The Authority #24 (September 2001)

The Authority. The Monarchy. Now The Establishment? Will next issue introduce The Hall Monitors?

P.S. for the last review: So I read the letters page and it explained why The Authority was delayed from March to August. Frank Quitely quit. He got a better offer and possibly was exhausted from drawing so many decapitations. The new artist chosen to replace Frank Quitely, Arthur Adams, had some shit he had to finish up. And since the story was at a place where a New Authority had just appeared, everybody got the great idea to just throw in a story where they were the main characters. I don't know how anything works but I guess eight months was finally enough time to get the story, "Brave New World", back on track. So that's that story. Here's another one:

After Issue #29, Garth Ennis was meant to take over The Authority. And after that, Brian Azzarello. But it never happened and now those runs of The Authority only exist in Sandman's library. Maybe I'll try to read them in my sleep over the next few months so I can do reviews of them.

This issue begins with New Authority being led in prayer by Pope Ultimate Nick Fury. That's when I, being far less astute than the average comic book reader, realize each member of New Authority are nationals of each of the seven countries in Wildstorm Earth's G7 nations: Colonel from the United Kingdom, Machine from Japan, Streets from the United States of America, my girlfriend Rush from Canada, The Surgeon from France, Teuton from duh, and Last Call from Italy. Last Call is heterosexual, by the way. He mentions his girlfriend every chance he gets. I'm surprised he didn't take the name No Homo.

Machine, you foul temptress! Your ass will not make me forget my girl Machine! I mean Rush!

New Authority uses religion the same way Republicans use it: as camouflage for gullible jerks and/or selfish bastards who know better but appreciate the flimsy appearance of religiosity. I suspect that the reason Conservatives love the term "virtue signaler" so much is that all they do is virtue signal. They pay lip service to patriotism and faith to cloak their actual despicable selves. Knowing that all they do is virtue signal by wearing a cross, saying a prayer, and hanging an American flag in front of their house, they suspect that anybody who actually fucking cares about others and shows any signs of compassion must be doing it, like them, for show. We all know they don't understand comprehension of language so forget thinking they can ever rationally deconstruct anything correctly. It's why they're constantly telling on themselves by accusing others of doing what they do. It's probably because they don't read many books (and by "books", I don't mean self-help shit or get rich quick fuckery or The Bible (although The Bible is well worth the read, especially if you want to understand 95% of all Western Civilization literature (and that's the only reason to read it, really))).

Action Chaplain calls Last Call and Teuton aside to let them know that he's always available to talk about, well, you know.

Since he's so fucking touchy about it, he really should think about changing the name to No Homo.

It turns out it wasn't just Washington, DC, that got hit with the Poverty Ray. Every place else in the world was also hit. But only the top 1% of earners have been turned into poor refugees. New Authority steals food and supplies from humanitarian efforts in starving nations to redirect them to the now starving and poor rich folks. The problem with The Authority was that they wanted to make the world a better place for everybody. New Authority has fixed that and they're ready to make the world a better place for the people who already have everything better. Which, if you're able to comprehend anything at all, means making the world a worse place for those who already have it worse.

Sound familiar, you fucking Trump voting morons? Oh no! Did I call you a moron? I must be an elite! And now I've forced you to dig in and be an even worse person than you already were because I pointed out how terrible and dumb you already are! Although, why do you care if people can't stand you for trying to make the world worse for so Others? Why do you need to be liked by the people you despise? What's wrong with your mental health, my friend? If you want to be liked, there's a really fucking easy way to get that. Don't be an asshole. It's really pretty easy! Hey, I wrote a poem about it! Maybe you can benefit from my amazing poetry!

