Birds of Prey #26

Hopefully this is the issue in which Uplink becomes a Bird of Prey and changes her name to something bird-like. Then I can level back up to Master Comic Book Reader!

Last issue, we learned how Black Canary became a part of Team 7. We did not learn how Condor somehow got his head caught beneath the wheels of semi-truck. That sounds a bit risqué, doesn't it? Not the entire sentence. Just the phrase "semi-truck." We also did not learn how Condor got his penis caught in the office shredder at the annual Christmas Party. Nor did we learn how Condor suffered from a massive bout of food poisoning and died in a gas station men's room choking on the fumes made by his own asshole. We did not learn how Condor was curb stomped by the Hate Admirers, Gotham's all-singing, all-dancing gang of violent street thugs who don't actually hate anything, they just "love too well." Also, they don't curb stomp him on purpose. He just happens to be passed out in the gutter in the wrong place and the wrong time. Well, wrong if he didn't intend to get curb stomped. We did not learn how Condor broke his neck trying to spend a few quiet minutes auto-fellating himself nor did we learn how he wound up asphyxiating in the belt hanging off the backside of his closet door. We did not learn any of these things that would have allowed me to remember the true meaning of Christmas. Instead I sat broken and weeping in front of a television blaring out God's Good Word on some digital station that was so backwater it needed five decimal places. Weeping because Condor still existed and he was still shitting all over the Birds of Prey comic book.

As far as things that actually happened on paper and not in my mind, Black Canary discovered that she hadn't ever actually gotten her husband Kurt killed and that he was alive and serving Regulus, leader of Basilisk. He didn't know he was serving Regulus though. Kurt was in a medically induced coma blasting his super power on a high frequency and keeping everybody in the area from using their super powers. I wonder if comic book cryogenic chambers have an automated bed pan system or if they just put the occupants in diapers?

Like? Like what? Like every five year old shoved out of the car on their first day of kindergarten?

If Kurt Lance was resurrected using Waller's Samsara project, that means he's going to explode, right? I guess that would mean a shitload of DC Characters would start exploding, beginning with Harley Quinn and Deadshot, so I guess that whole exploding thing is a side effect that doesn't always happen but is a real enough concern to shut down that stupid project which I'll never have to hear about again. Who at DC decided it would be a great idea to give Amanda Waller the power to resurrect people so that the Suicide Squad loses the main reason that makes it one of the few comic books that have ever had any real consequences? That was possibly the worst idea put forth in The New 52. Not even having Scott Lobdell write several books with young characters was as bad as the Samsara editorial decision. I know, I know. Everybody has their own pet peeve about the worst thing DC did in The New 52. But you're all wrong. Emotionally, you might feel right and vindicated in the anger you have against something DC did to whatever character. But on a completely objective and not at all based on my own emotions wrapped up in Ostrander's Suicide Squad being perhaps my favorite non-Vertigo DC book ever, the Samsara Project was the most destructive decision to any of DC's franchises. The Suicide Squad might as well have been renamed The Slightly Inconvenienced Squad.

Meanwhile, Batgirl and Strix have found themselves facing off against Regulus's team of misfits who may or may not have a group name. Possibly they're the New 52 version of The Masters of Disaster. I should probably remember their individual names as well but Zero Year was last month which means I didn't get a quick refresher on the characters in this thing when I reread my Birds of Prey #25 Commentary a few minutes ago. But their names don't matter anyway! The only thing to keep in mind is that nobody can use their super powers. Which puts Strix and Batgirl at a serious advantage over theses Metas. And since a Talon's regenerative ability is Super Science and not a Super Power, she can still get her head cut off with no worries.

Just because look at how stupid he is, I HATE YOU, CONDOR!

Now, I've hated Condor since he was introduced. And my hatred of Condor may or may not have been irrational. He's a scrotal parasite with a really shitty costume and an inexplicable and sudden love of Dinah Lance. This is a comic book with a bunch of characters I don't really fucking care about (thanks to Swierczynski's awful beginning to his series), so maybe I should be happy that I'm just feeling something! But Starling was just a drunk that couldn't aim her gun and would spout off standard one liners. Black Canary has just been confused and lost. Strix is boring and could really use a fucking pad of paper and a Sharpie. Batgirl just drops in on occasion to keep sales up. Hell, Katana was the most interesting part of this team before she wandered off to suck horribly in her own series. And then Condor arrives and he's just worse than every character I'm already not into! So I hated him with a passion so pure that I think I figured out how to sustain a fusion reaction. So sure, I may not have had a very good reason, intellectually, to hate him. Until now.

He's an abusive asshole!

