Harley Quinn #2

Is this some kind of pet store Hunger Games?

I visit a pet store once a month to clean the floors and it's never been like this. Of course, the cats are kept separate from the dogs and the dogs are kept separate from the parrots and the parrots are kept separate from the fish and the fish are kept separate from the rats and the rats are kept separate from the ferrets and the ferrets are kept separate from the spiders and the spiders are kept separate from the rabbits which are not kept separate from the guinea pigs. So with all of this separation, why are the guinea pigs and bunny rabbits advanced enough to engage in integration? I think it's because they have the same basic temperament. They're kept in a big square open air arena that I call the Panic Pit. Because if just one single creature in that pit feels it's about to die for any fucking Goddamned reason, it scurries to the far corner causing a stampede of fuzzy to follow it into the corner where each little creature attempts to hide under each other little creature. Because as a tiny prey animal, your only hope of survival is the predator's belly full of your friends.

Oh! I made a mix tape for you! Actually, I made it for my cousin but I'm giving it to all of you as well. It's called Revolution 101--Songs to Occupy By. I'm just going to give you the playlist though. You'll have to gather the songs together yourself and put them on a tape and make a cool tape cover and then feel special when it's all done and you pretend I just gave it to you. Here's the playlist:

1. "Who Do You Think We Are?" -- Alice Cooper
2. "Future Boys" -- Electric Six
3. "The Meek Shall Inherit" -- Little Shop of Horrors Soundtrack
4. "I'm Only Sleeping" -- The Beatles
5. "Agenda Suicide" -- The Faint
6. "There's More To Life Than This" -- Björk
7. "Gotta Give the Peeps What They Need" -- Public Enemy
8. "Shame on You" -- Indigo Girls
9. "Paper Planes" -- M.I.A.
10. "The Meaning of Life" -- Monty Python
11. "Performance Art" -- Sifl and Olly
12. "Hazy Shade of Winter" -- The Bangles
13. "Mommy and Daddy" -- The Monkees
14. "The Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead" -- XTC
15. "Walk or Ride" -- The Ditty Bops
16. "Piggies" -- The Beatles
17. "The Fear" -- Lily Allen
18. "A Battle Hymn for Children" -- The Faint
19. "Beautiful Flyaway" -- Alice Cooper
20. "Give a Reason" -- Slayers Soundtrack
21. "The Wild and The Young" -- Quiet Riot
22. "Rainbow Connection" -- Me First and the Gimme Gimmes

This gives a detailed example of my version of revolution. It contains equal hints of apathy, and righteous anger at the status quo's and oppressive institutions' attitudes, and eventual optimism in the strength of the individual to choose their own way. Apathy is very important to revolution. To really change things, you have to not care. Not about your own life, of course! You just don't give a shit about the institution or what the culture or society expects of you. You don't allow assholes to constantly put you in a defensive position. You just do what you believe is right or what you feel makes you comfortable. Live the way you want society to be. Don't live by society's values and try to change things as you're playing the game. Don't fucking play the game. Ignore the game. As the kids probably don't say, "You do you."

I had very explicit reasons for each song I put on the compilation but since those reasons have nothing to do with Harley Quinn, I'll skip them. For now! But I'll probably need something more to talk about in my next commentary! Anyway, on to Harley Quinn!

If you're only interested in what happened in this month's Harley Quinn, start here!

The issue begins with Harley dry humping the Joker Wax Figure in her Museum of Murder!

You know it's not really The Joker because he isn't belittling or smacking Harley. Also, he has his face. Also also, I don't think it was meant to fool anybody. Also also also, also.

Also also also also, the first panel on the next page is an exact representation of my sentence preceding the previous scanned image.

The dark figure in the doorway is Madame Macabre. She runs the House of Murder. And she is probably on the Roller Derby team.

While Harley is out doing some shopping for a fridge to keep the bodies of all the assassins that come after her but wind up dead by mysterious circumstances instead, she passes by a pet adoption agency that murders kittens. They also euthanize puppies but I'm okay with that. Fuck puppies! The only thing they're good for is to warm your feet. But even then, I never know what to do with all the organs I scooped out so that my feet fit snugly inside.

But Harley has a place with one whole floor that's wide open! It can be a pet sanctuary where the mongeese and the cobras and the kittens and the raccoons and the goats run free! She speaks with some of the picketers holding signs that say things like "Catnaps not Dirtnaps" and "Kill People Not Animals." But my favorite sign of them all is "Let us pet them!"

Harley is not allowed to adopt any animals because the lady that runs the place would rather kill them than let Harley crazy love them. It might be because Harley describes herself as a "nuturer." Was she trying to say "nurturer?" Or "neuterer?" Or "nuttier?" Or "Nuttelaer?" It doesn't really matter because she's just so adorable when she says it with her tongue sticking out of the side of her mouth.

Harley decides to call over a friend later that night to help liberate the animals from death row.

Oh! I know what she loves better than plants! Fucking professors for good grades!

Poison Ivy comes for a visit and almost accidentally has sex with Harley due to the word beaver being slang for vagina for some reason. I wonder if Davy Crockett came up with that term? He's the only guy I know that probably ever felt a beaver pelt and a vagina at the same time. Also the only guy to fuck a beaver. So he would know if a beaver and a vagina were practically the same thing.

Once Poison Ivy realizes she's only reliving the stuffed beaver joke from The Naked Gun movies, she turns her concentration on the Great Animal Prison Escape Plan. The Plan winds up working really well and all the animals run free! Right out into the city streets, leaving Harley and Ivy to hunt them down.

I guess one dog was an amputee.

While hunting down the dogs, Harley has a hit-and-run-in with a hit-and-run-man. The guy must be the weakest asshole on the planet because after Harley kicks his ass, she ties him up with sausage links. I'm fairly certain I could tear myself free from sausage links and I'm a weakling! And even if I couldn't, I could eat my way through them. Maybe this hitman is a strict vegan. And he'd rather die at Harley's hands than eat through his meat bindings. He's no hypocrite! Except, well, he seemed to be trying to kill Harley. Is it okay to be vegan and still kill humans? Because fuck humans, right?

Apparently the birds and cats went one way when the animals escaped and the dogs went the other. Seems like the logical thing to do. I don't know what the fucking hamsters did. Probably ran off to bite someone in the thumb and be a total dick about it.

I cannot fathom why someone would buy a hamster over a rat. Fucking hamsters are stupid assholes. Rats are loving and smart and curious. Hamsters are fuzzy piranhas pretending to be cute.

Harley puts all the dogs on the third floor and feeds them the assassin. The kittens get to live in the sink while the birds and cats live wherever the fuck they please. The next morning, Harley awakens to find that Ivy has already left but she didn't go without giving Harley a present. She's turned the entire third floor into a garden and dog park. Danzig comes by with his friend Rodney who is part dog and offers to help Harley fix the place up so the dogs have somewhere to shit other than all over the apartment. And meanwhile, some voyeur that needs to be hand fed watches Harley from a room across the street. Probably one of the old people in the place that Harley applied to work as a counselor.

Harley Quinn #2 Rating: +2 Ranking. This comic is fun and whimsical and it has Pam and Harley hanging out in their underwear. I mean, it has them being adorable friends who just happen to also be completely psychotic. Plus animals that eat hitmen. Who needs refrigeration when you've got a bunch of animals that aren't very picky eaters.