The Flash #26

This cover really draws you in because you can't help thinking, "How did The Flash's body get so distorted and mangled?!"

I cooked actual food on Friday night which is not something I do a lot but something I generally feel I'd like to do more of. I've got a vegetarian recipe book with about a thousand recipes in it. Occasionally, I'll take out my gaming dice and randomly pick a recipe to cook. This time I came up with Tamale Pie and my first reaction was, "Great. A recipe where I have to do cooking and baking!" Although in the end, it wasn't very hard at all. Chop an onion. Chop a bell pepper. Cook them up in my wok. Add all the other shit. Throw it in a baking pan. Mix the corn bread topping. Drizzle it on. Throw it in the oven. Eat!

Don't look at my dirty kitchen floor! My business is cleaning floors and I hate to bring my work home with me!

What surprised me the most was that the corn bread topping actually tasted like corn bread! Cooking is magic! But now I have a huge amount of cornmeal sitting around that I probably won't need for any other recipes ever, so I guess I need to make corn bread muffins or something. I should probably do it before the other four eggs in the half dozen I bought go bad because I'll forget I actually have real food in the fridge.

I think the last time I cooked a new recipe was about a year ago. It was Spinach-Rice-Cheese Balls and I documented it in one of my Batgirl commentaries. So at the rate I'm going, I'll work through this recipe book in just over one thousand years! How's that immortality serum coming along, Science?!

So I should probably comment on the dead horse's head sitting on the cover of The Flash this month. Namely, the change in the creative team. Gage and Googe. Is this some kind of a joke? I can't take my Flash comic book seriously if it's written and drawn by the team of Gage and Googe! I was really hoping Manapul and Buccellato would remain tethered to this comic book for a really long time. Fuck their wants and needs and desires, DC! Make them stick with The Flash! Can't you force writers and artists to remain on a book as long as you want? What kind of impotent company are you running over there? Oh yeah. The kind without the sacks to fire Lobdell and Nocenti for failing to perform the duties in their job description. I'm pretty sure their job description is "writing comic books" and that is certainly something they are not doing. Although if "stringing together random phrases" and "ruining fan favorite characters" is actually what they were hired to do, then I apologize for calling them out and accusing them of failing to do their job.

The Flash begins on a positive note because the art falls under the category of "Arousing Tess's Subjective Aesthetic Sense Organs."

I'm easily confused so I like my comic books to look comic booky or else I sometimes begin to think I'm reading a history of past European political conflicts.

This opening page has been partially Lobdelled but I can forgive that because it's this creative team's first book. So if they want to approach it by beginning with The Flash stating who he is, that's cool. Just don't do it every issue after that! Plus, "Lobdelling" the first page actually calls for a full page, static image that bores the fuck out of the reader. And this image isn't boring at all! It's exciting! Look at all the bullet casings flying out of that gun as the woman laughs uproariously at the impending death of her foe! Also, it's educational! The Flash is answering trivia questions for the fanboys that are most assuredly listening to his thoughts as he battles this woman who may or may not go by the name "Spitfire" (according to the cover)! I'm so excited at the possibilities of this comic book that I have man lady-wood! That's an imaginary boner for anybody that needs to know that I'm not actually aroused at reading this comic book because it would have made them queasy to think that I actually had an erection as I was typing this. And even if I did have one, why would I tell you? My body parts are my business!

Spitfire has apparently murdered somebody close to The Flash but he's not letting me know who yet because he wants me to worry about Patty before he finally lets me know that it's his father figure at the police station. She gets away because The Flash can't fly and he apparently can't dodge Spitfire's bullets and still catch up to the plane before it takes off so he has to vibrate through the bullets which causes him to vibrate through the plane as he tries to grab on. Wouldn't it also cause him to vibrate through the ground so he'd lose traction and his feet would sink beneath the surface of the Earth and he'd have no way to get back above ground and if he went solid he'd die so he'd really be fucked? Maybe he's just really good at timing things so he's solid when his feet hit the ground but vibrating when the bullets pass through him and he never allows those two events to occur simultaneously. Which probably means he runs like a total spaz.

It turns out the person Spitfire and her crew hurt was Doctor Carlson. Oh yeah, that was my other guess! That it would be somebody I'd never fucking ever heard of.

Doctor Carlson was also Barry's first big crush although he isn't quite ready to admit that yet because he's still trying to be in love with boring old safe Patty.

Spitfire and her Sky-Gang are stealing deadly pathogens to sell on the Black Market. They probably chose to do their crimes in Central City because The Flash can't follow them into the sky. But they're wrong! The Flash is going to get a lift from the air force! Also, can't he do that tornado thing where he rides funnel clouds into the sky or something? Can't he spin his arms around really fast and act like a helicopter?

Spitfire is just so happy all the time! She's the best.

I hope The Flash can do that helicopter thing with his arms now that the pilot said, "Fuck you, The Flash! I'm outta here!" I suppose Barry will run along the fuselage and leap to Spitfire's plane now. Hopefully nobody will shoot at him so that he has to vibrate through the bullets which will cause him to phase through the plane again. Although I've seen the cover and it doesn't look too good for Barry! Although covers often lie to exaggerate the excitement and to keep the reader guessing. Unless they actually just lie to sell more copies because readers see the cover and think, "Oh my God! Look how fucked up The Flash's body is as he's falling out of that airplane? I wonder if he was caught up in a taffy pulling machine!"

The Flash runs along the clouds because of course! He's a scientist! He knows exactly the right vibrations to vibrate and speeds to move and which numbers to carry when doing the math in his head. He's very good at the technical mumbo-jumbo that's really very boring and not at all as exciting as seeing The Flash run along clouds. Unless you're into science and stuff and then it would be more interesting to see a show that proves how this could theoretically be possible.

This time The Flash is able to time his vibrating and his bullet dodging so that he can remain inside the plane. But he only remains for a few seconds before Spitfire convinces him he should leave.

I bet it's time for the helicopter hands trick!

Barry lands safely, gets the deadly vials to the authorities, and then rushes back out to find Spitfire. Meanwhile Spitfire machine guns her crew and takes off on her rocket-pack with her canister of deadly pathogens. All the while with a great big grin on her face! Are amoral people always this happy? Maybe I should give amorality a chance!

The Flash manages to guide the crashing plane into Walter Payton Memorial Stadium (unless it's still called Soldier Field for some stupid reason. What do soldiers have to do with Football?! I'm surprised it's not called Pizza Hut Park) and still has time to run back and capture Spitfire before she gets away in the greasy as fuck Chicago River.

Well, well. I guess she isn't always grinning like a fucking maniac. Although this look is adorable too.

The Flash #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. This was like an old school comic book with modern sensibilities. A fairly sub-standard villain with a crazy scheme stopped by the hero in a story that begins and ends in a single issue. Plus it does that thing that people say should be done in comic book stories but actually isn't really done as often as it should be where the story gives you a knew perspective on the hero or shows an aspect of the hero you haven't seen before or whatever. You know that old advice that professionals tell amateurs looking to break into the business but usually ignore themselves because they already have the job so they just tell another story where Batman breaks a guy's jaw and Alfred shakes his head and Catwoman sighs. So in this issue, we see how Barry Allen has the intelligence and scientific wherewithal to follow criminals wherever they may go even when they think they've got his chumpy old number! The Flash only good on the ground?! WRONGO, BUTTHOLE! Uh-oh. Now I'm picturing Spitfire's butthole. Excuse me while I take care of something.