Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #1

Is this comic going to tell the tales of their alternate dimension shenanigans where Power Girl winds up married?

I think this is going to be one of those comic books that I don't need to write much about because I don't really need to remember what's going on from month to month. And everybody pretty much knows what they're going to get with an Amanda Conner/Jimmy Palmiotti slashfic by this point. Although throwing Justin Gray into the mix is kind of kinky.

The issue begins with Harley Quinn and Power Girl having been teleported to La Galaxia del Sombrero by The Clock King. Harley and Kara run into a horny Yoda dude. Then they encounter an eight-headed hydra thing which swallows Power Girl much the way the horny Yoda dude wanted to do. But playa didn't have no game. He was all, "There's a party in my pants and I already came. Oh. I said that wrong. Meet my hydra!" And then the hydra was all, "Roar! Gulp! Boing!" And Harley was all, "Holee holee holee holee!" And DC Comics was, "Is this check big enough, Mister and Missus Amanda Conner?!" And Justin Gray was all, "Can't we do a waaaAAAaaaaAAAaaar stoooOOOooooOOOOoOOOoooreeeeEEEEeEEEeee?" And I was all, "No way in hell am I going to take this commentary seriously."

Eventually, a massive robot head lying in an overgrown jungle welcomes Kara back and initiates the Love Nest Protocol. I think that means she's going to have to slip into something more comfortable! Which, judging by her regular costume, will turn this into a Mature-rated comic book.

The robot head offers to take Harley and Karen to the man behind the Love Den, Lord Vartox. He's currently busy right now with Oreth Odeox.

Judging by his outfit, his facial hair, and an earlier mention of his penchant for free love and a fetish for humans, this is probably the tamest way Lord Vartox could have been introduced.

Holee word that doesn't normally rhyme with holee but Harley makes rhyme with holee by adding "-olee" to it, the ladies' ship gets shot out of the air and crash lands on the planet. I bet Power Girl is going to be angry! And Harley will be somewhat nonplussed and maybe a little bit too excited.

Oreth Odeox has taken it upon himself to rid the universe of hedonism. So he's a bit like the Guardians with their mission to rid the universe of masturbation! That makes Oreth the second worst villain (after the Guardians!) to ever appear in a DC Comic book. Why is the Justice League battling Darkseid and the Anti-Monitor? They should be battling all of these aliens that want to end orgasms.

This guy has a low bar definition for prostitution!

Power Girl decides that lost on an alien planet and surrounded by hostile alien creatures who are comparing her private parts to the feet of alien animals is the best time to lecture Harley about not killing sentient creatures. I suppose there's no better time for it, really, since if she doesn't tell Harley this exact second, a lot more alien creatures are going to die. Harley's defense is that it was a tiny gun and she really didn't expect it to be so powerful. Power Girl should understand that because, let's face it, hasn't Power Girl most likely killed multiple humanoid aliens whose bones just weren't able to take the same amount of beating as a human? She'd only discover that after smashing them into jelly with a punch that should have just knocked them out, right? No way Superman hasn't accidentally killed a human or five dozen in his life just calibrating the right amount of power to put behind his punches. Plus what if it's an extra sunny day and he's got a bit more power than usual so that his usual force is just a bit more lethal than normal?

See? Those guys are in hazmat suits for a reason! I bet those with damaged suits are now dead! Or maybe they just didn't want to get any semen on themselves.

Intermission mit Spoilers: I watched The Babadook last night and lost interest in whether the mother survived the trauma after she killed her dog, whether she was possessed or not! For those two people that didn't notice, Babadook equals A Bad Book. One thing the movie helped me realize is just how terrifying being schizophrenic can be. I'm not saying the mother was schizophrenic; she was just having a severe mental breakdown brought on by years of guilt, grief, stress, and overexertion. But because experiences on LSD are about as close as one can get to schizophrenia, and because I love LSD (although it's been about thirteen years since I last did any hallucinogens (or any drugs stronger than a Vicodin)), I always thought it would be interesting to live with that perspective on a daily basis. I wasn't totally naive though! I knew it would also be exhausting and often confusing in the moments when your perception really skews and you lose all sense of ego or time or place. And it probably wouldn't be as enjoyable without being able to find a peaceful moment where you could reflect on and contemplate your experiences of warped perception. But The Babadook was a well done portrait of just how terrifying madness can be. The end!

That Intermission was brought to you by Power Girl's sound effect (BADABOOOM!) which reminded me of what I watched at three in the morning last night.

Power Girl and Harley Quinn meet up with some residents of Planet Let's Fuck, Baby. They believe Power Girl is "the mother to all." I think that means Vartox has a machine that turns his sperm into people and he extracts his sperm with a special medical device called a "Power Girl Fuck Android."

I bet his teleportation ring is his anal sphincter! Is that too naughty for Amanda, Jimmy, and Justin's little bit naughty book?

Before Power Girl and Harley Quinn can be led to Vartox, they're beset upon by dozens of Odeox's henchmen in hover cycles. Be with us next time when we'll hear Harley say, "Holee Karflippian Toeee, we're skunked!"

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #1 Rating: Let's face it. This feels a little lazy. I'm not sure it was worth paying three writers to produce this story about two female superheroes dealing with a planet full of repressed fascists with an unhealthy obsession with quenching some of the best body fluids evolution ever invented. Stephane Roux is killing it on the art though. She should get the biggest cut of the book. I expect next issue's bawdiness will be funny because it's funny and not just funny because it's bawdy. This issue's jokes were not as well crafted as my $3.99 would have expected. There was a horny Yoda which was funny because he was Yoda but horny. There was a love den which was funny because it had lava lamps and 1970s smells which was funny because this generations' grandparents were swingers. One guy was named Mo'zit Blaqhed which was funny because his entire head was covered in zits and then Harley shot it with a gun and popped it like a big zit. Power Girl's camel toe was mentioned which was totally hilarious because she probably would have one, right?! Stupid comic books not being realistic enough to show camel toe. You know Superman and Flash would have pretty major moose knuckles, right? Then a black guy with an afro named Groovicus Mellow appeared to call Power Girl the "foxiest mama in the universe" which was totally hilarious because black people talked that way in the late sixties and seventies! Plus half of his afro was burnt off and he had a beard like Carl Anderson (and everybody else in Jesus Christ Superstar, really). Am I too grown up for a comic book like this?! No, no. The comic book isn't grown up enough for me to completely support it! It needs to be filthier! It needs to go full on Heavy Metal! Or worse! Although I'm having a hard time thinking what would be worse than Heavy Metal. Maybe a cartoon full of naked people but with a soundtrack by Linkin Park and Coldplay?