New boobs. Who dis?
This issue has a cover date of August 2001 and is written by Tom Peyer. The last issue had a cover date of March 2001 and was written by Mark Millar. This is the first of a four issue story entitled "Transfer of Power." Millar's was the first of a four issue story titled "Brave New World." I don't know what happened between March and August of 2001 but it doesn't feel like this was entirely planned. I surmised that Millar's story, "Brave New World," was going to be delayed while this story, "Transfer of Power," gets told in a way reminiscent of The Book of A Thousand Nights and a Night but I didn't expect a four month delay between the stories. Was Millar suddenly not available for seven or eight months and couldn't finish his story so Tom Peyer had to step in to write a little tale about the new Authority? How long is the sentence for decapitating somebody in a bar brawl?
I have a vague, nagging memory of this delay in the series and my own confusion about the story arcs. I don't read comic books month to month anymore because I'm 53 years old and my brain can't be bothered to remember the details of a story that's told 20 pages at a time in 30 day increments. Hell, I had trouble back when I was 30 and reading this! It's basically why I stopped reading comic books the first time (before I restarted by reading every issue of The New 52 for this blog (which was started so that I could refresh my memory by reading my synopsis of the previous issue the month before)). Imagine reading the first issue of a four part story and then four months later, a new issue of the comic book comes out but it doesn't continue the story you had forgotten you'd been reading. And to top it all off, you've suddenly got a new Authority! The only reason I'd say I wasn't totally confused is that I was a thirty year old white super-duper heterosexual man (super-duper meaning my penis was constantly hungover from pussy sex) and I had just read the first appearance of the Hillbilly Assassin, the most shocking character to ever be written as a character expected to shock people, and I was certainly jonesing to read more about him. Then this shit came out and it didn't have the most homophobic, incestuous, rapey, inbred, racist, misogynist character to ever be written since Aquaman? You better believe I was all, "Dude! Dude? DUDE!"
I have a vague, nagging memory of this delay in the series and my own confusion about the story arcs. I don't read comic books month to month anymore because I'm 53 years old and my brain can't be bothered to remember the details of a story that's told 20 pages at a time in 30 day increments. Hell, I had trouble back when I was 30 and reading this! It's basically why I stopped reading comic books the first time (before I restarted by reading every issue of The New 52 for this blog (which was started so that I could refresh my memory by reading my synopsis of the previous issue the month before)). Imagine reading the first issue of a four part story and then four months later, a new issue of the comic book comes out but it doesn't continue the story you had forgotten you'd been reading. And to top it all off, you've suddenly got a new Authority! The only reason I'd say I wasn't totally confused is that I was a thirty year old white super-duper heterosexual man (super-duper meaning my penis was constantly hungover from pussy sex) and I had just read the first appearance of the Hillbilly Assassin, the most shocking character to ever be written as a character expected to shock people, and I was certainly jonesing to read more about him. Then this shit came out and it didn't have the most homophobic, incestuous, rapey, inbred, racist, misogynist character to ever be written since Aquaman? You better believe I was all, "Dude! Dude? DUDE!"
From Page One, you can tell Millar's not writing this. And not just because the credits say written by Tom Peyer!
After Warren Ellis and Mark Millar wrote the crap on a stick out of this book, you'd never expect to read characters saying, "Crap on a stick." That's like a baby version of Ellis and Millar! Ellis would probably have had these characters saying, "Cigarettes! In a well-satisfied vagina!" And Millar would have been all, "Bloody diarrhea! In a dead whore's cunt!" Crap on a stick?! Who allowed these candy-ass virgins to be the new Authority?! This is fucking disgusting! I hope the Hillbilly Assassin gets them next!
What New Apollo and New Doctor are crapping on a stick about is a room on The Carrier full of dead and injured Southeast Asian refugees that everybody forgot about after The Carrier crashed. Too bad they found this room before the orgy room full of dead and injured hot naked people.
Man. Imagine crashing to your death with your penis inside a warm vagina or butthole? Hell, imagine your penis inside a warm vagina or butthole without the crashing part? Some people are so lucky.
One of the refugees startles New Midnighter.
What New Apollo and New Doctor are crapping on a stick about is a room on The Carrier full of dead and injured Southeast Asian refugees that everybody forgot about after The Carrier crashed. Too bad they found this room before the orgy room full of dead and injured hot naked people.
Man. Imagine crashing to your death with your penis inside a warm vagina or butthole? Hell, imagine your penis inside a warm vagina or butthole without the crashing part? Some people are so lucky.
One of the refugees startles New Midnighter.
I know Millar didn't write this but I can't stop the Decapitation Count while decapitations are still happening! Decapitation Count: 12!
Does screaming "Last Call!" when you punch a guy in the neck so hard his head pops off make sense? Would anything you could yell at that moment make any sense? "YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO HOME BUT YOU CAN'T STAY HERE!"
The most useless member of New Authority is named Rush. I'm not sure why the G7 nations who created the New Authority to do their economic bidding would recreate Swift. She's so useless! Maybe they only did it because Swift was a nymphomaniac who loves fucking teenage boys who can't satisfy her. But the old men running the G7 probably designed Rush to love fucking old men who ejaculate gray powder so slowly you'd think the limpest, most deformed bean bag had sprung a small leak. She is really cute and her first words in this comic are about how she loves flying The Carrier so much that she could cream. That makes me think dirty thoughts even if it also makes me thinking of Grease and now I want to fuck a Maraschino cherry for some reason.