—————

Clubs
By Grunion Guy

I joined a club called "Fuck You, White Power Bitches"
It was a pretty easy club to join
It didn't cost me anything and I don't have to pay any yearly dues
Sometimes I have to speak up
So that, you know, white power bitches know I think they should go fuck themselves
But that's not too hard
It's even fun most of the time

The interesting thing about this club is that it accepts members from all sorts of other clubs
You can be both a member of the "Republican Club" and "Fuck You, White Power Bitches," if you want
I only mention that because it doesn't seem a lot of people in the "Republican Club" realize it
They seem to have a problem with the uncivil "Fuck You" part of the club title
When they should have a problem with the "White Power" people the club wants to go fuck themselves

I'm also well aware that some people have a problem with the "Bitches" part of the club title
But I'm part of the club "I Like Saying Bitches So I Refuse To Stop Saying It"
Even though it would cost me practically nothing to stop saying the word "bitches"
It's like how in high school in the 80s, I used to use "faggot" as a swear word
(Probably influenced greatly by Mark Knopfler's use of the word by his blue collar, computer animated characters singing "Money For Nothing")
Until one day, I finally realized how fucked up that was and, whether I meant it or not,
I was making the world a worse place by using that word when I could easily just be saying "shit"
Even members of "I Like Saying Bitches So I Refuse To Stop Saying It" are allowed to be a part of "Fuck You, White Power Dickheads"

You know what?
I just decided to stop saying "bitches" because I thought about it for like half a second and realized it still costs me nothing to try and be a better person to my fellow human beings
When you think about it, it actually costs less to stop saying "bitches" than to have to say, "I'm using it in a non-derogatory fashion because language is fluid and shouldn't be a person-sized saddle we've strapped to our own backs but a tool we can rationally and systematically change over time" every single time that somebody within earshot hears it and looks at you horrified
It's much easier to not say it than to get into a debate about free speech with everybody you offend after using it
And pretty soon, you just stop using it which lowers the amount of systemic bias towards women by a small but not inconsequential amount

It's like every time you refer to a large black man as intimidating
You're increasing the systemic bias toward the belief that large black men are dangerous
You're actively making the world a more dangerous place for large black men
No matter how many people you assure that you were just making a dumb joke

You know what's even easier than not saying a hurtful word or continuing a harmful stereotype?
Decrying white power
It's actually much more work to have to explain why you won't extricate yourself from ties to white power every time you wind up publicly embracing some tenet of white power

I suppose I can understand how much you love trolling the Libtards with your 4Chan nonsense
It can be hard to give up things that make you laugh, like making up white power signs and then flashing them constantly
Afterward, you get to laugh at all the libs you owned by making them think you're a white supremacist
Because you acted like a white supremacist in public
Which is so funny because did they think you were serious? How dumb are they?!
Acting like a white supremacist and causing oppressed and under-represented people to feel intimidated by your actions isn't actual white supremacy!
I mean, it's the definition of it, I suppose
But if you think about it at all for any length of time, it was a joke!
Stop being so hurt by casual, jokey racism, you free speech haters
Is probably what you're typing right now on your Reddit board and your Twitter feed

Anyway, I have to get to my "Fuck You, White Power Dickheads" club meeting now
It's not a scheduled meeting, really
It's just me going outside my front door
And making the world a better place for everybody
Fuck you, white power dickheads.

—————

Um, anyway, Colonel is all, "Don't be too quick about figuring out how to return the 1% because they suck and if we're lucky, Seth was turned into a refugee as well." Actually he doesn't say the bit about Seth but he should probably be thinking it. Why not kill Seth now when he's been transformed so they don't have to worry about the G7 eventually sending Seth after them? They can run the fucking world themselves if they take out Seth!

It's about time somebody had the balls to say it!

