Thursday, July 30, 2015

Aquaman #42

Who is this guy and why is he wearing Arthur's Boner Belt?

Last issue, Aquaman didn't speak with any fish. That's the best part about Aquaman! If he isn't speaking with fish or telepathically convincing them to sacrifice their lives to solve his problems, then he isn't Aquaman! He's just some guy with blonde hair like the stranger on the cover! He could be anybody! Cullen Bunn could have used this story for any DC hero he was allowed to write. Lone hero battles back dark forces from another world while on the run from the government of his home nation. He'd better speak with some frickin' sea life this issue or I'm going to question Cullen Bunn's knowledge of Aquaman!

This issue is called "The Other Atlantis" because the DC Youniverse needs another place for Arthur to be responsible for. He can't even take care of the regular Atlantis without everybody constantly second guessing his decisions and questioning his loyalty. Maybe this other Atlantis will be full of Atlanteans who will respect Arthur and his amazing ability to convince Killer Whales to beach themselves for the greater good.

The issue begins with Aquaman having a stupid memory just like how John Stewart begins his issues with stupid memories and how Sinestro begins his issues with stupid memories. I smell a pattern! Aquaman's stupid memory is about how some weird kid who wasn't even Arthur's friend or else he probably would have said "I had a friend back in high school" instead of "there was a kid in high school". This fucking nerd was always slobbering all over Arthur trying to get him to play Magic the Gathering but Arthur was all, "Dude. Stop wasting your fucking time with that pussy drying bullshit. Get a fucking life, nerd. You're a nerd, nerd. Fucking nerd." But now that Aquaman is battling summoned armies from another dimension, he's thinking maybe Magic the Gathering would have given him a "little useful knowledge" in his current situation. Well, I guess! For one, if you saw five of the same type of monster attacking you, you could call the judge over to declare a rules violation. Or if you'd played, perhaps you'd now be a better fighter due to the experience of wonder the game filled you with right up until your first asshole friend brought around a Scrye magazine which showed the values of all the cards and it destroyed any sense of innocent fun in the game and caused all the players in your group to begin hoarding their valuable cards and stop playing for ante. Playing Magic the Gathering would have taught you that people are generally greedy assholes who will cheat if they can manage it although, technically (a word they'll use a lot because lots of gamers who think they're really good at a game are really just pushy assholes), they're just playing quickly and they didn't force you to miss a point where you could have played a card, you stupid slow minded moron. Perhaps Aquaman would have learned though that perhaps one out of fifteen strangers you meet playing Magic the Gathering in public locations is actually a really terrific person who enjoys playing the game as much as you do and will patiently wait for every move and consideration because the fun of the game isn't in winning due to mistakes but winning because you played the best or put together a fantastically crazy deck using a theme nobody had ever thought of before and wasn't copied from other people like 99 out of 100 decks you wind up playing against. Fuck. No wonder I stopped playing Magic the Gathering.

What I'm trying to say is that Magic the Gathering would not have helped Aquaman at all and an intelligent person like Aquaman would never have even considered a card game could have helped him in actual battle. So this is just an excuse for Cullen Bunn to mention Magic the Gathering and how he was always too busy to waste his time playing it. Well la dee da! Should I just refer to him as His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire from now on? So busy with important things! No trivialities for him!

Don't try to tell me that I'm confusing the character with the writer! I already pointed out how the character should never have had this thought in the first place! Fuck you! His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire is awful!

Goddammit. I'm only two pages into this thing and my heart is racing and I'm sweating profusely and there are four new holes in my wall and did anybody know knuckles bleed this much?!

Arthur is in another dimension rescuing more people to take back to his Jungle Sex Shanty Hideaway. A wizard is helping him so that's why this is so much like Magic the Gathering! Plus alternate dimensions which is part of it or something. The Dark was my favorite Magic set. The game never really felt the same after that set because Fallen Empires could have been released as a hastily scrawled note from Richard Garfield saying, "Ha ha! I got you addicted now here's a bunch of bullshit crap laced with my semen, you junkie!"

Arthur has a flashback to where he left Mera in charge of Atlantis while he went to investigate the other dimensional toe dipping itself into his waters. Mera is all, "Remember how the Atlanteans hate me?! They'll never want me in charge!" And Aquaman is all, "I'll take care of it! Obey Mera, okay? Done!"

No seriously. I'm not exaggerating. That's what happened. Look for yourself!

Most of these Atlanteans still don't even trust Aquaman! This is going to be a disaster!

You know what? Now that I've showered and calmed down, I want to apologize to His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire for believing he never played Magic. He looks like the kind of guy who not only played a lot of Magic but is also the kind of guy who would casually cast "Winter Blast" as an instant as if he didn't know any better or who would cheat in a Sealed Deck League and claim he opened a pack of The Dark that had only U1s in it except also a Maze of Ith, of course.

