Friday, January 24, 2014

Earth 2 #19

DC Comics, the first step is admitting you have a problem. It's time to let go of your dependence on the word "unleashed." If you want, I'll allow you to skip straight to Step Nine because y'all got a lot of shit to apologize to the fans for!

Why are you reading this? I didn't invite you! Get the fuck out of here! Are you hoping to hear a secret, sexy tale about how I once masturbated in the employee bathroom of a Kentucky Fried Chicken? Well, um, you aren't going to hear that story because I just made it up! But if I hadn't made it up, I assure you that I washed my hands before getting back to marinating the chicken. But don't try to change the subject! I don't want you reading my New 52 Web Journal anymore! It's off limits to you! I could point you to some other websites that talk about The New 52 but they're probably all Vlogs and those Vloggers are fucking lazy douchebags that just like to run their mouths on camera! I'm a Writer! With a capital "W"! Have you ever noticed how much a capital "W" looks like a bird's beak pointing downward?

Okay. Now that everybody is gone, I definitely feel more comfortable. The pressure is gone! I can go back to boring descriptions of the plot without feeling I need to entertain anyone. I hope none of them noticed I wasn't wearing pants during that last paragraph.

Last issue, Replacement Batman shot Joker in the face. It's okay though! Joker was in stasis so I don't think he felt any pain since pain can only be experienced across time. Also, I don't think anybody was really very worried about Joker's euthanasia and how humanely it was performed. Replacement Batman did not shoot Aquawoman or Jimmy Olsen (aka Accountable!) in the face because he needs their help to defeat Flip The Fuck Out Superman (with Super Genocide Power Action!). It seems like a lot of trouble for a couple of people that don't have any Kryptonite on them.

This is Flip the Fuck Out Superman's first big mistake: leaving the smartest people on Earth 2 alive. Jay Garrick is not one of those people. He's probably the 5,653,000,003rd smartest person on Earth 2. And that's being generous.

As Flip the Fuck Out Superman flies off with his prey, Beguile attacks with an army of Parademons. I'm sure Green Lantern will be able to handle that. Wherever he's gotten off to. But Replacement Batman won't be dealing with it because he's just learned from Flip the Fuck Out Superman's pal Jimmy Olsen that there is an alien within the compound that Replacement Batman should probably get his dick into. That's slang for getting his meat-hooks all up in him.

This is the alien! Also, The World Army has some of the tightest uniforms I've ever seen. That guard's pants are disappearing right up inside her.

Flip the Fuck Out Superman deposits his parcel of smart people (and Jay) on the lawn of the White House in Washington DC (that's the capital of the United States of America for all of you Americans out there reading this). He tells Bedlam that Americans love symbols of power and decides to show them one of his own. So he emasculates America by ripping America's most famous phallus out by the roots.

Just in case some people weren't paying attention to the maniac ripping out huge memorials, a few helpful people in the crowd point it out.

Flip the Fuck Out Superman tells America it is fucked by smashing the phallus down into the White House. He must not be a very good lover because he completely misses the Oval Office. If only Red Tornado had been there to guide him in.

Meanwhile in Monaco or Morocco or whatever, Hawkwoman is probably doing something. And over in The Gotham City That Time Forgot, Big Barda and Scott Free are all up to whatever. I just thought somebody should check in with them!

Down in the alien's apartment (his name is Val! Fuck if I know why I typed that. I'll never remember it and will just wind up calling him something stupid), the alien collapses because meeting Batman is painful? I'm sure it will make more sense when I turn the page. Val is probably a Martian and he's picking up on the fact that Replacement Batman hates fucking Oreo cookies. I mean, he fucking hates them. He doesn't hate sticking his dick into them until he orgasms. He might hate that! I'm just clarifying and not declaring that he hates or loves Oreo cookies in an intimate and erotic way.

Oh, that was my other guess but I figured Earth 2 Krypton, being a representation of The Golden Age of DC Comics, was just full of whitey white-ass white Kryptonians.

Terry Sloan must have decided to keep Val (Val-el! He'll probably become Valor!) locked up in the sub-sub-subiest-sub-basement of them all so that he never absorbed any yellow sunlight and remained a weak little nobody. Replacement Batman had better get that Kryptonite out of there quick then because Val doesn't have any added strength or resistance built up from yellow sun exposure.

Oh! I just realized who Replacement Batman is based on that five o'clock shadow! It's Jon Hamm! Or maybe J'on H'amm if he's martian!

Back in Washington, Flip the Fuck Out Superman gives his press conference. It turns out that Apokolips is circling the cosmic drain and Darkseid needs a new home. He has chosen Earth because of its beautiful, beautiful (if somewhat tiny) chairs. Such glorious chairs to sit upon! Recliners! Bar stools! Love seats! Massage chairs! It will be the dawning of a new age of relaxation! And the humans that are strong will live to work in the fire pits and the chair factories! Churning out fire and chair by the ass-load! And Darkseid will look down upon them all and he will see that it is good.

Bedlam has been left in charge of Sloan and Mister Terrific because they are to build an enormous Boom Tube capable of BOOMING Earth into the space Apokolips currently occupies. That makes sense. Darkseid probably weighs more than the Earth and is harder to relocate.

No wait! I really just realized who Replacement Batman is! It's Alfred Pennyworth! Holy shit that would be my favorite thing in the world. It's probably Dick Grayson though. Or maybe it's Alfred's lover?

Replacement Batman sends Lois Tornado off to the Batcave with Jimmy Olsen and Val. He, Aquawoman, and Kym the World Army Security Guard get a lift from Hawkwoman. I guess she got out of the trouble she was in when we last saw her. Perhaps I was supposed to forget about that since it has been quite a few months now.

The issue finishes on a one page epilogue which basically says, "Don't forget Alan Scott! He's still alive! He'll be back!" As if anybody out there thought he was dead. Still no sign of Big Barda and Mister Miracle though.

Earth 2 #19 Rating: +5 Ranking. I really am glad at the turn this comic book has taken over the last half year or so. It's become less about restarting The Justice Society and more about creating a real alternate Earth with new characters and a mysterious history that we'll get to learn about as more stories are told. I fucking love this shit. Even with the Reboot, DC Comics has too much history wrapped up in New Earth. But Earth 2 is innocent and new and full of wonder and excitement, like a puppy humping a newborn in the ear. I always wanted Mera to be the champion of the Aquaman comic book and now we have Aquawoman on the team (although "Aquawoman" is aquaward to say!). And now Replacement Batman has discovered Replacement Superman! I just love that this series can go in so many different directions. In terms of a "reboot," this now feels like DC's biggest success.

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