Remember that old guy, Doctor Jacob Krigstein? He's the Jack Kirby insert but instead of creating comic book heroes, he creates actual heroes (who are comic book heroes to you and me so, well, let's not delve too deeply here. I don't want to have to battle some Derrida-esque Balrog). The Authority hired him so that he'd stop destroying the world but the reader never saw how The Authority utilized him. Whatever he was doing, it's interrupted by his realization that Marvel continues to hold the copyright on all of his characters and continue to use them for their own ends, raking in the money while doing so. Oh, did I say Marvel? I meant the United States of America. He's especially upset by their creation of the New Authority even though he had nothing to do with the original Authority. That was all Henry Bendix, wasn't it? Anyway, Doctor Krigstein is still creating because he's dreamed up seven new characters to kick the shit out of New Authority. I won't scan in the picture because it wouldn't be any use. When they're revealed, they're all in silhouette. One of them is smoking though so maybe a new Jenny Sparks? Two of them aren't fucking though so they may or may not be a new Apollo and a new Midnighter.

Have I mentioned that Teuton cries at the drop of a dead Southeastern Asian (and anything else that can be dropped, apparently)? Last Call can't stand it because he thinks the public will think a man who can show his emotions must be gay and that, by association, they'll think he's gay too. Last Call's really fucking insecure, isn't he? The two of them are in Beverly Hills helping feed the new poorly rich when a bunch of spaceships fly through a Door (a blue door and not a yellow door so not from The Carrier) and begin burning everything in sight. Teuton tears open the cockpit of one to see who's taking advantage of the reverse rich pandemic to attack Earth.

Why not Space Asians?

Oh boy. Looks like dumping the refugees into The Bleed's really coming back to bite New Authority in the ass. Last Call's going to be really uncomfortable about that description of their fucking around and finding out. Hmm, he might not like that description either. If I were Last Call, I would be taking publicity pictures of me licking Teuton's balls based on the amount of money they're being paid to do this gig. They haven't actually said how much it is but even if it's only thirty ground, get those balls in my mouth!

I'm starting to think maybe I just want some balls in my mouth.

Streets and The Surgeon have a brief discussion about the Vietnam War (being that Streets is American and The Surgeon is French) and it's some really good chatter because I know a lot of Americans that would be butthurt by this kind of talk.

Ha ha! Losers.

Growing up in the '70s and '80s, basically in the shadow of the Vietnam War, it was always weird to hear people constantly talk about how America had never lost a war, and how great America was at defending the world, and how little discussion of how imperialist the USA was and how they wielded their power for so many reasons beyond that of "the good of the world" that I couldn't help but be constantly confused. If America was so great and honorable and good, what's up with Vietnam? Why is everybody ignoring this thing that we did and this war that we lost and the terrible fucking atrocities our country gets up to? Was everybody just trying to memory hole it because it actively argued against the United States being the greatest country? The first time I realized there were people out there who weren't confused and who knew what the fuck was what the fuck, I was standing in line at Togo's on Lafayette and Benton in Santa Clara, California. I don't remember the exact book I was reading but it was Kurt Vonnegut. And he was discussing how America had lost the Vietnam War. There was then, as I remember it, a break in the text like this:

* * * * * * * * * * *

Losers.

* * * * * * * * * * *

God how I laughed! It was just such a stark and simply stated version of what everybody constantly seemed to be denying. It's not that people around me didn't mention Vietnam, or sometimes discuss it. My father had fought in Vietnam (although that didn't help me understand it being that he left when I was two and never really talked about it). There were documentaries about it. Obviously while it happened (I was not alive for most of it and a baby when America fled Saigon), it was criticized and protested against and all-around a really fucking bad look for the country. But it seemed as the dust settled, the people who never really thought of it as a bad thing anyway took the stage, swept all the unpleasantness under the rug, and went back to normal "America is the greatest country" bullshit that the weirdest, most uncritical, and worst people of every generation (so, you know, Reaganites) want to be the narrative. Reading Vonnegut just outright take a moment to call the United States of America losers was a saving moment for my sanity. There were people who didn't flee from reality. They spoke the truth of things in simple ways. I kept reading Vonnegut and he rarely disappointed. I've been re-reading him lately and, in the way people who tell the Truth during their time always manage to nail, everything he says remains true or gets even more true with time. He writes with a clarity of vision that makes it impossible for people who label themselves Conservative today to ever actually enjoy his writing. If I ever meet a Conservative who proclaims Kurt Vonnegut is their favorite writer, or Star Trek: The Next Generation is their favorite television show, I'll simply call them a liar and be done with them.

