Lost Army #1

Didn't this book already fail when it was called Legion Lost?

I'm still not over the way 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 was portrayed in the Sneak Peek. Cullen Bunn had her cursing or speaking or whatever in binary. There's absolutely no reason why she would be speaking in fucking binary. She (and possibly her entire race) is a math genius. People who are good at math do not speak in binary. And even if...EVEN IF...she did speak in binary, the binary she was speaking in the Sneak Peek was gibberish! Cullen Bunn doesn't understand my girl 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 and he's going to ruin her. And apparently I'm going to pay to watch her defiled by this monster. So who's the real monster here?!

During the Sneak Peek, it was established that John Stewart, Arisia Rrab, Xrill-Vrek, Kilowog, and 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 (or, more properly (apparently!) 00110010-00110110-00111000-00110001-00110111-00111001-00110101) have mysteriously found themselves in a mystery place. They found Krona because his corpse was stolen from Atrocitus and apparently resurrected and stuck in this strange world. They were beset by creatures that devour foreign matter. This issue begins with the group battling these strange creatures.

These things want to kill you because you are foreign invaders. That means they're the immune system of whatever creature you've been shrunken down and injected into. Mystery solved!

I just cleared it up Kilowog! Granted, you still don't know whose body you're inside of (probably Hal Jordan's which is why Krona is here because he's linked somehow to Krona's Gauntlet) or how you were shrunk down and by who or why you don't remember any of it. I guess those will be the mysteries you'll need to solve. But don't think you'll solve them in this first issue! It'll probably take at least six issues before the revelation that you're inside some other creature!

John Stewart begins flashing back to when he was in the military because he can't stop Narration Boxing about aggression and how he uses it as a tool to solve problems. He points out that it's not a popular concept because it's an idiotic concept, asshole. Sure, aggression is a way to solve the problem of having been sent to force a foreign people in their own land to submit to your philosophies, especially when they--not surprisingly--aggressively try to get you the hell out of their homelands. Kind of weird how that works, right, John?

I've never disliked John Stewart until this comic book. Thanks, Mr. Bunn!

What you were born to do was invade another species' home and then murder them all when they try to defend their territory?

Krona decides to give a four panel speech about his past which begins with "I am a scientist" and ends with "I have my own [faith]." Fuckity fuck fuck somebody fucking please choke me to death right this fucking minute.

Lantern's crew find some other Lanterns encased in red crystal. They're dead because, as is usual in the Lanternverse, the enemy they're facing is pretty much immune to green lantern light. I seriously wish the yellow flaw never went away because even if it was an incredibly stupid way to give the Lanterns an occasional hard time, at least it was something established. Now the "yellow flaw" is just lazy writers forcing the Lanterns to battle enemies who just happen to somehow be immune to the light. It's a constant. The most powerful weapon in the universe is never very fucking powerful. Also, the rings run out of charge at every convenient moment. When they used to retain a charge for 24 hours, writers were constantly coming up with excuses for how the ring was just charged nearly 24 hours before a big fight and now the ring is failing! Now the rings just fail because too much stress is put on them and the charge drops down to zero in just a few panels. The Green Lanterns are possibly the worst outfitted heroes in the universe for the job they do.

Krona suggests giving him a ring from one of the dead Lanterns and he'll use his Science Suit to track the energy back to the Willpower Source. I think Willpower resides in the chin so they'll have to make their way to Hal Jordan's chin now.

The crew is suddenly attacked by more popcorn shrimp when flashes of green and red light shoot around them, killing the attackers and saving the day.

Well why not. Let Cullen Bunn ruin Guy Gardner as well.

I guess Guy isn't ready to be truly hopeful because he's stuck with the red and green rings still.

The crew continues to follow Krona's lead right into a huge pyramid of red spectrum energy. And John Stewart is all, "Aggression, man, aggression! It wins wars! And this thing is aggressive! We're in trouble and that rhymes with bubble and that stands for pool!" I bet next issue one of the other characters thinks about a different spectrum energy and changes the whole theme and then they find the source of that energy as well!

Lost Army #1 Rating: Somebody needs to hire Gerhard to work on this comic book because it desperately needs some background art. It's like the Lost Lanterns are just flying in front of a cosmic screensaver and it's set to the factory default boring ass generic various colors bullshit. At least the characters all look good, so kudos to Jesus Saiz. As for the story? It needs a lot of work to keep me interested.