Forever Evil #4

I understand that there are people that like David Finch's art. Those people are wrong. So very, very wrong. In an objective sense!

Judging by this cover, Batman and Lex Luthor are going to wind up in a horrible teleportation accident. Or maybe they take the night off to go clubbing? And at some point during the night, Lex Luthor becomes a dwarf. Then while they're dancing at the club, Batman slips on a banana peel and accidentally slides into Lex Luthor's fist, causing his tongue to unravel and slide out of his mouth. Meanwhile Ultraman watches them from a distance while the other Crime Syndicate members stare off in random directions.

I'm also not sure why two question marks were used when pointing out that Lex Luthor and Batman might be humanity's last hope. Is that the proper punctuation for stating something not in the least surprising that would cause a person to consider briefly and then completely agree with.

Less Informed Scared Citizen: "Who will save us?!"
Slightly More Informed Scared Citizen: "Batman and Lex Luthor??"
Now Slightly More Informed and Not Quite as Scared Citizen: "Hmm. Oh yeah. I can see that. I like our chances!"

Also, Lex Luthor's armor makes him look fatter than Batwing in his armor.

Here David Finch displays his method for differentiating men and women: men get lots of lines on their faces; women get shiny clear skin.

Obviously Batman is about to show Selina the size of his cock here.

I know, right?

That's the final panel of page one. And anybody that knows anything about David Finch knows that he's the number two artist when you want gigantic, waste-of-space, double-paged splashes. Tony S. Daniel, of course, is number one. So when I turned the page, I was expecting Batman's huge cock to throb across the length of the comic book. I actually got out a washcloth and some lotion in preparation! But to my chagrin, it was just a huge, double-page splash of the fucking Batcave.

Whatever. Okay, blood, you can head back to the brain and extremities. You're not actually going to be needed down there.

Catwoman seems to be on friendly terms with Batman so I guess she forgave him for kicking her off of a motorcycle and nearly smearing her pretty lips all across the streets of Gotham. Batman and Catwoman need to grab a few things in the Batcave before heading off to stop the Crime Syndicate on Batman's steam-powered motorcycle. So those are Batman's only choices? Either vehicles wholly reliant on computers or a steam-powered motorcycle. He doesn't have a Volkswagen or an old Mustang or something? I bet Alfred has a fully mechanical car somewhere! Although you might have to crank his to get it started.

Oh Selina. Your contingency plan is in Batman's pants. Unless you're just hinting at an engagement ring here.

Batman decides to give Catwoman a little tour of his boxes so she can know some of those secrets of his that might put her in danger. He's got a Kryptonite Ring in his Superman box which Grid will be happy to learn about. He's got a Sinestro Corps Ring to help him defeat Green Lantern if it ever comes to that. He's got a tiny vibrator from the future for The Flash. He's got a Mother Box to help defeat Cyborg.

Just like Aquaman! Ha ha!

Wonder Woman's box was also empty because she's unbeatable. Unless it was filled with chocolate and Batman ate it. Grid is watching this entire exchange through a Bat-Security Camera so now he knows how Batman hopes to defeat the Crime Syndicate. Or maybe all he cared about was the Kryptonite for Ultraman.

Meanwhile Lex Luthor and his new gang (Black Manta, Black Adam, Black Bizarro, and Captain Black Cold) are preparing to go to war against the Crime Syndicate too. Captain Cold has finished creating a new Cold Gun because Deathstorm took his powers. I guess DC's policy of Meta-Humanizing everybody has been reversed a bit. Even Mirror Master made a new Mirror Gun over in Rogues Rebellion. I actually like Captain Cold better when he's just this guy with some advanced technology. I hope Captain Boomerang gets the treatment too so he's not manifesting boomerangs anymore and has to rely on a bunch of the weapons strapped to his chest. Just like the good old Preboot Days!

Back in Utah, Ultraman pulls the Kryptonite heart from Metallo because he needs a quick fix. I guess that's the end of John Corbin Metallo! But that doesn't mean it's the end of Metallo himself! He'll get a replacement soon, I'm sure. Superwoman arrives to give Ultraman the good news. And some bad news. The good news is she's pregnant! And the bad news is in the scan below.

As you can clearly see from the rendering of each character's skin, Superwoman is a woman and Ultraman is a man. Umm, their names may also have been a clue.

