Monday, October 12, 2015

Cyborg #3

Essay Assignment: Discuss the differences between "detailed" and "so busy my eyes exploded."

Anonymous really said my blog was "wannabe edgy" and now I feel pressure to live up to that standard! But I'm also currently commenting on Cyborg and I feel like "wannabe edgy" can easily get away from me to become "outrageously racist." Maybe I should just bash Columbus for awhile. Just to get everybody on my side, you know?

I wouldn't have even known this was Columbus Day if it wasn't for all of the people bitching about Columbus Day. To be fair to Columbus Day (which I do because I'm better than Columbus Day and won't let it destroy my compassionate humanity!), I never remember any holiday that occurs on Monday. I work every Monday no matter what. Unless New Year's Eve takes place on Monday and then forget about it because I don't want to be on the road with all of you drunks. And by "you drunks" I'm specifically referencing everybody who regularly reads this blog. I think I know my audience. Anyway, my Marvel Superhero calendar takes the right approach with Columbus Day. It doesn't even label it.

Hey guys! Did you know Columbus was pro-guns and anti-abortion?! He constantly used racial slurs and would point out how Islam was the religion of violence to anybody who would listen. Back in Italy, he was constantly telling women to smile. He was always, "Ay! Imma nice-a guy! Why-a you no wanna sleep wit' me?! Bah! Puttana!"

I don't know Italian swear words so I had to ask Lord Google how to say "bitch" in Italian. As I did, I found out that "troia" means slut or whore in Italian. Is that why Marv Wolfman chose that name for Donna Troy? Rude.

I would have had a paragraph giving Columbus liberal values so that my conservative readers could hate him appropriately too but why bother? They don't hate Columbus for some reason! I think it's because they love genocide and greed.

How is brunch with Aquaman worse than an alien invasion?

I don't mind making fun of Aquaman but the joke should have more to it than "spending time with Aquaman is awful." That just seems mean. Now if he'd said "Cullen Bunn's Aquaman," I would still be laughing and laughing!

Cyborg has to save Detroit from an alien invasion. The only issue I have with this story is that the alien invasion is only occurring because they're after Cyborg. So Cyborg's heroism isn't really heroism at all. It's just trying to reduce the consequences of his living in Detroit. But that's okay because I'm used to characters created by Marv Wolfman and George Perez simply reacting to villains attacking them rather than protecting innocent people or stopping crime.

Cyborg is busy keeping as many people safe as he can (even though they'd probably be safer away from him) while everybody at STAR Labs is busy fending for themselves.

Selfish. And really kind of hurtful.

Sebastian, Cyborg's friend, is beginning to panic because so many robot invaders are bearing down on them. So Vic tries to pump him up by yelling, "Third and ten, brother. Third and ten!" I guess that's supposed to inspire somebody to really try their best because they're in a second to last ditch effort to get a first down without having been at all successful on the first two downs. I'd probably just get depressed and disappointed with my performance so far if somebody began yelling that at me. Or I'd just fail like I'd been failing so far and allow the special teams to take over.

The special teams! I guess it's now fourth and ten! Good job, Cyborg and Sebastian! That was sarcastic!

Now that Platinum's arrived, she takes over all the sexual assault talk that Cyborg was laying down in the beginning of the battle which I didn't mention. Sometimes I don't mention stuff that I wished I'd mentioned because I want to refer back to it later. I suppose I could just scan every page of the comic and not even bother to write anything at all. I'm sure more people would enjoy that! Especially Reverse-Flash Anonymous, Twat Lobo Anonymous, and my mother.

STAR Labs is almost overrun when the Technosapiens arrive! Unless they're the Tekbreakers and the invading aliens are the Technosapiens! I think that's the right way round. The Tekbreakers are here to help save the day! Except there's only one problem: the Tekbreakers were the ones to kill Vic in the Sneak Peek. So when Vic arrives, he's all, "I know this will probably be a mistake and we'll wind up talking about it later but for now we must fight even if we are actually on the same side!"

I'm not saying he doesn't have a reason to punch first! It's not like when somebody would say hello and Supergirl would punch them in the face.

The lead Tekbreaker winds up being Alternate Universe Sarah Charles. That's good! She probably has an input with the correct configuration for Cyborg's output! AU Sarah Charles is all, "Yeah, yeah. So I stepped on your toes by accident. Or killed you on purpose, maybe. So what? Do you want to hug and kiss and make robot babies or do you want to win the war that your father started?" Then nobody's jaws drop with the revelation that Alternate Universe Silas Stone is a Would-Be Galactic Conqueror because no panels follow the revelation. I have a feeling that even if there was another page, nobody would be surprised that Silas Stone was a Universe Dominating Monster in at least half of alternate dimensions.

Cyborg #3 Rating: No change. It's really hard to remain unbiased when reviewing comic books because most reviewers want to build some kind of beloved relationship with the comic book companies and their creators. I don't have that problem because I'm not trying to be part of that world. That doesn't mean I'm not biased though (stop rolling your eyes, regular readers who are muttering "needless to say" under their breaths!). I'm biased because Cyborg bores me and now I have to review a Cyborg comic book without letting my boredom affect my opinion of how well the comic book is written. Well, I can't do it. I was bored. Cyborg is boring. His quips come too fast and often because he's trying to hide the fact that he hates himself and wants to seem like another Spider-man. If I were writing New 52 Cyborg, I would write a story about what's going on in his crotch area. Did his father somehow save his junk (which is hard to believe based on images of Cyborg in the early Justice League issues) or was his penis replaced with an e-cigarette? Now that story would be interesting! To me. I mean, this story may have been interesting to other people. How should I know? I'm not actually a comic book reviewer! I don't have to not be biased! Just ask Ann Nocenti and Fabian Nicieza!

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