Monday, July 27, 2015

Martian Manhunter #2

In this issue, J'onn battles some villain in a Superman t-shirt.

Rob Williams probably pitched this book by saying, "You may not have noticed but J'onn's hero name is Martian Manhunter. What if he was created to be...wait for it...a hunter of men!" Then he probably nodded smugly as he stroked his chin and imagined the room was full of audible gasps as opposed to bored yawns. Somebody waved him away and said, "Yeah, yeah. Great. Whatever. Just make sure he beats up Superman or something." He went out into the hall where the janitor he imagined was waiting around expectantly to hear the news but was really just mopping and said, "Nailed...wait for! High-five, my man!" The janitor high-fived him because he couldn't leave such an awkward, pathetic man hanging even if it meant a small loss of his own dignity.

I have now painted a picture of Rob Williams that is no doubt highly inaccurate. I should apologize to those who love him. And maybe Rob as well.

I said I should! I didn't say I would!

The Earth has recently erupted in wars across its entire surface. Martian Manhunter has decided it's time to show the world that his name isn't representative of who he is. He may be a martian but he's actually a manhelper!

Thanks for the layman's terms so I didn't have to look up "annihilate" in the dictionary I was going to have to rush out and purchase.

I like how casual Helen Demoff is. "Oh, we're just mucking about with this thing here that disintegrates anything we put in it. It's actually supposed to transport people across the galaxy but since we don't actually have anywhere to send anybody, we're just enjoying sticking stray cats inside of it." Martian Manhunter is less joyous about the toy. He says, "It's a weapon." And Helen begins to sweat and is all, "Um,, no! We, uh, don't make weapons here! It's for travel! And party games!" But Martian Manhunter doesn't believe her! He's all, "This is too dangerous for the world! Can you imagine how dangerous it would be if you were to lure everybody in the world here to this room and somehow trick them into climbing inside of it, like maybe putting up a sign that reads 'Free sex!' or something?!" Helen changes the subject back to that thing J'onn said earlier about wanting her to kill him because she doesn't want J'onn breaking her Localized Wormhole Creator which vibrates oh so right when it's turned on.

Superman arrives to not really but sort of kind of accuse J'onn of being responsible for the terrorist attacks. He must think that because he knows J'onn is a telepath and he asks him how he knew about the attacks before they happened! But then J'onn, having never realized that Perry Mason isn't actually true and nobody ever fucking gets convicted if they just keep their damn mouth shut and keep from confessing, confesses. He's all, "You got me! I helped plan the attacks!" That must be why they wind up fighting!

See, the reason J'onn wants to be killed is he knows he's dangerous and being manipulated by evil beings. Now that's class, J'onn! Those are some seriously well developed ethics! You know who else should be asking to be put down?

That's right! Spaceman! I mean, Superman!

This issue is called "Weapon!" with an exclamation point so I'm super fucking excited already! Although poor Eber Ferreira was credited as Eder Ferreira here. Sad trombone!

While Superman and Martian Manhunter are preparing to find out who is more powerful (Spoiler Alert: Superman has heat vision! Oh wait! Better Spoiler Alert: Martian Manhunter has Super Tele-hypnosis or something. Afterthought Spoiler Alert: Martian Manhunter's name is on the cover so, you know, do the cover math), Mister Biscuits has a train to catch! Or eat. I think he might be having trouble with his verbs. The children who feed him Oreos are helping him even though some of them are doing it reluctantly. But Alicia is their leader so they have to do whatever Alicia says. She has pigtails!

Meanwhile Pearl is being chased down in Dubai. I don't know who Pearl is. I think she was in a scene in the first issue where she was trying to steal from a prince but instead saw the prince get eaten by a Martian. But since I didn't mention it in my commentary on Issue #1, I can't be sure of that. My memory is not to be trusted. What I think she saw was a Martian eating a person of power so that they could take that person's place! You know, the way David Icke's lizard people do it. That might also be why Mister Biscuits wants to eat the train. He thinks he needs to eat things to use them properly.

The aliens catch Pearl and tell her that they're going to melt her down into the others, so that totally explains that.

Meanwhile, Superman tries to keep J'onn from killing himself because Superman would never kill himself even though he's just as dangerous as J'onn when controlled by people with evil intent.

Oh Clark! Just hop in the Wormhole Extractor with J'onn! It'll be for the greater good!

Flash, Wonder Woman, and Cyborg arrive to help Superman stop J'onn from killing himself. Also I think they want to find out what the fuck is happening with all of these wars. Maybe after J'onn debriefs them, they'll let him take a Wormhole to Nowheresville.

In Dubai, Pearl is learning she's a superhero with some kind of telepathic connection to Martian Manhunter. I just had to type that because I learned my lesson about not even mentioning Pearl in my last commentary! You're welcome, future Tess!

Superman wakes up and sees the other Justice League members standing around slack jawed. He realizes J'onn implanted the battle in their heads so he could sneak away and kill himself.

Luckily Flash is too slow or else Flash would die along with J'onn on the next page.

94% of Martian Manhunter is vaporized and/or sent off to another part of the universe by the Wormhole Generator/Annihilator. Back on the train tracks, Mister Biscuits feels J'onn's death. He grabs up Alicia and runs off to save the world from the Martians. After they eat some cookies, of course. There's always time for cookies.

Worst police ever!

Martian Manhunter #2 Rating: +6 Ranking. This comic book series is far better than I gave it credit for after Issue #1 where I just didn't have any real feel for it at all. Well, it's definitely much better than the six comic books currently ranked above it (and possibly more but six seems like a good enough lift right now). Mister Biscuits is my favorite. I once worked with a guy named Tim Cruikshank who the Non-Certified Spouse called Mister Biscuit. So I feel like I already know Mister Biscuits!

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