You know, I type the wrong word on occasion. You've probably noticed if you read these commentaries when they're published. If you read them a month after, you may think I rarely make mistakes. Oh how wrong you'd be. In my commentary on Red Hood and The Outlaws #25, I typed "time" when I meant to type "team." Fucking brain is a joke sometimes. I mention this because I just typed "there" in the previous caption and noticed it when I came back from doing some Tumblring and corrected it to "their." I mention this because it got me thinking about how quick people are to point out errors like that, often in a way that shouts, "You're an idiot and I'm obviously more superior than you since I know the difference between 'there,' 'their,' and 'they're.'" As opposed to, you know, ignoring it if it's something as casual as a Facebook Status Update because you know your friend obviously knows the difference but brains have a way of farting out incorrect information at times when people are typing fast. Something like this blog, I'd expect, if people did comment on my errors, that they'd do it in a kindly and informative manner, as in, "Hey, did you notice you fucking screwed up in that line where you meant to say 'time' but said 'team'?" They might understand that this is a stream-of-consciousness blog and I'm really not doing any editing on the thing until later. I never reread my commentaries after finishing them. But when you get to professional publications where people are being paid for the content, and where other people are being paid for editing that content, I think, by all means, flip the fuck out and call them out on it!

The preceding paragraph was brought to you by Rationalizing My Own Errors In A Way That Still Allows Me To Bust DC's Balls About Theirs.

Back in Central City, Deathstorm is called back to Crime Syndicate Headquarters to work on learning to transmute everything to Kryptonite for Ultraman. That might be where Firestorm is being held since Firestorm has that power and Deathstorm needs to learn it. And the rest of the Justice Leagues and their members are trapped within Firestorm. Power Ring is left to hunt Captain Cold all by himself. But first his ring needs to be charged and Power Ring is afraid of his ring and the way it charges. The ring really is a fucking bully. Power Ring needs to stand up to his bully and refuse to charge it! Can't he see it'll leave him alone once its charge dies? Although maybe that would leave Power Ring in a state of withdrawal. Who knows? Power Ring is a weird guy.

Power Ring demands that Grid send help because he's afraid to be alone with the ring. So Grid does but I don't suppose I'll see who Grid sends until I read Justice League #26. It won't be Johnny Quick and Erotica because they're battling the Doom Patrol. Why am I not reading that story? Why hasn't the Doom Patrol been featured anywhere yet? WHAT IS THE FUCKING HOLDUP? I wonder if The Doom Patrol is just The Chief and eighteen really fucked up clones of Gen-13?

Under Metropolis, Luthor and Pals are trying to find a way up into Wayne Enterprises (Metropolis Division) but Subject B-Zero is afraid of the dark and doesn't want to go any further.

I loved Preboot Bizarro. And now I love Reboot Bizarro!

Luthor and Pals break in only to discover Batman and Catwoman already ripping off Bruce Wayne. It's their first clue that any of Earth's biggest heroes survived the Crime Syndicate's invasion. Before a fight erupts between these soon to be allies, Power Ring and his backup crash through the wall! Power Ring's backup consists of Giganta, Deathstroke, Blockbuster, Copperhead, and Shadow Thief. Because those fuckers are everywhere this month. And maybe last month. And probably the month before.

While Luthor and Pals battle Deathstroke and Friends, Batman decides it's time to become really fucking scary.

Really? A bat? Is that all you can fucking come up with, Batman?

I wasn't reading comic books during all of Green Lantern's Lantern War comics, so I don't know if Batman wore a Yellow Ring then or not. I can't imagine that the chance was missed though. His entire theme is based on putting fear into the hearts of criminals. So who better than Batman to wield a Yellow Ring? Who fucking scarier?!

Also, I really like the simple yet striking change to the costume. Now I want a Sinestro Corps Batman Costume.

Batman's ring only has enough charge for the one bat construct before it conks out. Pretty shitty last stand, Batman! But it does have one other desired effect (I guess?): it attracts the attention of that long lost master of fear, Sinestro! He comes crashing in to beat the shit out of Power Ring. Or something. Who knows why he's back because who the fuck knows where he's been?

Forever Evil #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm really enjoying the Forever Evil series. Or at least various parts of it. This was one of those various parts I enjoyed. I was a bit disappointed in Batman's short-lived career in the Sinestro Corps here. Especially since he acted like he was a Red Lantern while wearing the ring. Do Yellow Rings hurt the wearer too if the ring wasn't meant for the person wielding it? It was a nice moment before it continued though! Maybe if Batman had put it on his penis, he would have stood a better chance against Power Ring's snake constructs.