Black Canary #1

This comic book better play an MP3 when I open the cover. And it better not melt my face or blow up my head.

Opening the cover, I'm met with the sound of silence (at least from the comic book. My butt made a comment and Pelafina the Cat won't stop commenting on who the fuck knows. I wish I knew because it sounds like it's really fucking important). My eyeballs are met with a page from a zine called Burnside Tofu. It sounds like the kind of zine put out by cool people about cool music with lots of cool images placed helter-skelter throughout the zine in horrible black and white photocopies of actual photos. I put out a zine around 1995 but it wasn't cool like Burnside Tofu because it didn't mention music or hip scenes or short stories where nothing happens because the break-up that is the driving force of the internal monologue of the only character in the story happened twenty years ago and the speaker has done nothing of value since because the speaker died that day and only thinks that the speaker is still living. No, my zine had superheroes in it. It was co-written by Doom Bunny and Upright. It was called The Galactic Hero Corps. The art in the final Zero Issue Special was by Dan Santat, creator of the cartoon The Replacements. That was the day my life peaked and now twenty years later it's all I can talk about because I'm really dead inside. And outside. Maybe that's what Pelafina is screaming about?

According to Tantoo La Biche, the creator of the zine, the group Black Canary "have been tearing up the road on tour--literally!" Wrong! Maybe they've been literally kicking ass. Or they've been literally knocking the crowd dead. But I doubt they've been literally tearing up the roads. Unless their roadies forgot to take the snow tires off the tour bus. If that's the case, I apologize to Tantoo.

Tantoo finishes her piece about Black Canary with "could Black Canary's song be over before it even begins?" Does anybody care?! How many people are reading Tantoo's shitty zine? Maybe a dozen simply because Black Canary is from Gotham so the people of Burnside would have more interest in the band. But I bet across the country, their fans are mostly teenagers who don't love the band as much as they love making fun of newer fans who proclaim they love the band.

Black Canary has just played another club where Dinah beat the crap out of half the audience and smashed up the joint in the process.

I guess she had a good reason. Or three good reasons. Or six good reasons, wink wink! OW! SORRY DINAH!

Some of the band members are worried that Dinah might kill their music career by giving Black Canary a reputation for violence and destruction. Wait until they hear about that time her and her last band destroyed a hotel with all of the guests still in it (see Birds of Prey #8 -- Tell Em All About It Tess!). Dinah seems to feel bad but not bad enough to quit the band. She's just going to continue to burden the members of Black Canary with her problems in the same way she burdened the Birds of Prey with her problems during Duane Swierczynski's run. What a mess that was! I almost hated Black Canary forever because of that series. And the way she acted like a huge snothole in Burnside Batgirl didn't help her cause! But she kind of redeemed herself at the end of that whole Batgirl vs. Batgirl's Senior Thesis story arc. But I think this is the last chance I'm giving her! She'd better be likable in this comic book or we're through!

Here's something I'm not going to do and you can all thank me for it later: I'm not going to compare this comic book to Scott Pilgrim. Not even once. Never in the run of this book. Ever.

Dinah promises that she will tone down the violence and ramp up the lead singer sexy time bust-a-moves. Man, this talking like a youth is easy! Like grinding a straight blunt down an elderly grabhandle!

Not if the Rival Band has anything to say about it!

I hope Black Canary battles F.V.B., the Future Villain Band! Hell, I hope this entire comic book winds up being as fantastic as the Sgt Pepper's movie! What a gem! Back in 1978, two soundtracks ruled my world: Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band and Ralph Bakshi's Lord of the Rings (Although the Lord of the Rings' soundtrack I most truly loved was from Rankin and Bass's Return of the King. "Frodo and the nine fingers! Frodo! And the nine fingers! Frodo! And the nine fingers! And the ring of DOOOOOM!" "Where there's a whip! KER-RACK! There's a way!"). Oh shit. Wait a second! Make that three soundtracks from 1978! I can't forget Grease! What a great year for a seven year old nerd's budding love of music! Although the soundtrack to Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band was like a crucifix to Dracula to my mom. I'm sure a piece of her heart died to see her son would rather listen to the Bee Gees sing the songs of her beloved Beatles.

Black Canary's roadie is Heathcliff. I think it's the same Heathcliff from Gotham Academy because how many Heathcliff's can there possibly be in Gotham? Like eight or nine?

Other members of the band include Paloma Terrific on keyboards and surly remarks, androgynous Casanova Lord Byron on drums, and mute child wunderkind Ditto on lead and only guitar.

Dinah promised this show would go better than the others but things soon get weird.

That's the Rival Band! They're alien scribble monsters! Hey! I bet that's their name: Alien Scribble Monsters.

To subdue the Scribble Monsters, Black Canary has to scream at the roof and drop the ceiling on them. At least that will let Tantoo use the headline, "Black Canary Brings Down The House--Literally!"

It turns out the Alien Scribble Monsters were after Ditto. They threaten the band and then leak out of the hole in the ceiling while Ditto stands around not explaining herself even though Dinah has to continually explain herself after every single show. It's not fair at all! Little girls get all the breaks! I can't even yell at them in public without everybody staring at me and saying things like, "What the fuck is wrong with you, dude?" You can't even knock them down when they stand right in your way and refuse to move because they're not paying attention! You have to act like an adult and go around them. I hate little girls! Everybody is always taking their side!

I wonder if Dinah will get Ditto an iPad or she'll just force her to write messages on the wall with her own shit the way she did with Strix? (See Birds of Prey #18 -- Tell Em All About It Again Tess!)

The band heads out to their next gig where they'll play worse than ever because they'll spend their practice time sparring and then they'll be too stiff to play well. Success!

Black Canary #1 Rating: I think I like this comic book. It's hard to tell because I constantly interrupt myself while I'm reading the book to type out a stupid comment about my past. But I'm pretty sure I kind of maybe sort of like this comic book. So far! But I don't want to like it if it's supposed to be cool and hip. Then I hate it because it's for young idiots! And if there's one thing I know young idiots love to do more than anything else, it's hang out on my fucking lawn! Get off it! And take your damn hipster zines with you!