The Omega Men #2

Hasn't anybody told The Citadel what happens when you assure? You make an ass out of you and re.

How come I never learned in school how quickly a healthy metabolism is supposed to turn a meal into a bowel movement?! I had a 7-11 Red Hot Burrito on Friday morning and it exploded out of me on Sunday afternoon. That seems like a long time! And I know that burrito was the culprit because that particular burrito does that to me over 75% of the time! I know, I know! I'm not learning not to eat it! But it's also the only thing I eat that destroys my system. Usually my bowel movements are quick and healthy for some reason! I think it's because I rarely eat meat. Which is probably why that beef burrito with extra spicy chemical poop-loosener beats me every time! I bet the self-loathing generated from eating a meal out of a 7-11 doesn't help.

Oh! I think I know the answer to the question that began the last paragraph! I never learned that fact because I was a stupid literature major! I wish George Eliot just once had a character that specialized in bowel movements! Then I might know what I want to know! Stupid George Eliot!

Last issue, The Omega Men ran away from a fight like a bunch of cowards. Sure, they would have been slaughtered if they'd stayed to fight and some people might think of their decision as wise. But I still would have thought highly of their bravery had they killed themselves in a hopeless battle against an endless host of foes with superior firepower. Now I have to read a comic book about a bunch of scaredy cats (that was a jab at Tigorr! For those not familiar with The Omega Men, Tigorr is a ferocious tiger who may or may not be moonlighting as a spokestiger).

The issue begins with the Viceroy of the Citadel visiting the Governor of Ogyptu, the planet of pleasure and meditation and raking rocks and happy endings. They have a contract between them that sounds like it was written up by the Mafia or an American cell phone company. In exchange for The Citadel's protection, the Pleasure Planet had to agree to certain conditions. One of those conditions was that if a member of the Citadel is killed on the planet, one hundred residents of the planet must be executed in penance. And since thirty-nine Citadel soldiers died in the raid trying to capture The Omega Men last month, 3900 citizens of Ogyptu need to be killed. Yeesh. The planet didn't really look big enough or crowded enough to handle that kind of loss of life! But I suppose as the protectors of the local galaxy, the Americans' Citadel's demands must be met!

Meanwhile the cowardly Omega Men are busy placing a bomb in Kyle Rayner's neck. That'll teach Kyle Rayner! I don't know what it will teach him but I'm sure he'll learn a lesson from it somehow. Like maybe don't start dating the exes of your friends immediately after they break up. Or how about don't go out and find more Guardians after Sinestro took care of your Guardian problem. Or maybe don't be the best Green Lantern ever when there is absolutely no reason you should be better at Lanterning than Guy Gardner who is the best at everything including being an attractive woman.

The negotiation between the Viceroy and the Governor take place in Narration Boxes laid over Kyle Rayner's implantation surgery. It's some of the best stuff I've ever read that I didn't write myself. It has all the hallmarks of great dialogue. Quotation marks. Occasional changes in speaker. Other things that are important to good dialogue. It's so good! You should probably go out and buy this comic book just for the first three pages alone! And then, since you already bought it, go ahead and read the rest. Aside from every character being named after what they do, it'll probably be pretty good.

As Kyle recovers from surgery, he wakes up speaking Spanish. I'm not surprised I didn't know Kyle was Spanish because the only thing I ever knew about Kyle was that he was a comic book artist and that he kept his yogurt next to his girlfriend. But it turns out he's 50% Spanish just like me! Oh my God! I finally have representation in a comic book! Plus I get a chance to translate his Spanish with my half-ability to translate Spanish!

Panel One: "Angel of God. What am I? Your janitor? How about you take these divine goodies of mine and eat them, ha? May the Illuminati's dirigibles protect me!" Panel Two: No Spanish here. Just the governor asking 4000 citizens to surrender themselves to death. Unless, you know, they'd rather join The Omega Men! Panel Three: "In the numbers of the San Diego Padres, the son, and the ghost of Santa Claus. Ramen."

