Thursday, January 30, 2014

Batman #27

If only this were the actual Batman.

Commissioner Gordon: "Batman! We need your help! The Joker was seen gassing strangers at the downtown cineplex!"
Commissioner Gordon: "Batman? Batman? Downtown! Danger! Evil! Help!"
Commissioner Gordon: "Hey, um, Harvey? Do you, by chance, have you the number of Batwoman? Batgirl? Robin? I'll take a Robin at this point!"

This issue begins in Tokyo in 1946, of course. Why the fuck not?! Has anybody checked on Scott Snyder lately? Who's turning in his scripts? Does he have a habit of getting blackout drunk? Does he even fucking remember that he was busy with a Riddler story? I guess The Riddler is like caulk. He's just filling in the gaps between The Red Hood and the Doctor Boner stories. And now maybe he's starting a new story over in Japan.

Is she making a Bat Signal or an Owl Signal?!

Maybe Snyder didn't like that, in his $3.99 book, he has to write two pages more than the other lazy writers at DC so he decided to fill them with stories that don't make any fucking sense! Last issue, it was some secret hidden base in the desert with giant Ben Wa Balls that house prisoners. This time, it's a foxy lady singing to American GIs overseas. Oh, I'm sure it'll all make sense at some point. If it is indeed Snyder still writing this comic book!

Seriously. Has anybody spoken to him face to face recently? I'm worried.

After the detour through Tokyo, the comic begins where the last one left off. The police are shooting the shit out of Batman and they know all of his getaway tactics. He can't get Alfred on the radio and he's desperate to find a way to retreat. He manages to blast his way out to sea underwater using an air tank with the nozzle knocked off. And that's where he meets the guy that's going to become a pretty good friend. Eventually. And lover. Probably eventually.

Jimbo Gordon!

Batman was shot at and nearly blown up so many times in the last few pages that my suspension of disbelief short-circuited. So now I'm left with rationalizing how he survived this set-up by the Gotham Police and I can only come to one conclusion. He did not survive. He was killed and his body floated out to see where Gordon, now insane from the long hours and the criminals use of strange gases and having to deal with nearly complete corruption in the force, pulls Batman's lifeless body onto his boat while hallucinating that Batman is still alive. In other words, Batman died six years ago and Batman is Commissioner Gordon's Tyler Durden. Bruce Wayne still exists because, after months had passed and Bruce failed to come home, Alfred knew he was finally, truly gone. So he found a homeless man that looked like Bruce Wayne, cleaned him up, and tells him what to do for a nice weekly salary. Alfred figured as long as people thought Bruce was still alive, the paychecks would continue to clear. Especially now that Bruce had seen fit to give him a 10,000% raise.

As Gordon drives Batman's corpse back to the shore, he tells it about when he first met Bruce Wayne. It's the perfect story to pass the time because it's the coat that Gordon received that day which led Bruce to think Gordon couldn't be trusted years later. Of course, Gordon probably keeps the coat as a reminder to stay warm and dry.

Gordon finds what you'd expect to find: clothing, cops, and dog fighting.

As Gordon finishes his story, he turns around to find that Batman's corpse has fallen out of the boat. Gordon believes he somehow stealthily disappeared which is why Gordon always thinks Batman suddenly appears and disappears when he's really just a fucking figment of his imagination.

Back at the Batcave, Alfred lays a theory on Bruce that Bruce doesn't want any help from anybody because he's angry with them all and he's punishing them by making them watch him save everybody and nearly die every night. But I don't know how to keep up the ruse that Batman is dead when describing this scene or scanning it so now I'm angry at it. How dare it ruin my fun? Why wasn't somebody there to stop it from ruining my fun? Why couldn't Scott Snyder write it in such an ambiguous way that I could continue to live out my Batman is Dead ruse? I'm so angry. I'm going to punish my comic book. I'm going to make it watch as I masturbate every night, dangerously and angrily and out of vengeance and darkness!

Oh! Also, Alfred explains what was happening out in the desert with Bruce Wayne inside the giant Ben Wa Balls! Bruce Wayne had been sighted and Uncle Phil was sending mercenaries to pick him up. So Alfred spent all of his money out of his Secret Tin to hire a courier to get a phone to Bruce Wayne so that Alfred could warn him that somebody was coming to drag him back to Gotham and force him to become a boring fucking business man. So that's what that was all about. I still don't know what was going on with the singer in Tokyo and the American G.I.

Batman has a hunch he knows where Doctor Boner's hideout is located, so he heads to some Catacombs and finds a lab. But instead of finding Doctor Boner's big plan, he finds The Riddler's big plan which is just a bigger plan on top of Doctor Boner's big plan since Doctor Boner is working for Edward Nygma.

I'm finding making dick jokes about Scott Snyder's Batman is difficult. Notice I didn't say hard? That would have been inappropriate to the gravitas of this comic book. What is gravitas? Is that like gravy?

The Riddler floods the lab and believes that The Batman has drowned because this is the first time The Riddler has ever attempted to kill Batman. He'll know better next time (and even more better the time after that!) that The Batman is not an easy person to kill. And maybe he'll make his riddles a little extra harder because of it. But at least The Riddler left a few more clues so that Batman can stop his major plan which is some kind of Doomsday Machine in Three Parts. The Riddler's clues are "Gotham's Bones" which might mean its foundation and/or its penis, "Gotham's Blood" which probably means the electrical system, and "Gotham's Bowels" which is obviously the sewers.

Batman #27 Rating: No change. The Next Month Blurb mentions a glimpse into the future of Batman Eternal. DC, your Weekly Comics had better count as four each out of the fifty-two or else I'm going to have to begin making some cutbacks. Um, also, Batman was pretty good but I still wish I were reading the entire story at one time.

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