Superman Loves Wonder Woman #4

What secret? That glass is fragile and breaks? What are we talking about here?

This issue is called "What Any Man Would Do." Okay! I'm ready to argue about something now! I'm a man and I wouldn't do that! I don't know what that is yet but I'm sure I wouldn't do it! Unless what any man would do is lick a butthole and then I have to say, "Oh, yeah. Any man would do that!" Especially Diana's butthole! If you're a woman and you're heterosexual and you're wondering how a man must feel when he thinks about licking Diana's butthole, just replace Diana with Dick Grayson and you'll see what I mean! Now I've managed to get everybody but the asexuals all hot and bothered with all this butthole licking imagery. I've probably also grossed some people out but those people just don't know what they're missing and haven't learned how to live and probably think they've made a valid life decision by choosing to not lick buttholes! Anyway, who am I to argue with their obstinacy and wrongheadedness?

Maybe I should change the subject before I start asking Lord Google to show me butthole licking images! Oh! I bet that's "What Any Man Would Do!" Search for pornography on the internet! I guess Wonder Woman is about to check Superman's internet search history. I bet his most often tried search entry is "naked pictures of Lois Lane." You know, just in case that ever happens and good old Jonathan Carroll posts them on his Tumblr, Journalistic Douchebag.

I don't know why but I felt this image of Zod should be left here. Seemed pertinent.

Diana has been trying to get Superman to reveal his identity as Clark Kent to the world so that they don't have to hide their relationship. And now that their relationship has been exposed, she still wants him to reveal his identity so that they can be together whenever they want. She kind of has a point. Superman doesn't need his identity in the same way that Batman does. Superman doesn't have any family that he's trying to protect. At this point, he'd just be protecting Clark Kent's friends and acquaintances. But he only has those friends and acquaintances because he insists on being Clark Kent. Drop the secret identity and stop working at the Daily Planet and he shouldn't have anything to worry about. Oh wait. He doesn't even work at the Daily Planet anymore! Besides, the only people that would be threatened would be Jimmy Olsen and Lois Lane. And they already treat Superman as their Get Out of Trouble Free card anyway. They take unnecessary risks in their job because Superman always seems to be around to save them. I don't think much would change if Superman exposed himself. Giggle.

Clark's argument is that he enjoys the difficulty of writing and being a normal person. Right. You know what's not difficult? Being Superman and playing at being a normal person. The safety net really does change everything, Clark.

Back in the Fortress of Solitude, Superman takes out his Phantom Zone lens so Zod can teach him about Doomsday. I'm still unsure about The New 52 history of Doomsday since Superman seems to be unfamiliar with Doomsday in this book but I thought Superman had been killed by him at least once by now. Maybe Superman died from Bird Flu and that's the death and resurrection he was discussing with Alec Holland way back in Swamp Thing #1. Zod also shows Superman that his Menagerie cages are merely Kryptonian Shipping Containers which dissolve when someone says "Default" in Kryptonian.

Where the fuck did Superman get all of his Kryptonian technology? Did he steal it out of The Bottled City of Kandor and have it biggie sized?

Anyway, General Zod shows that the word works on all of the containers equally well and Superman is left to do what any man would do. Not that! Um, something else!

"Faora must be free of the Phantom Zone! I must make her butthole tangible!"

I guess the title applies to Zod as well as Clark. Although it looks like Zod will do anything for love but Superman won't. Now I have to play my iTunes or Meatloaf is going to be stuck in my head. Preemptive earworm strike! "Who Do You Think We Are?" by Alice Cooper will drive Meatloaf away!

Superman is unable to stop Zod from pulling Faora out of the Phantom Zone as "When the Party's Over" by Janis Ian plays in the background.

During this entire struggle, Wonder Woman Narration Boxes about the nature of their relationship and whether she should even care one way or the other if it's hidden or not. I think what it comes down to is Wonder Woman would give everything to save Superman in much the same way that Zod gives everything to save Faora. The question is where does Clark's loyalty lie if he's unwilling to give up his human guise for Diana? Will he sacrifice her for humanity? Will he do what any man would do? Why won't he just get his tongue right up in there? It's not like she uses Kryptonite suppositories.

And another question comes to mind. What would Faora do for Zod? Is she as in to him as he's in to her? Or has she been spending the long, lonely Phantom Zone nights rimjobbing Doomsday? It's a legitimate concern!

The back-up story tells the story of Clark and Cat celebrating their big Superman Loves Wonder Woman scoop. It's mostly a double page spread of Superman and Wonder Woman messing up their underpants as they kiss with a bunch of characters' reactions to their relationship in the background.

They must not have dibs on Krypton.

I usually scan pictures of characters kissing but this shot is more important than the mouth action.

The Man of Steel's penis suddenly pressing against you can't be comfortable. Like running full speed into a piece of rebar sticking out of a concrete wall.

Cat's boyfriend Aaron is an evil genius in the making. He's working on an instant learning machine that downloads whatever you need right into your brain. If you sit in it the correct way. I imagine it does something else if you stick your ass in first.

Lex Luthor reacts to the news in much the same way Batman does. Batman is angry because he always thinks the worst will come of any situation. Luthor is mad because somebody else is fucking his man. Up until now, Superman easily could have been gay and Lex had hope. But now he just has to hope that Superman has found himself an Amazonian beard or else Lex's dreams of a happily ever after have just gone down the prison toilet.

Diana's reaction is to head back to Themyscira to check on her snakes. Clark's reaction is to question why the picture of Superman and Wonder Woman would have been sent to Clark Kent's little blog. That's the kind of question Batman would ask! Oh, and Clark Kent since he's an investigative journalist!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. The Zod stuff was fairly pedestrian and I was ready to not raise the rank of this comic book but then I so enjoyed the back-up story, I changed my mind. And my underpants.