Saturday, January 25, 2014

Justice League of America #11

Oh no. It is Clayface. Look out Martian Manhunter. You are about to be mildly inconvenienced.

The issue begins with a recap of recent events by Martian Manhunter but since I don't like any of the recent events in Justice League of America, I won't be discussing them. Instead, how about a fight between Martian Manhunter and Clayface? That should last two panels.

Except J'onn can't seem to utilize any of his 15,000 different powers, so he's choked into unconsciousness where he has a vision. You know what? That doesn't really end on a strong joke, does it? More of a half-assed observation. Perhaps I should make it funny by adding a stupid word: BAZINGA! Ha ha! Oh yeah. Tears in the eyes now.

Martians do not need nipples because they feed their babies Oreo cookies.

Stargirl comes back from wasting time trying to save her stupid family to save J'onn J'onzz because she realized that he and the Justice League of America are her real family. Mostly because her step father's former career as an adult sidekick to a child super-hero embarrasses the hell out of her. Way to pick a real winner, mom! That was probably what Stargirl was thinking and not something which I've ever thought ever in my lifetime at all. Especially when my mom was dating that guy that kind of looked like Doug Henning and could do card tricks and had an orange van with an airbrushed scene of a glorious sunset on it. I wonder if I'd think that guy was as cool now as I did when I was six?

That's not cool, Stargirl. He can't help the way he looks. Oh wait. He's practically the only person in the world that can! Never mind.

Isn't anybody else curious about Clayface's biology? Let's pretend that his magic shapeshifter Native American clay keeps him alive somehow. Fine. Dandy. But how does he see? How does he compute thoughts? Digest? Speak for fucking mother's sake! I suppose, even though I really don't want to suppose this, that if I'm already pretending that magic is doing one thing, I might as well account for magic doing it all! I'm just trying to be extra cautious because I don't want my ability to suspend disbelief splitting into my daily life! Because the next thing you know, I'll be believing in God.

That is so uncalled for. He is not a monster! He's a human being! I think Skylar Merrick said that first. You know, before suffocating himself because he got tired of good looking assholes asking, "What are? 'Elephant Man'?!"

With that final insult, Stargirl breaks Clayface, turning him into a crying lump of tear-soaked clay. Martian Manhunter watches and thinks (no, he doesn't actually "think." He Narration Boxes but whatever. Stupid modern comic book conventions that don't really fucking know how to appropriately make a character think anymore and instead allow them to act as an omniscient narrator) about how this is the first time he's seen Stargirl take control and earn her place in the squad. Of course it's the first time you've seen it! Usually Amanda Waller just forces her to stay in her room when the team goes on missions! Plus, you're a fucking telepath so you probably should have known she had this in her.

As Stargirl helps up J'onn, she continues with her insults!

Why you gotta fucking pick on his appearance now?!

Now that Stargirl has saved (and insulted) J'onn, she offers to fly him wherever he needs to go to begin looking for Firestorm but she's going to Los Angeles to find her family. Also, she tempts J'onn with pigging out on cookies! Maybe she'll be his gateway into the orgiastic land of the Oreos! Also, Despero begins to follow them. Man-Bat too but he sucks and hopefully he just got a stupid cameo and stays out of the plot.

As they fly to Denver, J'onn insults Stargirl's entire generation, so maybe he deserves to be called weird looking. But he does keep it to himself, so at least he has a little bit of tact even if he's looking down his nose at the youngsters all around him as lazy, selfish bastards.

In Denver, Stargirl battles a monster robot while she remembers the sadness at the pit of her perkiness. But she's also noticing something weird about their exploits in Denver. And Despero is there and muttering about how they're breaking away from the template. Why am I even bothering with this comic book?! Everything in it since Forever Evil has just been a mindfuck! The JLA is basically on hiatus until they're ready for their part in the story. So now are Stargirl and J'onn really traveling west? Are they trapped somewhere in the thrall of Despero and only believe they're traveling? Who can tell? I certainly can't!

I'm just going to sit back and finish this comic book now so that I can stop speculating on nonsense that probably isn't even really happening! Maybe I'll eat a cookie too.

Oh well, there were only a couple of pages left. The issue ends with Despero kicking Martian Manhunter out of the sky and declaring him dead before drowning Stargirl and fleeing the scene. Stargirl is still conscious when Despero leaves and J'onn is by no means dead just because Despero put his feet in his back. So Despero is either way too confident in his powers or he's just distracting them so they don't realize that they're still in The Matrix.

Justice League of America #11 Rating: No change. Fuck you, DC. I suppose I should be grateful that you aren't charging $3.99 for every single one of your comics. But I'm not happy that your $2.99 comic books are only 20 pages and I'm certainly not excited that your shiny covered $3.99 comic books now only have 22 pages. Look, I don't want to say this next thing but you've really driven me to shouting junior high school witticisms here: Suck my fucking cock you cock monkeys! Okay. I feel better now. Can Justice League of America actually come out and play soon?

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