Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Deathstroke #8

Wonder Woman lounges around Paradise Island in her old costume just like I lounge around Paradise Apartment in my boxers!

Last issue while hunting the titan Iapetus Lapetus (get it?! Deathstroke is still hunting Titans!), Deathstroke was tricked into destroying a statue of Apollo which was a bad thing for some reason. I'm not even sure why he destroyed the statue when his contract wasn't to kill a statue. It wasn't even a statue of Iapetus Lapetus! I'd understand the mix-up if that had been the case. But now Wonder Woman has gotten all pissy about Deathstroke vandalizing Tartarus and she's decided to make a guest appearance so that Tony S. Daniel can draw some double splash pages full of cheesecake. He's going to make so much money on the original artwork!

I hate that when reading a Tony S. Daniel comic book, I know everything takes a back seat to how much money Tony can make on the original artwork of double splash pages. It's like 3-D movies in the eighties! They were written to the special effect instead of the special effect being a nice (if cheesy headache inducing) addition to a quality movie. The writers didn't care about plot and character so much as they cared about the next scene where they could shoot a harpoon at the camera or sling a spider into the audience. I wouldn't be surprised if Tony S. Daniel planned his books first by drawing two different splash pages and then writing the story to fit those scenes into it.

I haven't called myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader in quite some time, so let me do that again. I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader. This is what I wrote at the end of my commentary on Deathstroke #7:

I wonder if David Finch is pissed that Tony S. Daniel is getting his pencils all over his girl? He’d better not double splash her next issue! Although what percentage chance could it be that the 2nd and 3rd page of next issue are not one big shot of Wonder Woman and Deathstroke charging each other? Zero percent? Or maybe zero? Possibly zero, right?

I present to you Pages Two and Three!

My favorite part of this double splash page is not Wonder Woman's huge boobs but how the two of them are attacking each other while having a conversation which really should take place before the violence. I wonder if Wonder Woman has ever considered being an American police officer?

Wonder Woman wastes precious moments sword fighting with Deathstroke and chastising him for smashing a statue deep in Tartarus instead of immediately dealing with the real problem which is the destructive force Deathstroke unleashed. I suppose it's easier to beat up the patsy who let the really dangerous criminal out of prison though. Also it's a lot of fun. How often do you get to beat the shit out of somebody while feeling completely righteous about it?! It must be so satisfying! Like Tweeting, "I'm usually against internet lynch mobs but fuck that lion killing dentist guy!"

Slade reminds me, via well placed and thoughtful Narration Boxes, that it wasn't his fault that he broke the statue. He was possessed by a magic sword! And since Wonder Woman just punched him across the island where he dropped the sword by his side, I'm going to assume that he's not going to pick it up again. Although he still has a contract to kill Iapetus Lapetus, so I guess he's going to be forced to work with the sword until the contract has been fulfilled. But how is Deathstork Deathstroke going to defeat Iapetus Lapetus with Wonder Woman refusing to stop kicking his ass?

Great. He gets the upper hand in the fight exactly one time in eight pages and he thinks Wonder Woman should give up. Plus he calls her "princess"! She's a queen, you pig!

Deathstroke continues to call Wonder Woman "sister" or "lady" or "princess." I guess "Wonder Woman" is a mouthful. Should that sentence have aroused me in the way that it did?

Deathstroke goes from "The blade spoke to me--caused me to act impulsively. Almost as if it had a mind of it's [sic] own and an agenda" to "Not gonna lie, it's pretty cool. I might take it home with me" faster than a Southern boy can spout a homespun comparative clause. I guess Deathstroke doesn't mind being manipulated as long as he has a fancy weapon created by the gods that can change into any tool he needs to complete a mission. Can it turn into a condom?

Once again, Wonder Woman tries to remind Deathstroke that the world is about to end due to the release of Iapetus Lapetus. I'm surprised she's so concerned with the Titan but isn't doing anything to try to stop him. Some fucking hero she turned out to be.

Here's a thought! Instead of having Deathstroke point out how not heroic Wonder Woman is acting, how about having Wonder Woman act heroically!

So Wonder Woman would rather give up trying to save the world in favor of punishing Deathstroke? I think Tony S. Daniel might be writing Wonder Woman worse than Meredith Finch!

Deathstroke finally realizes that Wonder Woman is not going to stop attacking him so it's up to him to save the world from the Titan. He offers the sword to Wonder Woman so that she can use it to kill the Titan. All he wants to know is where to find Hephaestus so that he can kill him instead. Except he just gave up his god killing sword so that probably won't happen. Wonder Woman decides to insult Deathstroke some more instead of saving the world. She's losing precious time here! It's as if the only thing she cares about is making sure Deathstroke feels awful for destroying the world. She's almost ecstatic that the world is ending and she gets to heap all the blame on Deathstroke!

This can't be Wonder Woman. What kind of editor would allow Tony S. Daniel to write a character this poorly? Oh, look at that. Eddie Berganza! Carry on.

I'd say that DC screwed over any Wonder Woman fans by putting her image on the front cover but any Wonder Woman fan who buys a comic featuring Wonder Woman that's written by Tony S. Daniel deserves the poorly thought out, ill-defined Wonder Woman they wind up with.

Slade was killed in the first issue by some idiot moron named Possum and here he thinks the God of War can't kill him? It's because she's a woman, isn't it?

Hessia arrives to try to stop Wonder Woman from killing her old fuck buddy Deathstork Deathstroke. Wonder Woman judges her good friend on her friend's past choices and then knocks out Slade so she can tie him up and look at his silky smooth testicles.

Wonder Woman interrogates Slade with the Lasso of Truth and discovers that he was used by some higher power. Who the fuck cares?! Shouldn't somebody--anyfuckingbody--be trying to stop Iapetus! I mean Lapetus! Also, DC Comics, can you get a fact checker next time some asshole writer comes up with the name of a Titan that doesn't exist? Maybe do a Google search for "Greek Titans" when your "Lapetus" Google search doesn't come up with any results about Greek titans or gods or salads or anything Greek at all.

Deathstroke reminds Hessia and Diana that he can't swim or something so since he can't leave Paradise Island, he might as well battle Lapetus. Diana is all, "Yeah, that makes sense!"

Really? Diana will kill because of that kind of disrespect? Remember when she just used to threaten castration? Orion does!

While Diana and Slade were busy fighting, Lapetus found all of his body parts and has reformed. I don't want to second guess Wonder Woman but I have a feeling she could have found maybe one of his body parts before he did and kept him from reforming? No? Not a possibility? I know Slade had to be chided and derided and chastised and blamed and threatened. That was really super important too. But, I mean, she couldn't even bother to grab one of his toes or something on the way to beat the shit out of Slade?

The story continues in the annual which came out two minutes ago by my Pacific Standard reckoning, so maybe I'll walk over to the comic shop and pick it up to read next. I can't wait to find out what happens!

Deathstroke #8 Rating: -1 Ranking. I hate to do it because that means Twat Lobo is no longer the worst comic book DC publishes every month but this book is utter shite. But go ahead and keep buying it because the art is good, jerks! Keep comic books horrible by thinking the art is the best part of the medium! The only time the art is fantastic and better than the writing is when the writing is actually better than the art. That should make sense to smart people.

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