Now, in theory, I'm not against hitting a person just because she's a woman (in reality, I'm against hitting people at all! Although I'm kind of on the fence about dogs). This is a comic book and Tsiklon is a bad guy and Condor and the Birds of Prey are trying to stop the "bad guys" from whatever crazy terrorist plot they're hatching which began with kidnapping Black Canary and Condor. Heroes and Villains hit each other all the time in comic books. It's a thing. It's a staple of the genre. It happens. But that isn't what's happening here at all! Forget that Tsiklon lost her powers so now it is just a big man punching a woman. Still acceptable in comic book terms! Maybe not appetizing but acceptable. So why is this abuse rather than just comic book violence? First off, he uses her real name. Secondly, she says he would never hit a woman and he agrees. But then he hits her and says that he'll make an exception for her. He isn't hitting her because he's stopping a villain or saving the day. He's punching her because of their past relationship and their history together. He's found it acceptable to punch her in the face because of how he perceived she treated him in their relationship. This is abuse. Condor, as I've stated before, is a fucking jerko.

Hmm, I wonder if "jerko" wasn't harsh enough?

Meanwhile Black Canary pulls the plug on Kurt Lance. It doesn't kill him though, it just wakes him up to incredible pain. Also, he reverses his power! Now nobody can use their power not because they've lost it but because they've lost all control over their powers. They've just gotten a shot of Five Hour Kurt Lance Drink. Main ingredient: semen.

That's what she said!

I wonder if the people that went around constantly saying "That's what she said" due to Wayne's World were disgruntled by the surge in popularity of the phrase with people saying "That's what she said" due to Michael Scott from The Office being one of those people that constantly went around saying "That's what she said" due to Wayne's World?

With everyone's powers out of control, Batgirl and Strix are still the ones with the advantage! Everybody kind of takes themselves out of the fight when their powers go wild, leaving Batgirl and Strix to continue searching for Black Canary. But Black Canary is trying her hardest not to scream everybody into oblivion. I bet the only way to stop her is to shove some indestructible thing into her mouth to block her from screaming!

Dammit. Now I can't get the image of Strix straddling Dinah's face.

Or maybe that won't have to happen. Dammit. Apparently Dinah can still control her powers better than the others.

So what's the difference between blowing somebody up into the sky with her voice and simply making their head explode? The pitch? The tone? Screaming from the diaphragm?

"Why do we always come here? I guess we'll never know! It's like a kind of torture to have to watch the show!"

That was going through my head while scanning the previous panel so I had to vomit it out through my fingers and into your brain.

Batgirl climbs through the hole conveniently made by Regulus to find Black Canary and knock her unconscious with a Sleeper Hold. And it's absolutely perfect!

Batgirl hooks Kurt Lance back up to the medical equipment because she's an expert having been in a hospital for so long after she broke her back in that hilarious skiing accident. I guess everybody loses their powers once Kurt is hooked back up to the machines. Luckily none of them plummet to their deaths because they were flying too high. I think. I'm pretty sure nobody is going to die. Even stupid flying characters like Condor or Condor.

Although Condor can still fly because he saves Strix from plummeting down a mountain when she tackles Regulus off of the tower. He falls down into the mist and, presumably, to not his death. But Condor flies Strix back to safety because either Batgirl hooked Kurt up to the medical equipment wrong or Condor can glide with his stupid purple costume and not just fly with his telekinesis.

Oh wait! The last page explains it!

Ha ha! In your heartbroken face, Condor!

Birds of Prey #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue was better than most. I'm still not a fan of this team since I can't pinpoint any reason for the team to exist. What is Black Canary trying to accomplish? Did she just form the team because that's what you do when you have a super power? And even though Condor didn't die, I was happy to see his stupid heart get hurt! Ha ha! I think I've called too many things "stupid" during this commentary. But I can't help it! I'm being unduly influenced by my hatred for Condor!

P.S. Do postscripts apply to written pieces like this?

P.P.S. I hope next issue Uplink comes out of the shadows to seek asylum with the Birds before they head back to Gotham. I suppose they still need a ride home. Perhaps the Convenient Man is lurking behind the medical machinery to offer them a jet ride back to Gotham and Batgirl's Batcycle. I wonder if Barbara refers to her menstrual cycle as her Batcycle? I wonder if Batman refers to his semen as his Batgoo? As in, "Sorry I got Batgoo all over your Catsuit, Catwoman." Or, "Hey Alfred, can you get the Batgoo stains out of the inside of my Batsuit? I had a tussle with Poison Ivy and she pulled that move where she clamps her thighs down over my face. I mean, normally I wouldn't find that sexual in the least! But she filled me with Plant Pheromones or something."