Sorry for the Magic the Gathering speak.

Arthur assures Mera that she'll be fine even though she should know she'll be fine. She's worrying an awful lot for the strong badass fuckmonster she is (I'm assuming she's a fuckmonster because I'd definitely be cowering under my covers if she came out of my closet to bang me. I mean, I want it but I know I can't handle it). Arthur leaves Mera in charge and rushes off to become Atlantis's Most Wanted for some reason.

Maybe the reason is that he's not really him! These are two different guys, right?

Last commentary I made a joke that the Atlanteans were trying to capture or kill Aquaman because he wasn't saving Atlantis quickly enough. It turns out that's actually the case. He isn't destroying the world that is leaking into our world because innocent people are currently being held captive in that world. So he needs to save all of the innocent people before destroying the world. Not one other Atlantean has any empathy and could never understand why Aquaman is delaying destroying the world, I guess. Or maybe only Mera lacks empathy (which she doesn't but, you know, let's go with what we have to work with) and she's commanded the Atlanteans to kill Arthur for not hurrying and they must listen to her because Arthur told them to. Although I still think Mera wants to kill Arthur because he put his dick in Ya'wara's secret panther.

Seriously though, DC. Nobody cares that Aquaman's new costume is just a huge boner?

Back to the flashbacks, we learn that the first huge incursion under the water that threatened Atlantis was a ruin that housed the Warlock of Atlantis, Extriax, and a bunch of others seeking asylum from Thule. They are Atlanteans that cannot breathe underwater because they're from an older line or something. I guess they left Atlantis for Other Atlantis in another dimension before the main Atlantis sank. Unless the main Atlantis is the other Atlantis. That seems more in keeping with the kind of twist that His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire enjoys.

Anyway, Arthur learns that he can't just destroy this other world like he really wants to. He has to save all of the innocent people because he's "also the guy who stands up for those who can't protect themselves." Oh, is he? Is he that now?

His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire really fucking loved his "dipping the toe" analogy so he uses it again this issue. No wonder my comic book smells like semen!

As Arthur battles the remnants of ancient Atlantis invading Earth up in Alaska, he looks different yet again! He's three people! He also has many more powers. Last issue he froze a bunch of creatures in ice. This time he makes large stone pillars rise up out of the ground. But he still hasn't commanded a seahorse to let him put a saddle on it.

While Aquaman is saving Alaska, he's confronted by an underwater version of the Suicide Squad (led by Aqualad, I think? Did Garth already appear in The New 52? Sometime with Tula?) sent by Mera to kill her cheating fucking bastard fiance. At least King Shark is among them! Although I doubt he'll be an entertaining King Shark because this story is serious and dark and there is no time for silliness or games of Magic the Gathering here.

Aquaman just met Garth for the first time and Garth accuses Aquaman of betraying Atlantis. So what other conclusion about Garth could Arthur come to except for "The kid's smart...and he's got a good heart." Arthur might have brain damage. Or maybe it's just my intense cynicism that thinks Arthur should have come to the exact opposite conclusion!

Anyway, Aquaman has one final thought as a huge ancient Atlantean golem rises up out of the ground and the issue ends.

I'm paying attention! And none of it makes sense! So His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire probably doesn't really want anybody paying that much attention.

Aquaman #42 Rating: -1 Ranking. The only explanation for Mera turning Atlantis against Arthur is that he had sex with Ya'wara. But if that's the case (as the Aquaman Futures End issue from last September would suggest), then Arthur knows full well what Mera is thinking even though he states in this issue that he doesn't know what Mera is thinking. He knows she's pissed. If that's not the case, then this story doesn't even make the most feeble of sense. If Mera and the other Atlanteans are upset that Arthur wants to delay the destruction of Thule to save innocent Atlanteans still on that world, then it makes no sense for them to spend all of their time and manpower trying to stop Aquaman from saving Atlanteans. Even if Mera captures or kills Aquaman, how does that stop Thule from destroying Atlantis? They should be letting him do his own thing while they find a way to destroy Thule themselves. If the Atlanteans are upset that Aquaman is saving other Atlanteans, then fuck them all because they're entitled bigots. I suppose Mera could have been infected with the poison from Thule and brainwashed but that's far less interesting than her being upset at Aquaman's infidelity. But in either case, whatever motivates Mera, why are the Atlanteans just rolling over and following all of her insane orders? They already didn't trust her in the first place and are only following her orders on the word of the man who she's commanding they kill! Am I wrong or is this book stupid?

No comments:

Post a Comment