Friday, July 10, 2015

Batgirl #41

Commissioner Batman must have installed a Brown Note Weapon in the Bunny-Armor.

Dear Diary!
Have you read the news today? Oh boy! A whole bunch of holes in blackbriar lankenshears! That song doesn't make any sense, Diary! I might have the lyrics wrong but no way in Aitch Eee Two Hockey Sticks Fucking am I going to look them up online because as everybody knows (especially super smart computer tech chicks like me!), music lyric web pages are full of spiders and cookies and trojan backdoors and ad blocker-cock-blockers! They're ridiculous! Notice how I spelled ridiculous correctly, Diary? That makes me better than 110% of the people on the internet! After my use of percentages in that last sentence, you might think I'm bad at math but you have to figure in all the computer programs acting like real people. That's probably 90% of the 110% which, if you're bad at math like 125% of the people off of the internet are, you might think means 20% of people are good at math! But if you came out with that number, you'd be so wrong I'm laughing at you and peeing myself a little bit. Buy a calculator, Jerks Reading My Diary Without My Permission Who Are Bad At Math!

I just realized I began my diary entry today to talk about the death of Batman! I wish Dick were here so I could cry on his shoulder and he could take advantage of my sadness. I bet he would obliterate my virginity! Although I'd make sure he was wearing about five condoms because I sure as heck don't want to catch anything. You never know what kind of weird space herpes he picked up from that orange space hoochie. I'm pretty sure she's boned at least half of the Robins, and a few other sidekicks that she really should be embarrassed about fucking. I mean, Speedy?! Ha! She might as well pork one of Aquaman's giant seahorses!

I wonder if she's porked any of Aquaman's giant seahorses?!

Anyswayze, Diary, have I got a story for you! I found this place today which we'll call...let's see...The House of Mystery! *LIGHTNING! CACKLES! BATS! FOOTBALL PLAYERS SCREAMING IN TERROR!* Frankie and I had noticed a drain on the power grid (okay, fine. It was mostly Frankie. I was busy playing Nethack! I was having this epic game where I'd made it all the way to Croseus's castle but couldn't play a musical instrument correctly to lower the drawbridge and had nothing to get around the moat except one levitation potion which only took me half way around the castle and stranded me on a little strip of land where I couldn't even starve because I had a ring of slow digestion and tons of food so my Valkyrie just prayed to Tyr until he got pissed off and struck me with a bolt of lightning. Dick. I wish Fenrir had eaten more than just his hand! Frankie saw me playing and she was all, "What the hell is that ghetto shit?" And I was all, "It might not look pretty or modern but this game has depth baby!" And then she was all, "No, in the window underneath." And I was all, really low and sheepishly, "Oh. Porn."). So the drain on the grid was happening at...THE HOUSE OF MYSTERY! Ah ha ha ha ha!...where this cult of huge Apple Douchebags were all gathered around wearing robes and being totally ignorant of Linux. The lead douchebag was all, "I cannot be a douchebag. I am a robot. Beep beep beep. I know Robot Kung Fu. I will defeat you, Batgirl. Ha Cha Cha Cha." But he didn't defeat me because I defeated him! Like a punkass bitch! Um, he was! I was super cool and suave and sexually sophisticated. I wish I hadn't made my suit out of such thick leather so that my nips would like totally show through in the heat of battle. But only with good looking bad guys! Ugly fat bad guys can just avert their fat ugly eyes!

Okay fine. I was going to defeat him but Honey Bunny Batman got there first. Or second, really. But he was a little more insistent about kicking ass than I was.

Diary, have you ever seen eyes as gorgeous as mine or an ass as smoking hot? I know, right? I might have to look at some heterosexual male porn later to see if my cooter is up to snuff. I think it looks like a peach and smells like a clear lake topped with a fresh fall of cherry blossoms but I haven't really been able to compare it to any other cooters. Back when I was on the Birds of Prey, I was all, "Let's have a girls night where we sit around naked eating popcorn and watching each others vaginas! I mean scary movies!" And Grump Canary was all, "Ixnay on the aygay alktay in ontfray of ixstray!" And I was all, "Whyay?" And Black Canary showed me a note Strix had given her that read, "Fuk u?" And I was all, "Oh! She just mixes up her punctuation! That should be an exclamation point! She's angry at you because you still won't buy her an iPad!" And Black Canary was all, "Well fuck her! I'm not made of money!" And then Strix choked the fuck out of Dinah and I laughed and laughed! Then I was all, "Strix! Strix! Save some of that anger for Condom!" That's what I always called Condor because his stupid helmet made him look like a total dick head. Also he was a total dick head.

