How come as soon as Charles Soule took over this book, every issue feels slightly pornographic?
Alec Holland actually decides to make an appearance this issue as he hangs about in The Green with his new BFF, The Wolf. The Wolf was an Avatar of the Green from 1754 to 1787 and not a Country Music Station like you probably assumed. It is a bit weird that you would assume that since this is a Swamp Thing comic book! Stupid weirdo. I'm Tumblr judging you! That's where I get to feel real pride in calling you out and pointing out all of your flaws because you did something that I was able to purposefully misunderstand in such a way that makes you seem like a complete asshole and makes me feel better and seem way more enlightened than you. But it's your own fault for allowing me to pretend that you thought something incredibly stupid! You really should know better.
In the Tumblr Perfect World, facetiousness would be the world's greatest crime. Which might just make me the rough beast slouching toward Tumblr. Don't worry, Tumblr. Facetiousness is also the greatest crime in the Hipster Perfect World. In both cases, most things must be taken very seriously. Sure, you can act whimsically and silly when it comes to fandoms and facial hair. Although you can't be mean when discussing other people's fandoms and you have to be overly intellectual when discussing popular culture. Also, you have to love and accept everyone, and you must hate and ridicule everything. You must overly care about all of your Followers, and you must remain dispassionate and unmoved by everyone not in your clique. I'm talking about Tumblr Perfect World in the first halves of those sentences and Hipster Perfect World in the second halves of those sentences. I probably could have made that more clear by doing it differently. But why should I bother clarifying anything to you?! You thought The Wolf was a Country Music Station!
The Wolf is currently busy trying to distract Alec from his thoughts of revenge against Woodrue.
No, they're not women. They're plants.
Alec Holland is desperate to find a way out of The Green. Probably as desperate as I am to delete the comments I made above before anybody takes them the wrong way! Maybe I should just remove the header to my blog and replace it with the definition of facetious. Oh, who am I kidding? Comic books aren't serious! Nobody expects me to be serious about anything I write about, right? If you're reading this for intense treatises on improving the human condition then you probably should take a deeper look into your choices and how they brought you to this place! In much the same way that Alec Holland is doing now as The Wolf takes him to meet a resident of The Green that has tried to escape before.
Ah! Lady Weeds! I have not been this horny for a plant since my freshman year of college.
Oh. The riddle was easier than I expected!
Actually, he and Lady Weeds have to battle all five members of the Parliament of Trees to the death so that they can escape back to Earth. Alec seems up for it which is weird since he refused to kill just one guy (Jason Woodrue!) to maintain his job as Avatar of the Green and now he's willing to kill five ancient beings to get back to Earth? I guess they have screwed with his life on multiple occasions. Alec probably has a few bitter resentments rattling away in his brain.
Alec easily defeats the Parliament because they'd been sitting for so long that their arms and legs were asleep and they were a bit foggy waking up to being killed. But Lady Weeds gets her sexy butt cut off so that she can't follow Alec when he heads back to Earth. He blocks off the access route so she can't follow because he's an asshole and he doesn't want the prettiest plant in existence to have too many guest appearances in his comic book. So it serves him right when he arrives back on Earth but finds he can only manifest as a tree. So he lures Jason Woodrue to him so that he can steal his Avatarness.
Alec is the worst Champion of Plants ever. He doesn't mind killing the Parliament but he's got to save fucking Woodrue.
When he's finished with his coup, Alec is left standing around a bunch of naked bodies.
Is that Lady Weeds? And The Wolf? And the other guy? Or are they just corpses that were disposed of in the swamp by some serial killer?!