Starfire #2

Remember back in the 80s when this comic book was called Perfect Strangers?

Sometimes I watch bad movies. Sometimes I watch really bad movies. And then sometimes I watch a movie which is a softcore porn for the first forty minutes and then it's a horribly amateurish horror movie in the last forty minutes. That movie really confused my boner! It was all, "This is great! I wonder how much they had to pay those strippers per hour to be in their amateur movie?! Did they have to let them in the actor's union? Wow! Look at all the naked stuff everywhere!" And then my boner was all, "What is happening?! Do those two women not know how to unbutton their pants?! Why do their bras look like full shirts?! Where are all the boobies and other girly parts that I couldn't really make out very well but I'm pretty sure I saw them so that means we're not virgins anymore, right?!" And I was all, "Oh boner! What did I do!? Why did I squander my good times hoping for the next really good nude scene just to run out of nude scenes and now I have to watch forty minutes of really bad acting?!" And then my boner was all, "We're rating The Slaughterhouse Massacre five stars, right?" And I was all, "Are you stupid? We can't encourage anybody else to watch it! It already has too many stars at two!" And my boner was all, "I'm not a boner anymore so why are you still talking to me? Can we just pee now?"

I should write plays. I bet I would be as successful as Samuel Beckett.

When we last left Starfire, she was parsing an idiom literally and it was totally hilarious. After that, she tried to put a penis in her mouth but her best friend Sheriff Gomez was all, "That is an inappropriate thing to do while me and that penis's grandmother are standing right here." Then a hurricane hit and I don't think it was natural at all! But then the comic book ran out of pages. So I purchased this issue to find out how the hurricane story ends!

Apparently I spent all month wondering which rascally villain was behind the hurricane and it looks like it's just a normal hurricane. Is this comic book just going to be about Balki Starfire trying to fit in in a somewhat normal community? Who is she going to blast with starbolts besides the guys who hit on her incessantly?

Starfire delivers her depravity interest and his grandmother to the hurricane shelter and then goes back into the storm to rescue the old woman's parrot.

Ha ha! That sign said "Lookout" on it!

Starfire's depravity interest goes back inside and says, "Well, Grandma, looks like Kori and your parrot are dead." But she's not! He just doesn't know how invulnerable she is yet.

Kori is knocked into the home of a gay guy in a bathtub. I know he's gay because he has two pugs. That's a dead giveaway! Plus she needs a best friend who is gay. There is absolutely no other possible friend combination for Starfire. She has a responsible single woman friend and now she will have the gay male friend and she already has the handyman that fixes up her leaks, if you get my drift. Once again, I hope that was a drift!

Meanwhile Starfire's best friend's brother Sol who will be Starfire's long term depravity interest (the handyman is just around for short, desperately needed, spur of the moment depravities) is risking going out to sea in the hurricane to save some honeymooners stuck in their sailboat. He's a true hero because he doesn't have any super powers. Plus he might have a bit of a death wish since his wife died in a hurricane two years ago. Sol's coworker can't stop him so he decides to call Sol's sister and make her worry about her brother even though there's nothing that she can do. I guess she can call her best friend to help since her best friend has super powers. But Gabe the Coworker doesn't know that so he's really just calling to worry her. Jerko.

Stella picks up Starfire so that her brother can fall in love again.

Meanwhile at the trailer park...

Wow. Key West is stranger than I realized.

Sol Gomez rescues the honeymooners at sea but then his boat capsizes. But don't worry! Starfire finds them. But she can only carry two people at once so she rescues the honeymooners. But don't worry! Sol is destined to fall in love with Starfire! He has plot immunity from drowning! Even if Starfire gets distracted by that big creature that doesn't like her smell (although I bet she smells super nice. Like coconuts and bananas! I bet that's what women's skin smells like! Coconuts, bananas, and fear). Then she'll go back for Sol but he'll be gone and everybody will think he drowned but then he'll appear and be all, "Why does everybody look so sad?" And Starfire will be all, "What is 'sosad'?" And everyone will laugh at Starfire's confusion instead of helping her with her English.

Or Starfire will save his life. Somebody always falls in love when that happens!

Now Starfire will be told to give him mouth to mouth and she'll be all, "But that is kissing. I gave mouth to mouth to the handyman earlier. Is this a trick to get me to kiss this corpse?"

Or she'll do it on her own initiative. I think maybe Roy Harper already tricked her with the kissing him to do mouth to mouth thing. At least she learned something useful from Roy and Jason.

Can movies and television and comic books please stop using the "mouth to mouth" scene as a means to establish romance? It's really creating a No-Homo Life Saving Culture where insecure men are afraid to give mouth to mouth to other men. I bet at least two to three men die every year from not receiving mouth to mouth quickly enough due to scenes like these!

And by "partnered," she means "depraved myself"!

After all of the excitement, Kori discovers that her trailer was destroyed so she can't live in the trailer park with Handyman Eye Candy anymore. But she does get invited to live over the garage at Stella and her brother's house! First they have to find a place to dump all of Sol's wife's useless garbage being stored in the apartment. But after all that stuff is burned, Starfire will have a new home! Yay!

Starfire #2 Rating: +2 Ranking. This issue was still exactly what I think people were expecting when they picked up this series but a little less of the kind of annoying stuff and a lot more of the building a world I'm completely interested in stuff. The annoying stuff was how easily Starfire was confused by everything. I'm one of the few people who didn't find Balki hilarious and sexy which is why I wasn't into that. But in this issue, it was toned down to the level of that Israeli woman from NCIS who may or may not still be on the show since I don't watch it anymore. It's still an old joke but at much better, lower levels this issue. And of course the art is spectacularly gorgeous. And by art I mean Starfire's butt (also her other parts. And everything else too, I guess). Who wants to practice mouth to mouth with me now?!