Catwoman #26

Yay! Ann Nocenti is back!

My comic book store has a big binder full of the migraine-inducing Villains Month cover comic books sitting on a shelf opposite the cash register. So I was flipping through it to see how much they've stickered the first printings for and most of them were five dollars which I guess is understandable since they ruin your eyesight and were originally four dollars so that's not a huge mark up. But Joker's Daughter #1? Twenty five dollars. Twenty five dollars?! Wait, wait. I don't think you read that correctly. Let me try again.

TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS!!!

I won't get into the economics of supply and demand or the philosophical question pertaining to people's seeming need for that piece of shit comic book. But I would like you to consider this: imagine paying that much money for this book because you love The Joker's Daughter so much that you have to have every appearance by her, and then getting home, crawling into your sexy pajamas, pouring a nice hot cup of cocoa (three parts vodka), sighing comfortably, and preparing to enjoy a nice quiet read with one of your favorite characters. Doesn't that sound nice? Now imagine getting shot in the face with a shotgun full of dog shit as you open up the comic book. Is that worth the money to you? I wouldn't pay anything more then eight dollars for that.

Because of Zero Year, I don't quite remember what was going on in this comic book. I think Catwoman and Ugly Cat were about to drown while Princess Cupcakes teamed up with The Joker's Daughter to rule the Gotham Underworld. Also Rat-tails (woo woo!) was found safe and safer. Now on with the story! The really, shitty, fucked-up story that only stupid and ignorant people like. If you don't like my objective description of people that enjoy Ann Nocenti's writing, you can accept my sincere apology. Seriously. Sorry about that.

This issue begins as if Issue #25 was actually written and scripted by Nocenti but got bumped for Zero Year and Ann Nocenti forgot to move the script up to Issue #26! Because last issue ended with Princess Winterbucks and The Joker's Daughter being best friends! But then something happened in the interim! Something horrible! Something terrible! Something...something...

Nonsensical.

So Princess Betterlocks's super power is to shoot wax out of her orifices? Is that what happened? I'm confused. At least I knew going into reading an Ann Nocenti comic book that I would be confused, so I'm not confused as to why I'm confused.

Also, this issue is called "Diamonds are a girl's worst friend." Get it? GET IT?!

I think this opening page is Ann Nocenti trying to explain herself to her readers. Her writing is no more than champagne bubbles and pretty, deadly fish. Makes sense to me!

Catwoman and Ugly Cat who were drowning last issue wind up being dropped into Rock Bottom by the torrent of water. I don't know where all the water goes though. I guess it is blasted into steam when it hits the ground. Catwoman lands on her neck and manages to keep cracking wise. It's good that she can so often be nearly killed and not fucking mind one bit. Ugly Cat takes the same spill and he's fine. Neither of them land on their feet though. Fuck, Nocenti! You can't even get that right! It's a scientifically verified fact that cats always land on their feet because their nine lives are filled with helium and stored along their spine!

As I read more of this tripe, I discover that the water cooled down the lava pit that Catwoman otherwise would have fallen into which is why it must have all steamed away. Plus there are lots of diamonds which Catwoman can't take because she has no pockets in her costume.

Ann Nocenti really has been playing a lot of Minecraft lately, hasn't she?

Meanwhile above ground, Alice Tesla did not die in the explosion she stupidly caused but is now deciding to blame on whatever happened underground.

Yes, I'm sure whoever found Catwoman's Bracelet knows the name of the person on the other end of the communicator.

Alice Tesla's Narration Boxing makes no sense at all. "Nobody believed anybody. The plumbers were called to fix shit but it was over by then. Only I know what really happened!" Nocenti likes to string phrases and sentences together as if they make some kind of logical sense, one from the other. That's part of writing like Ann Nocenti. You have to be confident in your use of stringing together non sequitors so that the reader just keeps chugging along, believing they just read something that makes sense but forever living with a nagging doubt in the back of their mind that will eventually lead to madness.

Also, Alice Tesla is unaware of all of that other shit going on. But she'll still comment on it as if she's telling a story about stick figures painted on a cave wall to a lone man that appeared out of the desert.

By a cosmic coincidence (these things happen all the time in comic books!), Catwoman just happened to fall on a cache of explosive diamonds and Alice Tesla knows the Power Chord to set them off. The Power Chord is "WOOAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Now Catwoman has a plan to blow up the underground which shouldn't have any effect on Gotham Normalground at all. Plus Rat-Tail also did not drown and has arrived to help Catwoman rig the place to blow up.

I'm just five pages into Catwoman #26 and I'm already burnt out! This shit is hard shit to read and shit!

Princess Taserblox has returned to her father to scold him for releasing a fireball onto the Nethers. Did that happen in Issue #24? Or is that part of what should have happened in Issue #25? Oh, I don't care! It's not like I'm going to dig out Issue #24 and reread it! I'd sooner rub jalapeño juice into my belly button. But I do learn that Princess Cummerbund does shoot wax out of her orifices! She covered The Joker's Daughter in wax so that she would survive the fireball that engulfed them. And she survived because the wax can't melt unless it has a wick in it!

What happened to Cake's eye? I'm really suspecting somebody skipped an issue! Either that or my mind simply refuses to retain anything written by Ann Nocenti.

