks Colonel's ass hard enough to make him understand that he needs to lead New Authority and they need to save the world. So they all buck up and head into Re-Space to re-murder the re-fugees they re-cently re-moved from The Carrier. They descend on the Space Asians who immediately unthink them out of existence. They then re-think up The Authority and they're back to life!

Couldn't they have at least have re-placed Swift with Rush?

How does Jenny Sparks know she missed anything? Does she remember dying? Shouldn't she be overwhelmed by confusion?

The Authority #25 Rating: B-. Hopefully this isn't how The Authority return to their world. It would be a major cop-out when obviously Mark Millar had something planned for his four part story before Frank Quitely quit. Especially since Jenny Quantum survived somewhere on Earth after Midnighter escaped with her and hid her. What would happen if the Spirit of the 20th Century and the Spirit of the 21st Century co-existed?! Plus Jack Hawksmoor was inside Seth's torso and I was really looking forward to Jack kicking Seth's spine out of him from the inside.