Action Comics #27

Aww! Is Ukur the Beast Lord looking for his widdle Monster Son?

Glancing over at my bookshelf, I'd forgotten that I have this book:

It was stacked flat on top of a bunch of Sandman Books and Alan Moore trades, lying between House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski and Ring by Koji Suzuki. It was given to me by my friend Mark in Seattle quite a few years ago. I don't remember why. We were both probably very drunk at the time. Here's a picture of the back cover:

I really wish he were holding it with the back cover showing so we could get some infinite recursion going on right in front of his pee pee!

Oh wait! This is cute. This is the cover of the book without the dust jacket.

It's a very interesting book if you like reading about ding-a-lings. And it has lots of great facts like the farthest medically recorded ejaculation was 23.5 inches! I should measure from my penis to my eyeball to see if I have that beat because I'm fairly certain I've hit myself in the eye on occasion while masturbating! That's got to be about two feet, right? I should invite a doctor over to witness my display sometime!

Here's another good one. If you've recently read Genesis, it'll sound familiar. "When taking an oath, our biblical ancestors would place their hands over the testicles of a witness to indicate their sincerity and honesty. Words like "testify" and "testament" all derive from this unique association." Abraham and his descendants go all over the place cupping each others bollocks. And yet nobody runs around shouting that that tradition should be upheld! Fucking hypocrites!

One last picture before I finish reading the Penis Book and actually open up Action Comics #27.

I usually just say masturbation every time I bring it up in my commentaries! I'm so unimaginative!

If you're into books with pictures of cocks that you can leave on your bookshelf in plain view for anybody to see, I highly recommend The Penis Book. It's funny, entertaining, and full of enlightening facts about a guy's constant companion that he probably doesn't really know all that much about. Mostly guys just know where they like to stick it and they stop caring about anything else. Anyway, that's Tess Ate Chai Tea's Book Review Corner!

So Action Comics begins with Clark Kent remembering when he was seven years old and about to fling himself out of a tree because he believes that he can fly. Now, he hasn't had that moment yet where he hovers in mid-air yet, so I don't think he has any real reason to believe that he can fly except for the fact that he knows he won't die when he falls fifty feet and lands awkwardly on his neck. So why not give it a fucking go, right? Plus, he just recently nearly toasted his father with his heat vision. And if you suddenly find that your eyes fire lasers, flying should be a piece of fucking cake, right? But before he throws himself out of the tree for the fourth time in a row, his super-hearing kicks in and he hears Ma and Pa Kent talking about him.

Pa Kent: "He's a little freak, Martha!"
Ma Kent: "Don't say that, Johnny! He's beautiful!"
Pa Kent: "But he ain't human! He's hungry and he's desperate to get his fill!"
Ma Kent: "*giggle* Johnny! Stop it! What if Clark hears?!"
Pa Kent: "Oh, he's out throwing himself out of the tree. We've got time! Now come on! Kiss the little one-eyed freak!"
Ma Kent: "Okay. But I've got my own little drooling alien that's hungry too. And mine's a cannibal! It's going to feast on your freak!"
Pa Kent: "Why Martha Kent! You seductress you! Come here!"
Ma and Pa Kent: *lots and lots of sex noises*
Clark Kent: "Make it stop! For the love of God, how do I stop hearing!?"

After hearing his parents fuck long and hard, Clark finds it difficult to be around them.

Do they explain that not all babies come from outer space in a rocket ship?

Clark is having this memory because he currently has a little dragon boy in a giant cake dish curled up around Superman's cape. The little dragon boy keeps calling Superman stupid in Japanese. It seems to be the only word the kid knows. Or it just recognizes that Superman is actually that nerdy loser Clark Kent.

No, that's your name, stupid! He kind of looks a bit like Teen Titans Cartoon Beast Boy, doesn't he?

The Dragon Boy escapes and begins running around touching all of Clark's stuff. The only thing he ever says is "baka" which should make Superman question whether or not he was correct that the boy is speaking a language. Usually when somebody is speaking another language, they have more than one word for things. But everything is a "baka" to this kid! Maybe his language only has two words! One for himself and one for "The Other."

While Superman tries to figure out Dragon Boy's language (which is really difficult when Dragon Boy calls everything the same thing), Lana Lang calls and tells him she's about to go Lara Croft on the hole out of which the monster emerged. Clark points out that Lana is an electrical engineer and not an archaeologist and that maybe she should wait for somebody else. Lana points out that she's dressed just like Lara Croft plus she has a high-tech gun and what else do you need to explore ancient ruins and also go fuck yourself, Clark?

Lana Lang enters the hole while secretly being followed by Ghost Soldier. Eventually she finds an old ancient ruin with some kind of red sun magic lantern thing hovering above it. This is a bit like the DC Comics Presents issue when Superman and Hawkgirl explored an ancient ruin and were sucked into some kind of a black hole or something. Except this story is different in every single way. Like Lana Lang doesn't have wings.

And Superman was the one to fight the monsters.

At least Lana was prepared to fight giant monsters with her little electric gun she rigged up because she's an electrical engineer. I'm sure she'll be okay. Especially if she can convince the monsters to turn into children.

These must be more shapeshifting children since they're all chained to the walls. I guess their shackles must shapeshift with them. But why would they be chained in these ruins far underground? Is there a possible clue somewhere about who might be behind it?! It must be some kind of Beast Lord or something that's captured them all!

Superman shows up with his new sidekick, Baka the Dragon Boy. And Lana is happy that he's arrived to help but still fuming that Clark called her "just an electrical engineer." Although he didn't call her that. He never said "just," you jerko! He pointed out your chosen field did not grant you the same kind of expertise that you would have if you were an archaeologist and that perhaps you weren't the best suited to go down into some ancient forgotten ruin all by yourself. Especially knowing that at least one monster came out of those ruins. Stop being offended at something nobody even said, Lana. You're just arguing with your own low self-esteem at this point! He didn't even imply anything! The inference was all in your head. Now calm down and start shooting things. But not Superman. Don't shoot Superman!

Oh! Or Baka the Dragon Boy! Sheesh!

Lana and Clark argue for a bit because Lana is a total Backseat Supergirl and The Day After the Game Quarterback! She points out that Superman was supposed to throw cute little Baka the Dragon Boy into the sun. Clark points out that she doesn't sign his fucking paychecks so she doesn't get to tell him what to do. Lana points out that Baka is a monster. Clark points out that Baka speaks another language! Lana points out that it says one fucking word over and over again. Clark points out that Lana is a total bitch. Lana points out that Clark is a sexist fucktard.

Luckily, Ukur the Beast Lord arrives to break up the squabble. Although he actually just causes more trouble by zapping Baka the Dragon Boy and causing Baka to turn into Baka the Very Large and Extremely Angry Blue Dragon. It spits lightning all over the cavern, triggering a cave in. When the dust settles, everybody calms down and takes a few seconds to talk.

Ukur says, "A few words in a strange script. A few words irange scr ipt. Strange script."

Ukur points out that he and his beasts aren't enemies of the above-grounders. He and his monsters protect them from the citizens of Imperial Subterranea! Although that seems to be over now that Lana and Clark got involved. The battle caused some kind of seal to be broken and now the Queen of Imperial Subterranea is ready to take back the Above-Grounders!

Action Comics #27 Rating: -1 Ranking. I liked the first half with Baka the Dragon Boy but the second half is reminding me way too much of Scott Lobdell's Sunturians! Another fucking Imperial civilization that seems to have once ruled Earth and is ready to take it back? I think I might be tired of this story. Again! Dammit, Judd Winick. Now I owe you another quarter.