Catwoman and Rat-Tail stick a bunch of diamonds in the ceiling of Rock Bottom and Catwoman rushes off to set a time in the Nethers to flood the place. It's all part of a complicated plan to destroy the homes of a bunch of people who weren't bothering Catwoman or Gotham City. Sure, now they've been talking about biological warfare and turning Gotham into a volcano but they were so busy bickering and running diplomatic marriage scams before Catwoman showed up that they were never going to get around to fucking up Gotham City. Besides, Batman would take care of it when it came to that.

And even though most of Nocenti's crap is confusing garbage with plot points that change willy-nilly, I can still forgive her for most of it. She's trying to forge her own path in this comic book! Do things that haven't been done before! Make waves! She's just doing her best. But she's continually been doing one thing that I can't forgive her for. Ever. Never ever.

Catwoman hating on a cat because it's ugly.

Besides, it's not even ugly! Scruffy, maybe! But it's not ugly like those cats with wide set eyes and smooshed in faces! Those cats are ugly! But even then, I still love them and want to eat them up and cuddle them! Of course, I'll be saying, "Who's an ugly boy? Who's an ugly girl? Who's an ugly *checks under tail* castrato!? YOU ARE! YOOOOOUUU ARE!"

I still think Catwoman believes she's writing Catwo-Man and she's too embarrassed to admit she doesn't know what a "Catwo" is. I've said that before and I'll probably say it again! It's the best hypothesis I have for why Nocenti is completely screwing up this job!

And speaking of fucking up characters, here's another!

He's a survivalist. That's what they do. They survive. But now he'd rather die than survive by any means? He just threw his whole fucking life out the window. For what? Revenge? It just goes to show that Nocenti's characters serve the plot instead of the other way around. You know, the way it should be. The characters should drive the narrative.

Catwoman and Warhog talk past each other for a few panels and ultimately decide to work together. I think. It's hard to interpret when they're having two separate conversations. Anyway, Warhog is going to go delay Doctor Phosphorus while Catwoman rigs the Nethers to flood the place. This comic book is halfway over and The Joker's Daughter, prominently displayed on the cover, is barely a part of the story.

And just as I open my big mouth, Catwoman comes upon The Joker's Daughter and frees her from the wax. Why? Because why wouldn't you trust some crazy woman who worships The Joker and wears his face? She'll obviously join you in your plan to destroy the Underground which she wants to rule, right?

Wrong. Did I have to say wrong? You all knew it was wrong, right?

The Joker's Daughter attacks Catwoman and almost burns a grin into her face before Catwoman finds Duela's weakness!

Her testicles?

Judging by my writing ability, I'm fairly certain I have a juvenile, pathetic weakness as well.

Actually, it's The Ugly Cat whom Catwoman believes nobody could ever love. She threatens its life to get The Joker's Daughter to help her. What a fucking jerk! I hate you, Catwoman! You don't deserve the name!

Meanwhile at the big sock hop, Warhog can stand up to Doctor Phosphorus because he's immune to his fireballs. No, wait. He's immune to his "toxic fireballs." But wouldn't he not be immune to the incredible heat generated by the fireballs? How could Ann Nocenti miss such a crucial detail as this?!

Then some other shit happens and Catwoman's trap is set off and everyone is buried and images and hands and whips and shit and it's over somehow. And then the epilogue happens. This epilogue had better end with Catwoman apologizing to Ugly Cat and living happily ever after with it! I might forgive Nocenti if that happens!

That doesn't happen. The epilogue is eight separate panels concluding the stories of all the various characters plus three bonus panels for that "The End?" with a question mark feeling. Let's go over them, shall we?

Panel One: A raven flies off with one of Doctor Phosphorus's Gembombs. Big fucking deal. That just steals the thunder of the final "The End?" triptych!

Panel Two and Three: Doctor Phosphorus mourns his dead daughter, Princess Clambake. Cake mourns his dead father, Warhog. I guess that means the families can now only be joined in marriage if Doctor Phosphorus marries Cake.

Panel Four: The idiots in the bunker realize they've been locked in with no women. They say, "Without women there will be no children. We didn't build a safehouse, we built a trap. We're all going to die." You guys do know that even with women, you'll eventually die, right? Or do you have science chemicals to turn children into longevity serums?

Panel Five: The Joker's Daughter grins evilly under the Narration Boxes about not having any women. Oh! Oh! She has a tribe of women! Maybe they can work out a deal if they open up their bunker! I'm sure they'll consider it after every corner of the bunker is a yellow-stained crusty mess.

Panel Six: Ugly Cat says, "RROOOOO." I guess that means Ugly Cat will be back to scratch out Catwoman's eyes for being such a jerko!

Panel Seven: Oh wait. This one is too good. Let me scan it.

"Thanks for going through a shit-ton of fucking trouble to save my life, Catwoman! Thanks for seeming to really care about me a lot, possibly becoming my friend after it's all over. Bye! Bye Catwoman! See you around sometimes probably never fuck you get out!"

Panel Eight: Alice Tesla once again proves she doesn't actually know what the fuck she's doing as she says everybody is safe from the exploding gems. Then that "The End?" thing occurs as Alice assures Catwoman that the right Power Chord will never again be hit ever in a bajillion years. The final panel is a fat lady singing because Ann Nocenti couldn't help herself and the audience member watching the singer says, "Is that the end?" I fucking hope so!

Catwoman #26 Rating: -2 Ranking. This book is just awful. The end?