Prez #1

I can't wait for all of the references to social media and apps and constant cell phone usage! That means youth!

The writer, Mark Russell, is my age and seems to be as fascinated with The Bible as I am. He has a book out called God is Disappointed in You which is a casual retelling of The Bible with cartoons by Too Much Coffee Man's Shannon Wheeler. I will (most likely) soon have an ebook out tentatively titled "Lyle's Study Guide for the Literal Interpretation of The Bible for Dumb Dumbs." That will probably change. It goes a bit more in-depth in my reading of The Bible since Mark Russell's book retells the entire Bible in about three hundred pages. I've got three hundred pages alone on Genesis. But that's good for me! Because I can publish one study guide for each book of The Bible which means more money! Although I don't have Shannon Wheeler doing any art for it. Maybe I can get Gerhard to do some stuff. What's he been doing since Cerebus wrapped up?

My point is that Mark Russell is writing a teenager and he's my age. Which means he'll be pretty good at it because I'm excellent at catching the flavor and nuance of teenage language! Here's an example:

Teen #1: "I was talking with this guy the other night."
Teen #2: "What did you talk about?"
Teen #1: "No. We were talking talking."
Teen #2: "Oh right! Did you use protection?"
Teen #1: "No! We were talking talking talking!"
Teen #2: "I'm confused. Can we just go back to using language that actually describes what we were doing instead of describing something we were not doing which winds up being something different every time?"
Teen #1: "Hashtag no."

Spot on, right?! I hope Mark Russell captures the majesty and wonder of being a teenager the way I do!

The story takes place in 2036 where old men still run the country but they somehow know how to use "pocket drones" and "camera eyes" and "cell phones." So far this is pure science fiction! I bet they can even pop boners without pills and they don't constantly hit on their interns! A group of senators called "The Colonels" are having a secret meeting. I bet it's to whine about how they have to take orders from a young girl whose first executive order was that everybody had to register to vote under their Hogwarts' house!

Apparently the president isn't a teenage girl yet. The Colonels are meeting to come up with a candidate whom they can manipulate and control. Most of their potential candidates have either turned out to be too gay or too well-documented while they were enjoying their youth. They eventually choose a Christian that eats hot dogs like he's fellating the other candidates. Apparently in the future, nobody can be president because our lives have become too well-documented and America is still hung up on pretending to believe their elected leaders are temptation denying, heterosexual, god-fearing teetotalers. As if that's ever been the case.

Meanwhile in Eugene, Oregon, the place furthest away from giving a fuck about politics, the future president appears!

Oh, she's adorable. I'd vote for her!

I bet I could have been president at her age too! I once threw a block of lard in an empty, still turned on Kentucky Fried Chicken deep fryer and it exploded into flames! Man, I wish that place had burned down that day!

Meanwhile on host Amber Wave's show on DCNN, Senator Jay Thorn proves that conservatives are still more worried about the fraction of people cheating the food stamp system instead of giving any fucks about the people who actually need the program. If people who claim they believe in Christian values actually believed in Christian values then they wouldn't care about the percentage of people who cheat the system. People will always cheat every system. The senators in power cheat the fucking system all the time and they just call it their job. A real Christian would simply feel sorry for those taking advantage of the system. Those people are cheating themselves out of a quality life. But that's their choice. It's not our responsibility to take the free ride away simply so that they'll pull themselves up by their bootstraps. Even without the system, they'll find some other way to cheat themselves out of living a fulfilling life. But a much higher percentage of people need the system, and use it as, a safety net to protect them from tough times and to help them get back on their feet. Those are the people Christians should be worried about. Stop trying to be the Bootstrap Police and simply concentrate on the people who need help. Oh wait. My entire argument is invalid because the real reason conservatives want to end any program that helps the needy is because they're greedy, vengeful assholes who just can't bear it if one single person in the United States of America is using their taxes in a way in which they disapprove because they fucking worked hard for that money, Goddammit!

But this Senator Thorn is suggesting Taco Drones which sounds good to me! I'm in!

In the future, people can vote via Twitter. Presidential candidates are forced to campaign on Vlogs or Videocasts or YouTube Channels or Redtube streams or whatever currently has the most viewers in every state. It's campaigning for the future! Which is probably why Beth Ross is going to win the presidency because the Corndog Girl video is hitting its viral peak during elections and she's going to get a fucktonload of write-ins. I'm sure the runner-up will still be that fucking kid whining about Charlie biting his goddamn finger.

Beth needs to make some money to save her dad who has The Future Flu. It's more deadly than even Past Flu which was pretty deadly. Heck Present Flu is no picnic either! She tries to go on a show called Double-Dare Billionaire but doesn't make it on because some other kid wins by shooting himself in the leg. It's not as gruesome as what goes on in the Big Brother house on a daily basis though, so at least entertainment has improved in the future.

This guy obviously hasn't been paying attention to the power of the internet to vote on stupid shit like the names of local bridges and flavors of potato chips.

Even Mark Russell has some misbegotten trust in the electoral system somehow being more powerful than the internet because in his fictional story, Corndog Girl (Beth Ross!) only wins Ohio. But anyway, because of her win, no candidate gets enough electoral votes to win the presidency. That means it's up to the House of Representatives to vote on the winner. Although we all know who really runs America, don't we?! Yes, Big Business! In a secret CEO Meeting at Build-a-Burger Headquarters, Boss Smiley tells the other CEOs how it's really going to be: Corndog Girl in 2036!

Prez #1 Rating: Where's the like button on this site? How do I give this comic book affirmation without a gorram like button?! I guess I have to use words? Okay then. I think Beth Ross is an adorable and likeable character. She's selfless and tenacious and her hair looks great and the freckles are really cute. I was worried about how "cool" this comic book was going to try to be but it's got quite a bit of that Transmetropolitan colorful fun wacky future flair. And I guess I shouldn't have been surprised by the appearance of Boss Smiley as the behind the scenes master manipulator who's going to be Beth's Fremesis but there I was! Surprised! And excited. This is a solid book that looks to be a lot of fun and has a platform to comment on lots of social issues. I mean, Mark Russell has already solved the food stamp problem. How soon can we get these Taco Drones in the air?