The Flash #41

Nope. Don't care. First season of the television show already told this story better.

The Flash story I would tell would be one that revolves around how his brain must process information at such a speed that he couldn't cope with the seemingly still world around him. A major issue with that life would be one of him simply dealing with the madness of being alone for what seems like eternities at a time. Even when he's speaking with somebody, he's doing it at such a slow speed compared to how his mind processes information, he wouldn't be able to connect to the other person. Could he even understand them? How difficult would it be to regulate his own vocal patterns to maintain a slow enough speed so that the other person could hear him? Just leaving the house and heading to work would take eons! The true irony of being the fastest man alive is that everything happens tremendously slowly. When he runs around the satellite cleaning up, he would not experience one or two seconds in the same way we experience those seconds. How could he? He couldn't function. Therefore he's living out the same amount of time that any normal person would have to spend on cleaning up the satellite. And he probably does it because it's boring as hell just waiting for Batman to finish his "--tt--" noise!

I'm pretty sure the reason this story doesn't exist is because A. The Speed Force, B. Comic books, and C. Fuck you and stop asking so many questions, ya runt.

But instead of stories that interest me (which would probably bore everybody else!), I'm reading various versions of shoddily thrown-together time travel stories. Yippee. That "yippee" was sarcastic. You can tell by the period.

The issue begins with Professor Zoom groping and molesting The Flash as The Flash runs at super speeds. But from Professor Zoom's perspective, The Flash is practically a statue! Oh my goodness, oh my goodness! Being at such an advantage, Professor Zoom kills The Flash and the comic book is over.

The Flash #41 Rating: -6 Ranking because the book didn't actually end there. No, instead Professor Zoom declares that he will destroy The Flash and everything The Flash holds dear. Well why couldn't he start with The Flash? He had him dead to rights right there between 2:42:35:15:29 PM and 2:42:36:15:30 PM! Are those times accurate? How many seconds places does an atomic clock have? I would ask Lord Google but I like it better when somebody sends me a message telling me how stupid I am and how smart they are because they were able to use Lord Google while pretending that they didn't ask him at all. That's my favorite kind of entertainment.

But that was just the introduction to the comic book and it took place in the "SOON" of the DCyou. So let's go back to the "NOW" of the DCyou and watch as Barry Allen gets out of the shower. Mmm, yeah. Look at those extra, extra, super duper extra long legs! Brett Booth sure knows how to deform a body in all the right ways!

Actually, you never get to see any more man-meat than usual on Barry because he wraps himself in the bathroom's floor mat. Or a wolfskin towel?

That's supposed to be a rat.

The rat is named Moon and it's a pet of the Pied Piper, Barry Allen's new roommate. I wonder if they have a gay lecherous landlord who doesn't like this set-up so Hartley has to pretend he's heterosexual. And the landlord stops by all the time and winds up accidentally eavesdropping on Harley and Barry in the kitchen.

Hartley: "Do you want to lick the batter?"
Barry: "Straight out of your butt?"

Hmm. I think I was supposed to write something innocent that could have been taking out of context by a lecherous old man overhearing it from the other room.

Later, Barry heads over to Iron Heights so his dad can remind him how he doesn't want Barry to keep trying to get him out of Hotel Free Three Meals Per Day And The Occasional Handjob.

Barry looks as excited about finding a clue as I was about finding a woman that would let me put my penis inside of her. I mean, I imagine I'll look this excited.

The clue Barry received was the name "Thawne." Really? Was that name given to him in the context of Barry's mother's murder? I suppose so because I don't have the energy to dig up The Flash #40 and check. What I do know is that it was practically whispered only once to Barry by Future-Flash which means Barry probably wouldn't have any idea what Future-Flash even said. "Thong?! Sawn? What?!" Even if somebody told me the name Thawne and I knew they were giving me a name, I'd have no idea how to spell it and I'd probably have to ask them to repeat it at least once.

Barry's dad flips the fuck out when he hears the name. He asks Barry, "Where did you hear that name?" And Barry, instead of asking, "So you know the person? Where did you hear the name? Who is Thawne?", says, "I have my sources." Then Barry's dad tells Barry not to ever say the name again because I guess it summons Eobard from the future? Who is he, Candyjuice?

Barry's dad tells Barry to let it go because it's time for his midday handjob and he'd hate to miss one of the perks of his stay in prison. But Barry makes nearly the same "I found a clue" face and then slouches his way out on the longest legs I've ever seen.

I think somebody at DC needs to buy Brett Booth a T-Square because his panel layout is super fucked up. Has anybody mentioned to Brett that DC doesn't really need a second-rate Kenneth Rocafort. Mostly because Kenneth Rocafort is a second-rate Kenneth Rocafort.

I take it Double Down here is old Henry Allen's Prison Wife because I'm 99% certain they're about to kiss in this panel.

Henry goes back to his cell where he recruits the help of his cellmates (Girder, Black Mold, and Mogul) to help keep Barry safe from Professor Zoom. Handjobs for everyone!

Back at work, Barry tries to conceal his "I found a clue" boner from his colleagues but he can't hide it from Darryl. Darryl is a pro at spotting young men's boners! No wait. That's Singh. Anyway, Barry tells him the news that he got a clue and Darryl asks, "From who?" Barry is all, "Why does everybody keep asking me that?! Can't the justice system just believe that I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who heard it from another Thawne was messing around?"

Jesus! Another cop with a boner for solving crimes!

The jewelry store heist is that part where the big guy was battling Flash when the comic book began. So we get that scene again and The Flash walks away wondering what the heck he just saw. It seems like a clue to me but Barry wasn't very excited about it so I think I'm wrong. Plus I don't have a boner.

Meanwhile Henry Allen breaks out of prison with his new gang. Why not?! He's there for life for a crime he didn't commit anyway. I'd break out every chance I got! Although I'd probably just find myself annoyed with all the free people and go hide in a shed until I was caught.

The Flash #41 Rating: I already rated it, remember?! The ranking change time traveled to the beginning of this commentary!