Back to the comic book, Machine realizes the ships attacking Earth are from the area of The Bleed where they dropped off the refugees (a place called "Re-Space". I've just been calling it The Bleed in a general sense because "Re-Space" was fucking stupid and a total throw away "Look at the weird space The Carrier is currently flying!" line.

The Authority #24 Rating: B. It took these idiots long enough to realize that they caused all this. First everybody turns into Southeast Asian refugees and they go, "What caused this?" Then they realize it's the top 1% who have turned into refugees and they're all, "This will help us hide that thing we did to the refugees until we can figure out a good lie to cover our idiocy!" And then Earth is attacked by Southeast Asians in battle ships and they're all, "Weird. Space Asians!" But finally Machine is all, "Oh, those ships are from the same place we dumped the bodies. What a coincidence!" But then Colonel is all, "Oh shit." Seth gonna turn them into Fuck Doll Dessert.

The Authority #23 (August 2001)

New boobs. Who dis?

This issue has a cover date of August 2001 and is written by Tom Peyer. The last issue had a cover date of March 2001 and was written by Mark Millar. This is the first of a four issue story entitled "Transfer of Power." Millar's was the first of a four issue story titled "Brave New World." I don't know what happened between March and August of 2001 but it doesn't feel like this was entirely planned. I surmised that Millar's story, "Brave New World," was going to be delayed while this story, "Transfer of Power," gets told in a way reminiscent of The Book of A Thousand Nights and a Night but I didn't expect a four month delay between the stories. Was Millar suddenly not available for seven or eight months and couldn't finish his story so Tom Peyer had to step in to write a little tale about the new Authority? How long is the sentence for decapitating somebody in a bar brawl?

I have a vague, nagging memory of this delay in the series and my own confusion about the story arcs. I don't read comic books month to month anymore because I'm 53 years old and my brain can't be bothered to remember the details of a story that's told 20 pages at a time in 30 day increments. Hell, I had trouble back when I was 30 and reading this! It's basically why I stopped reading comic books the first time (before I restarted by reading every issue of The New 52 for this blog (which was started so that I could refresh my memory by reading my synopsis of the previous issue the month before)). Imagine reading the first issue of a four part story and then four months later, a new issue of the comic book comes out but it doesn't continue the story you had forgotten you'd been reading. And to top it all off, you've suddenly got a new Authority! The only reason I'd say I wasn't totally confused is that I was a thirty year old white super-duper heterosexual man (super-duper meaning my penis was constantly hungover from pussy sex) and I had just read the first appearance of the Hillbilly Assassin, the most shocking character to ever be written as a character expected to shock people, and I was certainly jonesing to read more about him. Then this shit came out and it didn't have the most homophobic, incestuous, rapey, inbred, racist, misogynist character to ever be written since Aquaman? You better believe I was all, "Dude! Dude? DUDE!"

From Page One, you can tell Millar's not writing this. And not just because the credits say written by Tom Peyer!

After Warren Ellis and Mark Millar wrote the crap on a stick out of this book, you'd never expect to read characters saying, "Crap on a stick." That's like a baby version of Ellis and Millar! Ellis would probably have had these characters saying, "Cigarettes! In a well-satisfied vagina!" And Millar would have been all, "Bloody diarrhea! In a dead whore's cunt!" Crap on a stick?! Who allowed these candy-ass virgins to be the new Authority?! This is fucking disgusting! I hope the Hillbilly Assassin gets them next!

