Sunday, July 5, 2015

Doctor Fate #1

DCyou! Where Dr. Fate wears skinny jeans and a hoodie!

Doctor Fate! Doctor Fate! Does whatever a doctor does!
Leaves a sponge! Inside a guy!
Malpractice insurance premiums rise!
Look out! Here comes the Doctor Fate!

Is he smart? Listen jerk!
He does radioactive work!
Can he cure your cancer?
That doesn't even deserve an answer!
Hey, there! At the bar! Doctor Fate's on a break!

In the still of the morgue! He drinks like a fish!
Hates non-paying patients like that kid from Make-a-Wish!

Doctor Fate! Doctor Fate! Friendly neighborhood Doctor Fate!
Bills insurance a three figure sum!
Uninsured? Charge two hundred thousand and one!
Look out! Here comes Doctor Fate's bill!

It was obviously time for another Spider-man song since I perceive everything through the constant tune of that song playing in the back of my brain. Also Doctor Fate is making the THWIP gesture for some reason.

The issue begins with Anubis the Stray Dog running about Brooklyn threatening people with an afterlife. So scary! But then he sees some lightning and realizes Bastet is trying to fuck up his plans. He calls her a bitch but that's okay because he's a dog and he didn't mean it as an insult but simply a descriptor, even if he got it wrong because Bast is a cat. And you don't call a female cat "bitch." You call her Princess Fuzzy Mittens.

Get it? He's a medical student who must accept his fate! That's why he's called Med Student Fate!

Khalid decides not to accept his fate because most people try desperately to avoid their fate. But it's called fate for a reason! Get a dictionary, Khalid! Although if running from your fate and completely avoiding fate is your fate, I guess you can escape your fate!

If I published a dictionary, the entries for "fate" and "destiny" would read "See astrology." And the entry for "astrology" would read "Bullshit." I was destined to have a dumb blog about comic books. Not because when I was born, some god or the stars or fate decreed it would be. It was my destiny because it happened! Destiny can only be proclaimed after the fact. If something happened, it was destined to happen! The proof? Because it happened! But saying that something is your destiny before it happens is just surmising! Also, I think "fate" and "destiny" are supposed to represent some kind of grand design with a bit more import than they're usually given. Stop saying things like "I feel like I was born to do this; this is my destiny!" when you're about to run the obstacle course on American Gladiators. And if you think your fate was to "inspire" or to "raise awareness" of something, go sit the fuck down. I only want to hear about your fate or destiny if you were meant to cure cancer or discovered the greatest sexual position ever. You know, something important. Raising awareness is nothing more than masturbating in people's faces. Good for you. I hope you feel important now because you got your little bit of fame while raising awareness for something that you forgot about as soon people forgot about you.

I should say this blog is meant to inspire people! "If I can be a buzzkill on the internet, anybody can! Go for it! Live your dreams! You can do anything you put your mind to if you're kind of hard working and sort of talented but (most importantly!) super extremely lucky!"

How is Bastet not the most powerful Egyptian god? She's a cat in America! We love cats in America! She's worshiped daily. Every LOLcat meme is an altar to Bastet generating near endless amounts of praise! How is Anubis any more powerful? Do Not Want Dog wasn't any more popular than Invisible Bike Cat!

Khalid calls up Shaya, his girlfriend, to tell her he's freaking out because the Bastet statue at the museum tried to give him a shiny gold helmet. Shaya is all, "Pshaw! That's as silly as a museum statue trying to give me wings and a mace! TTYL!"

On his way home, Khalid stupidly jumps onto the subway tracks to save a young kid. That's when he discovers he has powers! Even without the helmet! Unless the helmet has followed him and it's doing all the magic itself.

Also, the magic could have been provided by Allah. Ha ha! No, that's silly. It was probably the magic helmet.

Puck the Cat (also known as Bastet or Bast or Bastt or Ubaste or "Holy shit the cat is talking!") tells Khalid that he should probably accept his destiny because nobody is going to keep paying $2.99 per month unless he puts on the fucking helmet already.

Meanwhile Anubis stalks the flooded city.

What is an evaculation order? Is that where citizens evacuate the city while jerking off?

Puck the Cat leads Khalid back to the museum to accept the helmet of fate. Right before Khalid puts the helmet on his head, Puck is all, "Did I mention you'll pay a heavy price for wearing that? No? Well, good luck!" Then Puck dies which makes this the saddest first issue of any comic I've ever read. And yet it's drawn like a newspaper comic strip and those aren't supposed to be sad! I mean, sure, occasionally some writer will try to step out of the comic strip box and do something touching but they still need to fill the space with old jokes and supposedly funny non sequiturs! But Puck makes sure to mention that she'll be resurrected in the Wheel of Life so the readers shouldn't feel too bad. She'll be back!

Khalid learns that while wearing the helmet, he's not completely himself. But at least he's not completely Fate either. While he's trying to come to terms with his new self, a tree falls on his father's cab.

Is this guy Anubis's chosen mage, Wotan?

Doctor Fate #1 Ranking: On its own, Doctor Fate is setting up a reasonably interesting world where the main character has a purpose. He also has a normal life he'll need to balance with his new role as magic protector of everything. As another part of the DCyou universe, we have yet another threat to end the world. I wonder how Anubis feels about the Martians trying to conquer the Earth while he's trying to wipe it clean for his own purposes? And do any of these other would-be conquerors realize that everything is going to end anyway if Superman dies, therefore their plans will be for naught? And I'm sure Lobdell's Doomed will bring about another end of the Omniverse disaster looming on the horizon. I also feel like the Powers That Be at DC Comics want every new character to be another Ms. Marvel or Burnside Batgirl. I don't mind characters embracing modernity but these are fictional worlds as well (for example, a magic helmet and talking dog-god) so every character doesn't have to be eternally connected to every other character with their noses in their cell phones. Although I did like how Khalid's mother uses her cell phone to actually call him while Khalid spends his time texting his girlfriend.* And now I won't finish that thought because it turned into an unexpected pun and I refuse to allow puns to have power over me. Instead I'll leave it as a riddle for you to wonder what I would have said after the sentence ending in an asterisk.

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