The Green Team #7

When did this comic book become Twilight?

J.P. looks more like a weregorilla than a werewolf. Except I don't believe in weregorillas. So he must be a werewolf that just looks stupid. Maybe he got too much Pug Blood in his werewolf mix.

This is the last issue of The Green Team so I should just skip the commentary. I'm never going to reread it since I won't have an issue #8 which means no need to remember what was happening in this issue. Oh! So that would make this a good place to talk behind my future self's back! Ha ha! That guy is such a huge failure. If only he'd made better choices in his life, he might actually be not miserable. Look at how fat he's gotten drowning his tears in package after package of Oreos! It's easy to picture what a crappy month he probably had since I'll never experience that month! The person that experiences that will be a totally other person and why should I have sympathy with that pathetic loser?! I'm just going to bask in the now of an early Friday morning, work looming a couple days in the future for that poor sap.

I'm starting to confuse myself! I'm speaking as if I know what's going to happen in another month so that when my future self reads this, the voice will sound as if it's speaking to him in the correct tense. Except I'm never going to reread this! I'm an idiot! This shit is fucking depressing. I don't even know what I'm doing. Worst writer ever. Where are my Oreos?

Let's concentrate on the comic book, shall we? It looks like the Green Team's Super Power Techno Discs have the ability to change the structure of the users DNA so that they eventually don't need the stupid suits. So J.P. is now the Beast of the team. And Cecelia is the Wolverine in that she can regenerate. Her claws will have to come from her pet cat as soon as her nanites infect it. Commodore 64 still wears his suit but that's okay because one person in a suit is fine. He's the Iron Man even though Iron Man isn't on the X-men. Although I think Tony Stark's drinking problem might be a result of a mutant gene. So he has the mutant power to drink but that sucks in battle so he had to develop a super suit to compensate.

Meanwhile, Temple Bellachek continues to look scrancy. That's scruffy and fancy at the same time.

I hope Cecilia can regrow her head because it isn't attached to her body anymore. Unless that's just her helmet. That's probably just her helmet. Although this is the last issue, so who fucking cares?

And look who just became The Human Torch!

I know! I know! That's from yet another fucking not-X-Men-team!

I suppose Mo could also be Iceman since purple electricity resembles ice just as much as it resembles fire.

Also, note how Mo finally became of romantic interest to LL here? Take that as a cue, "nice guys" that hate on women that never seem to go for the nice guy. First off, women don't owe you anything simply because of how nice you are. But second off and back on point, women want more than a "nice guy." You have to show that you can, at times, act like a grown ass man. They don't want to take care of a "nice boy." It's less apt to say women go for "bad boys" than to say they're attracted to men that show they can take care of themselves. So a man that punches another man in the face isn't attractive because he's a violent asshole. He's attractive because he's confident and makes decisions. Even if those decisions are kind of shitty and probably indicate he's a real jerk. Being a pacifist and walking away from a fight might be a noble position but it probably won't tip you over the edge on the attraction scale simply because there are too many other ways that your actions can be interpreted. Like you're a cowardly man-boy running home to mom. And you should probably listen to me because I speak from next to no experience on this subject!

The Werething isn't happy seeing it's sister smooching daisies with Mo. Unless "smooching daisies" is actually a sex act because I didn't mean to imply they were doing anything untoward in public. They were just kissing! Normal-like! On the lipsies! The Werething attacks Mo but lunges right through him because he must be composed of pure Purple.

And then as the fighting is getting supposedly intense (I can't tell for sure since I'm kind of yawning through it), Cecilia reappears! Literally! I think I can use literally there because she hasn't been seen for awhile so when I say "reappears" you'd think, "Oh, she just came back into the comic after being off-panel for so long." But I can use literally because she becomes visible after having been invisible like the X-men Sue Storm! Then there's more Daisy Smooching.

She kissed the Were right out of him.

After the fight is over is when the fighting really begins. Except it doesn't because Commodore surrenders immediately to Bellachek's goons. And even though they had orders to kill everyone, they decide not to kill everyone instead. I bet their ability to think for themselves and question orders will be seen as a sign of strength to their boss, Bellachek Temple!

Whoops.

The worst part about being fired by Bellachek Temple? He commands your replacement to kill you! What a dick.

Next Temple kills the replacement for back-talking him. If I were one of the remaining guards, I have a feeling I'd put a bullet in Temple myself at this point before the shit rolled far enough downhill to get to me. This guy is a maniac! Fuck the steady paycheck and great benefits package. Working for this guy is like working for The Joker.

The Green Team show up to defeat Temple once and for all but Temple has a surprise for them! He's been working with Daddy all along!

Why is his penis hanging out of his costume? Or is that a catheter he forgot to remove?

Green Team #7 Rating: No change. Whoops! Looks like there is still one more issue left! Now my future self is going to have to read those horrible words I left for him! Oh well, they're not that bad. I gave up before I got too mean because I'm a crappy writer and will probably just get even worse in the coming month.