Monday, July 13, 2015

Bizarro #2

YOU! Got what I neeeeeeeeeed! But you say he's just a friend! You say he's just a friend. OH BABY!!

My dream is to be the Biz Markie of comic book reviewers! Have I succeeded yet?! My pockets aren't full of cash so I'm going to assume the answer is no. But that's not a problem on my side! That's a problem with the sophistication and intelligence of the people not giving me scads of cash. Jerks! I bet all those people with money are sitting around talking about their money and how excited they are to have Bloom County back after they quickly read the Bloom County Wikipedia to find out what all the hubbub was about. Hey! I'm super artsy and popular and funny too! At least I could be popular if everybody started talking about me! You should be the first people to talk about me on social media sites because that would make you cool and cutting edge! You could build the bandwagon! Also, you should be an investor with lots of money who isn't expecting a return on that money because I'm just going to spend it on Oreos and fines for masturbating in public.

Hmm. Since Bizarro is rated E for Everyone, I probably shouldn't mention masturbating in the commentary for it. Although, as long as I don't make a big deal about the word "masturbation" and call attention to it, all the young Everyones won't know what it is or how much time they'll be spending doing it in a few years!

Hey DC Comics! Leave the poorly drawn stick people crayon pages to me! You'll be hearing from my pretend lawyer whose never lost a pretend case in his life.

I've been reading the second edition of The Norton Anthology of Modern Poetry published about twenty years ago because I really like poetry by old white people and Langston Hughes as well. What I have discovered so far is that I don't appreciate Gerard Manley Hopkins at all. It's as if he decided he was going to write the most incomprehensible comic book reviews poetry he could think of, throw in a bunch of references to Jesus and Mary, and add a bunch of accent marks to make sure everybody was stressing his syllables correctly. As if it mattered! His meter is fucking--and I'm being quite technical in my poetry criticism lingo here--wackadoodle! Maybe it's just me. I have to admit some of his meter and schemes are quite clever, and he never makes them easy by not ending sentences where they usually end in low grade amateur poetry (at the end of the line! Duh!). I think people like him because he's difficult and liking difficult poetry makes a person better than a person who doesn't like difficult poetry. They get to look down their snobby noses at the dissenter and say things like, "You just don't understand it." Oh, I understand it's crap, jerk! Sometimes I like difficult poetry! But I certainly don't like Gerard Manley Hopkins' difficult poetry! Although that one where the nuns drown was hilarious.

Gosh darn it, Bizarro! Now a whole generation of kids are going to think King Tut was Pharaoh during the time of Moses! Thanks for contributing to Dumb Kids Who Don't Know Their Bible Culture!

I'm sure glad God is fooled by changing the "d" in his name to "sh"! That way I can get away with committing blasphemy whenever I stub my toe or rant at a fictional character! Watch this! "Hey Gosh! Suck it! Your son Jeezly Crow is garbage!" Hee hee! The best part is I can't be punished on a technicality! God is dumb! I mean Gosh is dumb! Crap!

Schlemiel! Schlimazel!

As an areligious kid growing up in Northern California, I had no idea that Schlemiel or a Schlimazel was anything other than complete nonsense. I don't think I learned of the existence of Jewish people until that commercial with the son and his grandfather fishing where the kid is a huge transphobic, misogynistic, anti-semitic bigot. Even back then, I knew to yell at the television set within earshot of people who would nod in assent and approve of my views, "That kid is gross! He should be shunned and destroyed!"

Oh! I forgot I was reading Bizarro. Um, Jimmy Olsen is freed from Tut's spell by Bizarro's penis chewing on his skull. Don't worry! It doesn't have to make sense! This book is rated E for Everyone. Have you read a children's book lately? They're worse than a poem by Gerard Manley Hopkins! I wish my middle name were "Manley" and then people would just assume I knew about cars and sports and pleasuring women without always embarrassing me by asking me questions I can't answer. Like "What is an engine?" and "How many sports does a sportsball score?" and "Why would I have sex with you?"

Bizarro's penis also slaps Tut's daughter in the head, breaking the spell on her as well. I should probably remember her name because it might seem sexist that I can't remember it as opposed to seeming like I have a serious brain injury which I wish I had right now to defend against any accusations of sexism.

What's her name's boobs look hot, right?

Bizarro uses Super-Hypnosis to defeat King Tut by making him think he's a chicken. I don't know what Bizarro really thought he was turning King Tut into because I don't know what the opposite of chicken is. When Tut drops his Staff of Ra, Jimmy Olsen breaks it over his knee releasing a huge amount of destructive magic energy! No, no. It just breaks in two. So unbelievable.

Does Superman have Super-Hypnosis? I suppose he would have the opposite of that power which is Super-Gullibility?

After Jimmy and Bizarro are given medallions and a convertible for saving the people of Smallville from buying some cars, they leave town, presumably for Gotham if the cover can be believed. Regina, King Tut's daughter, decides she needs to get revenge on Bizarro for turning her father into an Indigo Girl's song. Part of her motivation might also be the influence of the Staff of Ra after she repairs it. Also she might be mad at Jimmy Olsen for not kissing her after she gave him a car.

In Gotham, Jimmy Olsen snaps a picture of Kelley Jones' Batman throwing a Batarang into Bizarro's head. Next they stop off at Central City where Jimmy snaps a picture of Bizarro clotheslining The Flash as he runs by. Jimmy must have a pretty fast shutter speed! Unless it's something else about cameras that lets them capture fast moving objects. Like the aperture! Or the cell phone plan!

After evading the ARGUS Agents that have been following them across the country, Jimmy and Bizarro head into a ghost town where Jimmy gets to meet another fantastic looking woman he's not going to do it to. I mean, he's not going to do it to her because she's going to be a fully fleshed out character who is not just in the comic as a romantic foil for Jimmy Olsen. She won't be that at all! But she must still have nice bosoms and a nice behind, of course, or else all the male fans will throw the book down in disgust while scratching their huge bellies and wondering why the room smells like old farts and sniffing the hand that was just scratching their balls to determine if they should take a shower or not before the big Magic Tournament later that night.

Chastity Hex am not stripper name at all!

Night falls and the ghosts come out and I inscribe "Chastity Hex" on the inside of my Secret Diary where I keep the names of all of my crushes.

Bizarro #2 Rating: No change. It am not funny at all. By which I mean it has quite a few moments that really entertained me. It's a cute book!

No comments:

Post a Comment