What New Apollo and New Doctor are crapping on a stick about is a room on The Carrier full of dead and injured Southeast Asian refugees that everybody forgot about after The Carrier crashed. Too bad they found this room before the orgy room full of dead and injured hot naked people.

Man. Imagine crashing to your death with your penis inside a warm vagina or butthole? Hell, imagine your penis inside a warm vagina or butthole without the crashing part? Some people are so lucky.

One of the refugees startles New Midnighter.

I know Millar didn't write this but I can't stop the Decapitation Count while decapitations are still happening! Decapitation Count: 12!

Does screaming "Last Call!" when you punch a guy in the neck so hard his head pops off make sense? Would anything you could yell at that moment make any sense? "YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO HOME BUT YOU CAN'T STAY HERE!"

The most useless member of New Authority is named Rush. I'm not sure why the G7 nations who created the New Authority to do their economic bidding would recreate Swift. She's so useless! Maybe they only did it because Swift was a nymphomaniac who loves fucking teenage boys who can't satisfy her. But the old men running the G7 probably designed Rush to love fucking old men who ejaculate gray powder so slowly you'd think the limpest, most deformed bean bag had sprung a small leak. She is really cute and her first words in this comic are about how she loves flying The Carrier so much that she could cream. That makes me think dirty thoughts even if it also makes me thinking of Grease and now I want to fuck a Maraschino cherry for some reason.

I solved the mystery of why she's so adorable and sexy at the same time: the overalls!

I love a woman in overalls! Especially when they aren't wearing a shirt underneath and you get to see loads of side boob and cleavage! I failed Biology in college because a girl used to sit next to me who loved to wear overalls. I think that's a true story. At the very least, it's a true excuse.

New Jenny Sparks is some neo-Nazi British punk. Pretty sure he got the job because he's got the accent and loves to smoke and says "arse" instead of "ass". He also probably puts his ending punctuation outside of the quotes like I do even though I'm not British. I'm just logical. Although I think the Union Jack leather jacket is a bit over-the-top. His name is Colonel. Possibly Colonel Noun but the "noun" hasn't been mentioned yet.

New Apollo's name is Teuton which disturbs me for Hitlerian reasons. But never mind why he's called that because look at how adorable and hot Rush is being now!

This is just before Colonel throws melted metal into her eyeball.

Don't worry! Rush's eye is fine! She has super powers, remember?

New Doctor calls himself Surgeon; New Jack Hawksmoor calls himself Street; New Engineer calls herself Machine. They're the least imaginative people to have this job since the last batch who were killed by a rancid hillbilly. That doesn't mean the last group were unimaginative! It just means they're the only other Authority I can compare the imaginations of this Authority with and this Authority's imagination is so, so much worse. Remember, the previous Authority had members called "The Engineer" and "The Doctor". Pretty sad.

Oh shit. New Midnighter's name is Last Call. So he just screams out his own name when he kills people, like a homicidal Pokemon?

The New Authority dump the refugees (dead and living) into The Bleed because they don't want to have to do any paperwork or discuss problems with the G7 leaders. Also it's an easy way to establish that they're assholes who don't actually care about helping people. They're simply being paid to do whatever the leaders of the seven wealthiest nations tell them to do.

Whoops!

Meanwhile in Washington, DC, a meeting of the President and all the G7 leaders is interrupted by a reality warping explosion that turns them all into refugees themselves. Coincidence or does this have to do with the area of The Bleed the refugees were dumped in, a dimension called "Respace"? Who cares? I hope Rush wears even less clothing next issue!

The Authority #23 Rating: B. Not a lot happened and it's weird to start a new story in the middle of Millar's other story. But I love Elseworlds stories and this has the same kind of vibe (vibe used as it has always been used and not how the new kids use it!). My tummy feels funny when I read this because it can't handle not giving a shit about Swift and now being totally enamored by Rush. What is this strange feeling I haven't felt since that time that girl with the big boobs threw herself across my back and just leaned on me at the ice rink when I was like fourteen?