Superman Unchained #5

Is Blue Kryptonite like Viagra?

Last issue, Superman was shot in the ass. I have a feeling that won't be dealt with in this issue at all. Also, Jimmy Olsen was given a Kryptonite Implant in his hand although Superman probably won't even notice since he always feels a little bit sick when Jimmy Olsen is around anyway. More importantly, other shit was going down. Really intense shit judging by the amount of lines Jim Lee has applied to everybody's faces. But it was overly complicated and involved guys in masks and dying blind monks and blue Kryptonite and the American military and I really don't want to get into it all. So hopefully y'all remember what was going on better than I do.

But before we get back to the main story, how about a flashback recounting how pervy Clark Kent was?!

Not that any growing boy (or grown man (or overgrown old guy)) wouldn't be using his X-ray vision on a daily basis. I mean, obviously we'd all respect everyone's privacy and never use it to act pervy ever!

In his flashback, Clark and Lana fall off the silo but Clark saves them by floating in midair. Which is odd because he actually won't be able to fly for many years later. Perhaps he can accidentally fly in times of stress but he never really learns how to control it. When he realizes what he's doing, he probably plummets to the ground. Luckily Lana has fainted so she doesn't get to learn his secret identity yet. Just wait until she learns about his X-ray Vision! Suddenly her mom's going to wonder why the fuck she's asking for lead-lined undergarments for Christmas.

Lois Lane was kidnapped by Ascension, and Wraith and Superman are on the hunt for her. But before they continue looking for her, Superman decides to take Wraith back to his place. He's really getting awfully chummy with this guy who already said he's going to kill him. Superman might be kind of stupid.

Lois has been kept alive by Ascension so that they can tell her their story and she can get a front page headline at the Daily Planet, impressing everybody except the one person she desperately needs to impress: her father. Speaking of her father, Sam Lane, he's the head of a top secret military branch called The Machine.

Look at that intense face on the leader! Jim Lee really is a master of the Art of the Scribbles!

After this speech, the leader of Ascension decides to reveal his true self to Lois Lane.

Isn't that the same guy? Shouldn't his facial scribbles be different?

Jonathan Rudolph's reason for attacking the world and the military and technology and just being a dick in general is because a crazy, senile old man told him crazy, senile things. At least Jonathan Rudolph spells his name better than Lois's boyfriend Jonathon Whats-his-name. Here's the problem with a senile person spouting crazed nonsense and truth: how the fuck do you know what's what? Well, apparently Jonathan here could tell. It was probably a certain clarity in his grandfather's eye. Or the fact that his grandfather wasn't pulling out his cock every few minutes while telling stories about The Machine. I guess it doesn't matter now if his grandfather was senile or not when talking about The Machine because Jonathan is reacting to it and trying to fuck everyone up now anyway. I wonder if his grandfather ever spoke about the Nazi Warwheel!

Due to Crazy Grandad's interference, Ascension has used the alien equation better than the American Military and created Earthstone, a crystal that allows them to control all technology created by the equation! This is because Crazy Grandad altered the formula and now only Ascension knows about Earthstone (which is the Blue Kryptonite that I figured probably wasn't Kryptonite and now I know what it is!). And they're going to use it to destroy technology so that man can start over and come up with everything they've already come up with but without help because that seems like a smart idea. I suppose they believe man isn't morally capable of utilizing the things they've created because they weren't allowed to mature before they created it themselves. Except being that Ascension is composed of humans, I suppose it's more likely that they want to destroy all the technology so that they can control it themselves and get all the patents for the new technology that comes out and be the biggest group of dicks (i.e. corporation!) in the world!

Meanwhile back in the past, Clark Kent is trying to remember how to fly.

Also, Ma Kent has made a new toothless friend. Oh, farm living! That's the life for me! I bet he lost that tooth and his penis in a horrible augur accident. Those fucking augurs should be outlawed! Maximum Overdrive shouldn't have been about semi-trucks! It should have been blood-thirsty augurs laying siege to that gas station!

The most unbelievable thing about Superboy comic books across decades of Superboy comics is that Pa Kent always had all of his fingers.

Ma Kent is young and attractive. As opposed to old and attractive like I'm used to! I wonder if Ma and Pa Kent were just young in The New 52 when they found Kal-el or they've gotten that serum from the aliens that made them young again!