I bet some of the citizens being gathered for execution are named things like Fasty and Piloto and Good Conversationalist. They're the ones that would be good on The Omega Men! And now's the time to join a terrorist group of freedom fighters to overthrow the imperialist colonial dogs! I don't think this comic book has any secret messages about certain countries trying to impose their ideals and their will on certain other countries at the expense of the people within those countries that are already hated by the people in power. It's just a comic book! And we all know comic books are stupid bullpoo meant for kids! Look at the colors!

Primus (the leader of the Omega Men! Nobody else could be chosen when one of the team's name was Primus! It would be ridiculous if he were second in command!) tells Kyle that he must work with the Omega Men now or they'll incessantly call the iWatch they've placed inside of his neck and he'll forever hear that awful Apple ringtone! And everybody around him will constantly be checking their iPhones and iWatches because they're all trained like Pavlov's guinea pigs (which were dogs). Primus needs Kyle's help to rescue the 4000 people about to be slaughtered by the Viceroy and his toadie, the Governor. I'm glad I don't have to try to remember their names! It's easier to just remember their titles. I bet nobody every forgot Father of the Preamble Gouverneur Morris's name! Although nobody could ever spell it correctly.

The Viceroy's ship (shaped like an Omega because, I guess, the Romans were actually from the Vegan system) is piloted by a Changralyn (get it? Like Shangri-La! Whatever that is! I think it's like Neotopia or something) who needs to attend prayers while on the planet. But guess who else is a Changralyn? You'll never guess! It's Brute! I mean Broot!

I don't need your stinking forgiveness if it means I wind up murdered! Which it does! Jerk!

Kyle wants to save the people about to be executed but he had to leave his ring with the Citadel to enter the Vegan System. Primus is trying to teach Kyle the difference between terrorism and rebellion but he's a tough nut to crack having grown up in America where rebellion is only good if you're of America or her interests. Anything else is just monsters killing for no reason whatsoever! And now Primus has to convince Kyle that The Omega Men are on the right side. They're fighting for the rights of the Ogyptuans. They're fighting for freedom. At least that's what he says! He could be a terrorist in which case he's lying!

Broot and Tigorr take the robe of the Viceroy's pilot and try to sneak aboard the Viceroy's ship. Things fall apart but I don't know why because everybody is speaking in a font of gibberish.

They must be discussing nutritious breakfasts.

Scraps is hiding inside the body of Doctor Robot (no one can succeed like Doctor Robot!). She kills some guards while being cute and funny in that way that cute and funny works when people are being murdered. It's a difficult thing to pull off but I hear Napoleon was pretty good at it too. After the fighting, killing, and snappy rejoinders are done, The Omega Men steal the Omega Ship because it's fitting, right?! How could they not own it?!

After stealing the ship and picking up Kyle, The Omega Men do what they do best: flee like cowards! Kyle is all, "Dammit! I can't even check my texts on this watch!" And Primus is all, "We would have died if we had tried to save the 4000 already doomed by The Cita...what? Oh, you don't care about that, hunh?" And Kyle is all, "Hey Doctor Robot? Are you an Omega Man?" And Doctor Robot is all, "Shh. Shh. Of course I am. Stop being so stubborn and accept that you're one of us too." And Kyle is all, "I'll show you! I'll turn my Omega symbol into a Green Lantern symbol! Ha ha! You'll never own me! iWatch or no iWatch!"

The issue ends with a quote by William James about why people pray and I'd say it's pretty apt. It is this: "Many reasons are given why we should not pray. Others give reasons why we should pray. Very little is said of the reason we do pray. The reason is simple: We pray because we cannot help praying." I mean, sure, we can't help praying because we've been acculturated in a world that makes even atheists scream "Jesus Christ no!" just before they're hit by a bus.

The Omega Men #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. If you are not reading this comic book then you are not reading this comic book. I don't envy that position because it is a very good comic book indeed.