All Star Western #26

As far as sidekicks go, I prefer Amadeus over Gina. Also as far as romantic foils go.

My 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Thorne, had a record player in her classroom. She had a case for holding records in the back of the class. I'm not sure who stocked the records but I can't imagine it was her. I suppose she let people bring in records and she didn't really pay them much heed because one of those records was an AC/DC record. In my mind, I've always thought it was "Highway to Hell" but when I just tried to find the image I remember from way back when I was eight or nine years old, "Highway to Hell" was not it. I've always known the cover to "Highway to Hell" was the one with Angus having horns and shit but I assumed the image I remembered was from the back cover or an inside sleeve. But now Lord Google has allowed me to correct my memory and realize the album was "If You Want Blood." So for those of you that don't know the back cover to "If You Want Blood," this was the image burned into my little kid brain thanks to my 4th Grade teacher and whoever brought in this record.

The front image isn't any better but this is what I specifically recall!

So if you ever really want to know the major difference between elementary school in the 1970s and now, realize that this wasn't a big fucking deal back then. I also learned how to play Dungeons and Dragons in my 5th Grade Gifted and Talented Education class. I wonder if I went to a Satanic Elementary School? That would make sense! No wonder I had Speech Therapy in 1st and 2nd Grade where they taught me the correct pronunciation of "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."

So anyhoot and otter-holler, All Star Western #26 begins back in the past where the comic book forgot it was supposed to be taking place for the last few months. It seems we're due a glimpse into what's been happening with Tallulah Black if'n ya don't think too linear-like about time or nothin'.

Looks like she's been hittin' the vittles something hard.

The title of this issue (which you can read for yourself in the above scan) puts doubt in my mind as to the veracity of the tale I'm about to read. Perhaps Tallulah is pregnant with Jonah's child. Or maybe she was but then won't be once things go back to the way they should. Meaning Jonah returns to the old west. Or perhaps this is just one little secret that Jonah will learn about once the Swamp Thing stops attacking him and Jonah sets foot in the House of Secrets. Or maybe Jonah will get to meet his future progeny!

Tallulah is off to get married (which is why she needs a preacher, I reckon!) and the groom just happens to be Jonah Hex. Hmm. Remember that title! Something weird is going on here!

Yes indeedy. Something a might bit strange and peculiar.

As the ceremony is coming to a close, the bride, the groom, and the Strangel wind up in a Mexican standoff. Although each participant has two guns and so has one gun trained on each of the other members, so it's not quite as standoffish as one where each participant only has one gun. I mean, in this case, you can kill both of the other members at the same time! Although everybody is likely to probably get shot in the face as soon as one person panics and everything goes to hell. So I think calling this a Mexican Standoff is still apt.

Tallulah and Jonah kill everybody in the church, and then Jonah kills Tallulah, and then Jonah wakes up from the hellish nightmare (what else would you call your own wedding?) to find he's once again being drawn by Moritat. He's also covered in Swamp Thing's Purple Blossoms. Yes, that's just as disgustingly sexy as it sounds.

Swamp Thing continues to remain in a fugue state so Jonah has to go fetch Constantine who's nearby having sex with a woman he met at Burning Man.

Not everything is a reference to Little Shop of Horrors, John. Most everything. But not everything.

Apparently this is a bit of a tie-in to Batman Loves Superman. These are Mongul's Purple Mercy Monster Blossoms that have caused that comic book series to go sideways. I hope that doesn't happen here because I already have a hard enough time comfortably reading a comic book the normal way up. I just want them to enter The House of Secrets already! I wonder if Rain is still witnessing there? I hope so! *swoon*

Constantine stomps the Ever Lovin' Purple Mercy Shit out of The Swamp Thing and he recovers just fine. That's when Swamp Thing goes, "Oh yeah! The House of Secrets, right? It's in Metropolis. I probably should have said that earlier before we got hung up in a mini-crossover with Batman Loves Superman. Sorry! Anyway, on your way!"

So Jonah Hex and Gina head on their way. But Jonah is being a dick to Gina because I think he's feeling a bit guilty about ditching Tallulah who might be pregnant, now that he's been forced to think about it a bit. But Gina puts him in his place like the women other than Tallulah Black from the 19th Century never would and he remembers why he likes Tallulah so much. And, of course, why he likes Gina as well.

See, Amadeus? This is what you could have had if you hadn't been so mousey and whiny!

So after however long sex with Jonah Hex takes (one week?), the duo find themselves in a shoot-out in Metropolis. But nobody gets hit by any bullets because there's this guy living there that is supposedly faster than those.

Yeah! This guy!

All Star Western #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. So while it would have felt like the first half of this comic book was just a waste of space in a comic book I don't like, it was enjoyable to see Jonah Hex's fevered Space Opium Dream. Besides, Mongul's little flowers supposedly show people their fondest dreams and they usually keep that person encased in them forever. But Jonah Hex actually broke their spell which I'm not sure has ever happened before because I don't know a fuck-lot about Mongul and his Special Flowers. I think they were featured prominently in Mongul #1 but fuck if I can completely remember! Plus, his fondest wishes are to have a baby and marry Tallulah and killing murderers together? That seems reasonable. Also, I'm enjoying Jonah Hex's whirlwind tour of the New 52 Universe. It's a nice change of pace from the usual western. I'm still really looking forward to The New 52's House of Secrets though! It didn't get much on-panel time in its brief appearance in Justice League Dark. I hope it gets a really nice treatment here when it finally shows up.