The most useless member of New Authority is named Rush. I'm not sure why the G7 nations who created the New Authority to do their economic bidding would recreate Swift. She's so useless! Maybe they only did it because Swift was a nymphomaniac who loves fucking teenage boys who can't satisfy her. But the old men running the G7 probably designed Rush to love fucking old men who ejaculate gray powder so slowly you'd think the limpest, most deformed bean bag had sprung a small leak. She is really cute and her first words in this comic are about how she loves flying The Carrier so much that she could cream. That makes me think dirty thoughts even if it also makes me thinking of Grease and now I want to fuck a Maraschino cherry for some reason.
I solved the mystery of why she's so adorable and sexy at the same time: the overalls!
I love a woman in overalls! Especially when they aren't wearing a shirt underneath and you get to see loads of side boob and cleavage! I failed Biology in college because a girl used to sit next to me who loved to wear overalls. I think that's a true story. At the very least, it's a true excuse.
New Jenny Sparks is some neo-Nazi British punk. Pretty sure he got the job because he's got the accent and loves to smoke and says "arse" instead of "ass". He also probably puts his ending punctuation outside of the quotes like I do even though I'm not British. I'm just logical. Although I think the Union Jack leather jacket is a bit over-the-top. His name is Colonel. Possibly Colonel Noun but the "noun" hasn't been mentioned yet.
New Apollo's name is Teuton which disturbs me for Hitlerian reasons. But never mind why he's called that because look at how adorable and hot Rush is being now!
New Jenny Sparks is some neo-Nazi British punk. Pretty sure he got the job because he's got the accent and loves to smoke and says "arse" instead of "ass". He also probably puts his ending punctuation outside of the quotes like I do even though I'm not British. I'm just logical. Although I think the Union Jack leather jacket is a bit over-the-top. His name is Colonel. Possibly Colonel Noun but the "noun" hasn't been mentioned yet.
New Apollo's name is Teuton which disturbs me for Hitlerian reasons. But never mind why he's called that because look at how adorable and hot Rush is being now!
This is just before Colonel throws melted metal into her eyeball.
Don't worry! Rush's eye is fine! She has super powers, remember?
New Doctor calls himself Surgeon; New Jack Hawksmoor calls himself Street; New Engineer calls herself Machine. They're the least imaginative people to have this job since the last batch who were killed by a rancid hillbilly. That doesn't mean the last group were unimaginative! It just means they're the only other Authority I can compare the imaginations of this Authority with and this Authority's imagination is so, so much worse. Remember, the previous Authority had members called "The Engineer" and "The Doctor". Pretty sad.
Oh shit. New Midnighter's name is Last Call. So he just screams out his own name when he kills people, like a homicidal Pokemon?
The New Authority dump the refugees (dead and living) into The Bleed because they don't want to have to do any paperwork or discuss problems with the G7 leaders. Also it's an easy way to establish that they're assholes who don't actually care about helping people. They're simply being paid to do whatever the leaders of the seven wealthiest nations tell them to do.
Whoops!
New Doctor calls himself Surgeon; New Jack Hawksmoor calls himself Street; New Engineer calls herself Machine. They're the least imaginative people to have this job since the last batch who were killed by a rancid hillbilly. That doesn't mean the last group were unimaginative! It just means they're the only other Authority I can compare the imaginations of this Authority with and this Authority's imagination is so, so much worse. Remember, the previous Authority had members called "The Engineer" and "The Doctor". Pretty sad.
Oh shit. New Midnighter's name is Last Call. So he just screams out his own name when he kills people, like a homicidal Pokemon?
The New Authority dump the refugees (dead and living) into The Bleed because they don't want to have to do any paperwork or discuss problems with the G7 leaders. Also it's an easy way to establish that they're assholes who don't actually care about helping people. They're simply being paid to do whatever the leaders of the seven wealthiest nations tell them to do.
Whoops!
Meanwhile in Washington, DC, a meeting of the President and all the G7 leaders is interrupted by a reality warping explosion that turns them all into refugees themselves. Coincidence or does this have to do with the area of The Bleed the refugees were dumped in, a dimension called "Respace"? Who cares? I hope Rush wears even less clothing next issue!
The Authority #23 Rating: B. Not a lot happened and it's weird to start a new story in the middle of Millar's other story. But I love Elseworlds stories and this has the same kind of vibe (vibe used as it has always been used and not how the new kids use it!). My tummy feels funny when I read this because it can't handle not giving a shit about Swift and now being totally enamored by Rush. What is this strange feeling I haven't felt since that time that girl with the big boobs threw herself across my back and just leaned on me at the ice rink when I was like fourteen?
The Authority #23 Rating: B. Not a lot happened and it's weird to start a new story in the middle of Millar's other story. But I love Elseworlds stories and this has the same kind of vibe (vibe used as it has always been used and not how the new kids use it!). My tummy feels funny when I read this because it can't handle not giving a shit about Swift and now being totally enamored by Rush. What is this strange feeling I haven't felt since that time that girl with the big boobs threw herself across my back and just leaned on me at the ice rink when I was like fourteen?
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