Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Swamp Thing #27

How come as soon as Charles Soule took over this book, every issue feels slightly pornographic?

Last issue, the part of Swamp Thing was played by Jason Woodrue. The part of the Omniscient Narrator was played by Alec Holland. The part of the long-lived French woman seeking sanctuary was played by a cup of coffee. The part of the Avatar of the Red was played by Maxine Baker's understudy, Buddy Baker. This issue, I don't know what the fuck happens because I haven't read it yet. But it looks like I might need to mention who plays the part of Alec Holland's penis next time.

Alec Holland actually decides to make an appearance this issue as he hangs about in The Green with his new BFF, The Wolf. The Wolf was an Avatar of the Green from 1754 to 1787 and not a Country Music Station like you probably assumed. It is a bit weird that you would assume that since this is a Swamp Thing comic book! Stupid weirdo. I'm Tumblr judging you! That's where I get to feel real pride in calling you out and pointing out all of your flaws because you did something that I was able to purposefully misunderstand in such a way that makes you seem like a complete asshole and makes me feel better and seem way more enlightened than you. But it's your own fault for allowing me to pretend that you thought something incredibly stupid! You really should know better.

In the Tumblr Perfect World, facetiousness would be the world's greatest crime. Which might just make me the rough beast slouching toward Tumblr. Don't worry, Tumblr. Facetiousness is also the greatest crime in the Hipster Perfect World. In both cases, most things must be taken very seriously. Sure, you can act whimsically and silly when it comes to fandoms and facial hair. Although you can't be mean when discussing other people's fandoms and you have to be overly intellectual when discussing popular culture. Also, you have to love and accept everyone, and you must hate and ridicule everything. You must overly care about all of your Followers, and you must remain dispassionate and unmoved by everyone not in your clique. I'm talking about Tumblr Perfect World in the first halves of those sentences and Hipster Perfect World in the second halves of those sentences. I probably could have made that more clear by doing it differently. But why should I bother clarifying anything to you?! You thought The Wolf was a Country Music Station!

The Wolf is currently busy trying to distract Alec from his thoughts of revenge against Woodrue.

No, they're not women. They're plants.

This issue has a new advertisement for the television show Arrow and I have just one question: Does anybody in that show ever wear a shirt?

Alec Holland is desperate to find a way out of The Green. Probably as desperate as I am to delete the comments I made above before anybody takes them the wrong way! Maybe I should just remove the header to my blog and replace it with the definition of facetious. Oh, who am I kidding? Comic books aren't serious! Nobody expects me to be serious about anything I write about, right? If you're reading this for intense treatises on improving the human condition then you probably should take a deeper look into your choices and how they brought you to this place! In much the same way that Alec Holland is doing now as The Wolf takes him to meet a resident of The Green that has tried to escape before.

Ah! Lady Weeds! I have not been this horny for a plant since my freshman year of college.

Lady Weeds acts just like Shado from Green Arrow #27. Alec needs information about how to get back to Earth and instead of telling him, she decides to be mysterious for the sake of being mysterious. She tells him he already knows. Alec reacts in exactly the same way Oliver reacted. He's a bit pissy at such a fucking dick answer. But at least Lady Weeds offers a hint to Swamp Thing that he can understand. But neither of them mention the place where The Green "pokes right through the skin of the world." Is it where the Parliament of Trees stand in the bayous of Louisiana? Maybe it's in the Fertile Crescent! Or deep within the Amazon? That's all of my guesses because I don't know anything about nature or natural places. I like to hide from the world inside man-made structures and pretend that reality isn't an objective thing that exists when I'm not taking part in it.

Oh. The riddle was easier than I expected!

I guess now Alec Holland just has to get naked and climb up their heads and into their thought rivers! Easy peasy!

Actually, he and Lady Weeds have to battle all five members of the Parliament of Trees to the death so that they can escape back to Earth. Alec seems up for it which is weird since he refused to kill just one guy (Jason Woodrue!) to maintain his job as Avatar of the Green and now he's willing to kill five ancient beings to get back to Earth? I guess they have screwed with his life on multiple occasions. Alec probably has a few bitter resentments rattling away in his brain.

Alec easily defeats the Parliament because they'd been sitting for so long that their arms and legs were asleep and they were a bit foggy waking up to being killed. But Lady Weeds gets her sexy butt cut off so that she can't follow Alec when he heads back to Earth. He blocks off the access route so she can't follow because he's an asshole and he doesn't want the prettiest plant in existence to have too many guest appearances in his comic book. So it serves him right when he arrives back on Earth but finds he can only manifest as a tree. So he lures Jason Woodrue to him so that he can steal his Avatarness.

Alec is the worst Champion of Plants ever. He doesn't mind killing the Parliament but he's got to save fucking Woodrue.

Alec uses Woodrue's power to make The Green bloom across all the oceans, making the Earth a big green ball for a brief amount of time. In that time, he demands to be made the Avatar once again and The Green, seeing his power and resolve, relents. Woodrue is left to die but Alec sends him into The Green to keep him alive. Alec also sends the Parliament (which he only humiliated and didn't actually kill, I guess) into dormancy. They are put to sleep so that they will never again interfere with his job. All that is left is Alec Holland and The Green. And of course the enemies he's made inside The Green, Lady Weeds and Jason Woodrue. Also that Country Music Station. And probably a whole bunch of others.

When he's finished with his coup, Alec is left standing around a bunch of naked bodies.

Is that Lady Weeds? And The Wolf? And the other guy? Or are they just corpses that were disposed of in the swamp by some serial killer?!

Swamp Thing #27 Rating: No change. Charles Soule made a major blunder this issue! He showed me too much of Lady Weeds and now fuck it if I don't want Lady Weeds as the main Swamp Thing! Fuck Alec Holland! He had his turn and he fucked it all up. Multiple times! Give Lady Weeds a chance!

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