Teen Titans #9

Why does anybody want him?

I just got back from seeing Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory at the Laurelhurst theater. I've seen it dozens of times since it's as old as me but since it's currently fresh in my head, I thought I'd ramble about it a little bit. First off, it's a great movie with an uplifting message that treats kids as human beings. This movie, along with Mary Poppins, are two of my favorite movies from childhood. The Non-Certified Wife says it's because they're all about chaos. While that's not untrue, I appreciate when adults aren't teaching kids that they must begin learning to act like adults. They're stories about encouraging kids to follow non-practical dreams. Although at the end of Willy Wonka, Gene Wilder basically says he wants a kid to take over his business because they're easier to brainwash and control.

I also realized that Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory might be the first modern horror movie. It takes place at an isolated location with a bunch of young people who begin to be killed off by a madman one by one. And none of the deaths are accidents. By the time it's just Charlie and Mike, Wonka takes them on a trip via the Hsawaknow which only has enough room for Wonka and two families. And then when they get to the Wonkavision room, there are only enough outfits to protect the people who are left. Wonka did his research before allowing these kids in and he tempts them one by one with irresistible temptations which he knows will destroy them. Only Charlie gets lucky enough to not be butchered by this slaver madman. I'm pretty sure Wonka even shows a bit of disappointment when Charlie and his Grandpa finally catch back up with the rest of the group.

Now on to Teen Titans and my first thought as I open the book: Kenneth Rocafort's art is seriously making me think about dropping this book. It's not as rock and roll as he'd like to think. I'm not saying it's bad. Hell, I know a lot of people love it. But when I look at it, it feels like razor blades across the back of my brain. It's the visual equivalent of a Ted Nugent song. Damn it. Now I've alienated fans of Ted Nugent as well as fans of Kenneth Rocafort. Bah, fuck it. I don't have time to be concerned with everybody's feelings! I think I might be part Oompa Loompa. Boy, those are judgmental bastards! Fat shaming; parent shaming; hobby shaming. They just never stop with their cute little shame songs!

Red Robin and whichever Teen Titans are still loyal to him have decided to hide Superboy from the STAR Labs group of Teen Titans and J'onn J'onzz. The people after Superboy think he's killed twenty-two Muslims. But they were really Durlans so nobody should be calling him an Islamaphobe. It's more correct to refer to him as a Xenophobe. Anyway, Superboy is currently hiding in the skies of Chicago where he'll be sure to never be seen by anybody except maybe a few fat fucks with giant hot dogs stuffed in their mouths saying, "Ish shat a brd? Ish shat a prawn? It'sh Shlurpermern!"

If anybody purchasing this book thought the two page splash of Superboy flying through the sky when he should be hiding was a waste of two pages, get ready for another full page wasted as Red Robin and Chimera (the Durlan witness to Superboy's murders) have a discussion to explain to the reader why the double splash page was necessary. Superboy just needed to get out and stretch his powers or else he was going to go crazy. Now he's just going to bring the wrath of the non-merciful, justice loving Martian Manhunter down on Chicago.

Fuck you, Tim Drake.

I'm no friend of the media but Tim Drake is acting as if the media should somehow be reporting a version of the story that only exists in his own head. The only reason he's helping Superboy hide from the law is because he knows Superboy didn't commit the murders. And I don't mean "he knows" as in "he has proof." No, he just knows because he's a genius who chose Superboy to be on the Teen Titans and he obviously would never have chosen a murderer because, you know, genius! But Superboy was seen killing these people by at least one witness who spoke to the police (pretty sure it was Chimera who now claims she's certain Superboy didn't do it), he was brought in for questioning, and he broke out of police custody in a violent fight that destroyed the precinct. The law isn't going to stop trying to bring in a potential suspect simply because Tim Drake says they're wrong. Stop being so stupidly naive, Mr. Smarty Pants.

Bunker, Raven, and Garfield are walking the streets of Chicago like it's Disneyland. They're approached by two women who are "huge fans of what they're all about." Oh really? And what is that, exactly? Could it possibly be nothing which is why the girl remains so vague? Yep, that's the correct answer! This comic book has no point except to have a bunch of teens looking like Rocafort teens and doing Pfeifer teen things! I just wish they'd do more on-panel teen sex things so that a middle aged man like myself could stay interested. Oh yeah! Young people fucking! That's worth $2.99! I mean, as long as they're not too young! You know the age I mean! Young adults! The ones right in that age bracket that makes them sexually aware but doesn't allow them (in most states) to actually have sex with most of the population! The age where I'd rather see them fuck each other than have to listen to them discuss anything at all!

I am so non-sports minded that it took me another page to realize what the fuck Gar was talking about here. Just think if it were a couple months earlier. He could have been a racist caricature for the hockey fans!

While a crowd gathers to take pictures with the Teen Titans, a woman falls on the tracks of the 'L' Train. Beast Boy fucks up and can't save her because he turns into a cheetah instead of something that flies. Bunker fucks up and can't save her because he's not fast enough with making floating flying brick shoes. Or something. Raven fucks up because I guess she didn't have the proper spells memorized to save somebody in distress. So Superboy has to fly down and rescue her. Of course he doesn't pick her up and fly her out of danger. No, he drops on the tracks and stops the train on a dime. So I'm assuming at least, oh, forty people are now seriously injured? There aren't any seat belts on these things, Superasshole.

Superboy has been using his powers flying about and stuff but I guess it's only when he blows up a cop's gun in her hands (which, you know, goes a long way to proving he's a good guy, you know?) does he use enough power to alert Manchester Black as to his location. Now the STAR Labs Titans need to gear up and go start a huge brawl in the middle of Chicago for the safety of everybody! Except I think they actually have more selfish motivations that don't really stem from protecting the world from Superboy. Just a hunch.

Kid Flash takes a moment to say "Hey, girls!" as he passes by Wonder Girl and Power Girl. I think that was more an exclamation of surprise than a greeting. You'd think since he has superspeed, he'd at least spend some time bringing Wonder Girl up to speed on how he's back from the future and from the distant planet Takron-Galtos and maybe take a moment to say what happened to Solstice maybe?

Because Superboy appeared and riled up the crowd, they've now turned on the Teen Titans. Yawn. Also, I think I'm offended by every single comic book writer who thinks that most people are irrational, senseless monsters who feel the need to physically assault anything they fear.

The team has an Indigo Lantern and they're relying on Klarion to teleport them? I won't even mention the other ridiculous shit on this page. I'll leave that for y'all in the comments section!

The STAR Labs Titans teleport to just outside of Mento's Chicago apartment and then Cassie punches the door to pieces. At least it's not as bad as Superboy flying straight through the wall. The only thing I've learned from superheroes is that if I ever received super-strength, I'll never open another door or window as long as I live! Once Cassie is inside the apartment, she challenges Superboy to another fight where she'll probably think things like, "He's so dreamy but I must defeat him!" or "I wish we were tussling in bed but he's so bad! In a good way! But not too!" or "He's trying to kill me and it makes me so fucking wet!"

Teen Titans #9 Rating: -1 Ranking because the art is the worst possible art if you're me. Most of you aren't but then you also don't get to rate the comic books on this page. It also gets -1 Ranking for being predictable Teen Titans bullshit where crowds love them but then they also hate them and then the Teen Titans battle some other Teen Titans. Not a hint of justice being served anywhere in the issue!