Gotham Academy #8

Oh! I get it! Olive the other reindeer!

Last commentary, I asked why dumb people don't appreciate my commentaries. And then I found out the answer when a dumb person responded to some of my Twat Lobo commentaries on the Blogger mirror site! It turns out dumb people get angry when they read my commentaries! And then they get super angry and start drawing lines in the sand when you point out that they are not smart at all! Boy, unintelligent people sure don't like to be called dumb! Especially when they don't understand jokes! I mean, I guess, "Hey, Anonymous Person, you are dumb! Ha ha!" isn't the best joke and can probably use some workshopping. But the "ha, ha" kind of shows that it was a joke, right? Maybe I should have repeated it!

Boy, I sure hope Dumb Anon doesn't read this commentary because that person will be drawing lines in the sand all over the place! I don't know if there are enough grains of sand on all of the beaches on Earth to contain all of those lines! And it sure will be confusing. How will I know if I'm being careful and not stepping over the lines or if it's too late and I've already stepped over all of them?! I'll be paralyzed and won't be able to write any more commentaries! Just think of all of the free time that will leave me! Oh wait. I'm all turned around on this paralyzed thing! I hope Dumb Anon does read this commentary!

Last issue, Olive missed the entire issue. But judging by the cover of this issue, I'm guessing she's returned. Now Super Ha-ha Mystery Solving Pizza Club Rockfest can get busy pulling masks off sleazy real estate developers! I hope the first pizza they eat is Jalapeno and Pineapple. Mmm! My butt is burning just thinking about it! Oh! You know what would make that pizza even better? Vegetarians hide your eyes for the last half of this sentence after the colon: linguiça!

I wonder if anybody has ever put loquats on a pizza? I miss loquats so much!

This issue begins with a funeral. Somebody close to Olive died. It's possible it was her mother since she escaped from Arkham Manor in the middle of winter. And even though Olive can make fire just by thinking about it, it doesn't mean her mother can as well. So she probably froze to death. I hope Olive doesn't blame Batman because Batman didn't save her. With that logic, Olive will have to blame everybody because nobody saved her!

Actually, I'm getting ahead of myself. I still don't know who is dead!

Teenbat gets to Olive before Kyle can and she goes off to be consoled by his hunky Teenbatness. Kyle just hides behind a tree while his penis withers.

Later in the family car, Maps confirms that the funeral was for Olive's mother. Although I still haven't seen a body! And even if I saw a body, this is a comic book so Olive's mother can come back to life at any time! If Jesus Christ could come back in The Pictorial Bible then Olive's mom can come back in Gotham Academy!

Maps is frickin' adorable in that way that nobody else thinks she's as adorable as I do because she's my favorite and I called dibs on being her biggest fan. Queue for liking Maps begins behind me! And don't think you liked her before I liked her because I liked her five billion times more than you liked her in the very first panel she appeared in and probably even before that if you say you liked her earlier than that. She was my favorite when I thought her up and told Becky and Brenden about her and then they stole her from me and put her in Gotham Academy. Brenden also stole all of my sweater vests and beard oils.

Kyle is now definitely single since Olive is talking to a Teenbat. He's got all kinds of sweet tennis partners trying to get a handle on his racket but all he can do is pine for what he's lost. Or maybe he's just consumed with thoughts of Olive and Teenbat doing it constantly up in her room and he's actually more obsessed with the idea that Olive is being touched by some other guy than concerned with breaking up with Olive.

Tristan the Teenbat is busy spying on Kyle because this school is full of people who can't mind their own beeswax! Actually, Tristan is spying on Coach Humphries for the new science teacher, stupid old man Langstrom. Coach Humphries seems extra angry and he even squashed a tennis ball in his hand! I mean in a way different than in the way anybody can squash a tennis ball! I bet he's hooked on Venom!

Anyway, Kyle catches Tristan the Teenbat spying so he follows him to do some spying on Tristan! Is all of this spying extracurricular activity for Spying 101?

Holy hot as hell naked Teenbat! Rowwr! Or whatever bat's say when they see something sexy. BLIP BLIP BLIPPITY SQUEAK!

Kyle rushes off to tell Olive that she can't hang around with Tristan which only makes Olive imagine putting Tristan's cock in her butt. That's totally how things work, guys! Don't ever tell an ex you still care about not to hang around with some guy because she'll do it all over that guy after that! Also, you probably shouldn't do anything in anyway that's manipulating your ex. You should, you know, stop it already. You broke up. It's over! Go find another girl to creep out with your stalkery behavior! Just realize you never love a woman more than when you realize she'll never, ever have you and move on posthaste.

While Kyle and Olive discuss the Teenbattiness of Tristan, Maps is spying on them from the secret passage. Christ! More spying! Although this spying is the cutest spying so far.

Olive goes to talk to the guidance councilor who must be Hugo Strange because why not? Kirk Langstrom is the science professor! I bet the lunch lady is the Mad Hatter. I hope the White Rabbit is the girls' phys ed teacher!

Well, I guess Kyle never wants Olive to speak to him again.

Tristan is attacked in the graveyard but Kyle and Maps find him and help him back to Langstrom. Maybe they can all enjoy some Super Serum and become Man-Bats! If Maps were a Man-bat, I'd finally stop complaining about how lame Man-bats are! Langstrom has the kids go find Professor MacPherson because she and her dog have experience in solving paranormal mysteries! Ham and Mac to the rescue!

Kyle goes after Olive so that she can tell him she's a firestarter and then he can take advantage of her confusion and kiss her right on the mouth. So that's how you get women to kiss you! You find them in a vulnerable state and then tell them you're going to be a manly man and then kiss them before they know what's happening! I am going to get so much lip action at the roller rink this week!

Olive tells Kyle that she didn't mean to kiss him but that's okay because now Kyle can stay a single man but he still got the sweet, sweet kissing action! After Kyle leaves, Olive finds a letter from her mother and learns that her mother was really Fox Mulder!

Dun dun DUN!

Gotham Academy #8 Rating: No change. I have an idea for a new series! Gotham Academy: 20 Years Ago! Then it can star Bruce Wayne and lots of hot young kissing action! Not that I want to see Bruce Wayne kissing stuff! I just want to see the stuff he's kissing because that stuff will probably be totally cute girls! He'll be all, "Hey, lovely young lady, my parents died and I'm sad and need consolation. Do you want to come back to my dorm and watch Seinfeld with me?" Then they'll be all, "Who are you?" And he'll be all, "I'm Bruce Wayne. I have a butler." And they'll be all, "Like sure I'll go back to your dorm room all alone. Big sarcastic eyeroll! Huge fart noise! Jerking off motions!" She says all those things because that was what people did in the nineties instead of saying "hashtag" before everything. I think. I might be remembering it wrong because I was busy watching a lot of Seinfeld in the nineties and so I don't actually remember what human interactions were like back then.