Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Batman Loves Superman #22

I would complain about Variant Covers ruining the value of my Batman/Superman collection but I think Greg Pak's writing has already done most of the damage.

Currently in Batman Loves Superman: Batman doesn't love Superman! How can he? He hardly even knows him. He just thinks he loves Superman but he really just loves a figment of his imagination. He loves a Superman that the real Superman can never really live up to. What Batman needs to do to forget about Superman (who he doesn't really love but he thinks he does because he's just sexually attracted to him and wants to put his Batboner in Superman's Superbutt) is to go have sex with somebody who thinks they love Batman (like The Joker). Another more difficult way for Batman to learn that he doesn't love Superman is to rush into marrying him and then, over the course of many long, difficult years, truly get to know Superman and discover that he's nothing like the Superman that Batman built him up to be. Then he'll be disappointed with Superman and blame Superman for all of Superman's flaws when really he should be blaming his stupid imagination. Imagine better next time! Like maybe realize that Superman has a mind of his own and he's going to say and do things that you don't agree with and that isn't something to be angry about because Superman deserves to be a fully fleshed out human being with his own thoughts and desires and dreams. It doesn't make him a bad person just because he didn't turn out to be an acquiescent fuckbot; it just makes him a human being! I mean an alien!

The issue begins with Commissioner Batman thinking Superman is a clown. He also says Superman came to Gotham to pick a fight with him when he just determined last issue (with the help of Lex Luthor) that it was Commissioner Batman who attacked Superman. I'm glad Pak opened with this scene because now I know what Pak thinks of Jim Gordon. He thinks Jim Gordon is an asshole. Although it seems to be DC Comics' policy that Superman and Batman fight as often as possible for some reason. I guess it helps build drama and tension for stupid, unthinking readers.

Commissioner Gordon tells Superman he's under arrest again because that's the best opening gambit for a police officer. It doesn't matter if a cop actually has a reason to arrest you. If they tell you that you're under arrest and you argue with them because they have no reason to be arresting you then they can arrest you for resisting arrest. Fucking douchebags.

Superman and Commissioner Batman don't actually get into a fight because Superman is there to talk. That's a novelty! Instead of fighting, they have an idiotic conversation. Man, now I wish they'd decided to punch each other to death.

Isn't that every man always?!

The rest of the conversation goes like this:

Commissioner Batman: "I can't trust you!"
Superman: "I can't trust you!"
Commissioner Batman: "You're a liar!"
Superman: "You're a liar!"
Commissioner Batman: "I'm not going to work with you!"
Superman: "You have to work with me! Both of our trademarked names are on the cover!"
Commissioner Batman: "Okay, fine! But I won't like it!"

You are still Superman. You might use your microscopic vision to look at his prints and save them in your super-memory for later when you'll draw them up and check them against a national database!

Superman and Commissioner Batman learn of a break-in occurring beneath a Wayne Industries warehouse. It's the warehouse where Lucius Fox works because he isn't allowed to work in an office. He acts like it's cool and he enjoys it because it keeps him out of office politics and drama but really he's sad because he knows he's been ostracized to a far corner of the company. But it's a good thing it's Lucius Fox's warehouse because he has some information for Superman and Commissioner Batman: the culprit behind the attacks on Superman and Wayne Industries is an organization called Dawn Command!

Dawn Command is after the miniature sun housed in the Wayne Industries Warehouse because that's a thing now. STAR Labs accidentally created a miniature sun. They were all, "Let's do an experiment that doesn't involve fusion at all! La dee da da da! Whoops! We created a fusion generator by accident! We'd better turn it over to Wayne Industries because we don't know what to do with it!"

Superman and Commissioner Batman have another childlike exchange of words before Ukur, Beastlord of Subterranea, breaks through the ground and attacks. Of course it's Ukur the Beastlord! It was either him or Xa-du or Hiro the Toymaster or Mongul!

Commissioner Batman goes to battle Ukur with a wrench. But he's knocked down so then Superman goes to battle Ukur with the wrench. Then Commissioner Batman thinks, "He's crazy! Battling that monster with a wrench!"

Hey, Syaf! You know you can draw anything from your imagination, right? That wrench Lucius is currently holding doesn't have to be the only weapon in the warehouse.

Superman and Commissioner Batman continue to do exactly the wrong thing so that they continue to distrust each other. Plus Commissioner Batman pisses off Ukur just as Superman is about to save the world. Ukur rushes back underground declaring that he now has a real reason to destroy the surface people so now his plans that were already in motion to destroy the surface people is justified! Superman follows Ukur underground while Commissioner Batman hangs back kicking pebbles and thinking, "I messed up. Boo hoo. I thought I was in the right and that made me a special kind of mad!"

Batman Loves Superman #22 Rating: -1 Ranking. I don't like any of the Superman titles right now. There are reviewers out there who do like them but those reviewers are awful at their job. But I'm not a reviewer so I can shit on any book I read. I don't have to worry that DC Comics might never use one of my blurbs for their trade paperbacks if I piss them off. I mostly don't have to worry about DC never using one of my blurbs for their trade paperbacks because the blurbs I come up with are awful. "Batman Loves Superman is the kind of comic book that makes you wish nobody had ever invented comic books! The interactions between Superman and Batman are the most realistic portrayals of two petulant eight year olds fighting over who gets to use the kickball at recess. Come on, DC Comics! Notice me! I need to feel like a big shot!"

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