After running into that hunka hunka armored Batman (GOOOSH!), I had to strip down to my underwear and hop around on Frankie's bed telling her the story and hoping that maybe I might catch a glimpse of Frankie's vag! I bet hers would be all sultry and flavored like cinnamon while my whole crotch experience is just kind of blotchy red where it's not blindingly white! I mean, I hope people don't see it that way but when I look at Frankie, I just think, "Sigh! I bet guys come in their pants when she just casually smiles at them!" I'm more of the kind of girl that casually smiles at a guy and he's all, "You have any Magic cards to trade?" And then I sag my shoulders and sigh and say, "Yeah."

But then dad stopped by before I could come up with a plan to lose the panties and we had a father/daughter day out on the park!

Someday, I am going to marry that unicorn.

So dad buys me ice cream and sits me down next to Brian the Fuckicorn and says, "Darling. I am the Goddamned Batman." And my brain was all, "You thought he was sexy last night!" And then my cooter was all, "Moisture? What is moisture? Have we ever even known what moisture is?!" And my ass was all, "Is this how you kiss? You pucker nice and tight, just like this, right?" Then dad continues with all this stuff about how he didn't want to lie to me and he didn't want me to find out the hard way if he ever got hurt and how he didn't want to lead a double life. And I'm just thinking, "Jesus Christ, I get it! I'm a big jerk! Keep rubbing it in, why dontcha?!" And he was rubbing it in! I just know it! Dad totally must know I'm Batgirl. He was warning me that he's going to be hunting vigilantes and he didn't want to have to hunt me! Although he could have done it in a way that didn't make me feel bad and make him look all righteous and noble!

Later, my evil me came out of the douchebag cult's Computer Body Creator Pod because stupid Batdad didn't unhook it from the power grid and put it in evidence. What is wrong with him?! Did he forget how to be a cop as soon as he put on the bunny ears?! But before that, Frankie and I took some time to get our drinks on and play the Sailor V video game down at the arcade.

When did I become the less hot friend?! Gyah!

The Sailor V video game is a weird mix of Galaga, Asteroids, and Star Trek. I think maybe it was just a different game housed in a Sailor V case.

Anyswayze, it was right around then that my Nemesister-from-another-mister attacked Burnside! She blew up a car out front and Frankie was all, "This is probably your fault! Go fix this! And I have a great set of tits!" And I was all, "Hell yeah you do!" And she was all, "I know, right?!" Then I put on my Batgirl suit which really takes a lot longer than you'd think. But sometimes you've got make a big show of it to service the fans, you know. The fans of my ass! OH YEAH!

Oh, by the way, I only said my opponent was the me I defeated to build suspense and drama! It was actually this electric woman whom Batman built this totally wicked Ghostbuster trap to catch when she was hassling Superman a few months ago. Even as pure electricity, I totally recognized her because of my sweet I-Tic-Tac Memory! Have I ever mentioned that I'm a killer at Pub Trivia?! Although it's always the dumb hooting, tee-heeing whores with the lowest scores who get all the fat dick at the end of the night! Why doesn't anybody want a bat-piece of this?! I need to improve my game!

Anyswayzeyetagainsies, this poor girl's name was Livewire. I bet she gets less brotang than me! Hmm, I bet I just used that wrong even though I just made it up. I think "brotang" is where two frat guys jerk each other off when they can't find any girls to date rape. Turns out I didn't have to take this perp down either because BatDad dropped in yet again to take the glory. Doesn't he know Burnside is my part of town? Isn't there enough crime across the river in Downtown Gotham?! I think this is proof that he knows who I am!

So after Livewire zips away on whatever electrical grid she travels on, BatDad turns to me and is all, "You're under arrest." And I'm all...oh crap! I think I just heard Frankie fall getting out of the shower! This is my chance to see her vaghole while I'm pretending to help her up! I'll finish my story later, Diary!

Batgirl #41 Rating: +1 Ranking. The choice to have Gordon confide in Barbara is a great choice, storywise. Especially because it just strengthens the suspicion, without proving anything, that Jim does indeed know his daughter is Batgirl. She almost told him in Simone's run and he was all, "Let's change the subject! YOLO!" And she almost tells him here but he cuts her off yet again. And now he's really kind of intruding on her neighborhood, right? I really think it would be interesting if she finally told old James but being that comic book stories never end, decade after decade, I don't know how well that would ultimately play out. But then that's what Retcons and Reboots are for, amirite?!

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