Back in the Fortress of Solitude, Superman shows off his impressive collection of alien weapons to Wraith. Well, the Needler isn't that impressive. His armory is probably the reason Superman brought Wraith back here. He's just comparing offensive cocks with Wraith. "Threaten me, will you bitch? Well, look at all the shit I've got to bring to our little duel."

Now I have to believe that Jor-el didn't just choose Earth but he specifically chose America? Then that means he chose Kansas as well! And who the fuck would do that to their own son?!

Man, that last caption was spoken like a true Native Californian! When I lived in Lincoln, Nebraska for a few years, you should have heard the reactions from all of my family and friends. It was like they thought I'd time traveled to the 1500s! I, of course, didn't want to lose my bias that the midwest was full of hicks, so I just pretended that the only reason everybody was normal and spoke with less accent than I did was simply because I was in a college town. You know the best part of moving to Nebraska from California? Like, you don't have to, like, here the word "like," like, ten times in every sentence! I did enjoy learning to call Coke "pop" although I never really took to calling grocery bags "sacks." Except now that I'm in Oregon, I often refer to them as sacks because language is an insidious virus where you believe that you can use it ironically but eventually it just becomes natural. I remember first hearing a clerk at a grocery store ask me if I'd like a sack and being completely perplexed. I had no idea what the fuck they were talking about. And after realizing what they were referring to, the first thing I thought about was Jack Handey and his Deep Thought about always carrying around two sacks so that when somebody asks you to help with something, you can say, "Can't. Got these sacks!" And how I always pictured a guy walking around with potato sacks since that was the only way I'd ever heard that word used. But it finally made sense! The guy in the Deep Thought didn't look like a maniac at all! Just a guy out doing his shopping!

I don't know why Wraith is so wrapped up in America and its military especially. I'm guessing it was some kind of Manchurian Candidate level brainwashing. Too bad he didn't land in Canada or Jamaica. He'd sure have a different view of Earth if he had.

Wraith asks Superman to consider the future and how everybody is going to get old around him while he stays young. What the fuck is Superman? A vampire? I'd guess he'd be more like an over-tanner! All that yellow sun energy can't be healthy for a guy to absorb day in and day out. Anyway, people get older and shit while Clark continues to look fuckable.

The most unbelievable part of Clark's vision of the future is that newspapers still exist in 2024.

More than anybody on Earth, Wraith and Superman should be above national boundaries and religious differences and national identities based on cultural pride and arrogance. Wraith is just trying to pull Superman down into some nationalist bullshit that will just make him less effective when it comes to protecting the world. That might be the main difference. Superman is about protecting people; Wraith is about policing them.

Also, Wraith decides to pull a weapon off of Superman's wall and threaten him with it. What a dick.

Back in the past, Ma Kent gets shotgun-whipped while Mr. Colder prepares to blast the fuck out of Superboy. He's in for a big surprise! Although I bet Pa Kent beats the crap out of him before Mr. Colder ever finds out that Superboy is invulnerable.

And then Ascension decides this must be the 80s because they launch all the nuclear missiles in the world. All of them. Every single one! Because fuck it, you know? That'll teach them! Nobody knows who "them" is but Crazy Grandad couldn't be wrong, right? Things will be better this way! Instead of having a world controlled by people who are going to destroy it, just destroy the world yourself! Problem solved! I think.

And then in the past, Mr. Colder unloads his shotgun into young Clark. He screams something about no more hiding because, I guess, that was the entire theme of this issue. Somehow Superman is hiding. Sure, he's hiding if you think he ought to be following your agenda. But he's not. He's doing what he thinks is right and living his life the best way he knows how. He's got a complicated life and how dare everybody, from Wraith to Mr. Colder, try to tell Superman who he should be. They can all just go fuck themselves. Right in their own Goddamned faces.

Superman Unchained #5 Rating: No change. This comic book has too much America in it. It's making me uncomfortable. I especially like that Scott Snyder has basically created a Superman that would really be American as opposed to Clark Kent's version that America has accepted as its poster child for truth, justice, and the American Way. Wraith is the actual poster child for the American Way which really has no room for truth or justice.