Wonder Woman #26

I imagine a high percentage of people on Earth are making this face today.

Since The First Born brought up bowel movements, haven't we all had the occasional one of these moments? Where, for some reason, your waste has decided to hang about the colon for just a day or two longer than it normally would, drying up a bit, getting harder and sharper, adding to its mass with the new waste that's come along the turnpike to wonder what the fucking hold up is? I don't think I really had one of these moments until I went veggie and my body was still getting used to what was going on. I'm sure my body was perplexed that suddenly so much of what I was eating was useful to it. It suddenly had options! Instead of two paths the "nutrients" could go down (fat cells or waste tract), stuff was being parceled out to all points in my body! Sickly cells were lining up to get a bundle of emergency food they'd gone without for thirty years! I occasionally get the hard stool although nothing quite like that first time where I found myself lying on the floor of a friend's bathroom in a fetal position clawing at my anus and wondering if now would be a good time to start asking Jesus for favors. But you know what's been more rare than hard stools? The messy ones! Wiping has mostly become a formality. One or two sheets just to show nothing remained on board and I'm out of there.

Although now that I've basically become a Flexitarian sometime last year, I'm wondering if that will change. Maybe if I add more vodka to my diet, I can really fuck up my bathroom routine! I've probably read over one hundred less books than I normally would have due to the amount of time I don't spend on the toilet now.

Should I talk about the New Year and how weird it is that we arbitrarily pick a point during the Earth's course to mark a beginning and an ending? If it were up to me, I'd have chosen April 3rd. Also, just so I don't even have to think about New Year's Resolutions (I never make them anyway), I decided to give a great big fucking middle finger to the whole idea and promptly went out to buy a package of Oreos to eat all by myself. Unless that's a New Year's Resolution? Defiantly eat more shit! That's actually a pretty good one!

This issue begins with Wesley Willis on a Hell Ride.

But it looks like Cassandra and the Gnolls are going to be joining him on the bus in a second.

You know what I need to learn how to do? Self-promote! Why aren't I trying to make money by reading books? Don't people pay people to read books? I don't mean pay to review them! I just mean pay me by the word! Let me sit in my backyard with piles and piles of books while I rake in the cash! Also, if I can get a bonus for eating Oreos, that would be great too.

I forgot that Wesley Willis was a good friend of Orion's. No wonder Orion took off so quickly to Chernobyl when he heard Milan was in trouble. Orion isn't much help because Cassandra threatens to blow Milan's head off unless he surrenders. But Hermes and Diana and Siracca arrive just behind him. Except above Cassandra's hideout because Hermes apparently can't teleport underground.

Meanwhile back in London, Strife annoys Zola.

Oh! Here's a good New Year's Resolution! Stop writing so much! If I don't have anything to say, don't say anything! Just type enough so that I can remember what was happening from month to month. If I just ignore the fact that other people are reading this blog, I can stop worrying about trying to be entertaining! Maybe I can finish a post in under an hour and then get back to working on writing projects that will actually make me money! I'm almost done with my next project, a book of poetry written by one of my fictional characters and called "The Chicken By the Gate." The book is already written. I just have to do a bunch of drawings and the layout, then decide what kind of paper I want to print it on (low quality, recycled shit that barely looks like it's holding together is my first thought), and then start selling it! Limited signed and numbered! Possibly of such high quality that I might become the next Poet Laureate of the United States!

Okay, so the fight back in Chernobyl! All hellrides are breaking loose so Cassandra just yanks the blindfold from Milan's head so that he can see where the First Born is being kept. Are there flies in Olympus? Can Milan see through the eyes of the Lord of the Flies? Which Olympic God is the God of Flies? Probably War, right? Oh! So that means Milan will see himself seeing himself through Wonder Woman's eyes as he sees himself seeing himself through Wonder Woman's eyes and so on and so forth forever Amen.

Oh good. There are some flies by The First Born. That could have been confusing.

Milan refuses to tell Cassandra where The First Born is. I don't know why he would refuse. The First Born is in the hands of Apollo! I think Apollo, King of the Gods, should be able to keep Cassandra from recovering him. It's too bad Cassandra's voice is fucked up because then she could tell herself where she'll encounter The First Born some time in the future and then just head to that location and wait it out. Although, I suppose with her power, she wouldn't believe herself anyway.

Once Diana realizes what Cassandra wants, she pipes up and says, "Oh! Why didn't you just say so! I just came from Olympus where The First Born was busy sucking Apollo's dick and shining his shoes." Cassandra plants a bomb on Milan and takes off. While Orion and his sled-robot, A4, try to figure out which wire to cut, Milan chastises Diana for putting the lives of others over their feelings.

Well, sorry the fucking fuck! I guess you'll just have to live with feeling useless! As opposed to not feeling useless or anything else at all forever for that matter.

Well now you've made Diana feel useless for saving your life, Milan! What a jerko! And now if the bomb explodes because Orion is too much of a stupid head to disarm it, she's going to live with those being your last words to her ever! And she'll be sad! While you won't have to deal with her sadness because you're splattered all over her face. Just think how much she'll cry due to your brains getting in her eyes. And also after she rinses out her eyes too because you were so mean.

I wish Condor would guest star in this comic book. Has anybody ever created a better, more vibrant character than Condor from Birds of Prey?! *sigh* *heart flutter*

Orion takes Milan to New Genesis where they can do anything with technology. So they'll probably save Milan's life.

When Diana gets back to London, she finds that Zola and Zeke have left because Strife put it into Zola's mind that she was causing the deaths of all of her friends as they tried to protect her. Seems like a stupid move to me. If gods are being killed around her, what chance does she and her baby have of surviving for very long? And when has Wonder Woman ever picked up a note from somebody that didn't want her help (even though they needed her help) and went, "Oh, okay. I guess I should respect this other person's wishes even though they'll probably die!" I mean, she just showed Milan she can't fucking do that! I'm confused though. Is that a weakness or a strength of character?

In the London Underground (Londerground?), Zola meets up with Dionysus. She just thinks it's a person she once met at a bar although she should really know better. I don't think she's met one person that isn't a god since she left Kansas! Or wherever she used to live. Oh well. I guess she'll die next issue and a new story arc will begin! Except Zeke can't die because he's Zeus. Bah, I guess this story will just have to keep going!

Wonder Woman #26 Rating: No change. I'm pretty excited that I only have three more New 52 comics left in my stack from 2013 although, technically, two others came out last week and are still sitting in my comic book box. And I think sixteen more came out yesterday! Geez, DC! Can't you give me a break?!

Oh! I forgot to point out that this cover was a total lie! The First Born never once takes a shit!