Is this comic book ever going to right itself? Did Brett Booth take a blow to the head recently? Does he not remember the proper orientation of comic books?
This issue begins with a woman delivering mail. It really draws the reader in quickly as the reader wonders, "Will she be able to mail her package on time? Or will her life be forever ruined because the line moves too slowly and she can't get her loan application postmarked by 5:00!?" I suppose that might draw the reader in if the reader wasn't like me and didn't immediately start berating the woman for waiting until the last minute to get her loan application in the mail. She can't blame the people in line in front of her simply because they were better prepared and arrived at a decent time to get their errands done. She can't blame the postal employees even if they drag their feet with each customer because it's her own fault for waiting so long. I suppose if I were kind, I could imagine that she's done everything just as promptly as possible and has still arrived at this moment in time where she must now rely on the speed with which other people live their lives. But I'm not kind at all. I'm a jerk. I'm a huge asshole. Which is why I also can't bring myself to blame Batman and Superman for her failure when they bust every window in the post office while fighting each other, causing the postal employees to flee for their lives as the clock ticks over to 5 PM and the woman misses her deadline.
I won't blame them. But it looks like she will.
Anyway, this situation is just as ridiculous as the one I just proposed because who falls to the ground, angry and defeated about life, stoned on Mongul's Space Fury Pollen, just wanting to kill somebody and thinks, "Oh look. Google Glasses screaming 'Die die die' and 'Kill kill kill' at me. Might as well put them on and see what this is about!" Luckily for her, the glasses allow her to take her rage out on Superman as she now gets to control Nano-Enhanced Robot Batman.
But this woman is not the real villain. No, she is just a minor player in an epic struggle between mankind and the alien hordes that are dying to use mankind's rage to enslave the universe! That plan totally makes a lot of sense. And by "a lot of," I mean none at all. So I probably should have just said "none at all" instead of doing that cliche thing where I change the meaning of the phrase I just uttered just to underline my sarcasm. Now I just feel like a dirty, filthy internet blogger.
These are the butts of the real antagonists.
Although she does declare that the million users all have "millions of unique moves." But I don't know how long-lived Whatsherfuckingname Crystalbones is or how many alien programmers she employs, so I suppose it's possible that she somehow had enough time and manpower to think up one trillion different attacks. I have to admit she's probably a lot smarter than me because I can only come up with Round Kick, Jump Right, Low Punch, Jump Left, Back Kick, Back Round Kick, Jumping Back Kick, Foot Sweep Left, Front Kick, Lunge Punch, Jumping Kick, Low Kick, Foot Sweep Right, Jump, Block, Squat, and Move Forward. And of those, I'd simply continually attempt the "Lunge Punch" or the "Jumping Back Kick." Those always worked well!
Mongul wonders why the humans would continue to try to defeat Superman even as they all begin to realize it's not a game but reality. And Whatsherfuckingname Crystalbones begins blathering all that anti-Superman bullshit that I can't get behind because it paints humanity as a bunch of whining assholes that are more concerned with what others have than what's good in their own lives. I can't get behind humanity being like that. But I might be able to make an exception for Americans.
This is how I walk around Portland. I imagine people screaming at me, "You are not rich! You don't have a fancy handlebar mustache! You are not a DJ! You can't afford retro chic clothing that makes you look poor! You aren't nostalgic enough for last week!" Fuckers.
But stupid Superman saves the console from smashing into the ground because it might just be the only thing keeping Batman alive. Hey, look Superman. Batman's already dead and it's kind of your fault for ignoring Mongul's arrival in Gotham City. I say ignore because there is no way in hell you didn't hear all that space shit go down with your super hearing that you're always bragging about. You're always going on and on about hearing humanity's collective heartbeat speed up or how you can hear Lana Lang on the other side of the world flipping the fuck out. But when Batman needs help? "Oh, sorry! I must have spaced out for a second while you were getting a hole blown in your chest!" Now, I'm not laying all of the blame on you, Clark. Bruce is just as responsible for constantly insisting he doesn't need your help and that he is, in fact, better than you at everything. So now look where all your stupid game playing has gotten you guys? Fighting to the death playing a stupid game! Way to go, assholes.
This comic book should just be titled "Asshole/Big Dick." Maybe it couldn't be named that because that title was already taken by a gay porno mag.
Oh? Now it's 90 million? So I guess it was "literally" one-in-ninety-trillion. Unless the math is different!
Superman decides instead of saving the world at Batman's expense, a better plan is to get killed by Batman so that he can become Nano-Enhanced Robot Superman. Good plan! I can't see anything going wrong with this one! I mean, the only downside to Batman being a Nano-Enhanced Super Robot was that he had no free will and was being controlled by 90 million raging gamerholics!
Oh! That must be Superman's plan! He'll now be controlled by 45 million or more of those gamerholics which will allow Batman to break free of their control and figure out how to save the day because Batman is much better at solving problems that need more than punching to solve them.
Okay, maybe the punching is more exciting.
The trope works and all the raging gamers in the world actually decide to team up and defeat Mongul. I know this ending is bullshit because I play Halo and Call of Duty. In Halo, there's always plenty of people willing to drive their teammates off of a cliff in the Warthog. And in Call of Duty during Hardcore Ricochet where if you kill a teammate with one of your weapons, you die, there will always be at least one asshole going around blowing up his teammate's explosives so that it hurts them and kills the teammate that planted it. Fucking griefers.
Anyway, Mongul is defeated and tossed in the Phantom Zone and everything returns to normal! Hooray! And somehow Batman isn't dead! Yay! I guess the Nano-bots just rebuilt all of his organs so he's not a Nano-Enhanced Super Robot anymore; he's just normal Bruce Wayne, human. I guess. Whatever.
Nice job on consistency, Greg Pak! Fucking up your own themes from the first story arc where Batman trusts the boy to take care of his own problems and Superman doesn't so he interferes with the kid's life and saves him. Basically this is the opposite of that. Now Batman doesn't trust people to save themselves and Superman does. Oh yeah, by "nice job on consistency" I meant the exact opposite!