Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Prez #2

Taco Soldiers are the best soldiers.

This issue begins with Corndog Girl Beth Ross still not president of the United States. She'd better hurry up and win the election because this series only has ten issues left after this! It really can't spend more than two issues getting her elected! Since she isn't in the White House yet, she still has to attend classes at Paris Hilton Community College. That's hot.

While learning about why Rome fell because it probably fits in to the story thematically, her asshole classmates take pictures of her because she's Youtube Famous. Also she's a candidate for the presidency but I have a feeling that's less important.

She's the most adorable character since Maps who was the most adorable character since 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 who was the most adorable character since Vampire Tig (who I still haven't forgotten! I love you Vampire Tig! Please suck me!).

Beth is wearing a Trans-Vaginal Mesh shirt which I'm sure is a band. It's also something that I dare not ask Lord Google about! I probably know enough about it from the constant commercials about how trans-vaginal meshes have destroyed billions of lives and somebody needs to be sued over them.

Beth's father has the dreaded Cat Flu which is worse than Cat Scratch Fever which is actually a real thing and not just a Ted Nugent song. My cousin Jason had it once and he thought he had cancer because it creates a hard lump in your lymph nodes under your chin or on your neck or something. He was really scared until he found out it was Cat Scratch Fever. Everybody was relieved that they didn't have to be sad and could make fun of him instead.

I wish Carl would become the main character in Action Comics.

Carl the End-of-Life Bear appears for a total of six panels and he's way more interesting than Superman has been for two and a half years! I think I might want to fuck him.

Beth's father begins to hallucinate but it sounds a lot like wisdom and encouragement so Carl the End-of-Life Bear holds off on mauling him to death. Dad is all, "Beth! Your brain is brainy! Go get it!" Then Carl the End-of-Life Bear gives Beth's dad some Banana Pudding and Beth's dad dies. I think maybe Beth has a lawsuit against the hospital! Although I think if you eat anything from somebody with the title "End-of-Life," it's your own fault. No lawyer in the world can defend that kind of stupidity. Although I would probably smoke some of Carl's Mary Juana. I bet Carl would be the best friend ever. I'd totally suck his dick.

Why don't animal peeners have hair on them? That's probably proof of Intelligent Design. God was all, "I can't hide those hot little pink lipsticks with hair! Will Pablo Picasso cover his masterpiece, the Mona Lisa, in feces?! No way!" Then God remembered Picasso will be hanging around that Gertrude person a lot and decide that the Mona Lisa probably needed a better model and decided that other guy would paint it. Whatever his name was. Probably one of the Ninja Turtles, right?

Man, if you believe in God, I probably think you're dumb. Now hold on! I know that sounds arrogant! But just wait until you stop believing in God! You'll realize how stupid you were to believe in God and you'll think, "Oh yeah! Hey! Tess was right!"

You know the best way to get somebody to believe in God? Destroy their life when they don't believe in God! You know the best way to get somebody to stop believing in God? Destroy their life when they do believe in God!

Meanwhile in the House of Representatives, the vote for president continues to fail to pick a winner. But Corndog Girl is gaining ground because all the representatives have begun to vote for Corndog Girl so they can negotiate with the other candidates for their votes. But they hold out too long and Corndog Girl winds up president of the United States. Tacos for everyone!

Carl! Make that seven panels he appears in!

A guy named Preston Rickard picks up Beth before she can be mobbed by reporters at the grave of her dad. He's going to be Beth's Yoda because he's been through this before. I mean almost been through this before! Sometimes fans of certain comic books have to forget that they know things because of those comic books. They have to shut their stupid holes and just take it. Prez offers to be Beth's vice president because everybody apparently hates Preston Rickard more than Corndog Girl. Although they don't really hate Corndog Girl! They just hate the idea of her being president. I don't know why! If she were giving a State of the Union speech, I'd finally sit through one!

Also, I bet Preston "Prez" Rickards is working for Boss Smiley! Somebody has to be!

Prez #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. Guess how many Narration Boxes this comic book has? Zero! Now guess how good it is? The opposite of zero! I think that math proves that using Narration Boxes is lazy and never, ever needed to write a good comic book. The art is super duper cute. And the story is actually story-like! If you are not reading this comic book, I weep for humanity.

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