Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Cyborg #1

My interest would be better piqued if the cover read "Man Inside of Another Man!"

I've never been that interested in Cyborg. Marv Wolfman's Teen Titans taught me that he was a life support system for a White Noise Blaster. The Teen Titans cartoon taught me that he was 50% man, 50% garbage disposal. And now that my mom told me on the phone last night, "When I die, you're going to inherit a lot of money," I'm not interested in Cyborg at all! Life just became a waiting game! I wonder if I can get my mom excited about engaging in risky behaviors like base jumping and Russian Roulette?!

Um, just kidding, mom! I love you very much and would hate to see any harm come to you or my new inheritance!

Did that seem sincere?

Last night when I spoke with my mother, she mentioned that she finally got around to seeing Mad Men. She watched all seven seasons in about a two week period because her binge game is on point for an old woman! As we began discussing it, she said, "Let me get my notes!" Notes! I've never been more proud of my mom! She loved it but she had some minor nitpicks about her memories of the era. Most of them came down to what I believe was her experience living on the West Coast as opposed to the East Coast. We've always been more laid back out West so there was less hitting of other people's children and less unconscionable littering and way less Jews (when I talk about the "West Coast," realize I never include Southern California. That's a completely different country altogether!). We had less Jewish people in my Senior class than African-Americans. And we had less white people than Vietnamese. We may have had more Nguyens than all the other minorities combined. I don't know how many Mexicans were in my class because I don't see race.

One of my best friends in Junior High was Khoa Nguyen. He wrote in my 9th Grade yearbook: "Remember to keep on tasting the Jefference with Jif!" I used my real name there because "Tesserence" doesn't make any sense. Not that what Khoa wrote made much sense. I think maybe he was hitting on me?

Cyborg begins with some Technosapiens in a distant galaxy confronting some guy named Tekbreaker. Unless "Tekbreaker" is his race or religion and the Technosapien is being horribly racist. Or just sort of racist, I guess. Horribly racist would be if "Tekbreaker" were a slur and he also threatened Tekbreaker's life while saying it. Oh yeah! He also threatened Tekbreaker with death so I guess I can ratchet the racism up to horrible!

But that's only a two page introduction to get everybody wet and hard. After that, the action moves to Earth. Although it concentrates on scientists so "action" might be too kinetic a word.

You're a super smart science guy and you don't know?! They want transparency, douchebag! They want accountability! They want to stop dying from attacks revolving around the STAR Labs building! Dick.

Oh! I just realized that with this issue, I am caught up to the comics that came out last Wednesday! Woo hoo! Where's my sake?!

Hmm. Now I'm too drunk to get caught up! Stupid sake.

Psyche! I'm not drunk! Or I'm drunk! Not! Do people still say "psyche" and "not"? And by "people," I mean persons who you would actually spend time with as opposed to spend time running away from while screaming. Burn! High-five!

Victor Stone has stopped by STAR Labs to visit his father Silas. I think he just wants to show off his new "non-dad" created look and say, "I don't owe you anything anymore, DAD!" Then he'll run off down the hall crying and flailing his super arms.

Is this symbolism? Vic's dad being reflected in his crotch? Also note how generous his body was while rebuilding his machinehood.

Victor replays the Cyborg Sneak Peek for his dad and acts a little too lighthearted about his death for Sarah, his future romantic entanglement (also past but that universe doesn't really exist anymore, does it?!). She storms off feeling self-righteous while the men study the data of Cyborg's resurrection. Or maybe Sarah just didn't want to do any extra work. I probably would have stormed off too as I counted my future inheritance chickens.

I wonder if my mom's inheritance comment is just a ploy to ensure that I don't yell at her anymore? I hope it doesn't mean that I have to go to Golden Corral with her! Ugh! I hope I never feel that obligated to anybody!

Meanwhile in that other galaxy, the Technosapiens capture one of Tekbreaker's buddies who has been installed with some of Cyborg's hardware which they stole in the Sneak Peek. The Technosapiens are all, "Mmm! Yummy! Need!" At least the ones that aren't speaking in untranslatable Old Portugese [sic].

Back at STAR Labs, Victor gets frustrated at his father and yells at him. When he does, his arms become crazy weapons that hopefully aren't just fancier White Noise Cannons. It seems even Victor's flesh is now some sort of organic metal that can change shapes and is impervious to blood draws. So if his skin can look like metal or skin, can he look fully human if he concentrates? Although the only reason to look fully human is to do it with Sarah and he'll probably lose concentration and turn into a death trap once she touches his wiener. But I think he had the same thought and he's willing to put Sarah at risk!

I should remember what happened in Atlantis but I don't. Did Mera make a move on him?

Cyborg is waylaid by an old football rival and he loses all interest in possible sex to tell old football stories about his glory days which were about two years ago. That's so sad, Vic!

Back in that other galaxy, the Technosapiens are all, "Where do we find more of this awesome tech?! The cover says 'Cyborg' so maybe we should find this 'Cyborg'!" So they'll be invading Earth soon to destroy Cyborg so--and I realize it isn't Victor's fault that he was turned into the machine-man he was turned into--all the death and destruction that happens is Vic's fault! Jerko!

Cyborg #1 Rating: It's decent and well-written enough to overcome my disinterest in Cyborg, so I guess I'll give it a few more issues to see how things progress. Ha ha! Just kidding! I'll read it until it's cancelled because that's kind of what I do! I just hope it remains entertaining and I never have to feel bad for some name I wind up calling David F. Walker for making me read awful, boring things. If you don't respect your own career as a writer, David, try to respect my life as a reader! I want to keep reading good stuff and not bad stuff. So do your best for me and not for yourself or your loved ones. Stop being so selfish. Also can we get a Shaft/Cyborg crossover? Please?

P.S. Is it racist when I typo Cyborg as "Cybrog"?

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